[adv]Friend getting married

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[adv]Friend getting married Empty [adv]Friend getting married

Post by Kurairush on Thu May 07, 2015 10:19 am

Yesterday, I found out that one of my childhood friends is getting married next month and I'm having mixed feelings.
Before I decided to go to bed last night, I went into a period of teenage-type angst and proclaimed "Adults react to this stuff by feeling depressed and moping about their lives. Well, I don't want to react like that, so I'm just going to act like I would if I were still a teenager."

I proceeded to play some killer7 to finish up one of the game's "scenarios" and grind the enemies for blood (the game's version of experience points).
While I was playing, Isaid stuff to myself like:
"I'm better off single because I have more freedoms!"
"I can play whatever games *points at killer7 case* I want without someone judging me!"
"*holds up MGS2 and Tales of Xillia 2* Do you think you would be able to do 100% playthroughs of these games if you had a girlfriend!?"
"*points at computer* Without a girlfriend, I can work on my novel whenever I want!"
"I have almost 1GB of anime girl pictures! I wouldn't be able to collect those if I had a girlfriend!"
and it kept going on until I decided to shut up and focus on the game.

I think I reacted like that to prevent myself from falling into that whole "I don't have a girlfriend" phase again.
Today, I feel kind of better, but I'm not sure who to talk to. My next therapist appointment isn't until early next month.
So I've decided to seek advice from here.
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Post by eselle28 on Thu May 07, 2015 11:08 am

I actually don't think that's a particularly juvenile way of reacting to that situation. Some of those statements are perfectly true (I don't think there are many partners who'd be fine with you working on your novel whenever you wanted) and some of them aren't (there are women who wouldn't care about your anime collection), but as long as you're aware that they're generalizations and that this is a tool used to handle feelings of loneliness or sadness, I'm not sure there's much harm in it. Having a serious relationship does require that you devote some time and energy to the other person, and sometimes that probably is going to be on their preferred schedule rather than yours, which removes some of that "whenever I want" freedom.

Another tool you might want to use is thinking about whether you'd be interested in dating this specific woman. Do you even know her? Obviously if you do and she's someone you'd like to be with, this isn't going to be helpful, but I found a lot of times I was jealous of someone for being in a relationship but wasn't necessarily interested in that person's specific partner or relationship.
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[adv]Friend getting married Empty Re: [adv]Friend getting married

Post by Kurairush on Thu May 07, 2015 11:15 am

Maybe I should've specified their gender in the first post.
Part of what this may stem from is that out of all four of us guys, I'm the only one who doesn't have a girlfriend/isn't involved in a relationship.

And I don't know if I can interpret those as generalizations. Seems more like defenses to me.
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Post by Guest on Thu May 07, 2015 11:26 am

It sounds to me like you're handling this really well, actually. When I was going through my divorce, and was panicking about the possibility of losing my kids, I took a similar approach. "Okay, well, if I don't have custody, I can start doing D&D nights! If I lose custody, I'll be able to travel. If I lose custody, I'll actually write my novel," and similar. It didn't mean I was actually happy about the idea, but silver lining attitudes are a really good way to deal with disappointment and pain.

I think sometimes we get caught up in this idea that being "adult" means you just are capable of not letting your feelings affect you. But it's not. Being adult is just being a teenager, but with more responsibilities, so you have to find a way to push past the pain faster.

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Post by Werel on Thu May 07, 2015 1:46 pm

ElizaJane wrote:Being adult is just being a teenager, but with more responsibilities, so you have to find a way to push past the pain faster.  

Gonna make me choke up with all this perfectly-phrased sad truth.
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Post by Guest on Thu May 07, 2015 3:17 pm

When I hear about acquaintances or friends getting married, I don't particularly feel bad.

This is gonna make me sound asshole-ish but (eh, that's life) I actually don't have much to say other than "Really? Welp. . . good luck with that!" It sounds weird and mean, but that's kinda how the thought flows through my head. However, there are exceptions. Whenever someone I know who I think as a good friend is getting married or gets into a relationship with somebody, I typically tend to think "Hey, good for them. Now what the hell am I doing with my life? Painting? Don't mind if I do." And then I proceed with a new painting. Razz

Heck, my Blade Runner painting was a result of one my friends sending me a wedding invitation. Razz

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