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Post by Gman on Fri May 15, 2015 3:48 pm

So once again I find myself in quite an emotional train.... because of something that happened to me yesterday.
I decided to go on my own to dancing place I usually don't visit, due to it being a bit more pricey than other places and that my friends don't like it (for some reason that I don't understand). Anyway class was fun and all and during it my eye catches a very beautiful blonde woman, the likes of which I very rarley had the chance to meet. After class, I get to chat her up a bit and I learn that she is from the U.S. (from boston) - here for a semester and then returning to the U.S.. After a few random dances with other women, I ask her if she would like to move to the other room to dance some bachata - she didn't know how to but was happy to learn it from me (the main room was salsa, the smaller room had bachata music). From that point onward we danced exclusivley with each other. I'm talking for a time period of over an hour at least (as I lost track of time). I made sure several times if she wants to continue and every time she said yes. At a certain point there was also kizomba songs. We systematically got closer to each other and by that point I was crushing big time Lovestruck.

Though a setback happened when we finished a song and I felt something was off so I asked her if she is comfortable and if everything is ok. She told that that dance was a bit uncomfortable for her.... I didn't notice that I got carried away with the physical clossness a bit that time Headsmack . But I didn't panick and I deeply apologized. That was a smart move - she thanked me for bringing it up, noticing it and apologizing. I thanked her for being so kind about it at all - so I guess no harm, no foul.

After a while I just couldn't help it anymore and asked her if she would like to meetup outside of the dancefloor too. She said that she doesn't want to because she is leaving the country in just a few weeks. But she was more than happy to keep dancing. I was obviously let down (Frustrated to all hell on the inside), she caught it and kind of laughed about it, making me feel a bit better about it overall. She even told me that it's ok if I now want to go "towards greener pastures" and that she won't be offended by it. But the honest to god truth was that I just wanted to continue dancing with her - I felt VERY comfortable around her and I just didn't want it to end so I told her "nonsense" and so we continued to dance together for at least another 20 minutes before I had to leave.
We exchanged numbers because she told me that she "would absolutley love to dance with me again" and that I should talk with her when I'm in the area again.



This interaction made a few things clearer to me when it gets to the characteristics of how I tend to develop crushes:

1. She was American, from the U.S. and for some bizzare reason - I have a general weakness to american women... I don't know why. I feel automatically more comfortable speaking English than my native language (Hebrew) when it comes to romance. American women, from my experience tend to be MUCH more stranger friendly than other women which allows me to open up to them quicker. I also just love the accent - what can I say I'm odd like that :-p

2. I was alone there that night - by that I mean that I didn't really know ANYONE there, I was 100% free to do whatever the heck I wanted to. This takes off a huge amount of pressure from me - when I'm with friends, I feel pressurized to not create lengthy conversations or interactions with women, because I don't want to be a bad friend and abandon my friends just because I have the hots for someone. I feel that that is a douchy and disrespectful behavior towards my friends.

3. While I tend to suck at first at verbal communication, I tend to open up VERY quickly when I feel a good physical interaction of some sort - hence why I love dancing so much. There was great physical chemestry when we danced - it was addicting, the sensation of it. So I now know that I am a very touchy/feely kind of person and I need to realize that and adapt myself accordingly. Also - next time - try and keep myself in check so I won't "lose myself" like I did with her and possibly cross a line like I did.... which is now eating me away because the last thing I want to do to a woman I'm dancing with her is make her feel uncomfortable....... Embarassed Headsmack Embarassed  Headsmack

So that's the end of this rant. I just wanted to get some feedback from you all as to what can you suggest that could help me in general, considering these behavorial patterns of mine.
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Post by Prajnaparamita on Fri May 15, 2015 4:35 pm

Gman wrote: I also just love the accent - what can I say I'm odd like that :-p

YESSSSSSS I've actually never heard this from guys before, but it's really sweet to know that at least some people have a thing for American accents. The only response I've ever gotten to being an American living overseas (as a teenager) was "Uhhh... You sound like all the people on tv...?" So I always assumed that no one thought that American accents were exotic and sexy, because you just hear them so much.

Anyways... to your actual point, I don't have all that much to say, but Gman, from reading all that you've written about interactions in the past, it seems to be like you're the kind of person who really gets swept up in the moment when you find your flow and outside of that flow you find interactions with women much more difficult. Which is really great, having that flow that you can tap into and be confident and flirtatious, but it also sounds like a downfall as well, because you get into your flow and it's all about your feelings and your growing crush and you unintentionally end up stepping on the toes (metaphorically) of your partner because you're not reading them, just acting from within yourself. I'm thinking of what you wrote about that dance conference you went to, when you ended up making out with the woman even after you knew you shouldn't and regretted it later. It seems like interactions where you get caught up in your flow and don't read the other person are becoming something of a pattern, if I'm getting the picture here.

This doesn't make you a bad person in any way, you don't want to be pushing people's boundaries, and you clearly feel bad and want to make things right when you have, but something to be mindful of. I don't really know what I'm talking about here, but I think what you need is to work on cultivating more mindfulness and self awareness in these situations. Is there some way that you could take the positive aspects of the flow--the confidence and energy--and channel them without letting them take over? Like try to conjure up in yourself the feelings of a really great dance, when you just feel on fire and super great about yourself in other situations outside of dance, and see if you can be that confident character without him totally overwhelming you--might be a fake it 'till you make it sort of thing, but you're clearly capable of it at least sometimes. Also, just being a little bit more mindful might go a long way. If you've come to notice that this is something of a pattern for you, do you think it would be possible to stop yourself every so often when you do feel yourself getting into that headspace and remind yourself that when you are having a great time dancing sometimes you unintentionally end up ignoring the signals from the other person, and take a moment to check on their body language and do a read of the situation? I think it's really great that you've found that dancing can bring out this confident, flirty side of yourself where you aren't shy around women, it just sounds like it needs a little bit of tweaking to work even better!

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Post by Gman on Fri May 15, 2015 5:50 pm

Just wanted to quickly correct you Praj on something - that whole dance conference thing - we didn't "make out". It was a quick kissing attempt that got shut down... I just wanted to make that very clear, as writing "making out" make it seem like something WAY more advanced than what actually happened in reality.

As for what you wrote - I don't know. I guess that can help, being more mindful, but I see it as a double edged blade. Because when I'm more mindful, I tend to get WAY more insecure about myself (thoughts like "she'll probably think I'm a total creep so I shouldn't do X or Y" etc...) and thus I don't attempt to progress things with women when that happens. On the other hand - being more into this internal energy of mine has proven some limited success so far - I'm talking about the 2 most recent dates that I had, both of them had physical flirting and passionate kissing in them. So clearly, I must be doing SOMETHING right in these situations. Also, if you remember, the date that I had with the religous woman - we kissed before I even showed her a few basic dancing steps, so I am capable of mustering this energy without the dancing, though this is still quite rare.

The way I see things - I think that the current way of things is the right one for me, at least for now. Just allowing myself to be just a tad more into my internal energy like that, is in the end worth the risks. Though I guess then I should at least try and be more mindful next time. But to be honest what bothers me more than that - is the fact that I allowed myself to be like this when I didn't feel like someone I know might judge me for my behavior, when I didn't really know anyone else and thus wasn't really afraid of what they might think about me. In short - I didn't have a mindset of needing "external validation", which to be honest feels like something that I REALLY need to tackle. I can't allow being afraid of what others might "think" about my actions - a lot of times this holds me back big time, even when my friends are the ones that go "you should go and talk to that woman over there".

Another thing that bothers me about this - is that I'm afraid this will cause me to have many more "false positive" moments like these, that even IF she is possibly interested back, general incompatibilities like in the latest example or otherwise, won't appear on my radar until I'm already deep into crush mode - thus needlesly hurting me (and possibly the other side too) in the process Sad
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