Glides' Latest Spectacular Fuckup

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Post by Guest on Sun May 10, 2015 5:46 pm

Hello folks,

Like to even out the awkwardness with a moment of personal triumph that happened a few hours before this latest tragedy.

A waitress at the restaurant I went to for lunch (Asian fusion, yum) was a really cute girl I knew in high school who had no interest in my existence and rudely dissed me the couple times I tried to talk with her. Class-A bitch she was, narcissistic and obsessed with her own beauty, and someone I never planned on talking to again.

So like I said, this chick is a waitress (not MY waitress, my waitress was really nice and I gave her a 20% tip). I noticed her walking around, told my friend. That was the end of it. I enjoyed my meal and my friend enjoyed hers and it was very pleasant.

So it comes time to leave, I've paid (after the waitress pretends the card was declined, ha ha). That girl from high school literally approaches me with a giant smile and says, as if we'd known each other for years, as if we were best buddies, "Oh my god, it's you! I haven't seen you since high school!"

I say "yup," push past her, hold open the door for my friend, give her the nastiest look I can manage causing her to literally gasp in fear (I'm very good at scaring people when I want to), and then violently slam the door in her face, loud enough that the last thing I see is the entire front of the restaurant staring at me in shock.

My friend turns to me and says, "man, you're really fucking bitter aren't you?"

Yeah, yeah I am. I'm very bitter and was publicly humiliated by this bitch for literally saying "hello" a few years back. I did not sexually harass this person, I did not interrupt this person, I did nothing socially inappropiate and I was treated like dirt. Revenge is best served cold, I don't forget, and I never stop holding grudges.

I may have to wait a few weeks before going back there so they forget about me. Hell, I might even be banned for that. Whatever.

Was this mature? Not even remotely. I should've let bygones be bygones, I shouldn't hold grudges for years of my life, I shouldn't humiliate people publicly for what they did to me in high school. I got it, I did it, I enjoyed it, I shouldn't have enjoyed it. I feel guilty for liking the look on her face, of pure shock and confusion, like "what did I ever do to deserve this?" not remembering what she did to deserve it.

I wasn't trying to fuck her, I wasn't punishing her for not being attracted to me or any of that PUA Red Pill crap. If I treat someone politely, I will be treated the same back. If not, next time I see them, I'll be a fucking monster to them. She could've easily said "hello" once, and then never talk to me again, not "fuck off faggot."

Yeah, maybe she regretted how she treated me, I don't give a fuck. I don't forgive anyone. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Fuck empathy, fuck compassion. I want people to hate me on my terms. If I can't get people to like me, then they will hate me. Either way, I'll control people's opinions of me. She'll tell her friends about that shy little boy from high school she tried to talk to, and how he rudely humiliated her at her job, and she did nothing to deserve it. Or maybe she'll realize that what she did offended me, and she'll regret what a stupid bitch she is, and maybe she'll regret all the other stupid bitch things she did.

Why the fuck did she even want to talk to me anyway? We barely exchanged words beyond that, we weren't friends, we ignored each other. Why the fuck would she want to talk to me? Yes, I want to talk to the boy I publicly humiliated in front of everyone, THAT is the man I wanna talk to.

Karma did get me back for this a couple hours later. Another friend (the one who talked me up to that other girl) introduced me to an unbelievably beautiful girl, and she was barely able to introduce herself before I panicked and literally just walked away, back to my car, and drove all the way home.

And now, a re-enactment:

Idiot Friend: "Hey Hot Girl, this is the guy I was telling you about. Glides is in film school, you're a musician, you should definitely talk."

All this while Glides notices how unbelievably hot this girl was (she had dimples. I fucking love dimples, god save me).

Hot Girl smiles and extends her hand. "Hi, I'm Hot Girl."

Glides panics, turns and walks straight away, all the way to his car, drives all the way home.

Text from Idiot Friend upon reaching home: "Dude, how the fuck are you gonna get laid if you keep running whenever I try to help you?"

I did a good thing, any moment she would notice my Jew gorillaface and my Freddy Krueger skin and my Voldemort skin and be repulsed by me. so I sped the process up.

If people will not like me, then they will hate me. As long as I can control people's opinions of me, I am in control.

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Post by Izmuth on Sun May 10, 2015 6:12 pm

Glides, I normally keep my mouth shut since the only meaningful advice I can give you is keep going to therapy and take meds, and you get plenty of that advice already, but could you please tone down the ethnic self hate?

Putting "Jew" in the same summation of ugliness as Freddy Krueger and Voldemort makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

I'm a gentile, so maybe I'm talking poop, but I can't imagine other Jewish people that frequent this board be really comfortable with that kind of stuff.
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Post by Enail on Sun May 10, 2015 6:16 pm

<mod> Glides, you need to stop using looking Jewish as an insult. When you do that, you're not just insulting yourself, you're insulting a whole lot of other people here, including me. I'm sorry you've internalized so much anti-semitism, but it's still not okay to inflict it on other people. <mod>

On a non-modly note, it seems like you get that panic-escape reaction fairly often. Do you think it might be worth coming up with a few quick, polite ways to excuse yourself and practicing them a bit so that you might be able to pull them out when you're in panic mode. That would let you exit the situation in a way that might feel less awkward and more possible to interact with them comfortably in the future. I don't think your hasty exit sounds like a bridge-burner anyway, but it might make things easier next time.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Sun May 10, 2015 6:58 pm

So... what exactly did she do to you that was so awful? All I'm getting from your story is you tried to talk to her once in high school and she told you to fuck off and walked away. Rude? Yes. Public humiliation? Only in your head. Nobody else but you remembers it. If you're going to hold a grudge for the rest of your life over one rude remark, no wonder you're so isolated.

I feel for you being in a bad situation. And I want to like you, but man, sometimes you make it hard.

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Post by gaboz on Mon May 11, 2015 7:32 am

lets see Glides:

Waiter-girl: You mentally sparta-kicked her alright for that one moment in highschool. Good lord what a bitch for recognizing you at a restaurant, the nerve.

"Oh my god, it's you! I haven't seen you since high school!" she said. How can a girl like that who publicly humiliated you still remember you? Maybe she was wrong? Atone for her sins?

" If I treat someone politely, I will be treated the same back. If not, next time I see them, I'll be a fucking monster to them." And it has been years. Good lord your ledger of vengeance must be the size of a Game of Thrones book.

You know what? Some things can be simple. Get over it. Go wreck a printer or something.

Hot Girl:

"Hot Girl smiles and extends her hand. "Hi, I'm Hot Girl."

"I did a good thing, any moment she would notice my gorillaface and my Freddy Krueger skin and my Voldemort skin and be repulsed by me. so I sped the process up.

That doesn't gel. Someone extends hand with a smile and says hi, guess what, she already sized you and didn't see anything wrong.

"Text from Idiot Friend upon reaching home: "Dude, how the fuck are you gonna get laid if you keep running whenever I try to help you?" Glides, never call you friend Idiot. He wingmanned you a nice girl and you panicked. You should be blessed with such a friend.

Glides, I want to fly over, take a car, buy a newspaper, roll it, and then slap you on the back of your head. Maybe that will make you think a bit more reasonable. Because you are becoming your own worst enemy.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon May 11, 2015 8:02 am

Friend is a bit of an Idiot, though his heart is in the right place. Exposure therapy in this manner and then chastising the guy when it does not work only worsens the fears. This shit has to be on the dude's own terms, not having a friend keep forcing him into situations hoping it works eventually.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 11, 2015 8:29 am

If people will not like me, then they will hate me. As long as I can control people's opinions of me, I am in control.

I've seen that story before. It rarely ends well.

Glides, I know you think I'm a Tommy Wiseau-style hippie, but I can say to you that I understand why you've come to this conclusion (even though it's all kinds of wrong). You're a very sensitive person and can't let go of old grudges. There's a part of my personality that's just like that. A guy I know is a complete ass to me even these days, and if I listened to that part of my personality I don't know what I'd do to him. It's pretty scary, actually.

But on the other hand I've noticed that holding on to hate, bitterness and resentment doesn't really help me. It hurts me in the long run, and sometimes even in the short run. Hate and bitterness are incredibly unattractive qualities to have, and they consume you. They can psychologically and even physically hurt you.

Let's examine what happened with a critical pair of eyes, shall we? A girl you probably felt something for treated you badly. That's pretty bad and it hurt you. It wasn't right for her to say that, and I can understand how bad it made you feel. But years later she met you again, recognized you and acted very friendly. You cut her off as bluntly as you could.

Now there are two possibilities here:

a) she genuinely forgot she treated you badly, and so she's probably going to forget just as easily of your "slamming the door and death glare" stunt. So your big revenge plan achieved nothing but making you look like an ass in public. Public humiliation inflicted by yourself. Not the best revenge of all times. Count of Montecristo you ain't*.

b) she remembered, but thought you had gotten over it, and being nice was her way to show you she had gotten over it, too. I've met some former bullies of mine that have acted friendly to me, and I've responded just as friendly. After a while three of them told me that they were sorry for what they said to me. I smiled and said it was water under the bridge. And you know what? I felt MUCH better. I let go of the anger and I knew that they didn't really mean to hurt me as much as they did, they were just stupid kids who grew up, just like I did.

In this case you wasted a chance to maybe receive an apology from her and heal the pain of her early humiliation. So who's hurt? Her, not much: she'll probably think "wow, Glides really hold grudges" and get on with her life. You, two times: you looked like a dick in public and you wasted a chance to let go of something that still hurts you. That's even worse!

Bitterness and holding old grudges are basically drinking poison in order to get others hurt. It's not a very good plan.

It's also interesting that you say that "karma" bit you in the ass soon enough. I don't believe in karma, but it's an interesting turn of sentence. You seem to know that what you did wasn't that great. If you felt completely justified, you wouldn't used the word "karma" now, would you?

Moreover, Hot Girl was friendly to you. It was only you who hurt yourself this time. And since you seem to hate yourself quite a lot, maybe, just maybe, you knew that what you did to your acquaintance from high school was wrong and you punished yourself by ruining your chances of a friendly conversation at least.

So who was hurt by your big revenge plan? Only yourself.

*In the original novel the Count at the end realized how much how of a dick he had become in his quest for revenge, forgave his last enemy Danglars and moved on to live happily with the woman he loved. He realized that if he didn't learn to forgive at least a little he could have never been completely happy. And he had been falsely accused of treason and imprisoned for years while his father died of hunger!


Last edited by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 11, 2015 9:40 am; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Gman on Mon May 11, 2015 9:26 am

I think that Andrew analyzed and summarized these events you described pretty well, so I won't add anything to that.

All I can add is that I think that you need to find a way to cleanse yourself of all this self hatred and biterness. All it is doing is undermining you and literally eating away at any attempts you make to improve yourself. I think that you must first learn to let go of all this hate (especially self hate) and biterness, because unless you learn to do so, you won't be making much progress at all.
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Post by Izmuth on Mon May 11, 2015 10:14 am

PintsizeBro wrote:So... what exactly did she do to you that was so awful? All I'm getting from your story is you tried to talk to her once in high school and she told you to fuck off and walked away. Rude? Yes. Public humiliation? Only in your head. Nobody else but you remembers it. If you're going to hold a grudge for the rest of your life over one rude remark, no wonder you're so isolated.

I feel for you being in a bad situation. And I want to like you, but man, sometimes you make it hard.

...I've got to admit, I actually liked Glides reaction to her.

God knows I'm often tempted to do the same, but I never do.

People that suddenly forget what relationship we had in highschool is one of my pet peeves. I'm always astonished when they start to pretend we're bestes buddies now.

Of course, just showing that you didn't forget the Fun Times and then quick exit left is where I'd draw the line. Therefore I'd also advice Glides just not to visit that place again now you know she works there. Otherwise you're forcing her to interact with you in a position of power: You can be mean to her, and she not to you, because her job is on the line.

For the record: This is if she went out of her way to publicly humiliate you, not if she just harshly rejected you, and it happened to be in front of an entire crowd and that counts as public humiliation, since you chose the venue where you did the asking.
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Mon May 11, 2015 11:07 am

People that suddenly forget what relationship we had in highschool is one of my pet peeves. I'm always astonished when they start to pretend we're bestes buddies now.

I can understand the feeling, but I've found out that many if not most people forget about highschool as soon as it's over. Contrary to what many movies make you think highschool is usually a pretty terrible time of your life for everyone, popular kids and unpopular ones alike. Highschool is when you want to start being an adult but you're still a child. Adolescence is full of traumas for pretty much everyone.

This doesn't mean that what was done to you was right, but often people wish to just erase a time which they now feel was made up of stupid choices, fears and a sense of not knowing what the hell you should have done. Highschool bullies many times regret what they've done deep down but chalk it up as "being a stupid kid" or doing it just to belong in clique. Their victims, of course, disagree, but I've found helpful to give everyone a second chance. If you treated me like dirt but now you want to be nice to me, I'll be nice to you.

It's only a second chance, though, not a blank check: if their niceness is faked just in order to get something from me and once they get what they want it fades away, or if they're still assholes right from the start I can give them a piece of my mind (especially in private, when it's just me and them) before I sever any ties with them as soon as possible.

Overall, though, I think that living in the past isn't a very good choice. Forgiveness heals you and allows you to grow up.

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Post by Guest on Mon May 11, 2015 10:58 pm



[quote="Andrew Corvero"]


Let's examine what happened with a critical pair of eyes, shall we? A girl you probably felt something for treated you badly. That's pretty bad and it hurt you. It wasn't right for her to say that, and I can understand how bad it made you feel. But years later she met you again, recognized you and acted very friendly. You cut her off as bluntly as you could.

Now there are two possibilities here:

a) she genuinely forgot she treated you badly, and so she's probably going to forget just as easily of your "slamming the door and death glare" stunt. So your big revenge plan achieved nothing but making you look like an ass in public. Public humiliation inflicted by yourself. Not the best revenge of all times. Count of Montecristo you ain't*.

b) she remembered, but thought you had gotten over it, and being nice was her way to show you she had gotten over it, too. I've met some former bullies of mine that have acted friendly to me, and I've responded just as friendly. After a while three of them told me that they were sorry for what they said to me. I smiled and said it was water under the bridge. And you know what? I felt MUCH better. I let go of the anger and I knew that they didn't really mean to hurt me as much as they did, they were just stupid kids who grew up, just like I did.

Fuck, I wrote a much longer message but then my computer crashed. Here's the Cliff Notes.

I personally believe that forgiveness is a giant waste of time that is only done to soothe the mind of the person who was hurt. But me being the vengful fuck that I am, I don't like the idea of people getting away with shit. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, I'm big on that. It's the only thing about the Bible I like.

It creates a perpetual cycle of backstabbing and revenge, sure, but at least then people are accountable for their shit, they know why they're being hurt.

To clarify, that's not to say I did this with this girl. I did far worse to her what she did to me, that's not fair. Mature thing to do is just ignore her, no glare, no slam, just ignoring her. She'd be miffed, she'd feel the way I felt, that's fair. If I was feeling up to it, I'd probably say "I don't want to talk to you" or something like that. "Why not?" "Because you're a bitch." I dunno.

Anyway, I've done lots of bad stuff (we all have, I get it). I wasn't justified in most of them. I bullied some folks after my grand old "nearly being murdered" experience as a child. I didn't physically hurt anyone, I'd just emotionally abuse people because I didn't know how else to interact with other people. I don't deserve forgiveness for any of that, I probably deserve a few good punches to the face. I'd be a little stunned if someone forgave me for what I did, because in no way do I deserve it.

Moreover, Hot Girl was friendly to you. It was only you who hurt yourself this time. And since you seem to hate yourself quite a lot, maybe, just maybe, you knew that what you did to your acquaintance from high school was wrong and you punished yourself by ruining your chances of a friendly conversation at least.

So who was hurt by your big revenge plan? Only yourself.

Thinking it over, I was more scared that she would like me, that she'd be stupid and like me, and then she'd learn who I really was and hate me even more. So the mentality in the moment is going over all of that in mere seconds instead of months. You know, the whole "we are afraid of being powerful beyond measure" spiel.

Regardless, I'm never seeing that girl again. I think I'm supposed to be a virgin, I feel like I'm meant for this. It feels right anyway. I'm not a sexual being. I'm basically a eunuch with balls sexually. I don't got animal instinct or any of that shit. Setting stupid women up for disappointment is basically taking advantage of them.

Hooray me!

Gman wrote:

All I can add is that I think that you need to find a way to cleanse yourself of all this self hatred and biterness. All it is doing is undermining you and literally eating away at any attempts you make to improve yourself. I think that you must first learn to let go of all this hate (especially self hate) and biterness, because unless you learn to do so, you won't be making much progress at all.  

Unfortunately for us all, those two things don't really go away once you've got them. It's like AIDS, you can't cure them in this lifetime. Or you get the motivation to exercise a lot and look buff or something, but I'm never getting that either. The only time I'm letting go of my self-hate and bitterness is the day I die. It's not because I don't want to, I'm literally incapable of letting go. I just can't.

Izmuth wrote:
People that suddenly forget what relationship we had in highschool is one of my pet peeves. I'm always astonished when they start to pretend we're bestes buddies now.

That's what grinded my gears the most. At least have the goddamn common courtesy to treat me like shit. If she was rude to me, or like "oh it's you" with a sneer, I would've ignored it, I would've said nothing. What bothered me was being treated positively by someone I have identified as an enemy. It's like Hitler begging my forgiveness, you think I'd go for that? I mean, no, she wasn't the biggest person on my Shit List (she's practically a saint in those standards). But then again, the guy who raped my friend repeatedly and filmed himself doing it is nowhere to be found, so someone near the bottom of the list will have to do.

I hope she had her day ruined. She probably didn't, she probably giggled with her spoiled little sorority friends later about me and how stupid I acted. But in a perfect world, her little mountaintop of narcissism would come crashing down and she'd be on my level. She'd feel as ugly as I am. And that's true bullying. Which is why I like it so much, because I'm a sadistic motherfucker when I want to be. She'd think, "wow, being beautiful isn't everything." I dunno, I'm digging my own grave here in regards to "people on the forum thinking I'm a good person." Pintsize has a point, I'm not worthy of being liked.


[quote="Andrew Corvero"]

This doesn't mean that what was done to you was right, but often people wish to just erase a time which they now feel was made up of stupid choices, fears and a sense of not knowing what the hell you should have done. Highschool bullies many times regret what they've done deep down but chalk it up as "being a stupid kid" or doing it just to belong in clique. Their victims, of course, disagree, but I've found helpful to give everyone a second chance. If you treated me like dirt but now you want to be nice to me, I'll be nice to you.

Yeah, that's not good enough for me. By the time you're regretting something, it is way too late to fix it. You're miles beyond fixing a goddamn thing.

Actually, I haven't had a chance to get back at any of my high school bullies for a while. The last one was when me and a friend switched all of his pictures with hentai, and changed the starting music to an orgasm, and the dumb fuck played it in his school library, and got banned. That was a damn good prank. But he was a mean fucker and he deserved it completely, this chick got a little too much hate.

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Post by PintsizeBro on Mon May 11, 2015 11:33 pm

I don't think you're unworthy of being liked, dude. I think you try really hard to be unlikable because it makes you feel like you're in control. If you treated people nicely, that would mean letting your guard down a little, and that means oh shit, somebody might be able to hurt you. You keep yourself isolated because you think it makes you safe, but what it does is make you miserable.

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Post by Gman on Tue May 12, 2015 2:19 am

PintsizeBro wrote:I don't think you're unworthy of being liked, dude. I think you try really hard to be unlikable because it makes you feel like you're in control. If you treated people nicely, that would mean letting your guard down a little, and that means oh shit, somebody might be able to hurt you. You keep yourself isolated because you think it makes you safe, but what it does is make you miserable.

This. So much this. I pretty much think he nailed it. You're using hate as a defense mechanism.
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Post by Izmuth on Tue May 12, 2015 7:26 am

Andrew Corvero wrote:
People that suddenly forget what relationship we had in highschool is one of my pet peeves. I'm always astonished when they start to pretend we're bestes buddies now.

I can understand the feeling, but I've found out that many if not most people forget about highschool as soon as it's over. Contrary to what many movies make you think highschool is usually a pretty terrible time of your life for everyone, popular kids and unpopular ones alike. Highschool is when you want to start being an adult but you're still a child. Adolescence is full of traumas for pretty much everyone.

This doesn't mean that what was done to you was right, but often people wish to just erase a time which they now feel was made up of stupid choices, fears and a sense of not knowing what the hell you should have done. Highschool bullies many times regret what they've done deep down but chalk it up as "being a stupid kid" or doing it just to belong in clique. Their victims, of course, disagree, but I've found helpful to give everyone a second chance. If you treated me like dirt but now you want to be nice to me, I'll be nice to you.

It's only a second chance, though, not a blank check: if their niceness is faked just in order to get something from me and once they get what they want it fades away, or if they're still assholes right from the start I can give them a piece of my mind (especially in private, when it's just me and them) before I sever any ties with them as soon as possible.

Overall, though, I think that living in the past isn't a very good choice. Forgiveness heals you and allows you to grow up.

Meh. They don't really need my forgiveness, because I'm just a shadow from their past as they are to me.
We're totally insignificant to each other. (by the way, I don't think you mean it like this, but using "grow up" sounds a bit patronizing Razz)

Which is what I'd also recommend you to realize Glides: you're nothing to her, and she's nothing to you.
"Getting back" at her is a waste of time. It's also really hard to quantify how many revenge units she inflicted on you so how many revenge units you have to inflict on her to break even (do you measure that in deca-Christo's?).

Glaring and slamming the door is fine. You're just being truthful you think she's a bitch. Then fantasizing how this may have ruined her day? Not fine. That's when you let grudges control your life and live too much in the past IMHO.
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Tue May 12, 2015 10:18 am

I'm kind of in the middle about the question of forgiveness. I do see some merit to it... holding grudges takes mental effort, and keeps old pain alive. Not to mention the cycles of conflicts they keep alive. And... practice with forgiving others can make it easier to eventually forgive oneself? Which is something I have some personal experience with.

On the other hand, I wonder if forgiveness hasn't become too much of a social norm? That we're too quick to take a stand on other people's process of forgiveness? I also have kind of a soft spot for so-called negative emotions – up to a point, at least. When they're managed at a level where they don't lead to prolonged suffering, they're part of how we live in this world.

When it comes to revenge, that's a bit different again. When you choose not to forgive, you make a choice for yourself – when you choose to take revenge (above just ignoring the people you hate), you make a choice for someone else. I think that should be done very sparingly.

And then there's the matter of collateral damage. Other people may have their own histories with public humiliation. Including, I'd assume, several of the people around here. To be an audience to your revenge could easily bring up their own pain, reinforce their own insecurities, and I don't think they've done anything to deserve that?
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Tue May 12, 2015 1:53 pm

by the way, I don't think you mean it like this, but using "grow up" sounds a bit patronizing

You're right, I should have written "move on" or "think about the future".

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Post by jcorozza on Tue May 12, 2015 10:23 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:I don't think you're unworthy of being liked, dude. I think you try really hard to be unlikable because it makes you feel like you're in control. If you treated people nicely, that would mean letting your guard down a little, and that means oh shit, somebody might be able to hurt you. You keep yourself isolated because you think it makes you safe, but what it does is make you miserable.

Yup. If you're nasty to people, and they don't like you, no big deal. But if you're nice, and people still don't? That's scary. Then you have to figure out what else might be going on that turns people off.
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 1:12 am

PintsizeBro wrote:I don't think you're unworthy of being liked, dude. I think you try really hard to be unlikable because it makes you feel like you're in control. If you treated people nicely, that would mean letting your guard down a little, and that means oh shit, somebody might be able to hurt you. You keep yourself isolated because you think it makes you safe, but what it does is make you miserable.

I don't think I'm capable of doing anything else at this point.

For fucks sake, I've been going to a therapist coming on two months now and nothing has improved, she has no idea what to do about me. She ends up panicking whenever I mention suicide or depression and always keeps the topic on my anxiety, which she can't figure out how to cure. So we just talk about films and philosophy and stuff. I don't have to pay for it, yay, but I'm seeing no improvement and at this point I'm doubting any therapist is capable of curing me.

To be even more blunt, I don't want to be nice. I get nothing from being nice. My own needs come before everyone else's, and I've hit a point where I've stopped repressing that part of myself. I'm coming to realize that I never was a nice person, I was just really good at pretending to be nice for most of my life until I got so much pressure that that part of me just sort of went away.

So I've become quite rude, only by removing my filter. It takes active self-control not to treat people rudely. I don't really enjoy it unless it's directed at stupid bitches like the girl we've been talking about, but otherwise it's just what I automatically do. Feeling guilty about it doesn't really make me good either. I'm not really directly rude, I'm just unbelievably snarky, I make blunt statements about people. I insult almost everyone I know behind their backs, waiting for someone to snitch on me and ruin the so-called friendship between us. I tell everyone I know about my friend who exclusively hits on underage girls, hoping he catches on and avoids me. I talk about my inherently racist roommate currently dating a black guy ("forbidden fruit syndrome" strikes again, this time to an Orthodox Jewish girl). I talk about my coworker/girl I dated once and how she got arrested for underage drinking (she's 18). I talk shit about almost everyone in my life (excluding a select couple people who have been nothing but kind to me), trying to get them to find out and hate me, so I can figure out what other people say about me.

And all I get is "Glides is a dick. He was such a sweetheart once upon a time, but he's just so mean now. I don't like hanging out with him, he's so goddamn cynical all the time. He's really fun when he's drunk though, get him drunk more often." So basically what I'm expecting to hear. At one point I was nice and a pushover. I did anything to be liked, anything to be rewarded with smiles and thanks, desperate for approval. The years of being walked on by literally everybody wore me down until I lost the ability to pretend to be nice and now treat everyone horribly.

It doesn't make sense why I do it. I have nothing but respect for my coworker for hating my guts, for telling everyone what an asshole I am and how I treated her so badly for no reason at all. I dislike her intensely, the thought of her stupid fucking grin in her perfect fucking body makes me nauseous, but I respect her for disliking me, I consider her to be a damned intelligent woman. I have power over her because I got to choose how she thinks about me. It wasn't anything I accidentally did.

I'm not even speaking from what I consciously do, I speak from what I do despite not wanting to. I don't want to be rude, I just am. I want to be nice, I just won't. I have no idea how to fix that. I've spent the last couple months preparing myself for failing out of school (getting a higher-paying job, I have an interview on Monday and if I got it, I'd officially have no financial troubles), preparing myself for my parents' backlash and cutting me off in every way, preparing myself for being shamed and then ignored by my status-obsessed family.

There's only a few people left who think of me positively, and they're the ones self-aware enough to understand what I'm doing to myself, with the drinking and the drug use and the procrastination and the apathy. They're watching a kid who had a 4.0 GPA in middle school completely self-destruct and implode. The pressure was too much for him, his own self-hatred was too much for him. They try fruitlessly to help, one tries to hook me up with a girl and underestimates just how toxic I am, the other attempts to encourage me to keep on making films not understanding how apathetic I've become. It's taken so much goddamn work keeping my inevitable failure from my parents and my family, convincing them everything is OK, that their precious little boy is a superstar genius they expect him to be.

Rant aside, I'm a little too far down the hill to stop and turn around. Only solution is to intensify what I'm already doing so that my implosion will be quicker, less painless, and will be contained. More drinking? Until I poison myself. More drugs? Not just weed, anything I'm offered, I'm taking as much of it as possible. I'm going out Leaving Las Vegas style. I do not want to think or feel.

So here's my question to any and all of you: do you honestly see someone who can save himself? More importantly, do you see someone worth being saved?


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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 1:20 am

I see someone who can turn shit around if he pulls his head out of his ass. If not, it is 50:50 if he matures enough to do the necessary.

And this is coming from someone who is not particularly fond of you, so you can trust it.
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 2:54 am

reboot wrote:I see someone who can turn shit around if he pulls his head out of his ass. If not, it is 50:50 if he matures enough to do the necessary.

And this is coming from someone who is not particularly fond of you, so you can trust it.

Thank you for being the only one with enough cojones to come right out and say it. I appreciate that, really. Political correctness is pretty useless.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed May 13, 2015 4:07 am

Glides wrote:
PintsizeBro wrote:I don't think you're unworthy of being liked, dude. I think you try really hard to be unlikable because it makes you feel like you're in control. If you treated people nicely, that would mean letting your guard down a little, and that means oh shit, somebody might be able to hurt you. You keep yourself isolated because you think it makes you safe, but what it does is make you miserable.

I don't think I'm capable of doing anything else at this point.

For fucks sake, I've been going to a therapist coming on two months now and nothing has improved, she has no idea what to do about me. She ends up panicking whenever I mention suicide or depression and always keeps the topic on my anxiety, which she can't figure out how to cure. So we just talk about films and philosophy and stuff. I don't have to pay for it, yay, but I'm seeing no improvement and at this point I'm doubting any therapist is capable of curing me.

To be even more blunt, I don't want to be nice. I get nothing from being nice. My own needs come before everyone else's, and I've hit a point where I've stopped repressing that part of myself. I'm coming to realize that I never was a nice person, I was just really good at pretending to be nice for most of my life until I got so much pressure that that part of me just sort of went away.

So I've become quite rude, only by removing my filter. It takes active self-control not to treat people rudely. I don't really enjoy it unless it's directed at stupid bitches like the girl we've been talking about, but otherwise it's just what I automatically do. Feeling guilty about it doesn't really make me good either. I'm not really directly rude, I'm just unbelievably snarky, I make blunt statements about people. I insult almost everyone I know behind their backs, waiting for someone to snitch on me and ruin the so-called friendship between us. I tell everyone I know about my friend who exclusively hits on underage girls, hoping he catches on and avoids me. I talk about my inherently racist roommate currently dating a black guy ("forbidden fruit syndrome" strikes again, this time to an Orthodox Jewish girl). I talk about my coworker/girl I dated once and how she got arrested for underage drinking (she's 18). I talk shit about almost everyone in my life (excluding a select couple people who have been nothing but kind to me), trying to get them to find out and hate me, so I can figure out what other people say about me.

And all I get is "Glides is a dick. He was such a sweetheart once upon a time, but he's just so mean now. I don't like hanging out with him, he's so goddamn cynical all the time. He's really fun when he's drunk though, get him drunk more often." So basically what I'm expecting to hear. At one point I was nice and a pushover. I did anything to be liked, anything to be rewarded with smiles and thanks, desperate for approval. The years of being walked on by literally everybody wore me down until I lost the ability to pretend to be nice and now treat everyone horribly.

It doesn't make sense why I do it. I have nothing but respect for my coworker for hating my guts, for telling everyone what an asshole I am and how I treated her so badly for no reason at all. I dislike her intensely, the thought of her stupid fucking grin in her perfect fucking body makes me nauseous, but I respect her for disliking me, I consider her to be a damned intelligent woman. I have power over her because I got to choose how she thinks about me. It wasn't anything I accidentally did.

I'm not even speaking from what I consciously do, I speak from what I do despite not wanting to. I don't want to be rude, I just am. I want to be nice, I just won't. I have no idea how to fix that. I've spent the last couple months preparing myself for failing out of school (getting a higher-paying job, I have an interview on Monday and if I got it, I'd officially have no financial troubles), preparing myself for my parents' backlash and cutting me off in every way, preparing myself for being shamed and then ignored by my status-obsessed family.

There's only a few people left who think of me positively, and they're the ones self-aware enough to understand what I'm doing to myself, with the drinking and the drug use and the procrastination and the apathy. They're watching a kid who had a 4.0 GPA in middle school completely self-destruct and implode. The pressure was too much for him, his own self-hatred was too much for him. They try fruitlessly to help, one tries to hook me up with a girl and underestimates just how toxic I am, the other attempts to encourage me to keep on making films not understanding how apathetic I've become. It's taken so much goddamn work keeping my inevitable failure from my parents and my family, convincing them everything is OK, that their precious little boy is a superstar genius they expect him to be.

Rant aside, I'm a little too far down the hill to stop and turn around. Only solution is to intensify what I'm already doing so that my implosion will be quicker, less painless, and will be contained. More drinking? Until I poison myself. More drugs? Not just weed, anything I'm offered, I'm taking as much of it as possible. I'm going out Leaving Las Vegas style. I do not want to think or feel.

So here's my question to any and all of you: do you honestly see someone who can save himself? More importantly, do you see someone worth being saved?


-Two months is nothing, also obtain a new therapist if she can't handle your shit.
-As a fellow asshole, a fuck-you-got-mine mentality does not equal sulky. Being pleasant and being self-interested can work together perfectly well.
-Snark is all good, provided you find an audience who likes it. I underwent sort of the same transformation, and you can do snark perfectly well, provided you are willing to taboo certain topics around a person and can actually handle people batting the ball back.
-You still yearn for something, this time it's disapproval so you have more sticks to beat yourself with. Likewise, you respect co-worker because you like dudettes who power through your schtick because you hope a type like her will break you out of this cycle somehow.
-Your family can see through your crap, trust me on this.
-Stick to weed and booze, and psychedelics that are legal due to religious freedom clauses. Drugs are a waste of money with regards to bang for buck.

In short, I see someone who is similar to myself on a lot of fronts, plus more serious insecurity that willl need therapy to cure over a longer period of time. Nobody can save himself, and nobody is ever worth anything, so those questions are silly.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Wed May 13, 2015 5:25 am

Glides wrote:For fucks sake, I've been going to a therapist coming on two months now and nothing has improved, she has no idea what to do about me. She ends up panicking whenever I mention suicide or depression and always keeps the topic on my anxiety, which she can't figure out how to cure. So we just talk about films and philosophy and stuff. I don't have to pay for it, yay, but I'm seeing no improvement and at this point I'm doubting any therapist is capable of curing me.

If she really ends panicking when you talk about depression and suicide, she's not a really good therapist for you. I've gone to therapy for two years, (still going). I was suicidal at the beginning of therapy. I've told my therapist about my suicidal ideas in very graphic details, and he didn't even flinch: he just told me to try to meditate, set aside my feelings for a while and examine critically the reasons why I felt suicidal. I think that a good therapist should never react in an overly emotional way to their patient's thought, even when they are frightening. If that's what she's doing it's rather unprofessional of her.

Have you tried looking for someone else to help you? If you're really feeling suicidal, you should try to call a suicide hotline. They've heard plenty of people talking about suicide, it's in the job description. They won't panic or steer the discourse away from suicide.

To be even more blunt, I don't want to be nice. I get nothing from being nice.

I disagree. You get the chance that people are nicer to you, which is a huge perk if you can use it well.

My own needs come before everyone else's, and I've hit a point where I've stopped repressing that part of myself. I'm coming to realize that I never was a nice person, I was just really good at pretending to be nice for most of my life until I got so much pressure that that part of me just sort of went away.

There's no such thing as a "naturally nice" or a "naturally non-nice" person. There are only people with different approaches to reality, approaches that can be changed if you have time and you want to.

So I've become quite rude, only by removing my filter. It takes active self-control not to treat people rudely. I don't really enjoy it unless it's directed at stupid bitches like the girl we've been talking about, but otherwise it's just what I automatically do.

It's a habit. You can get rid of it if you want to. But you can also approach your life in a different way. It's your call, really: if you choose the hard way and be blunt some people may dislike you but some other people may actually respect you and like you for your honesty, as long as you're actually honest and not deliberately mean-spirited to people who are friendly to you (which you don't seem to be).

You're making it harder for yourself, though. It's OK if you feel you can handle it but since you have some self-hatred issues, I would recommend that you are at least a bit nicer to yourself.

Feeling guilty about it doesn't really make me good either.

You're right about this. Feeling guilty rarely helps people to feel better, especially if the guilt doesn't give them the energy to make some changes in their life. Guilt and apathy are a terrible combination.

I'm not really directly rude, I'm just unbelievably snarky, I make blunt statements about people.

That's actually fine. I have friends who are very blunt, and if they're honest I respect them for that. It's not my cup of tea, so to speak, as I tend to be more diplomatic than overtly aggressive, but to each their own.

I insult almost everyone I know behind their backs, waiting for someone to snitch on me and ruin the so-called friendship between us.

This is far less OK. Insulting people behind their backs to ruin your relationships is yet another manifestation of your self-hatred. Why do you hate yourself so much?

I tell everyone I know about my friend who exclusively hits on underage girls, hoping he catches on and avoids me. I talk about my inherently racist roommate currently dating a black guy ("forbidden fruit syndrome" strikes again, this time to an Orthodox Jewish girl). I talk about my coworker/girl I dated once and how she got arrested for underage drinking (she's 18). I talk shit about almost everyone in my life (excluding a select couple people who have been nothing but kind to me), trying to get them to find out and hate me, so I can figure out what other people say about me.

You're actually wasting your time with petty gossip and making your life much more difficult. If that's the plan, then congratulation, good job. But somehow I think you don't really want to do that.

At one point I was nice and a pushover. I did anything to be liked, anything to be rewarded with smiles and thanks, desperate for approval. The years of being walked on by literally everybody wore me down until I lost the ability to pretend to be nice and now treat everyone horribly.

That's the root of your problem. You were so desperate to be liked by others that you didn't like yourself and only did things to get on their good side. Yes, you were a pushover and that hurt you. But being nice (or better yet, kind) is a completely different thing from being a pushover. Kind people help others because they want to help, not because they need external validation. They hang out with people that they like, not with everyone who gives them an ounce of attention. They have their limits and don't take anyone's bullshit. They can say "no" in a polite way if they have a good reason for saying no and they don't feel even remotely guilty about it .

Kind people like themselves. They don't think they're perfect but they're genuinely happy with what they do (including, but not only, helping others). They take action and improve their lives on their own, they don't wait for a reward because they were nice. Pushovers are desperate to be liked by others to fill the void of self-hatred they have inside. Being a pushover is incredibly hard and sooner or later pushovers snap, like you did. Actually I think that it's a good thing that you stopped looking for external validation for being nice. You only need to do an extra step and find internal validation.

What would you like to do, Glides? Did you have any dreams and ambitions?

It doesn't make sense why I do it. I have nothing but respect for my coworker for hating my guts, for telling everyone what an asshole I am and how I treated her so badly for no reason at all.

Actually it makes a lot of sense, at least to me. You have stopped looking for external validation for being nice (which is actually a good thing) and have completely rejected the notion, but you're still looking for external validation, this time for being a dick. You like the power of dictating what other people think of you. But just like devoting yourself to others won't bring you any joy if you don't like yourself, isolating yourself for your own choice will bring you no satisfaction unless you're completely happy with being alone. Which I assume you aren't, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

I'm not even speaking from what I consciously do, I speak from what I do despite not wanting to. I don't want to be rude, I just am. I want to be nice, I just won't. I have no idea how to fix that.

It's a long road. It starts with making the choice of listening to what you want. What do you really want, Glides? Do you have any plans? Is there something you've never done that you'd like to do? Don't think only about dates and sex. Go wild. Allow yourself to think big.

I'm sure you're feeling really apathetic right now, but there was something you aspired to once. What was it? Do you still desire it now?

And moreover, make your own choices, not the ones that are expected of you. It's clear that you can't live the life that someone else wants for you. You have your life to live.

It's taken so much goddamn work keeping my inevitable failure from my parents and my family, convincing them everything is OK, that their precious little boy is a superstar genius they expect him to be.

That's an incredible amount of pressure you're putting on yourself. Are you sure that your family wouldn't be able to understand that you're suffering? If they love you, the real Glides comes before any fantasy of the superstar genius that they might have had.

Only solution is to intensify what I'm already doing so that my implosion will be quicker, less painless, and will be contained.

There's no way of doing that. There's no contained explosion of a life. Even hermits have someone who cares about them, and you have plenty. Also, it's never as painless or quick as you imagine. It's a horrible, slow, painful thing.

Again, I think you might really benefit of some talking to someone who has some experience with dealing with depressed, suicidal people without panicking.

More drinking? Until I poison myself. More drugs? Not just weed, anything I'm offered, I'm taking as much of it as possible. I'm going out Leaving Las Vegas style. I do not want to think or feel.

Then I'll give you some bad news. They will only make you feel worse, and they won't stop the thoughts. Leaving Las Vegas is a good movie, but it's a movie. It's romanticized fiction. It doesn't show the ugly parts like the nausea, the diarrhea (if you choose booze) or the painful constipation (if you choose drugs, especially cocaine). It doesn't show the cramps.

Moreover it doesn't show the nightmares, the panic attacks, the bouts of rage or depression and the full swing of emotions you'll feel, and the obsessive thoughts you'll get. There's no clean way to drown yourself in alcohol or bury yourself in drugs. It's always a horrible ride, and if you happen to hit rock bottom and want to climb back it's going to take you LOADS of time and effort. I've seen it happen to a friend of mine that I visited from time to time while he was in rehab. It took him three years to get to a stage where he stopped some of the intrusive thoughts and the pain.

I really, really, don't recommend it.

So here's my question to any and all of you: do you honestly see someone who can save himself? More importantly, do you see someone worth being saved?

Yes, I see someone who can save himself. And yes, I see someone worth being saved.

But the really important thing is that YOU see someone worth saving and who can be saved. Because at the end of the day other people can only help you, it's you who have to live your life. And that's the good news: you can choose to be saved. You can choose to think you're worth saving. And by choosing this, you will feel worth saving. It's going to take time, but you can do it. Because you can choose to do it.

Again, when you feel suicidal and don't know what to do, call a suicide hotline. They're trained professionals who know how to deal with suicidal people. You're already getting some therapy so you know that there's no shame in getting help.

I think that there's a post in the forum with some useful numbers, but I'll give you some more (I'm assuming you're American from your spelling and from the fact that you said that 18 is too young for people to legally drink where you leave):

A list of hotlines for every state in the US

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Active 24/7, very professional

Hopeline. They have a number specifically for grad students, maybe it's better for you.

Take care, Glides. You can do it. I believe in you.

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 9:12 am

Glides wrote:
reboot wrote:I see someone who can turn shit around if he pulls his head out of his ass. If not, it is 50:50 if he matures enough to do the necessary.

And this is coming from someone who is not particularly fond of you, so you can trust it.

Thank you for being the only one with enough cojones to come right out and say it. I appreciate that, really. Political correctness is pretty useless.

And by the necessary I mean pulling your head out of your ass.The other 50 of 50:50 is you getting increasingly cruel to those around you and becoming a bully.

2 months of therapy? Puhleeze. This stuff takes 1+ years to sort out and that is when the person getting therapy is not fighting it every step of the way
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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed May 13, 2015 1:28 pm

4.0 GPA in middle school? That doesn't mean you're smart, it means you showed up and did what you were told.

You want a quick fix. You want women to flock to your dick even though you treat them like garbage. You want therapy to get rid of a lifetime's worth of issues in two months. Quick fixes don't exist. Even when, as Reboot pointed out, you're not fighting improvement every step of the way.

You say you don't like being an asshole, and you sure don't like living with the consequences, but I don't see you trying to do better.

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 1:36 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:4.0 GPA in middle school? That doesn't mean you're smart, it means you showed up and did what you were told.

You want a quick fix. You want women to flock to your dick even though you treat them like garbage. You want therapy to get rid of a lifetime's worth of issues in two months. Quick fixes don't exist. Even when, as Reboot pointed out, you're not fighting improvement every step of the way.

You say you don't like being an asshole, and you sure don't like living with the consequences, but I don't see you trying to do better.

Cosigned. Shit. In middle school I barely showed up, was high most of the time I was there and spent a lot of time in detention for backtalk and fighting still had a 3.8. Middle school grades have nothing to do with intelligence.

I agree with PintSizedBro. You want it all to come fast and easy. Being as asshole is easier than trying to work on what is driving you to be an asshole, so you are opting for asshole. The path of least resistance.
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