Re: [Adv] Going to a small party tonight

[The Wisp]

First, thank you all for the positive support! You all are great

jcorozza, I think you're right that I'd do better in more structured settings. I'll have to keep that in mind for the future.

As far as the "alien observer" state (great way to describe it, Eliza!) I agree that it is fine in itself, I just felt like I was in that state the whole two hours and that that was hindering my ability to enjoy myself and connect with new people. My main social goal right now is to figure out how meet people in ways that are both relatively congenial to my personality and that open up the possibility of connecting with people as potential friends, sexual partners, or dates. So I felt a little disappointed that I was in a state where that didn't seem possible.

But, enail, you are right that maybe I'll gradually get to know some of these people if I run into them again. And maybe I'm being unrealistic to expect quick connections. It did seem there were subgroups where the people were mostly interacting with others in the subgroup, who not-coincidentally were the people they showed up with. The "zany" guy I mentioned earlier, for instance, knew nobody except A, and though he was a high energy and outgoing guy, even he was pretty quiet in the larger group setting.

It is nice to know that people generally view somebody like that as good company, at least.

It sounds like this might not be a way of interacting with people you'd want to do constantly, though. I think it might be helpful for you to think about how often you'd want to have this kind of social interaction. Never again? Once a year, if your presence made a friend happy? A couple times a year? Every month? Every week? I'm at a few times a year, so no pressure to think you should want to do this think often. I just think it's good to think about it in the context of friendship. There are ways to be The Friend Who Can Never Come to Parties and ways to be the Friend Who's an Introvert But a Good Guest.

Yeah, I'm not sure I would want to attend such events regularly. I think right now I'm probably at 2-4 times a year for these sorts of things. Of course I may be tempted to go to another sooner than that (which I'm not sure is that likely) if it seems like it will have a different flow to it just to experiment with these sorts of events.

[The Wisp]

So, A is having another party at his place tomorrow, and I'm going. It seems like a similar deal as last time, though there may be a few more people. It seems like there will be some of the same people from the last party, though I'm pretty sure there will be newer people as well. I'm not sure H will be there again, and I'm positive the zany guy I mentioned won't be there (he was staying with A from out of state at the time), and those were the two people besides A there who I liked the most.

To be honest, I'm not super enthusiastic about going, not that I'm actively repulsed or dreading it either (though I do feel slight anxiety around it). I suppose the reasons I'm going are twofold: one, I haven't done much socializing since that party (well, except for sometimes talking to my brother's friend who is staying with us for the summer to take a summer class), and I tend to notice that my mood tends to sour if I live this way too long (e.g. my generalized anxiety acts up, I feel more lethargic, etc.); two, I know that if I want to pursue my goals of making more friends and finding a sexual partner, I'm going to have to actually meet and interact with more people.

I actually talked about this with my new therapist yesterday, and one of the things he told me was to essentially to stop overthinking things, focus on what's going on around me rather than my emotions or body language, to not worry about using cliche small talk to start interactions (the ones we talked about: how do you know A?, where are you from?, [observation about recent weather event], what's your major?), and to focus more on asking questions and reflecting the other person to avoid putting pressure on myself (putting pressure on myself to speak up more ironically probably leads me to talking even less). Hopefully, doing those things will help me avoid being in that paralyzed observing state I was in last time for the whole event.

So, my gameplan is simple: My goal is that I want to initiate small talk with one or two people besides A. It doesn't matter if they reciprocate or not, or whether it leads to any super interesting conversations or not. I just want to initiate. Additionally, I'm only committing to myself to staying for 1.5 hours. After 1.5 hours are up, I will let myself leave at any time without feeling guilty or like I wimped out.

[PintsizeBro]

I think your plan is good. An hour and a half is about the right amount of time to figure out if you're going to be able to get into the swing of things and enjoy the rest of the party or not, without looking like you're really leaving early if you decide not to stay.

[reboot]

I think your plan is good. An hour and a half is about the right amount of time to figure out if you're going to be able to get into the swing of things and enjoy the rest of the party or not, without looking like you're really leaving early if you decide not to stay.

Cosigned. This is a great plan. Your therapist's advice is also good, but do not sweat it if you cannot implement some or even any of it at this party. The things he is suggesting take some practice because you kind of have to retrain your brain.

[The Wisp]

Thanks for the reassurance guys

I was really nervous before the party, which manifested as weakness and feeling detached, but I pulled out of that feeling and went in anyway.

The party was actually much better than last time. There were only 4-5 of the same people from the last time (though the same number total), and the whole vibe was much better. It was more low key (I think, in large part, that was due to the absence of the loudest and rowdiest person from the last party). I didn't exactly initiate any one-on-one conversations per se because the flow of the party didn't seem to leave much room for that, but I did talk a lot more than last time and felt like an equal participant in things. The party was more of a low-key group game night than a traditional party, which is why there wasn't much room for one-on-one conversation. We played Cards Against Humanity again, which was awesome, and we also played a group game called goldfish.

There was minimal drinking. Three of the people did go off to smoke pot, but they hid out in a separate room, and when they briefly came out weren't disruptive or annoying.

I also stayed the whole time, which ended up being 3.5 hours, and didn't feel drained at all. I barely noticed that 1.5 hours had passed.

I think following my therapist's advice and focusing my mental energy more on what was happening and less on my body language and emotions really helped.

So, a positive experience overall!

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