Glides Has Girl Trouble...again

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Glides Has Girl Trouble...again Empty Glides Has Girl Trouble...again

Post by Guest on Wed May 27, 2015 9:09 am

Hey there, it's...me.

So I have a problem. It's very early in the morning. I haven't gotten any sleep.

That's not the problem, I'm in film school, I'm used to that by now.

So around 2:30 in the morning, I get a call from a girl that I know. I'm about to say something out of character.

This girl likes me. Legit likes me. I think.

Anyway, we haven't ever gotten together or even considered it because she was dating someone else (who hates my guts, kinda because I...well I beat the shit out of him once).

Maybe every few weeks or so, they have a massively violent breakup. This has happened several times over the last several months. He's cheated on her repeatedly, he's a douchenozzle (actually why I beat the shit out of him), he's a literal neo-Nazi, that fucker is more or less my archnemesis beyond the fact that we've been fighting for ages over a chick.

During these breaks is when she suddenly begins to flirt viciously with me, entirely to get back at him, insinuating that the next time we saw each other, sexual things would be happening. I've remained pretty neutral regarding the flirting, more or less "hey, if it happens, it happens." She's definitely someone I'd want to sleep with, she is a genuinely attractive person.

Now, beyond that, we get along strangely well, on a strangely intimate level. Someone as fucked up as me is not capable of love, but I suppose whatever I feel for her is as close to it as I can get.

For reference, same chick I almost had a chance with a couple years back who I scared off. We reconnected.

Like I said, it's almost baffling that I have the kind of chemistry with her that I don't have with literally any other woman. I get strangely confident when I'm talking to her (haven't seen her in months), I can actually feel the tension through the phone, it's highly intoxicating stuff. I can see why people enjoy it.

What I'm feeling strange about is the fact that I was called at 2:30 this morning by her, who immediately expressed a desire to kill herself. Which isn't exactly new, but she hasn't actually felt like this in a long time. The last time we dealt with this, I literally called the police on her...who promptly hung up on me.

Yes, cops are assholes, you heard it here first. They literally hung up on me. Fuck them.

Luckily, she hadn't done anything that time, it was a desperate plea for help. Last night was the same, she was having a panic attack.

That's the other way we've gotten so close, the fact that she's the only other person I know who has talked openly with me about depression. By all means she shouldn't be feeling that way logically, she's beautiful, wicked smart (4.2 GPA, I kid you the fuck not), very dark sense of humor...like I said, I've been gaga over this chick for ages.

And because of this, we've gotten really close, like I said. But the sheer fact that she's having panic attacks over the phone (another breakup, this time she was called a stupid whore by the boyfriend) makes me suspect that if I pursued her now, she'd only go with it just to feel validated and to get back at her ex, not to mention they could easily get back together tomorrow like they tend to do. It seems unethical to try and manipulate things. I'm not even sure if she's capable of any relationship that's intimate right now. Should I discuss this with her? Should I go for it? I have no idea what to do now that an actual opportunity with someone I genuinely care about has appeared, albeit someone currently in a precarious mental state thanks to a gaslighting skinhead assfuck of an ex.

I'm beating him senseless again next time I see him.

She also doesn't know that I'm a virgin, but judging from how she's talked about the ex (I was the one she went to for sex advice, because he's horrible in bed), I have a very low bar to go past. The sexual experiences she's had are so collectively terrible (most of it rape, which is why I'm so cautious about being sexual with her) that it more or less surpasses my own horrible experiences with it (mostly nonconsensual).

I dunno what to do about her, guys. No question that I'm unbelievably attracted to her, that I've been pining after her for years now. I only dated that coworker because she looked like a blonde version of Dreamboat, I kid you not. It's shallow, but true.

But like I said, she has been through a ton of shit, much more than I have. She was hospitalized thanks to a suicide attempt (I'm much better at that than she is), she's been abused most of her life (typical for a pretty girl in the Deep South, unfortunately), she makes my shit look like paradise. But like I said, I genuinely do feel something for her, and if anything was to happen between us (fingers crossed), I'd want it to be a good experience for her.

I dunno, I'm sleep deprived and I'm rambling again. I just don't know what to do about this. Chances are slim that anything is happening, and that's not even the main goal here (I'd be lying if I said it wasn't on my mind). Main goal is for her to be OK, and for me to help somehow. But since she's a romantic interest (typing those words in relation to myself is so goddamn foreign), that's why it's here. Very unfamiliar territory, and this whole time she thinks I know what I'm doing. I don't. I've been hiding my virginity from her the entire time I've known her, same story I tell everyone else. Was that desperate for her approval.

Anyway, yeah. Amazing girl goes through shit, Glides doesn't know what to do. Help.

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Glides Has Girl Trouble...again Empty Re: Glides Has Girl Trouble...again

Post by reboot on Wed May 27, 2015 9:53 am

1. Do not assault anyone. It may feel good in the moment but makes things very complicated. I know this from my wilder, more feral days.

2. Right now straight up tell her, "I am here for you. What do you need me to do?" Let her vent on the ex, but keep your opinion of him to yourself. Captain Awkward has some good scripts for supporting a friend through a break upwithba toxic ex. Read them

3. I agree that now is not the time to make a romantic move. It could play out the way you said or she could channel her rage at Ber ex towards you because she feels that you are taking advantage of her when she is vulnerable. Both scenarios are no good.
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Post by Enail on Wed May 27, 2015 11:52 am

I second everything that Reboot says. Given her situation with her ex and everything else that she's dealing with, pursuing her romantically now would most likely turn out pretty badly for both you and her, and it sounds like you know that. It might be good to prepare for the possibility that she may hit on you directly, and have an answer ready that will allow you to turn her down kindly and respectfully. If she does, I think it's okay to be honest about your feelings and just say you don't feel comfortable going beyond a platonic relationship with her while everything's so complicated.

Another reason not to beat the ex up is that it sounds like she needs a friend she can talk to safely. And if she's struggling to detach from him and has a lot of mixed feelings about him (which sounds likely, given that it's abusive and that she's broken up with him so many times), it might be really hard for her to feel and express negative feelings about him without feeling guilty or jumping back to defending him. If you assault him, then she might feel like that's her fault and it's not okay for her to talk about it with you. You're a part of her life that's separate from the abusive ex; don't tangle yourself up with him.

Be supportive, but be sure to stay aware of the stress on you and don't be afraid to set boundaries on what you can handle - it won't help her for you to burn yourself out trying to help her, and it could damage your friendship.
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Post by PintsizeBro on Wed May 27, 2015 11:57 am

Thirding what reboot suggests. Beating him up will make you feel better, but it won't solve any of the problems that are happening right now. And if she goes back to him, she'll remember you as the guy who beat up her boyfriend, not the guy who had her back.

Your sexual experience or lack thereof is not relevant here. She's in no position to be getting into another relationship right now. She needs kindness, understanding and support.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed May 27, 2015 1:22 pm

Considering someone your rival, the fear of someone falling for you for the wrong reasons, the notion of carrying around a dark secret: it's troper vision. It's forcing one's life into a dramatic narrative, so try to ask yourself every time your thoughts are verging towards an extreme whether or not you're basing it on overhead life experiences or media you've consumed. It helps in mellowing down dark thoughts.

Another thing: you can see she is troubled as the others have pointed out, but this does not deny her agency. Flirting with you and the like isn't a case of nearest warm/attention-giving body, but because of genuine qualities you possess. On the other hand, if you're correct in attributing toxic motives to her actions(getting back at an ex and the like), this person will be specifically bad for you. Be careful you don't sacrifice your own mental well-being to help her, and don't be afraid to depend your boundaries, as it's a good testing scenario of how she reacts. Is she trying to use her baggage as leverage to get past them? Cut her off.

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Post by Guest on Wed May 27, 2015 1:32 pm

Glides wrote:For reference, same chick I almost had a chance with a couple years back who I scared off. We reconnected.

I would urge you to think really carefully about whether you're in a place where you can be the support-friend this woman needs.

It sounds like she's in a fragile place. It sounds like someone you have romantic feelings towards. She is turning to you now, and you're not clear about her motives. We've seen you talk about some really hurtful things you've said and done towards people who hurt you.

If you try to support her, and are getting romantic signals, and she ends up meeting and getting together with someone you strongly disapprove of for her, are you going to be able to keep from lashing out at her? Because if the answer is not, "Definitely, 100%, yes, I will be able to not-lash-out," then you need to be upfront that you're not in a place that's going to let you help her, because doing otherwise could do harm to someone who, by your description, is right on the edge and is not strong enough to take that blow.

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Post by Guest on Fri May 29, 2015 4:13 am

Well Eliza was partially right, because that exact scenario happened and I actually did the mature thing for once.

I'm about to, anyway.

She found a new guy two days after the breakup. I keep forgetting how easy this is for some people. And I didn't lash out, I was good. I realized she had no real attraction for me, that it was all too good to be true, that I was an emotional surrogate and meant nothing to her. So the only safe option for someone in her mental state is to cut her the fuck out of my life so my jealousy doesn't poison our relationship.

I'm very jealous. I'll admit that. And I can't go through that again. Not really sure how to tell her without completely pissing her off though. But there's honestly no point talking to her if all she's going to do is bitch and complain. I'm not a shrink.

Besides, I can't help her, I'm done stressing out about her, she's on her own. I'm probably going to claim to be busy whenever she wants to talk and cry, and then she will forget about me. Better than lashing out.

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Post by gaboz on Fri May 29, 2015 4:35 am

Glides wrote:I'm very jealous. I'll admit that. And I can't go through that again. Not really sure how to tell her without completely pissing her off though. But there's honestly no point talking to her if all she's going to do is bitch and complain. I'm not a shrink.

Besides, I can't help her, I'm done stressing out about her, she's on her own. I'm probably going to claim to be busy whenever she wants to talk and cry, and then she will forget about me. Better than lashing out.

You are going to piss her off, no matter what. But what i do see Glides is that you made some reasonable decisions with this girl and i can only applaud that.
Only one thing; tell her the truth when she needs to talk and cry. No need to lie, she is going to understand that one way or the other.

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Post by Enail on Fri May 29, 2015 11:50 am

Good for you for handling it maturely.

I think it's a good idea to pull back. I don't think that means you have to completely avoid her though, unless that feels better for you or you don't think you'll be able to talk to her without lashing out.  

If you do want to stay connected, set some boundaries on what you're willing to be a listener for and how much. I'd definitely suggest that you be upfront (but not mean) that you're not okay with listening to her boyfriend/ex troubles anymore, whether you want to tell her that it's because you have feelings for her or not. If you want a mid-ground path with her, you could see if it works to be more of a 'let's do something fun and get your mind off your troubles' friend with a little distance than a 'listen to your troubles' friend.

In terms of things in your own head, it doesn't sound like it's the case that she didn't have any attraction to you so much as it wasn't an attraction that worked with what she felt she needs right now (I'd guess she wanted to date someone right away and not necessarily with too much emotional engagement or commitment, which doesn't seem like it would have suited the relationship you have with her). I'd take her flirting as a compliment, but the fact that she's dating someone else instead as a good thing for you... but I know that doesn't make it not hurt :\
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Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:49 pm

ElizaJane wrote:
Glides wrote:For reference, same chick I almost had a chance with a couple years back who I scared off. We reconnected.

I would urge you to think really carefully about whether you're in a place where you can be the support-friend this woman needs.

It sounds like she's in a fragile place.  It sounds like someone you have romantic feelings towards.  She is turning to you now, and you're not clear about her motives.  We've seen you talk about some really hurtful things you've said and done towards people who hurt you.

If you try to support her, and are getting romantic signals, and she ends up meeting and getting together with someone you strongly disapprove of for her, are you going to be able to keep from lashing out at her?  Because if the answer is not, "Definitely, 100%, yes, I will be able to not-lash-out," then you need to be upfront that you're not in a place that's going to let you help her, because doing otherwise could do harm to someone who, by your description, is right on the edge and is not strong enough to take that blow.

I'm really not, because this exact scenario played out, which led to that happy little post on Health you're all so fond of.

Basically she started bragging about some guy she started hooking up with and how talented he was sexually, and I completely lost my shit.

Jealousy and envy completely consumed me and I went off on a suicidal rant which I somehow made seem unrelated to the fact that she was bragging about another man sexually. So naturally, she got really pissed off at me.

So you were right, Eliza, I'm nowhere near the support-friend she needs. I am a deeply insecure and jealous man, and I don't know how I'll ever stop being those things, how I'll ever be capable of a normal adult relationship with people. I'm not. I'm broken, and you know it.

Luckily for me, there was toxicity on both ends, the resulting argument had her threatening to kill herself if I broke off contact with her completely like I wanted to, so at least I'm not the only bad person in the room. She's terrible too. The entire relationship washed down a drain by our own toxicity. Good fucking riddance. Whatever.

In fact, I think this whole scenario justifies why I should die.

God I wish I was James Deen or Casanova or whatever the fuck it takes to get the jerkbrain out of my fucking skull for good.

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Post by Enail on Thu Jun 04, 2015 3:33 pm

<mod>Glides, talking about something justifying why you should die violates the guidelines and mod request. As per our warning, we're giving you a 24 hour ban for this.

To be clear, we don't want to get rid of you, no one is mad at you, and you are very much welcome back after the ban is up.

And if you're not clear what's okay and what's not on this subject, please ask me or other mods for more details, alright? </mod>
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Post by Guest on Tue Jun 09, 2015 2:33 am

Been trying to mend things. Hasn't been going well. Really fucked up this time.

Getting people to forgive you when you don't deserve it really sucks. Especially when you're in love with them.

I hate being in love. Except now it's one-sided. Fuck me and my stupid mouth.

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