I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

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I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 12:35 am

Or at least, attempting to rid myself of that mindset because who knows what the fuck else will finally crack that nut called Everything That Is Wrong With Me.

It's why I haven't applied to any new jobs or internships, why I've been refusing any and all requests for favors, seriously pissing some people off. Why I plan on standing up a friend for a lunch date tomorrow. Why I've deliberately missed two doctors' appointments. Why I've stopped seeing my therapist with no explanation. Why I didn't study for any of my finals, why I am unable to put any effort into anything besides eating and sleeping and basic hygiene.

I can't.

I'm developing this strange pathological need to make everything as deliberately miserable for myself as possible. I must have nothing good, no kind of happiness whatsoever. I literally catch myself laughing or smiling and slap myself hard. I am not worthy of either, my subconscious mind is too strong to argue with.

Hell, whenever I start thinking there's anything positive about myself, I stare at myself naked in the mirror for a few seconds. That usually reminds me. Met a cute girl at a social gathering? One look at old Freddy Krueger should be enough to know why making a move on her would never work.

That other girl texts you, clearly wanting to flirt? Well you just send a bunch of neutral and cold responses, eventually pissing her off. Because flirting is too good for you.

No more friends. No more positives. No more social interaction. Just isolation. You and yourself are the only ones you're good enough for. You and your filth, that's all you get. You get your money's worth. You don't deserve happiness. You are filth, you are foul, and you must always be reminded of how foul you are, there can't be a single moment of any day in which you forget and believe yourself to be anything else. You are lower than the tiniest little bacteria, more insignificant. You can't delude yourself into thinking you deserve the same air as a human being. That you're even close to being a human being. You are, in a word, subhuman. Most can't see it, unfortunately. The only ones who do are those who get close enough.

And since they will not give you what you deserve, give it to yourself. Do their job for them and punish yourself for breathing. You've taken lots of breaths, perfectly good air that could have been better served for anyone else, actual human beings, not filth. Not waste. Not even manure or compost, those can be used to create new life, but you are poison and parasite, you do not create, you only maim and sicken. Look at yourself. That's no human being staring back. That's human filth, that's human waste, that's an abortion that should've happened. Your mother should've had any other child.

You try so hard to choose the best option, to hurt the least, because you cannot do anything else. The nicest thing you can do for any other human being is hurt them, that's all you know how to do. So you choose to treat them coldly and rudely, try to make them hate you, because you know as long as they stay away from you and curse your name, you're keeping them safe from you. What a sad existence you have when that's the nicest thing you can do for anyone.

You're not meant to be loved or cared about by any of them, you ugly little worm. You are not designed for it, you are designed to starve and shrivel and hide away from them, allowing them to live the lives of happiness they deserve. Who are you to take that away from them by breathing their air? Don't you want to be good, worm?




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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by BasedBuzzed on Thu Jun 04, 2015 1:19 am

By that logic, ostentatious self-flagellation is too good for you. The worst way to punish and hurt yourself would be to try and keep getting out from this rut and allowing yourself to experience joys and signs of improvement before having them come crashing down, wouldn't it? Or would it be getting everything you want and still not being happy? I mean, if you see it as your duty to maximize your own suffering, you have to be sure to have tried all venues.

Not that depressive moods follow any internal consistency or that clever phrasing will logic-bomb self-destructive trains of thoughts, but perhaps it'll help in some way or other.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 1:51 am

I have severe self-hatred issues. How the fuck do I even begin to like myself at this point? Hell, looking at what I just wrote is nauseating.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Caffeinated on Thu Jun 04, 2015 7:13 am

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but it's what occurred to me as I sat here reading this at four in the morning: maybe don't take your emotional temperature every minute of the day. It sounds like you're so focused on "how am I feeling" and "how should I be feeling" that you lose sight of everything else. Our culture places an enormous emphasis on individual happiness, but that's not the only thing that can be important. What if you ignored the question of happiness for a while and instead tried some other emphasis, like duty? You could look at any situation and ask if you're doing your duty in that situation (as a student, are you going to class and doing the work; as an employee, are you doing the work; as a driver, are you obeying the law and not driving impaired; etc). All the while that you're looking at dutifulness, let the question of happiness just sit on the sidelines for a while. It's like it's a scab and you keep picking it before it can heal over properly, so maybe concentrating on doing something else for a while could help with that.
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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Enail on Thu Jun 04, 2015 12:20 pm

I'm not sure happy is something one deserves or doesn't deserve. It's an emotion, it's something your body and mind do or don't do depending on how external stimulus reacts with what's going on inside you. Doesn't it seem kind of weird to think of that as something you have to deserve? Plants don't deserve photosynthesis, it just happens when they have the right circumstances. Even if you believe in a higher power that grants happiness as a reward for goodness, presumably they're perfectly capable of withholding that happiness if you don't deserve it, without your help.

I like Caffeinated's suggestion a lot. You can't force yourself to like yourself by constantly obsessing over how you feel about yourself, so find something more productive to focus on and leave your feelings about yourself alone.
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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 12:27 pm

Caffeinated definitely is the VIP of this thread. Focusing on being happy is a vicious circle. You're not happy, so you're upset about being happy, so you're even less happy, which makes you sadder, and so on.

I wonder what would happen if you moved from a "am I happy today?" mindset to a "can I make anyone else happy today?" mindset.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 1:47 pm

ElizaJane wrote:Caffeinated definitely is the VIP of this thread.  Focusing on being happy is a vicious circle.  You're not happy, so you're upset about being happy, so you're even less happy, which makes you sadder, and so on.

I wonder what would happen if you moved from a "am I happy today?" mindset to a "can I make anyone else happy today?" mindset.

I'd be the type of asshole to give out soup at a homeless shelter and get annoyed that I'd have to spend so long giving out soup.

In all honesty, I highly doubt I could make anyone else happy. I don't make anyone else happy.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:07 pm

Glides wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:Caffeinated definitely is the VIP of this thread.  Focusing on being happy is a vicious circle.  You're not happy, so you're upset about being happy, so you're even less happy, which makes you sadder, and so on.

I wonder what would happen if you moved from a "am I happy today?" mindset to a "can I make anyone else happy today?" mindset.

I'd be the type of asshole to give out soup at a homeless shelter and get annoyed that I'd have to spend so long giving out soup.

In all honesty, I highly doubt I could make anyone else happy. I don't make anyone else happy.

Well, I'm not talking about anything as intense as giving out soup at the homeless shelter. I'm talking about things like stopping to let someone pull in ahead of you at an intersection when the road is crowded, or holding the door for someone coming up behind you, or telling someone, "I really admire how you XYZ." I don't spend time every day volunteering, but I do things like ask the grill guy in the cafeteria how his workout regimen is going, compliment my officemate on her calm and people skills after a tough conference call, let people go ahead of me in lines, and things like that. Sometimes I make cookies for people, or pies. I do them because they make other people happy, and I like making people happy.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Guest on Thu Jun 04, 2015 2:44 pm

ElizaJane wrote:

Well, I'm not talking about anything as intense as giving out soup at the homeless shelter.  I'm talking about things like stopping to let someone pull in ahead of you at an intersection when the road is crowded, or holding the door for someone coming up behind you, or telling someone, "I really admire how you XYZ."  I don't spend time every day volunteering, but I do things like ask the grill guy in the cafeteria how his workout regimen is going, compliment my officemate on her calm and people skills after a tough conference call, let people go ahead of me in lines, and things like that.  Sometimes I make cookies for people, or pies.  I do them because they make other people happy, and I like making people happy.

I've more or less isolated myself socially, so there's no real opportunities to do that anymore. I've basically lost all of my acquaintances.

It's a Catch 22 regarding my life.

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Re: I Don't Deserve To Be Happy

Post by Andrew Corvero on Thu Jun 04, 2015 3:33 pm

Glides wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:Caffeinated definitely is the VIP of this thread.  Focusing on being happy is a vicious circle.  You're not happy, so you're upset about being happy, so you're even less happy, which makes you sadder, and so on.

I wonder what would happen if you moved from a "am I happy today?" mindset to a "can I make anyone else happy today?" mindset.

I'd be the type of asshole to give out soup at a homeless shelter and get annoyed that I'd have to spend so long giving out soup.

In all honesty, I highly doubt I could make anyone else happy. I don't make anyone else happy.

Maybe you'd feel annoyed about spending time there, but you'd still spend time doing a job for others.

Others would benefit of your job even you weren't happy about it.

If you saved someone from drowning, would you think that they would be less happy to be alive because it was you who saved them?

Do you some kind of magic powers that radiate unhappiness all over the world?

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