Glides' Latest Spectacular Fuckup

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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 1:43 pm

Okay, so Glides -- I've been reading along and offering help from time to time, but I have to say: I kind of no longer want to help you, not because it's stressful or exhausting, but because you are painting a picture of your goal that I don't want to help you become.

It really sounds like you're saying, "I want to be a bad, unpleasant person, and I want women to spend time with me anyway. I want to have my needs met without considering other people's feelings."

You are describing incredible anger and hostility towards people who may have been perfectly pleasant. Your language is honestly frightening me, in a "worried-that-this-guy-is-a-breath-away-from-physical-violence" way. I don't want women in your life. I don't want women liking you and trusting you and making themselves vulnerable to the explosion when they inevitably fail to be what you want.

I have been tiptoeing around this for a while, but if you're looking to be the bad guy, you've succeeded. If my sister was going out with you, I would beg her to walk away and check regularly for unexplained bruises.

Can you come back from this? Maybe. I don't know. But not if you're looking at it as a way to get pussy. Don't be a better person because you want to get laid. Either be a better person or don't. But do not, I beg you, find some vulnerable and trusting person to "fix your issues" that you will inevitably lash out at and hurt because she says or does something that you interpret the wrong way.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 3:13 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Glides wrote:
I insult almost everyone I know behind their backs, waiting for someone to snitch on me and ruin the so-called friendship between us.

This is far less OK. Insulting people behind their backs to ruin your relationships is yet another manifestation of your self-hatred. Why do you hate yourself so much?

I think that's pretty obvious at this point why I do. To summarize, no positive qualities whatsoever. Reading back over the thread, I think I'm subconsciously trying to get everyone here to dislike me so that I will have what I deserve. I subconsciously believe that I deserve no happiness or good in my life at any kind, I only feel stable when things are going horribly for me. Already worked on (from who I can remember off the top of my head) One True Guest, Mikey, Kleenestar, Delafina, and Reboot and Eliza and Pintsize from this thread alone. So I guess I'm succeeding at my warped goals in life which I subconsciously let out here. I ended up sniping at OTG so hard she literally left the forum over me, I got banned for two weeks over that. Made a lot of enemies because of that stupidity.

So I think that's why I was a dick to you when you first started responding. I think I assume subconsciously that any kindness directed at me is always from a backstabber, that you're mocking me from your pedestal. People are not genuinely kind to me, nor do I deserve such kindness, therefore I need to let them know I'm not as stupid as they think I am. That's the perspective I attack from. Probably makes me a troll in denial or something.

It's really strange, how I think I don't deserve to be happy, that I don't deserve people liking and caring about me.

In the real world, people are getting increasingly mad at me for refusing to work on any of their film sets, but the few times I've done so, I've been nothing but mean to people, so I decided keeping myself isolated and hidden away like Quasimodo is a smarter plan while I still act irrationally toxic. When everyone is an asshole, you are the real asshole.



[quote]At one point I was nice and a pushover. I did anything to be liked, anything to be rewarded with smiles and thanks, desperate for approval. The years of being walked on by literally everybody wore me down until I lost the ability to pretend to be nice and now treat everyone horribly.

Kind people like themselves. They don't think they're perfect but they're genuinely happy with what they do (including, but not only, helping others). They take action and improve their lives on their own, they don't wait for a reward because they were nice. Pushovers are desperate to be liked by others to fill the void of self-hatred they have inside. Being a pushover is incredibly hard and sooner or later pushovers snap, like you did. Actually I think that it's a good thing that you stopped looking for external validation for being nice. You only need to do an extra step and find internal validation.

What would you like to do, Glides? Did you have any dreams and ambitions?

That's the mentality that made me mean. I'm not sure if I'm capable of ever liking myself in any way, not when I'm so obsessed with external validation.

My ambitions far exceed my ability, not worth discussing here.

It's a long road. It starts with making the choice of listening to what you want. What do you really want, Glides? Do you have any plans? Is there something you've never done that you'd like to do? Don't think only about dates and sex. Go wild. Allow yourself to think big.

I'm sure you're feeling really apathetic right now, but there was something you aspired to once. What was it? Do you still desire it now?

And moreover, make your own choices, not the ones that are expected of you. It's clear that you can't live the life that someone else wants for you. You have your life to live.

Like I said, all my ambitions exceed my ability. I had aspirations and desires, but now my only desire is to sit and rot and do nothing until I die, which is more or less impossible in this economy. So working in a job that pays enough to afford to live and sleeping are my current aspirations, because I had neither. At fifteen, I wanted to become a film director. Now I just want to sleep. Beyond that and socializing with the few people I still get along with, I have no goals of any kind. I watch great movies and feel nothing, I eat my favorite foods and taste cardboard.


That's an incredible amount of pressure you're putting on yourself. Are you sure that your family wouldn't be able to understand that you're suffering? If they love you, the real Glides comes before any fantasy of the superstar genius that they might have had.

My family isn't really capable of what you'd call love. They only do things as long as it benefits them and them alone. I used to think they didn't love me, but then I came to understand that no one in my family loves anyone apart from themselves. Exactly like me, without the self-hatred. The marriages exist as mutually beneficial agreements, they have children to boost their own public image, it's like the Royal Tenanbaums if they were all sociopaths. Are they actually sociopaths? I have no idea. But that whole compassion and empathy thing is beyond them.


So here's my question to any and all of you: do you honestly see someone who can save himself? More importantly, do you see someone worth being saved?

Yes, I see someone who can save himself. And yes, I see someone worth being saved.

But the really important thing is that YOU see someone worth saving and who can be saved. Because at the end of the day other people can only help you, it's you who have to live your life. And that's the good news: you can choose to be saved. You can choose to think you're worth saving. And by choosing this, you will feel worth saving. It's going to take time, but you can do it. Because you can choose to do it.

I'd imagine this isn't as simple as letting Jesus into your heart? Razz

As a side note, Eliza's post freaked me the hell out, I actually felt like getting punched in the stomach. I don't want people keeping their hypothetical sisters from me because they think I'm a woman-beater. At the same time, I felt strangely validated because Eliza dislikes me, and in my mind this feels like what I deserve and how everyone should feel about me. I'm very masochistic in that way.

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 3:29 pm

Glides wrote:

.....

As a side note, Eliza's post freaked me the hell out, I actually felt like getting punched in the stomach. I don't want people keeping their hypothetical sisters from me because they think I'm a woman-beater. At the same time, I felt strangely validated because Eliza dislikes me, and in my mind this feels like what I deserve and how everyone should feel about me. I'm very masochistic in that way.

Being disliked is easier than working out the issues that make you dislike yourself and in turn make you act hurtfully and hatefully to those around you. Once again taking the easy way out.
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 4:36 pm

Glides wrote:As a side note, Eliza's post freaked me the hell out, I actually felt like getting punched in the stomach. I don't want people keeping their hypothetical sisters from me because they think I'm a woman-beater. At the same time, I felt strangely validated because Eliza dislikes me, and in my mind this feels like what I deserve and how everyone should feel about me. I'm very masochistic in that way.

So, it was not exactly my intention to make you feel like you were punched in the stomach, but it it had impact, I'm glad.

I think we here try very hard to be nice and fair to everyone, and sometimes that has value, but sometimes it's just necessary to be direct. I didn't want to give the impression that I "dislike" you, exactly, because that's an incomplete and not entirely accurate view of things.

I am afraid of you, in the same way that I would be afraid of a veteran with uncontrolled PTSD who has violent outbursts. I don't necessarily blame him for it. I don't wish him harm. I hope and pray that he can find healing and comfort and peace. But that doesn't mean that I or anyone else has an obligation to put our physical, fragile bodies in front of him when he's lashing out. That doesn't mean that I shouldn't run away when I'm in danger.

What I've been perceiving is a gradually escalating pattern of bitterness and ugly language and so, so, so much ANGER. Anger at yourself. Anger at your friends. Anger at the world. It's unfocused. It's directionless. You talk about lashing out at people verbally, and I don't think you're processing how much harm that can do in the moment. And I have SEEN this. I have watched it. I have watched the anger build and roil and feed on itself, and unless you decide that you are going to let it GO, it will almost certainly escalate.

I want you to look at this phrase for a moment:

"I dislike her intensely, the thought of her stupid fucking grin in her perfect fucking body makes me nauseous"

The anger just ROILS off of this sentence. I cannot read it without imagining you spitting the words, physically clenching up. The description of the PHYSICAL response to her presence makes you read as a wound spring just waiting to snap.

Most of your worst anger lately has been self-directed, but the casual lashes at other people that I see sometimes makes me legitimately worried that you're just spiraling down that pit.

I'm not saying all of this because I don't like you, Glides. I'm not saying it because I don't care. I'm saying it because I do care, deeply.

You are in pain. You are acting out of nothing but that pain. And I desperately, desperately want to say something that will snap you out of that, because it is getting worse, and worse, and worse.

And I will add this: if that snap happens tomorrow, and if you hurt yourself, or someone else (and I firmly believe that hurting someone else will hurt you, too), I will absolutely cry for you. I am crying now. Because there is nothing I can do to fix you, and the love of a good woman won't fix you, and I don't know if you can find the strength to care enough to fix yourself.

And I do care. Don't ever believe no one cares about you.

I care. That's why I have to say this.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Wed May 13, 2015 4:52 pm

Glides wrote:I think that's pretty obvious at this point why I do. To summarize, no positive qualities whatsoever.

You'd have to be pretty extraordinary not to have any positive qualities or potential qualities.

Reading back over the thread, I think I'm subconsciously trying to get everyone here to dislike me so that I will have what I deserve. I subconsciously believe that I deserve no happiness or good in my life at any kind, I only feel stable when things are going horribly for me.

So basically you're condemning yourself to life in hell because reasons. Is that really such a great plan?

Already worked on (from who I can remember off the top of my head) One True Guest, Mikey, Kleenestar, Delafina, and Reboot and Eliza and Pintsize from this thread alone.

I kind of figured that was your game. Call me a stubborn fool, but I can't help but think that if you really wanted to be hated you wouldn't post in a forum for dating advice.

Speaking of which: I'm starting to believe that no matter how deep down you know that you're wrong, this might not be the best place for you right now. You have some issues that need help from someone who's far better at counselling and psychology than me, and far more patient than anyone can be reasonably expected to be on an informal forum.

So I guess I'm succeeding at my warped goals in life which I subconsciously let out here. I ended up sniping at OTG so hard she literally left the forum over me, I got banned for two weeks over that. Made a lot of enemies because of that stupidity.

Again, it wasn't a very good plan, was it?

So I think that's why I was a dick to you when you first started responding. I think I assume subconsciously that any kindness directed at me is always from a backstabber, that you're mocking me from your pedestal. People are not genuinely kind to me, nor do I deserve such kindness, therefore I need to let them know I'm not as stupid as they think I am. That's the perspective I attack from. Probably makes me a troll in denial or something.

It doesn't make me angry. It makes me incredibly sad for you. You're your own worst enemy, Glides, and you're hurting yourself because of nothing. That's cruel, even though only you can stop it. I can only write some words on a forum.  

It's really strange, how I think I don't deserve to be happy, that I don't deserve people liking and caring about me.

That's the root of the problem. You have to believe that you deserve to be happy. Why shouldn't you deserve to be happy? What law in the universe makes your unhappiness so important?

In the real world, people are getting increasingly mad at me for refusing to work on any of their film sets, but the few times I've done so, I've been nothing but mean to people, so I decided keeping myself isolated and hidden away like Quasimodo is a smarter plan while I still act irrationally toxic. When everyone is an asshole, you are the real asshole.

So life as an unhappy hermit is a better choice than gradually learning to interact with people?

That's the mentality that made me mean. I'm not sure if I'm capable of ever liking myself in any way, not when I'm so obsessed with external validation.

A quest for external validation messes you up. You need to learn to like yourself, and the only way to do it is to do something.  

Beyond that and socializing with the few people I still get along with, I have no goals of any kind. I watch great movies and feel nothing, I eat my favorite foods and taste cardboard.

That's a typical symptom of depression.

I'd imagine this isn't as simple as letting Jesus into your heart?  Razz

No, it's very hard, and I don't think I'm the right person to help you do it.

As a side note, Eliza's post freaked me the hell out, I actually felt like getting punched in the stomach. I don't want people keeping their hypothetical sisters from me because they think I'm a woman-beater. At the same time, I felt strangely validated because Eliza dislikes me, and in my mind this feels like what I deserve and how everyone should feel about me. I'm very masochistic in that way.  

You should really talk about these issues with your therapist.

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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed May 13, 2015 5:03 pm

You're doing exactly what I said you were doing: trying to get people to dislike you because that way you feel like you're in control.

I don't hate you. But I can't invest emotionally in someone who is so determined to self-destruct. Nor can I tell you that you aren't the problem when you very clearly are.

I hope you start taking your therapy seriously, rather than expecting it will "cure" you in a matter of days. If your current therapist doesn't know how to deal with having an angry, depressed patient, find one who does. Life doesn't have to be like this.

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 5:12 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:You're doing exactly what I said you were doing: trying to get people to dislike you because that way you feel like you're in control.

I don't hate you. But I can't invest emotionally in someone who is so determined to self-destruct. Nor can I tell you that you aren't the problem when you very clearly are.

I hope you start taking your therapy seriously, rather than expecting it will "cure" you in a matter of days. If your current therapist doesn't know how to deal with having an angry, depressed patient, find one who does. Life doesn't have to be like this.

I do somewhat dislike you, but that is not because you do not have the potential to be likeable. It is because you bury that potential under a shitpile of cruel, bullying and nasty behavior and statements. Every once in a while I catch a glimpse of a Glides that I could like.

Beyond that, cosign everything PintSizeBro says. You are currently the problem you need to fix. Taking your therapy seriously and not expecting insta-change is the first step.
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Post by jcorozza on Wed May 13, 2015 5:40 pm

Glides wrote:

I think that's pretty obvious at this point why I do. To summarize, no positive qualities whatsoever.

Except that it is pretty clear that you are DELIBERATELY TRYING to have no positive qualities. Or to actively display negative ones.

Glides wrote:
I ended up sniping at OTG so hard she literally left the forum over me, I got banned for two weeks over that. Made a lot of enemies because of that stupidity.

It's hard to tell whether you actually want to make enemies or not. You seem to recognize that this was "stupidity", but at the same time, it doesn't seem like you much value friends or input from others.


[quote="Glides"]
My ambitions far exceed my ability, not worth discussing here. [/quotes]

You've said this twice here, and it's damned evasive. I think this is a big part of your problem. As soon as someone pinpoints something you could possibly work on, it's time to change the subject. There must be at least SOME of your aspirations that are achievable (unless your dream was to be King of Atlantis and become a lion).



Glides wrote: My family isn't really capable of what you'd call love. They only do things as long as it benefits them and them alone... I have no idea. But that whole compassion and empathy thing is beyond them.

This...sounds a lot like you. I'm actually genuinely curious. Do you feel that you have empathy? Can you think of an example?


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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 6:03 pm

jcorozza wrote:

You've said this twice here, and it's damned evasive.  I think this is a big part of your problem.  As soon as someone pinpoints something you could possibly work on, it's time to change the subject.  There must be at least SOME of your aspirations that are achievable (unless your dream was to be King of Atlantis and become a lion).  

I wanted to be a film director. That's my big aspiration. It's not achievable under any circumstances. Back when I had dreams and goals, it's what I wanted.

I know I need to work on being a good person somehow. I've had two panic attacks this week alone. I'm completely lost and hopeless and alone and it's entirely my doing.




This...sounds a lot like you.  I'm actually genuinely curious.  Do you feel that you have empathy?  Can you think of an example?

I know I did at one point, I just don't remember when it was or how I expressed it.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Wed May 13, 2015 6:15 pm

Glides wrote:I know I did at one point, I just don't remember when it was or how I expressed it.

On a side note, gonna drop my bitterness and self-hate just long enough to offer Prajna a cyberhug, because I read your post and I don't know how else to react to that.

Thread "I am so incredibly stupid", page 2, post written at the 22:59 of Sunday the 26th (GMT+1) of April.

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Post by lonelyoffices on Wed May 13, 2015 6:21 pm

Glides,

Why did you want to be a film director? I would guess that you either wanted to express yourself through that medium or that you enjoyed the process, or both. To the extent that those are or were motivations, what about expressing yourself or the creative process appealed to you?

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Post by jcorozza on Wed May 13, 2015 6:40 pm

Glides wrote:

I wanted to be a film director. That's my big aspiration. It's not achievable under any circumstances. Back when I had dreams and goals, it's what I wanted.

I'm not sure why this is unachievable. A famous director? Okay, that's pretty damn hard. But what obstacles are in the way of you directing on a more independent level?

Glides wrote:
I know I need to work on being a good person somehow. I've had two panic attacks this week alone. I'm completely lost and hopeless and alone and it's entirely my doing.

Need to work on it, or want to?



Glides wrote:

I know I did at one point, I just don't remember when it was or how I expressed it.

Andrew mentioned one - why, in that moment, do you think you were able to feel empathy?
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 6:41 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
Glides wrote:I know I did at one point, I just don't remember when it was or how I expressed it.

On a side note, gonna drop my bitterness and self-hate just long enough to offer Prajna a cyberhug, because I read your post and I don't know how else to react to that.

Thread "I am so incredibly stupid", page 2, post written at the 22:59 of Sunday the 26th (GMT+1) of April.  

That's a start, I guess. Thanks for that.

lonelyoffices wrote:Glides,

Why did you want to be a film director? I would guess that you either wanted to express yourself through that medium or that you enjoyed the process, or both.  To the extent that those are or were motivations, what about expressing yourself or the creative process appealed to you?  

It's what I wanted to do since I was five. For a while it was the only thing that made me happy. I like telling stories (though after film school I don't ever want to tell another story as long as I live), I wanted to make something meaningful and powerful that would make anyone out there hurting as much as me not feel so alone. I can't connect with people normally, so I wanted to resort to communicating through fiction. Deep down in my cold dead heart, I do want to connect with people, I want to feel like I'm a part of this world and that I deserve to be a part of it. Every time Corvero backs me up I have to resist the urge to snap at him, to remind myself that he genuinely means well and isn't trying to make fun of me. I take every act of kindness as an offense.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 6:43 pm

jcorozza wrote:

Need to work on it, or want to?

Both. I want to be good.





Andrew mentioned one - why, in that moment, do you think you were able to feel empathy?

I didn't want her to feel pain? People feeling pain is bad and I'm not a sadist? I felt bad because I didn't want her to feel bad because she's a good person?

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Wed May 13, 2015 6:59 pm

Every time Corvero backs me up I have to resist the urge to snap at him, to remind myself that he genuinely means well and isn't trying to make fun of me. I take every act of kindness as an offense.

You really don't have to. Nothing forces you to do it. I can understand being afraid of being made fun of. I have the exact same fear. But if you snap at others because you're afraid that they're going to treat you badly, you're only going to get them angry at you.

You're going to get exactly what you were afraid of.

So how do you get out of this vicious circle? There's only one way. And it can be scary, I'm not going to lie.

You have to give others the benefit of the doubt. Start small: if someone smiles at you, smile back. If a friend of yours helps you, say "thanks". Treat others as you'd like to be treated. If they respond in kind, that's great. If they treat you badly when you're being friendly that's their problem, not yours.

It's all easier said than done. I understand that when you've been bullied and mocked you're afraid of being bullied and mocked again. I was bullied and mocked too, and so were others on this forum. It sucks. You really want to avoid that feeling for the rest of your life at any cost.

But every time you take an act of kindness as an insult you're actually giving power to your fear. You're letting the bullying and the mockery win over your life. And that's not what you want at all.

So start to tell yourself "maybe if many people say they want to help me on a forum about advice they actually want to help me" "maybe if people say they like me, they actually like me". The world is too busy to conspire against you. Many times people just say what they mean.

And you can snap at me. I can take some Tommy Wiseau mockery or some rage. It doesn't really hurt me.

Both. I want to be good.

That's good. Yeah, I know, Captain Obvious to the rescue. He's a very underrated superhero, though.

I didn't want her to feel pain? People feeling pain is bad and I'm not a sadist? I felt bad because I didn't want her to feel bad because she's a good person?

So you're more empathetic than you think you are. See that it's not so hard as you think?

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Post by lonelyoffices on Wed May 13, 2015 7:22 pm

[/quote]

It's what I wanted to do since I was five. For a while it was the only thing that made me happy. I like telling stories (though after film school I don't ever want to tell another story as long as I live), I wanted to make something meaningful and powerful that would make anyone out there hurting as much as me not feel so alone. I can't connect with people normally, so I wanted to resort to communicating through fiction. Deep down in my cold dead heart, I do want to connect with people, I want to feel like I'm a part of this world and that I deserve to be a part of it. Every time Corvero backs me up I have to resist the urge to snap at him, to remind myself that he genuinely means well and isn't trying to make fun of me. I take every act of kindness as an offense.[/quote]

The things I wanted when I was five were the best.  Then shit happens and those things seem to lose their significance.  I think it's some kind of dark magic.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 7:46 pm



[quote=lonelyoffices]The things I wanted when I was five were the best.  Then shit happens and those things seem to lose their significance.  I think it's some kind of dark magic.[/quote]

Mine lasted a long time, I gotta say. I'm barely passing in film school, going from an honors student in undergrad to nearly failing out. Done wonders for my self-confidence.

Childish dreams, but they kept me going a damned long time. I think school has more or less extinguished them.

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Post by Robjection on Wed May 13, 2015 8:07 pm

Glides wrote:Mine lasted a long time, I gotta say. I'm barely passing in film school, going from an honors student in undergrad to nearly failing out. Done wonders for my self-confidence.

Childish dreams, but they kept me going a damned long time. I think school has more or less extinguished them.
Oh man, I know how that feels.

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 8:26 pm

Robjection wrote:
Glides wrote:Mine lasted a long time, I gotta say. I'm barely passing in film school, going from an honors student in undergrad to nearly failing out. Done wonders for my self-confidence.

Childish dreams, but they kept me going a damned long time. I think school has more or less extinguished them.
Oh man, I know how that feels.

Grad school, crushing the intellectual confidence of students since (at least...there is some debate) 1850
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 8:56 pm

reboot wrote:
Robjection wrote:
Glides wrote:Mine lasted a long time, I gotta say. I'm barely passing in film school, going from an honors student in undergrad to nearly failing out. Done wonders for my self-confidence.

Childish dreams, but they kept me going a damned long time. I think school has more or less extinguished them.
Oh man, I know how that feels.

Grad school, crushing the intellectual confidence of students since (at least...there is some debate) 1850

Goddamn right. It's like they actively hate movies and everything about them. Do they find the bitter assholes on purpose or do they just naturally flock there?

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Post by reboot on Wed May 13, 2015 9:18 pm

Glides wrote:
reboot wrote:
Robjection wrote:
Glides wrote:Mine lasted a long time, I gotta say. I'm barely passing in film school, going from an honors student in undergrad to nearly failing out. Done wonders for my self-confidence.

Childish dreams, but they kept me going a damned long time. I think school has more or less extinguished them.
Oh man, I know how that feels.

Grad school, crushing the intellectual confidence of students since (at least...there is some debate) 1850

Goddamn right. It's like they actively hate movies and everything about them. Do they find the bitter assholes on purpose or do they just naturally flock there?

If your program is anything like my Master's in Public Health program, they shred every ounce of work you do viciously so that when you get in the real world your work is of such a high quality that their program looks good or to toughen you up for a Ph.D.

I shit you not, closest I got to a compliment on my work by in grad school by a professor was, "that is an almost mediocre study design."
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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 9:37 pm

Maybe it's because I studied IT and it's a pretty rigid and rule-based field of study to begin with, but even in Honours and Masters you don't get quite this vicious tearing down of people's work.

Could be a perk of it being a young field, now that I think on it. No legacy to 'besmirch' with poor work.

Er, /derail

For what it's worth, Glides, I think you can save yourself and that you can get help. I feel like if you can focus so much on hating yourself, with the right help (both by head-from-anus removal and external help), you stop expending effort on self-hate and start expending it on self-help. Both take a toll on a person, but self-hate doesn't do you any favours. It's wasted time and energy.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 13, 2015 11:11 pm

reboot wrote:

If your program is anything like my Master's in Public Health program, they shred every ounce of work you do viciously so that when you get in the real world your work is of such a high quality that their program looks good or to toughen you up for a Ph.D.

I shit you not, closest I got to a compliment on my work by in grad school by a professor was, "that is an almost mediocre study design."

The only thing I've ever got consistently good grades in here are the screenwriting classes. It's funny how much of a discrepancy there is: B-, B-, B- (lowest passing grade), and then all As for the screenwriting classes. But since I have no writing classes this quarter, I'm overwhelmed with the technical classes, which make no fucking sense.

Will it make my material better? I have no idea. I hope it does.

Your teachers seem as kind and compassionate as mine.

MapWater wrote:Maybe it's because I studied IT and it's a pretty rigid and rule-based field of study to begin with, but even in Honours and Masters you don't get quite this vicious tearing down of people's work.

Could be a perk of it being a young field, now that I think on it. No legacy to 'besmirch' with poor work.

Er, /derail

For what it's worth, Glides, I think you can save yourself and that you can get help. I feel like if you can focus so much on hating yourself, with the right help (both by head-from-anus removal and external help), you stop expending effort on self-hate and start expending it on self-help. Both take a toll on a person, but self-hate doesn't do you any favours. It's wasted time and energy.

I really want to stop hating myself, I want to be good, I want to feel worthy of being loved and desired if that ever happens. I want to wake up one morning and not feel like complete hell.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 14, 2015 4:04 am

I really want to stop hating myself, I want to be good, I want to feel worthy of being loved and desired if that ever happens. I want to wake up one morning and not feel like complete hell.

This is very understandable, and a good goal to have. Sadly it's not going to happen overnight and it will require some work.

The first thing you should do, IMHO, is stop giving yourself negative judgments. By saying to yourself that you're not good, that you're worthless, you're reinforcing negative patterns that you really don't want to give more strength. Try telling yourself the opposite instead. Make a list of the good things you have or would like to have. Tell to yourself that you deserve to work for them. Give the people who want to help you some credit and be grateful that they're helping you. Tell yourself that you deserve to get better and to be helped to overcome your problems.

What we tell ourselves has a huge influence on what we think about ourselves. If you spend a lot of time hating yourself and associating your name and person to negative connotations you'll start to believe them and you'll feel drained, exhausted, and bitter. Not a good combination of feelings.

What you should do instead is practice some self-love. Tell yourself you're worthy, that you have people who care about you, you have the potential to do many things since you're young and have hopefully plenty of years ahead of you. This is going to take some time and effort, but you're already wasting a lot of time and effort hating and undermining yourself, which is one of the things that make you feel like hell.

Instead of writing posts on how you're worthless, stupid or some other negative thing start saying to yourself "I'm not any of these things. I have some issues, but many other people had my same issues and managed to overcome them. With some time and work, I will be able to overcome them." It would help to also tell to yourself "I'm posting on an advice forum. If people want to give me some advice it's because they want me to succeed. There's no instant magic cure, and there's no guarantee of success, but there are some strategies to cope with negative feelings and improve myself that might really help me. If I can deal with my issues one small step at a time I'm already on the right direction".

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Post by reboot on Thu May 14, 2015 9:15 am

Glides wrote:
reboot wrote:

If your program is anything like my Master's in Public Health program, they shred every ounce of work you do viciously so that when you get in the real world your work is of such a high quality that their program looks good or to toughen you up for a Ph.D.

I shit you not, closest I got to a compliment on my work by in grad school by a professor was, "that is an almost mediocre study design."

The only thing I've ever got consistently good grades in here are the screenwriting classes. It's funny how much of a discrepancy there is: B-, B-, B- (lowest passing grade), and then all As for the screenwriting classes. But since I have no writing classes this quarter, I'm overwhelmed with the technical classes, which make no fucking sense.

Will it make my material better? I have no idea. I hope it does.

Your teachers seem as kind and compassionate as mine.

Once a week we presented at seminars attended by our classmates, faculty and PhD candidates. We presented for one hour and were shredded for the next hour. To this day I cannot call or attend anything called a Friday Seminar without my eyelid twitching. And then there was the masters thesis Uh-oh Weird that B- is your lowest passing grade. Ours was a C-. Your professors sound like the compassionate ones, no Fs and they actually give As

Technical classes of what sort? Like things to do with lighting, sound, camera angles, etc.?
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