Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

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Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sat May 09, 2015 8:35 am

So, there's this guy I really don't like, for many reasons: he's smug, mean-spirited, treats people like trash or toys for his amusement, he's always ready to tease and insult others, he's an arrogant know-nothing know-it-all, etc. What makes him even more infuriatingly annoying is that he seems to have success at everything he does. He has loads of dates: it helps that he's very attractive, with model-like looks (he actually did some modeling work in the past) and an excellent fashion sense, and he's also confident, great at flirting, and has a knack for witty if cutting and very mean-spirited remarks. He also has a very good job and dozens of admirers.

Rationally I know that not all that glitters is gold. His life is far from perfect: his ex girlfriends stay the hell away from him (one of them told me she hopes she never sees him again before she left town), he's alienated a lot of people who think he's an asshole (including many former friends of his), he's likely to alienate even more as he'll get older and his looks will get less heavenly, etc.

Yet he doesn't seem to care. Maybe he's just really good at putting on a mask and hiding his insecurities. I don't know. The fact is that he always seems to win or come out on top, and that for some reason makes me hate him even more.

Anyway, I wouldn't care about him either that much if he didn't like to snidely put me down whenever something bad or disappointing happens to me. We have a historic rivalry because I've repeatedly shown him that I'm not willing to take any of his shit just because he's successful, and I've called him out on some mistake he made in the past (especially when he was spouting some toxic bullshit and I happened to have the evidence ready to make people see that he's wrong).

Rationally speaking I know he's trying to get me angry, that I shouldn't let him do it, and that his opinions don't really matter that much. But my dark, irrational side hates him so much that whenever he gets the upper hand he makes me suffer and I wish that he failed and suffered badly.

Anyway, what happened is that thanks to word of mouth he knows that "Lisa" and I are no longer dating, and that she still has feelings for her older boyfriend. Of course he used these facts against me.

I was out with my friends when here he comes, a smug grin on his lips. He walks to my table, pats me on the shoulder (he knows I hate being touched by people i don't like, especially by him) and says "Sorry for you, dude, but I knew you didn't have a chance since the beginning. She's just out of your league, you know?"

In that moment reason went basically out of the window and I felt a seething hate for him. A hate so intense that I hadn't felt it in a while. A hate so strong that inspired mental images of violently murdering this guy.  I'm actually scared of myself for how much I hate him. I'm glad there were other people there to keep me in check. I did do nothing but sat there glaring at him. He smirked, satisfied, and walked away.

I really, really hate that guy. But I'm afraid that this hatred is going to hurt me, and I really don't want to lose control and react in a physically violent way. (It happened years ago with another guy I hated: he was harassing me, I punched him in the face and I got in trouble since I broke his sunglasses).

So, how do I help my reasonable side to rein in my dark, hateful and violent side in check if I happen to see him again and he pulls the same trick? I'm trying to stay the hell away from him but some of his friends are friends of my friends and he hangs around in the places we visit, and I really don't wish to mess the schedule of my friends or not to go out and have fun just to avoid him.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Enail on Sat May 09, 2015 12:57 pm

Ugh, what an ass. Sorry you have to deal with that.

I don't have much in the way of ideas on how to rein in your dark side, but maybe it would help to let your reasonable side, the part that knows that it's not worth being really angry at someone so pathetic that he has to go out of his try to cut you down just to make himself feel important, speak up?  Respond with something like "aww, it's so cute that you want to get a reaction out of me," or "look, I hate to say this, but you seem kind of obsessed with my love life, and it's weirding me out a little?"
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Caffeinated on Sat May 09, 2015 1:26 pm

That guy sounds like he models himself on the villains in an 80s teen movie. Maybe you could create a mental montage of the villains in teen movies getting their comeuppance in the end, and play that montage in your mind any time you see this guy.
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by BasedBuzzed on Sat May 09, 2015 2:19 pm

Treat all his provocations as flirting, flirt back harder. Whenever he gets touchy, escalate(petting, butt-pinching if he is particularly faux-affectionate). May backfire if he does not have any trouble with that.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sat May 09, 2015 5:40 pm

BasedBuzzed wrote:Treat all his provocations as flirting, flirt back harder. Whenever he gets touchy, escalate(petting, butt-pinching if he is particularly faux-affectionate). May backfire if he does not have any trouble with that.  

That's a good suggestion, I hadn't thought of it. I'll try it next time. Something along the lines of "I'm flattered that you're so interested in the fact that I'm still single, but you're really not my type". At the very least it'd surprise him, but since I've heard him say some pretty homophobic stuff in the past it may even get him a little mad at the implication that he might have sexual feelings for a man.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by BasedBuzzed on Sat May 09, 2015 5:46 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
BasedBuzzed wrote:Treat all his provocations as flirting, flirt back harder. Whenever he gets touchy, escalate(petting, butt-pinching if he is particularly faux-affectionate). May backfire if he does not have any trouble with that.

That's a good suggestion, I hadn't thought of it. I'll try it next time. Something along the lines of "I'm flattered that you're so interested in the fact that I'm still single, but you're really not my type". At the very least it'd surprise him, but since I've heard him say some pretty homophobic stuff in the past it may even get him a little mad at the implication that he might have sexual feelings for a man.

"You're always so concerned for me, are you trying to tell me something?"/"I was feeling down, but now that I can check you out that feeling's over." Also remember body language. Stare him in the eyes with a wolfish grin and the like. You want to give the impression that you're not just bantering but actively ogling him.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Jayce on Sat May 09, 2015 9:28 pm

Seeing as he keeps popping up, you could just ignore him. Just pretend he dosen't exist. Anyone that is that much of an asshole just isn't even worth responding to.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by reboot on Sat May 09, 2015 9:39 pm

Guy sounds like a douche, so first off let yourself dislike him. It is OK, some people earned dislike.

His needling you about being single can be handled as basebuzzed mentioned. I would deliver them deadpan or coldly scarcastic. Some additional scripts:

You have an excessive, almost unhealthy interest in my genitials and their activities. Is there something I need to know?

My dating life is none of your concern, unless you wan to date me. Is that it?

Actually I am just saving myself for someone who really cares about me. Someone like you who, since you are so invested in my sex life. Date tomorrow at eight?
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by jcorozza on Sun May 17, 2015 10:30 am

I'm guessing this person is part of your social circle, and that's why he's always around?

But yeah, he sounds like a complete asshat. And you're definitely allowed to dislike people who act like that. But I agree that spending as much energy hating him as you do just hurts you, not him. Something to think about...why IS he so invested in your life, particularly your love life? It's possibly he's actually jealous, or needs a lot of attention, and this is the only way he can get it. Either way, there's a good chance he's trying to look like he's better than you because...he's insecure, and showing dominance makes him feel more secure.

I agree with the others that the best options are avoidance and acting as though you're unruffled/amused, even if you really aren't. He's a bully, and bullies don't get much out of people who are secure with who they are (or who can at least fake being secure).
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sun May 17, 2015 11:45 am

I'm guessing this person is part of your social circle, and that's why he's always around?

Yes, in a fashion. He's a friends of some of my friends, and always hangs out in the same places we do.

why IS he so invested in your life, particularly your love life? It's possibly he's actually jealous, or needs a lot of attention, and this is the only way he can get it. Either way, there's a good chance he's trying to look like he's better than you because...he's insecure, and showing dominance makes him feel more secure.

I don't think he's jealous of me since he's very successful on his own, much more than me. He's very, very attractive (he did some modelling) and very confident too. He's much better at attracting women than at relationships, since he's an ass and treats his girlfriends like garbage, but he doesn't seem to care.

I think that he just doesn't like the fact that I don't kiss his ass like pretty much everyone else in my group of friends. I usually don't go out of my way to antagonize him, but when he brags about something that I know he's wrong about or when he outright lies, or behaves like a sexist asshat sometimes I call him out.

I know I probably shouldn't. It's not like I'm ever going to change his mind. But when he says something like "Samantha [a fictional name] is such an easy lay" when I know for a fact that Samantha rejected him I can't keep my mouth shut. So he thinks he needs to put in my place (he more or less told me that once).

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Enail on Sun May 17, 2015 11:55 am

Wow, that's really pathetic that he's so threatened by someone challenging things he says from time to time that he feels the need to go out of his way to try and knock you down just because of that.
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by PintsizeBro on Sun May 17, 2015 12:37 pm

He sounds like the Platonic ideal for "douchebag."

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by jcorozza on Sun May 17, 2015 7:00 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:

I think that he just doesn't like the fact that I don't kiss his ass like pretty much everyone else in my group of friends. I usually don't go out of my way to antagonize him, but when he brags about something that I know he's wrong about or when he outright lies, or behaves like a sexist asshat sometimes I call him out.

I know I probably shouldn't. It's not like I'm ever going to change his mind. But when he says something like "Samantha [a fictional name] is such an easy lay" when I know for a fact that Samantha rejected him I can't keep my mouth shut. So he thinks he needs to put in my place (he more or less told me that once).

Actually, this makes me think he's even more secure. A guy who actually did well with the ladies...wouldn't need to brag so much about it. It sounds like his success is all pretty short term/fleeting, at best. Do you get the impression that the other guys listening actually buy whatever he's bragging about? If they do, and the group spreads nasty rumors about women, then I think you're right to speak up, just keep it casual/jokey. If they're all just nodding along and know he's full of hot air, I don't think you really need to. You can just roll your eyes and walk away, or talk to someone else in the group.
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by reboot on Mon May 18, 2015 9:16 am

jcorozza wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:

I think that he just doesn't like the fact that I don't kiss his ass like pretty much everyone else in my group of friends. I usually don't go out of my way to antagonize him, but when he brags about something that I know he's wrong about or when he outright lies, or behaves like a sexist asshat sometimes I call him out.

I know I probably shouldn't. It's not like I'm ever going to change his mind. But when he says something like "Samantha [a fictional name] is such an easy lay" when I know for a fact that Samantha rejected him I can't keep my mouth shut. So he thinks he needs to put in my place (he more or less told me that once).

Actually, this makes me think he's even more secure.  A guy who actually did well with the ladies...wouldn't need to brag so much about it.  It sounds like his success is all pretty short term/fleeting, at best.  Do you get the impression that the other guys listening actually buy whatever he's bragging about?  If they do, and the group spreads nasty rumors about women, then I think you're right to speak up, just keep it casual/jokey.  If they're all just nodding along and know he's full of hot air, I don't think you really need to.  You can just roll your eyes and walk away, or talk to someone else in the group.  

Yep. This guy sounds insecure, hence the lying about having sex with women. That is why he gets stroppy with you, because you poke holes in his stories and show him to be a liar. I cosign jcorozza's suggestion
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 18, 2015 2:47 pm

jcorozza wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:

I think that he just doesn't like the fact that I don't kiss his ass like pretty much everyone else in my group of friends. I usually don't go out of my way to antagonize him, but when he brags about something that I know he's wrong about or when he outright lies, or behaves like a sexist asshat sometimes I call him out.

I know I probably shouldn't. It's not like I'm ever going to change his mind. But when he says something like "Samantha [a fictional name] is such an easy lay" when I know for a fact that Samantha rejected him I can't keep my mouth shut. So he thinks he needs to put in my place (he more or less told me that once).

Actually, this makes me think he's even more secure.  A guy who actually did well with the ladies...wouldn't need to brag so much about it.  It sounds like his success is all pretty short term/fleeting, at best.  Do you get the impression that the other guys listening actually buy whatever he's bragging about?  If they do, and the group spreads nasty rumors about women, then I think you're right to speak up, just keep it casual/jokey.  If they're all just nodding along and know he's full of hot air, I don't think you really need to.  You can just roll your eyes and walk away, or talk to someone else in the group.  

I actually brought up the argument with some of my friends, and their answers were basically a chorus: "Oh, HIM. Just ignore him, he's dick and everyone knows it". So I guess there's no need to care about him any longer.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by PintsizeBro on Mon May 18, 2015 3:28 pm

Well there's your answer, then. I can't say I'm surprised. I think it's worth remembering that other people are often smarter than we give them credit for. This guy is a dick, but everyone knows it and nobody really likes him. Good looks and charm can't make up for that.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 18, 2015 3:57 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:Well there's your answer, then. I can't say I'm surprised. I think it's worth remembering that other people are often smarter than we give them credit for. This guy is a dick, but everyone knows it and nobody really likes him. Good looks and charm can't make up for that.

Yeah, I have to give people more credit. I recognized that I tend to unconsciously assume that when nobody openly calls out someone for being a dick it means that thy're agreeing with them. This isn't true. Sometimes people are just fed up with their bullshit and just don't care about them anymore.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Guest on Sat May 23, 2015 12:26 pm

Oh man, I wish I was there with you. I would've ruined his damn night. Wouldn't even touch the guy, I'd just psychologically break him. I would literally make him cry like a bitch right in front of you.

That is my default to a threat to me or one of my boys, and it's a good trait to learn.

Either way, I hope the rest of his life is misery, absolute misery. I hope he suffers. i want him to suffer.

Seriously, reading all that got me really fucking angry.

A toast to this douchebag's eternal pain and misery.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Enail on Sat May 23, 2015 12:58 pm

That seems like giving him space in your feelings that he doesn't deserve.
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Sat May 23, 2015 1:18 pm

Enail wrote:That seems like giving him space in your feelings that he doesn't deserve.

Exactly. I'm thankful to Glides for the support, but the guy isn't worth hatred. Or any other feelings for that matter. He's just a nuisance.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by reboot on Sat May 23, 2015 2:05 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Enail wrote:That seems like giving him space in your feelings that he doesn't deserve.

Exactly. I'm thankful to Glides for the support, but the guy isn't worth hatred. Or any other feelings for that matter. He's just a nuisance.

Seriously. People like that are not worth any feelings at all since feelings, positive or negative, require thought and energy. People like that deserve neither. Some people are not even worth hate/dislike.
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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by BasedBuzzed on Sat May 23, 2015 4:00 pm

Glides wrote:Oh man, I wish I was there with you. I would've ruined his damn night. Wouldn't even touch the guy, I'd just psychologically break him. I would literally make him cry like a bitch right in front of you.

That is my default to a threat to me or one of my boys, and it's a good trait to learn.

Either way, I hope the rest of his life is misery, absolute misery. I hope he suffers. i want him to suffer.

Seriously, reading all that got me really fucking angry.

A toast to this douchebag's eternal pain and misery.

Yeah no, I've tried this with a redpiller once and it just ended with me coming across as a ridiculous tryhard because two-thirds of the references and puns I made relied on an extensive knowledge of incel/PUA/MRA terminology, which is different from redpill. They will never be as terrible as the cartoon version you have in your head, breaking speeches do not happen in real life(short quips are better anyway) and the fact that you're mentally hyping yourself up for a verbal cockfight means he will be better in holding up a frame of calmness anyway.

I assume I've been on the other end of it too by people whom you could view as lower on the social totem pole than me, and a simple "sorry, I wasn't really listening" or "that doesn't really work when you're the one saying it" is enough to shut such a conversation down. In short, stick to power fantasies with the whole epic speech thing, and make a Twitter account if you want to practice in being short and snappy.

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Re: Relapse into hate (or: my Dark Side)

Post by jcorozza on Sat May 23, 2015 8:28 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Enail wrote:That seems like giving him space in your feelings that he doesn't deserve.

Exactly. I'm thankful to Glides for the support, but the guy isn't worth hatred. Or any other feelings for that matter. He's just a nuisance.

Yup to all of this. And it seems like he's pretty good at making an ass of himself all on his own. No need to make yourself look bad as part of it.
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