Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

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Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Fri May 29, 2015 12:21 pm

[DISCLAIMER: This happened while I was depressed and ultimately forced myself to go out, so I might not entirely objective in assessing other people's feelings]

I've not at my best lately, for a long list of reasons. Anyway I decided to force myself to go out and have fun.

It worked well in the beginning. I was out, putting on my best smile and clothes, chatting with everyone.

I met this woman, flirted with her, gave her my name, she added me and messages me on Facebook and we've had a fun evening of chatting, joking about everything, sharing funny stories etc. She asked me my phone number, I gave to her and we chatted some more by messages until 2 am in the morning. We agreed to meet for lunch with some other friends and co-workers.

And then at lunch she turned out to be extremely cold and apathetic. Her friends and mine were joking and having fun, and I was getting in the mood, but she no longer laughed at my jokes, kept rolling her eyes, and in general acted cold and distant for no reason (at least from my point of view).

So basically I started doubting myself. Did I do something wrong? Was I too forward in asking her to come to a friendly lunch? Was my effort to be cheerful a little too much, and was she annoyed by it? Or is she simply having some trouble of her own which aren't my fault?

I was left really disappointed because she seemed were cheerful and happy while we were messaging. She was the one adding me on Facebook, she was the one asking me my phone number, and she seemed to be eager to see each other again (at a friendly meeting, not a date for now).

I'm trying very hard not to blame myself for this, because with my depression lurking there's really no need to feel guilty, but I can't help but wonder...

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Re: Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

Post by reboot on Fri May 29, 2015 12:30 pm

You could have or someone else was getting on her nerves or she is also having a bad spell and forced herself to go out but her heart was not in it or some sort of shit storm went down at work but she did not want to cancel last minute but was REALLY not in the mood to be there.

If I were in your shoes, I might send a, "Hey, are you OK? You seemed a little out of sorts at lunch" message
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Re: Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Fri May 29, 2015 12:34 pm

reboot wrote:You could have or someone else was getting on her nerves or she is also having a bad spell and forced herself to go out but her heart was not in it or some sort of shit storm went down at work but she did not want to cancel last minute but was REALLY not in the mood to be there.

If I were in your shoes, I might send a, "Hey, are you OK? You seemed a little out of sorts at lunch" message

I wanted to but I didn't want to bother her some more if it was, indeed, me.

I will do it now and see what happens.

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"People don't just change who they are in an instant. It takes time, so you don't even know you're changing. Until one day you'll just a little bit different than you used to be and you can't even tell what the hell happened" (Rich Burlew)

"You shouldn't take advice from random strangers on the Internet too seriously" said the random stranger on the Internet.
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Re: Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

Post by reboot on Fri May 29, 2015 12:59 pm

Andrew Corvero wrote:
reboot wrote:You could have or someone else was getting on her nerves or she is also having a bad spell and forced herself to go out but her heart was not in it or some sort of shit storm went down at work but she did not want to cancel last minute but was REALLY not in the mood to be there.

If I were in your shoes, I might send a, "Hey, are you OK? You seemed a little out of sorts at lunch" message

I wanted to but I didn't want to bother her some more if it was, indeed, me.

I will do it now and see what happens.

Even if it is you, that is an OK thing to say to someone with whom you have built a rapport. It is probably the only way to find out and apologize (if apologies are in order).

If this was your first in person meeting, it might not be advised, but a second meeting with communication in between? Totally fine and shows you are perceptive
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Re: Cheerful and fun in the messages, cold and apathetic in person (is it my fault?)

Post by Andrew Corvero on Fri May 29, 2015 11:36 pm

It turns out that she heard something about the "big argument of the day" about my father and she was a bit pissed at me for brushing off a question she asked me in a rude manner.

I didn't notice I was so rude, and I apologized to her, but what is happening is really getting on my nerves. I'll start another thread about it.

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