Playing Dating on Hard Mode {DISC}

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Post by Jayce on Tue May 26, 2015 9:04 pm

If you know you are playing dating on expert difficulty, and that would not likely change any time soon, what would you do? I know I'm definitely playing on hard mode in my life, I've been rejected by everyone I asked, I've never been on a date or have done anything romantic at all ever, including kissing, holding hands etc...

The first thing I could add is: patience. This is probably going to take a while. Weeks, months, maybe even years. Continually reminding yourself that you're single, a virgin, undateable isn't going to help- cause chances are you're going to be saying that to yourself for quite a while. You're just going to have to cope with the frustration that things aren't happening at all. You have to realise and remind yourself that your playing on hard mode. Make a decision about your interest in dating in the long run- is this something that you're willing to work on if this is going to take years of hard work and effort to have a chance to succeed?

What are some other things you can add, exclusively to help people who find this really hard and will probably continue to find this hard for a really long time?

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Post by The Wisp on Tue May 26, 2015 9:12 pm

I would say a big thing is acceptance that some things are harder for certain people, and that how much you want or need something doesn't have as much correlation with how easy it is for you to get that thing as we would like. I also think it is important to accept that sometimes you will feel frustrated or sad that dating is harder for you, and that that is okay and it will likely pass (and if you find it to be persistent and all-consuming, to find help).

I think another important thing is to have enough humility to recognize that you don't know for certain if the difficulty level will change or when it will change. You may be fairly certain that it won't change for a long time, and you may have good reason to feel that way, but you should leave open the possibility that that can change, or else you might miss it if it does change.

ETA: And one more, I think, is to recognize the ways things are harder for you and to honor those, but to also avoid becoming fatalistic about it, or defining yourself too much as a victim because of it.
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Post by Guest on Tue May 26, 2015 11:37 pm

Oh lawd.

Dating for me is like playing on Halo's torturous and unofficial game difficulty LASO (Legendary, All Skulls On). Yeah, I can play it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna succeed right away, matter of fact I will get shot down (easily might I add) while they dodge my best jokes and each failure means restarting from Mission Start. Razz

But you know what? I'm gonna do it again and every time I'm gonna do it a little differently until I get it down. ;D

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Post by WJMorris3 on Wed May 27, 2015 12:05 am

I'd say I'm playing on hard mode, but that seems like an understatement to me.

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Post by gaboz on Wed May 27, 2015 7:48 am

The Mikey wrote:Oh lawd.

Dating for me is like playing on Halo's torturous and unofficial game difficulty LASO (Legendary, All Skulls On). Yeah, I can play it, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna succeed right away, matter of fact I will get shot down (easily might I add) while they dodge my best jokes and each failure means restarting from Mission Start. Razz

But you know what? I'm gonna do it again and every time I'm gonna do it a little differently until I get it down. ;D

well said.

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Post by waxingjaney on Wed May 27, 2015 8:32 am

I'm playing Zork with a mislabeled Dvorak keyboard.
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Post by Guest on Wed May 27, 2015 8:47 am

My love life is basically that one scene in Toy Story 3 on repeat.

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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed May 27, 2015 12:15 pm

Different people are good at different things. I'm willing to bet most of you guys picked up math pretty quickly in school. But there were plenty of kids in your classes who worked much harder than you did and still weren't as good at math as you.

In dating, the tables are turned. You have to work harder than those who have an easier time of things, and you might not ever be as good as you'd like to be. But with patience and hard work you will improve, and while you might not be as good as you'd like, you can get good enough to succeed.

Failure is discouraging. Rejection is painful. It's okay to be sad.

Remember that this isn't math. In math, there's usually one right way to do a problem and one right answer. Maybe two. In dating, there are as many wrong ways as there are people, and sometimes there are no right answers.

The somewhat grimmer prospect is that you're actually not playing on hard mode (being gay or transgender? that's hard mode). You're frustrated because playing on normal mode is still hard.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 27, 2015 8:46 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:Remember that this isn't math. In math, there's usually one right way to do a problem and one right answer. Maybe two. In dating, there are as many wrong ways as there are people, and sometimes there are no right answers.

I remember talking about this with my sister a little while ago.

The fact there are no solid answers sucks the fun right out of social interaction. I get why that is and I'm not about to say 'everyone must act this way so all interaction is formulaic' but the sheer amount of variables social interaction requires almost makes me have a conniption.

I was never good at math either, honestly. Laughing But at least there was a right and a wrong answer for the most part. Finding that was fun, even if I'm pretty terrible at it. Computing is similar, but I'm actually proficient with computers.  

Dating, relationships, social interaction? It's like flying blind in an F22. Everything is moving too fast and touching the controls is either going get you killed or eject you from the cockpit. Getting better bit by bit feels like it only helps so much when you're already strapped in that cockpit and expected to perform without killing yourself.

/mini-rant

But, for on-topic purposes, my suggestion which runs in parallel to some already made is to try your best not to compare yourself to others outside of this 'some people find different things easy / difficult' framing. Getting worked up over people doing better than you in relationships isn't worth the trouble most of the time, because unless you can effectively channel that frustration into determination to better yourself, you're simply going to wallow in self-pity. That's not going to help you and it's not a state worth being in if you can learn to avoid it.

This is, uh, a do as I say, not as I do suggestion! Razz

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Post by reboot on Wed May 27, 2015 9:41 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:...The somewhat grimmer prospect is that you're actually not playing on hard mode (being gay or transgender? that's hard mode). You're frustrated because playing on normal mode is still hard.

True that, although I would add that some posters here are playing on a mode almost as hard as trans or gay. Playing when asexual, with mental health issues, with ASD, while disabled etc is definitely a difficulty level above cis, het, allosexual, no mental/physical health concerns, NT, etc.

Not that it is easy for anyone. Even those who from the outside seem to have an easier time of it often struggle. It just tends to only be known by the individual and those that they trust enough to share their problems with.
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Post by nearly_takuan on Wed May 27, 2015 11:03 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:Different people are good at different things. I'm willing to bet most of you guys picked up math pretty quickly in school. But there were plenty of kids in your classes who worked much harder than you did and still weren't as good at math as you.

In dating, the tables are turned. You have to work harder than those who have an easier time of things, and you might not ever be as good as you'd like to be. But with patience and hard work you will improve, and while you might not be as good as you'd like, you can get good enough to succeed.

Failure is discouraging. Rejection is painful. It's okay to be sad.

Remember that this isn't math. In math, there's usually one right way to do a problem and one right answer. Maybe two. In dating, there are as many wrong ways as there are people, and sometimes there are no right answers.

I get that it's not supposed to be a perfect metaphor, but...in maths, even if there may be only one true conclusion to an idea, there are often many, many, many valid ways to get there. An intuitive leap works sometimes, but so does careful planning and attention to detail. And if I do happen upon something that my peers haven't seen yet, it's a simple enough matter to write it down and then it works for them, too.

I hate calculus. I'm ambivalent toward modeling. Yet of course I can perform calculus and draft good models; liking or disliking had nothing to do with it. Further, being "bad" at maths does not prevent anyone from using a computer, driving a car, or playing a board game—when even a few people are "good" at maths, all benefit. These days, you don't even really need to understand a math problem to solve it. You can just get someone to tell you, "do it like this," and if they know what they're doing then the algorithm works for you too. Better still, you can load up a stored program to do it for you—usually for free. Like I said, I find modeling boring, so even though I can do my taxes on my own, I still just use TurboTax.

But even supposing you did want to learn some higher maths, you wouldn't need any amount of raw talent if you had sufficient perseverance. Maths is patterns, and all anyone needs to do is look at them long enough.

tl;dr: maths for dating skills is a trade I'd gladly make. The consequences of being bad at math are practically nonexistent.




ETA: I'd also call being able to do a thing "having it easy" relative to being...not able to do that thing. Enail is perambulating on hard mode.
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 28, 2015 5:59 am

tl;dr: maths for dating skills is a trade I'd gladly make. The consequences of being bad at math are practically nonexistent.

That's definitely true. But you never know what others might think of you. Sometimes people envy you for things you don't even value because you think they're "worthless".

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Post by Guest on Thu May 28, 2015 9:40 am

Andrew Corvero wrote:But you never know what others might think of you.

Boring. That kind of warm n' fuzzy logic loses it's novelty with time and experience.

Jayce wrote:What are some other things you can add, exclusively to help people who find this really hard and will probably continue to find this hard for a really long time?

1) Don't offer the "There's someone for everyone" nonsense. It's pointless and rude.

2) Your efforts to 'help' said people may be in vain. So, consider that the kindest thing you can do is to just leave them be.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 28, 2015 10:20 am

HermitTheToad wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:But you never know what others might think of you.

Boring. That kind of warm n' fuzzy logic loses it's novelty with time and experience.

Cynicism is kind of boring as well. And it's not "warm and fuzzy logic" per se, it's more of "you never really know if others are as happy as you think they are".

There are some things that can be compared: level of income, for example, or academic degrees, or even, yes, dating success.

But when you try to compare happiness and see what could cause it, everything is a crapshoot.

There are people who are poor, uneducated, alone and happy.

And there are people who are rich, smart, surrounded by lovers and admirers and sad enough that they kill themselves or they become addicted to drugs, alcohol and other things to soothe the pain. Think about all those actors who seemed to have it all (good looks, money, fame, charisma) and ended up dead or in rehab.

Don't you think that those people who seem to have it all but suffer inside envy people who don't have to deal with their issues, at least a little bit?

The only person that you really know for certain, on a deeply intimate level, is yourself. So you can either keep comparing yourself to others that you think have it easier at dating and keep telling yourself how unfair this is, or you can focus on improving your dating life and your life in general and do not care about others' success or lack thereof at dating.

Which one of these approaches is going to make you happier?

And no, I don't think that complaining about your lack of success at dating can be compared with people who criticize, say, income inequality or inequality of rights.

Because after all dating isn't a commodity. Money is: if a very rich person donates a huge part of his money to plenty of poor people he can make them less poor. Rights are also a commodity (sort of): laws can be changed to give people the chance to have equal rights to marry, have access to education, to transport, to health care, to the voting system, etc.

But what can someone who's very successful at dating give you, other than maybe some advice (if they're even aware of why they're so successful)?

Sure, we can argue that maybe free dating lessons should be a part of school curricula, but at the time they're not and no person who is successful at dating can change that, as far as I know.


Last edited by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 28, 2015 11:13 am; edited 1 time in total

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Post by reboot on Thu May 28, 2015 10:31 am

HermitTheToad wrote:
Andrew Corvero wrote:But you never know what others might think of you.

Boring. That kind of warm n' fuzzy logic loses it's novelty with time and experience.

Jayce wrote:What are some other things you can add, exclusively to help people who find this really hard and will probably continue to find this hard for a really long time?

1) Don't offer the "There's someone for everyone" nonsense. It's pointless and rude.

2) Your efforts to 'help' said people may be in vain. So, consider that the kindest thing you can do is to just leave them be.

MOD

Hermit, dial back on personally attacking people for giving advice you do not agree with. If you do not wish for advice or do not like the advice you find in a thread, move to another thread.

/MOD
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Post by nearly_takuan on Thu May 28, 2015 12:09 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:That's definitely true. But you never know what others might think of you. Sometimes people envy you for things you don't even value because you think they're "worthless".
Andrew Corvero wrote:Cynicism is kind of boring as well. And it's not "warm and fuzzy logic" per se, it's more of "you never really know if others are as happy as you think they are".

Maybe it's just me, but I don't find other people's misery to be of any help. ...Unless you're saying that since happiness itself is rare and difficult, everything's hopeless and we should all just give up? 'Cause that would fit what you've said so far, but then again, it doesn't match at all with the disposition you present, so I don't know what to make of this.

Andrew Corvero wrote:And there are people who are rich, smart, surrounded by lovers and admirers and sad enough that they kill themselves or they become addicted to drugs, alcohol and other things to soothe the pain. Think about all those actors who seemed to have it all (good looks, money, fame, charisma) and ended up dead or in rehab.

Don't you think that those people who seem to have it all but suffer inside envy people who don't have to deal with their issues, at least a little bit?

Seems to me what they don't have is trust in the authenticity of their relationships. Probably at least a few of them actually don't have any authentic relationships. When all the people you love might only "love" you for the fame and money, I don't imagine that's a much different feeling from not being loved at all. So, surprise! They're unhappy about the same things that make anyone else unhappy.

Andrew Corvero wrote:Because after all dating isn't a commodity. Money is: if a very rich person donates a huge part of his money to plenty of poor people he can make them less poor. Rights are also a commodity (sort of): laws can be changed to give people the chance to have equal rights to marry, have access to education, to transport, to health care, to the voting system, etc.

But what can someone who's very successful at dating give you, other than maybe some advice (if they're even aware of why they're so successful)?

Pretty sure I said the same thing here, just less cheerfully.
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Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 28, 2015 12:46 pm

Maybe it's just me, but I don't find other people's misery to be of any help. ...Unless you're saying that since happiness itself is rare and difficult, everything's hopeless and we should all just give up? 'Cause that would fit what you've said so far, but then again, it doesn't match at all with the disposition you present, so I don't know what to make of this.

I don't think that other people's misery is of any help other than to help me understand that there's no such thing as "living life on easy mode" and so any time I find something hard I just say to myself "it's true, life is hard, so complaining about it at length isn't helping me, and I'd better take chances and known that if I win I win everything and i fail I lose nothing".

Also, I agree with you that happiness is rare and difficult, but when it comes it's also incredibly rewarding. So no, you shouldn't give up. You should fight knowing that everyone has it hard in some ways and we're all struggling to find happiness.

We all live on hard mode. Life is hard. And this is why when you win all your victories, as small as they are, you should savor them. Never underestimate your successes, because since life is so hard even a success that seems small to you is actually great.

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Post by PintsizeBro on Thu May 28, 2015 1:04 pm

reboot wrote:
PintsizeBro wrote:...The somewhat grimmer prospect is that you're actually not playing on hard mode (being gay or transgender? that's hard mode). You're frustrated because playing on normal mode is still hard.

True that, although I would add that some posters here are playing on a mode almost as hard as trans or gay. Playing when asexual, with mental health issues, with ASD, while disabled etc is definitely a difficulty level above cis, het, allosexual, no mental/physical health concerns, NT, etc.

Not that it is easy for anyone. Even those who from the outside seem to have an easier time of it often struggle. It just tends to only be known by the individual and those that they trust enough to share their problems with.

Oh, certainly not to suggest that gay and trans people are the only ones who are playing on hard mode, or to suggest that everyone on the board is on easy mode. Similar to what you said, I don't think there really is an easy mode for dating. Just normal mode, which is plenty hard, but some people make it look easy to an outside observer.

Asexual, I think, falls into the same general category as gay - a minority sexual orientation. Sexual minorities will always be on hard mode even if they have no other difficulties, because the nature of sexual minorities means most people will be incompatible out of the gate. Even if anti-gay prejudice is eliminated, a straight person is by definition not attracted to people of the same sex, and most people are straight. In the case of being ace, they can date another ace person, or they can make compromises in a relationship with an allosexual person (either the ace person has sex, the allosexual person forgoes sex, or they have a non-monogamous relationship). So their dating pool is similarly reduced.

As to dating with health concerns... I don't really think about dating with mental illness, which may sound kind of odd. At this point, I'm so used to living with mental illness, that's what "normal" is for me. But yeah, not everyone's at the same place I am with regards to that.

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Post by reboot on Thu May 28, 2015 1:15 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:

As to dating with health concerns... I don't really think about dating with mental illness, which may sound kind of odd. At this point, I'm so used to living with mental illness, that's what "normal" is for me. But yeah, not everyone's at the same place I am with regards to that.

Or has a less "manageable" issue. Someone with, say, schizophrenia is definitely dating on a harder mode than I am with "just" depression and PTSD due to stigma and the pretty brutal side effects from medication.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Thu May 28, 2015 2:20 pm

As in the rest of life, so it is in dating. Life is Nintendo Hard, and there's no Konami Code. Then you get other difficulties stacked on top.

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Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu May 28, 2015 2:38 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:As in the rest of life, so it is in dating. Life is Nintendo Hard, and there's no Konami Code. Then you get other difficulties stacked on top.

And you can't even go back to where you saved the last time!

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Post by PintsizeBro on Thu May 28, 2015 2:40 pm

If only save points were a thing.

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Post by eselle28 on Thu May 28, 2015 7:40 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:If only save points were a thing.

No going back and rerolling your character, either. Though maybe that's a good thing, because if my RPG habits are any indication, I'd probably still be messing around with quests like Learning to Crawl and Solid Food is Yummy.
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Post by Guest on Thu May 28, 2015 8:32 pm

eselle28 wrote:
No going back and rerolling your character, either. Though maybe that's a good thing, because if my RPG habits are any indication, I'd probably still be messing around with quests like Learning to Crawl and Solid Food is Yummy.

Those would be the most adowable quests ever. :3

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Post by Guest on Fri May 29, 2015 5:34 am

Andrew Corvero wrote:
tl;dr: maths for dating skills is a trade I'd gladly make. The consequences of being bad at math are practically nonexistent.

That's definitely true. But you never know what others might think of you.

Sure I do. I've had a coworker tell me the only reason the company keeps me around is so that everybody else has somebody to laugh at, and two others say they need to start a spreadsheet so they have an up-to-date log of all the stupid shit I say. I've had a professional tell me I need to realize that socially I'm 20 years behind and I'll never catch up. I've had a crisis hotline tell me that the life I described simply wasn't worth living and that it's probably too late for me to do much to change it. I've had a psychiatric nurse quite literally laugh in my face when they found out I had no friends and had never had a girlfriend. I had my mother screaming at me day and night for years about how much she hated me and wished I was dead.

Frankly, I'd be much better off not knowing.

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