Sudden rejection, many questions

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Sudden rejection, many questions Empty Sudden rejection, many questions

Post by Hirundo Bos on Thu May 07, 2015 2:54 pm

I just had someone in OLD I got along with quite well break off all contact, because she was hurt by something that as she experienced it, I'd neglected to say, which she took a sign I didn't care much about her at all. In my own experience, I actually did say it, even thought that would be something I should mention, but reading back I see I may have been vaguer than I was aware of.

I think maybe her reaction was a bit abrupt, it came without warning after months of steady, mostly platonic messaging. (We hadn't actually met, because of geographical distance.) But I've also come to know her a bit, and understand why she'd be guarded about experiences like the one she had with me.

I also know though, that the emotional dynamic, the accusations and abrupt rejection, would be unhealthy to me in the long run, and the way I'd respond would be unhealthy to the other person in return. So that even if she were to resume contact later, I'd turn her down.

My feelings at the moment are... sad, but a long way away from devastated. I was angry for a little while, fought down the impulse to respond to her even if she asked me not to (and fought it down so easily I'm gaining trust in my own ability to disengage), but now I'm... sad, but like something just in the far corner of experience, something that doesn't really touch my guts.

The way I felt about her before... a growing sense of warmth, looking forward to her letters... was in the same way, distant, which make me think that in a way she got it right – I was less emotionally committed than she thought I was, and apparently trusted me to be. I'm not sure if the reason is I was lukewarm to begin with, or if I kept myself lukewarm as a defence, because too much emotion so easily overwhelms me. I know though I've had it that way before, long ago, in a relationship I was in then. I felt guilty about it, the person I was with was hurt by it. I should probably dig a bit into what that feeling is and how it works in my life now that I'm getting back into forming relationships, and I'd be happy to hear some input on that.

One thing to take away from it is that people who are sensitive to rejection are likely at some point to feel rejected by me, and that I, in turn, might not handle their reaction too well. So if this turns out to be such an issue with someone that we become unhealthy to one another... what would be the most considerate way to... well, reject them because incompatibility?

And finally, because he wifi I'm on has something particular against that OLD site, I didn't see her entire message at first... I registered that she was hurt, but not that she was cutting contact completely. Even then, I worried a bit about the dynamic... something nice abruptly becoming someone hurt... and similar things might happen with other people later. And I see before me two unhealthy poles on a spectrum. On one end, I see things so much from the other person's perspective that I lose the sense of owning my own – I submit, apologize, appease. On the other end, I dismiss their perspective, and their emotions. I've done both if these in the past. Is there a better way to deal with having hurt someone you're close to, when you sense that they're particularly vulnerable to hurt?

Last edited by Hirundo Bos on Thu May 07, 2015 2:58 pm; edited 1 time in total
Hirundo Bos
Hirundo Bos

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