Waiting for someone to text, call, hang out, etc. also, I am going Machiavellian. ADV and Opinions desperately needed.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 2:26 pm

I just heard that my unit is had a party to celebrate AT, unfortunately I missed it, no one told me about it. I heard that during the party, some people would ask "Where's Irizarry (me)? How come he did not show up?"

ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ASK FOR ME IF I NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKING PARTY!!! :shout: :shout: :shout:

This really, really, REALLY pisses me off. These people see me as a friend, but they never call me, text me, ask me to hang out with them, etc.

Every time I ask a friend to hang out, they ALWAYS make up shitty excuses: "I'm at work" "I'm sick" "I am my moms place for dinner" or worse they don't pick up at all!!! :grrr: :grrr: :grrr:

I am sick and tired of these excuses, I am tired of people ditching me, I am tired of staying alone, I am not gonna put up with this shit any longer!!

I used to help others out, putting their needs before my own, now I will make them kiss my boots, even if I have to be an asshole to do it.

I am going high Mach! like it or not! Cool

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:11 pm

Alex1989 wrote:I just heard that my unit is had a party to celebrate AT, unfortunately I missed it, no one told me about it. I heard that during the party, some people would ask "Where's Irizarry (me)? How come he did not show up?"

ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU ASK FOR ME IF I NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE MOTHERFUCKING PARTY!!! :shout: :shout: :shout:

This really, really, REALLY pisses me off. These people see me as a friend, but they never call me, text me, ask me to hang out with them, etc.

Every time I ask a friend to hang out, they ALWAYS make up shitty excuses: "I'm at work" "I'm sick" "I am my moms place for dinner" or worse they don't pick up at all!!! :grrr: :grrr: :grrr:

I am sick and tired of these excuses, I am tired of people ditching me, I am tired of staying alone, I am not gonna put up with this shit any longer!!

I used to help others out, putting their needs before my own, now I will make them kiss my boots, even if I have to be an asshole to do it.

I am going high Mach! like it or not! Cool

I guess a lack of response from somebody kind of proves my point.

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Post by Enail on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:35 pm

Alex, I'm going to say something that you might find hurtful; please know that I'm saying it because I think that it will help you in the long run, not because I want to hurt you, and remember that I want you to find happiness.

I know you're feeling upset, but you need to chill. It's been 45 minutes since you made your first post, and you're already following up with a response that is essentially a guilt trip and blame - you're saying that the fact that no one responded in less than an hour means that we've proved that people are selfish and no one cares about you and you'd do better to be an asshole. That's... a lot of pressure to put on some people who hang out on a forum in their spare time and sometimes try to give advice.

The members of this forum aren't here every moment of the day. This isn't their job. They have other things they need to do and other things occupying their minds and their own worries. Sometimes they intend to answer but need some time to think about what to say. Sometimes they've got something upsetting going on in their own lives and don't have the energy to respond. Sometimes they've gone out for the day. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or that they don't want to help, it just means that their lives don't revolve around you no matter how much they want to help, and it's not fair to expect them to.

Sometimes, when you talk about things that your friends have done that hurt you, it sounds like you're jumping to similar conclusions, that if they do something that makes you unhappy, if they forget to invite you to something, or if they're not meeting a need you have, that must mean that they're terrible people who never cared about you to begin with.

I know you've got a lot of pain around feeling neglected and uncared for, but when you react with so much anger and blame every time you feel hurt that way, it makes it hard for people to engage with you in a way that's healthy for them. And I know you're scared of being abused by people you care about, and I think it's important to watch for that, but at the same time, no one is perfect, and that means sometimes people land up hurting or disappointing the people they care about. I think it would help you form healthy friendships if you could try and find a balance, remember that people make mistakes and that different people operate in different ways and might not always do things in a way that feels caring to you even if their intentions are good. It's okay that you feel hurt, but sometimes you need to let your initial feelings of hurt and anger sit and fade a little before you can evaluate the situation in perspective and figure out what's really harmful behavior on their parts, what's something you need to ask them to do differently, what's a reasonable thing to expect for a particular relationship and the situation in question.

Do you see what I mean at all? I hope I haven't been too hurtful, because I don't want to hurt you, Alex.
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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:36 pm

I'm sorry that happened to you, Alex.

I think the lack of responses is more that people struggle with how to respond when you declare your intent to do something many people might consider to be negative and then ask for advice and opinions. If you're looking for someone to talk you out of this mindset, I don't know that it's a fair expectation to have of other forum members. Some may want to, on days when they have the energy for it, but there are people who are kind and who care about you who aren't always going to be up for that. If you're looking for someone to agree with this particular opinion, that's actually against forum rules.

Do you think this is maybe a time you need to take a step back from the forums?
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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:43 pm

As one of (probably several) people who read and didn't respond to this, I'm going to ask my default question in this scenario: what do you want me to say in response to this?

You're clearly in pain, and I'm sorry for that.

But over several posts, the message that I've gotten is that when people offer sympathy, you want advice, and when you're given advice, you get upset about it.

In your last post, you said outright that you didn't and wouldn't trust any of the women on this site, and I am just not at all sure what to say or do in response to all of this. I think you need someone to talk to, but I worry sometimes that the warm and comforting and responses we give on this site are dissuading people from getting the help they really need -- help from a professional, who can guide you through your issues and help you find peace on a deeper level, not just an immediate band-aid for your arterial wounds.

I don't answer because I don't think there's anything I can personally do to make it better.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:57 pm

Enail wrote:Alex, I'm going to say something that you might find hurtful; please know that I'm saying it because I think that it will help you in the long run, not because I want to hurt you, and remember that I want you to find happiness.

I know you're feeling upset, but you need to chill. It's been 45 minutes since you made your first post, and you're already following up with a response that is essentially a guilt trip and blame - you're saying that the fact that no one responded in less than an hour means that we've proved that people are selfish and no one cares about you and you'd do better to be an asshole. That's... a lot of pressure to put on some people who hang out on a forum in their spare time and sometimes try to give advice.

The members of this forum aren't here every moment of the day. This isn't their job. They have other things they need to do and other things occupying their minds and their own worries. Sometimes they intend to answer but need some time to think about what to say. Sometimes they've got something upsetting going on in their own lives and don't have the energy to respond. Sometimes they've gone out for the day. That doesn't mean they don't care about you or that they don't want to help, it just means that their lives don't revolve around you no matter how much they want to help, and it's not fair to expect them to.

Sometimes, when you talk about things that your friends have done that hurt you, it sounds like you're jumping to similar conclusions, that if they do something that makes you unhappy, if they forget to invite you to something, or if they're not meeting a need you have, that must mean that they're terrible people who never cared about you to begin with.

I know you've got a lot of pain around feeling neglected and uncared for, but when you react with so much anger and blame every time you feel hurt that way, it makes it hard for people to engage with you in a way that's healthy for them. And I know you're scared of being abused by people you care about, and I think it's important to watch for that, but at the same time, no one is perfect, and that means sometimes people land up hurting or disappointing the people they care about. I think it would help you form healthy friendships if you could try and find a balance, remember that people make mistakes and that different people operate in different ways and might not always do things in a way that feels caring to you even if their intentions are good. It's okay that you feel hurt, but sometimes you need to let your initial feelings of hurt and anger sit and fade a little before you can evaluate the situation in perspective and figure out what's really harmful behavior on their parts, what's something you need to ask them to do differently, what's a reasonable thing to expect for a particular relationship and the situation in question.

Do you see what I mean at all? I hope I haven't been too hurtful, because I don't want to hurt you, Alex.

..... Sad

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:58 pm

eselle28 wrote:I'm sorry that happened to you, Alex.

I think the lack of responses is more that people struggle with how to respond when you declare your intent to do something many people might consider to be negative and then ask for advice and opinions. If you're looking for someone to talk you out of this mindset, I don't know that it's a fair expectation to have of other forum members. Some may want to, on days when they have the energy for it, but there are people who are kind and who care about you who aren't always going to be up for that. If you're looking for someone to agree with this particular opinion, that's actually against forum rules.

Do you think this is maybe a time you need to take a step back from the forums?

For good? Sad

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:59 pm

ElizaJane wrote:As one of (probably several) people who read and didn't respond to this, I'm going to ask my default question in this scenario: what do you want me to say in response to this?

You're clearly in pain, and I'm sorry for that.

But over several posts, the message that I've gotten is that when people offer sympathy, you want advice, and when you're given advice, you get upset about it.

In your last post, you said outright that you didn't and wouldn't trust any of the women on this site, and I am just not at all sure what to say or do in response to all of this.  I think you need someone to talk to, but I worry sometimes that the warm and comforting and responses we give on this site are dissuading people from getting the help they really need -- help from a professional, who can guide you through your issues and help you find peace on a deeper level, not just an immediate band-aid for your arterial wounds.

I don't answer because I don't think there's anything I can personally do to make it better.

I meant any women at all...

I don't need someone to talk to, I need someone to give me what my mother never gave me: a warm embrace... Sad


Last edited by Alex1989 on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jun 12, 2015 3:59 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
eselle28 wrote:I'm sorry that happened to you, Alex.

I think the lack of responses is more that people struggle with how to respond when you declare your intent to do something many people might consider to be negative and then ask for advice and opinions. If you're looking for someone to talk you out of this mindset, I don't know that it's a fair expectation to have of other forum members. Some may want to, on days when they have the energy for it, but there are people who are kind and who care about you who aren't always going to be up for that. If you're looking for someone to agree with this particular opinion, that's actually against forum rules.

Do you think this is maybe a time you need to take a step back from the forums?

For good? Sad

No, there's nothing in that question that suggested you take a permanent step back. I was thinking of a temporary one. It seems like you're very upset right now, and I think you might be able to participate in the forums in a more constructive way if you take a breath and start again when you're feeling a little better.
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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:22 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:In your last post, you said outright that you didn't and wouldn't trust any of the women on this site, and I am just not at all sure what to say or do in response to all of this.  I think you need someone to talk to, but I worry sometimes that the warm and comforting and responses we give on this site are dissuading people from getting the help they really need -- help from a professional, who can guide you through your issues and help you find peace on a deeper level, not just an immediate band-aid for your arterial wounds.

I meant any women at all...

I don't need someone to talk to, I need someone to give me what my mother never gave me: a warm embrace...

I understand that, but... that includes me. I'm a woman. If you don't and won't trust me, then what can I possibly do or say that's going to make a positive difference for you?

People here have been doing their best to give you the internet equivalent of that warm hug. There is literally nothing more than any of us can do, no matter how much we want to make it better. We've given what we're capable of giving, and it isn't what you need. I don't want this to read as "go away," because it's not what I mean, but if you're hungry, shopping at the electronics store is never going to be enough for you, even if the staff is super-helpful. You need a grocery store.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:28 pm

ElizaJane wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
ElizaJane wrote:In your last post, you said outright that you didn't and wouldn't trust any of the women on this site, and I am just not at all sure what to say or do in response to all of this.  I think you need someone to talk to, but I worry sometimes that the warm and comforting and responses we give on this site are dissuading people from getting the help they really need -- help from a professional, who can guide you through your issues and help you find peace on a deeper level, not just an immediate band-aid for your arterial wounds.

I meant any women at all...

I don't need someone to talk to, I need someone to give me what my mother never gave me: a warm embrace...

I understand that, but... that includes me.  I'm a woman.  If you don't and won't trust me, then what can I possibly do or say that's going to make a positive difference for you?

People here have been doing their best to give you the internet equivalent of that warm hug.  There is literally nothing more than any of us can do, no matter how much we want to make it better.  We've given what we're capable of giving, and it isn't what you need.  I don't want this to read as "go away," because it's not what I mean, but if you're hungry, shopping at the electronics store is never going to be enough for you, even if the staff is super-helpful.  You need a grocery store.

Tell me that I am not alone, that everything that will be ok, just tell me that I matter... is that too much to ask?

P.S. Where can I find that "grocery store" if I keep finding "electronics stores" everywhere I turn? Sad

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:35 pm

You matter, Alex, but people can't tell you everything will be okay, and I'm skeptical whether you'd believe them if they did.

<mod>ElizaJane has already said that the advice she's comfortable giving you is to seek professional help for some of your issues. You've also both confirmed that you do not trust her because she is a woman. Given both those things, I think it's unreasonable to ask her specifically for advice.</mod>
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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:39 pm

You're not alone. You matter.

Those are absolute, incontrovertible fact. There are millions of other people out there who struggle, who long for connection, just like you do.

The fact that you exist changes the world. Every person has an impact on thousands of other people -- you can decide whether your impact is good or bad, but I promise you, if you were not here, the world would be different. You matter. You have an impact.

I can't tell you that everything will be okay, though. I hope it will, and I think it CAN be -- I believe that everyone has a chance to come through okay. But I know that some people don't, and I know that some of that is chance, and some of it is choice. I want it to be okay. But I don't know that I can promise that it will be.

As to where to look... if you haven't before, and you have access, I suggest calling a suicide hotline, even if you're not feeling immediately suicidal, or something like http://www.remedylive.com/.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:40 pm

eselle28 wrote:<mod>ElizaJane has already said that the advice she's comfortable giving you is to seek professional help for some of your issues. You've also both confirmed that you do not trust her because she is a woman. Given both those things, I think it's unreasonable to ask her specifically for advice.</mod>

Eselle, I did ask explicitly in my first post what he wanted to hear, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to put that out there.

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Jun 12, 2015 4:42 pm

ElizaJane wrote:
eselle28 wrote:<mod>ElizaJane has already said that the advice she's comfortable giving you is to seek professional help for some of your issues. You've also both confirmed that you do not trust her because she is a woman. Given both those things, I think it's unreasonable to ask her specifically for advice.</mod>

Eselle, I did ask explicitly in my first post what he wanted to hear, so I don't think it's unreasonable for him to put that out there.

Fair enough! Moderation revoked!
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Post by PintsizeBro on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:04 pm

Alex, you're not a bad guy, but you're really bitter and really angry. Like, almost all the time you post here. How do you honestly expect people to react when you make statements like you no longer trust women as a group, so every woman must work to earn your trust? Or getting angry with people who aren't free to hang out when you want to hang out. Do you think they can't tell? When I had a friend who got angry every time I turned down an invitation to hang out, I wanted to see him less, not more.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:11 pm

ElizaJane wrote:You're not alone.  You matter.

Those are absolute, incontrovertible fact.  There are millions of other people out there who struggle, who long for connection, just like you do.

The fact that you exist changes the world.  Every person has an impact on thousands of other people -- you can decide whether your impact is good or bad, but I promise you, if you were not here, the world would be different.  You matter.  You have an impact.

I can't tell you that everything will be okay, though.  I hope it will, and I think it CAN be -- I believe that everyone has a chance to come through okay.  But I know that some people don't, and I know that some of that is chance, and some of it is choice.  I want it to be okay.  But I don't know that I can promise that it will be.

As to where to look... if you haven't before, and you have access, I suggest calling a suicide hotline, even if you're not feeling immediately suicidal, or something like http://www.remedylive.com/.

This. just this.

But as I mentioned before, I would prefer to actually TALK to someone, not to an avatar on the screen, I want to feel the warmth of feeling in the voice of another human being.

The fact that I don't know if it will be ok in the long run frightens me...

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:17 pm

PintsizeBro wrote:Alex, you're not a bad guy, but you're really bitter and really angry. Like, almost all the time you post here. How do you honestly expect people to react when you make statements like you no longer trust women as a group, so every woman must work to earn your trust? Or getting angry with people who aren't free to hang out when you want to hang out. Do you think they can't tell? When I had a friend who got angry every time I turned down an invitation to hang out, I wanted to see him less, not more.

I'M AFRAID OF BEING LEFT ALONE, OKAY!! I don't want to be abandoned... Crying

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:17 pm

That's part of why I suggested calling a hotline! I thought that a human voice might help a lot, to help the other person feel more like a person, instead of words on a screen.

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Post by Enail on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:22 pm

Alex, are you still seeing a therapist? I know it's not the same as a person you have a non-professional relationship with, but maybe it would still feel good to talk to someone you can trust and be open with in person.
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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:22 pm

ElizaJane wrote:That's part of why I suggested calling a hotline!  I thought that a human voice might help a lot, to help the other person feel more like a person, instead of words on a screen.

(The link you gave me will not work, will search for alternative methods.)

What if someone finds out I'm calling a hotline? The stigma for people like me is very bad.

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:27 pm

Enail wrote:Alex, are you still seeing a therapist? I know it's not the same as a person you have a non-professional relationship with, but maybe it would still feel good to talk to someone you can trust and be open with in person.

To be honest, not anymore... The fact that a therapist is being paid to listen to my problems kind of disheartens me, like if the therapist does not care at all...

That's why I am kind of avoid therapists, I was seeing one because I was ordered to by the company medic.

I prefer someone who genuinely cares about me. not just some incompetent jackass who listens and then tells me I got Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder so he or she can dope me up.

May sound not so nice, but this is how I feel...

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Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:33 pm

Besides, seeing a therapist in the military, contrary what the sergeants and officers tell me, actually HINDERS and NEGATIVELY affects my military career. I could even lose my rank (Specialist E-4).

It makes the Army and everyone around me see me as weak.

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Post by Enail on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:40 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
Enail wrote:Alex, are you still seeing a therapist? I know it's not the same as a person you have a non-professional relationship with, but maybe it would still feel good to talk to someone you can trust and be open with in person.

To be honest, not anymore... The fact that a therapist is being paid to listen to my problems kind of disheartens me, like if the therapist does not care at all...

That's why I am kind of avoid therapists, I was seeing one because I was ordered to by the company medic.

I prefer someone who genuinely cares about me. not just some person who listens and then tells me I got Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder so he or she can dope me up.

May sound not so nice, but this is how I feel...

So, I think there are things that might be worth paying a therapist for, that are not to get someone caring about you (though that doesn't mean they don't care about you). A therapist is someone you can trust to talk about your feelings and help you sort them out, they can help you process the abuse you've experienced to help move on from it, they can suggest strategies to deal with your reactions when they are overwhelming. But also, something that I think could help you a lot, they can teach you social strategies and help you figure out ways to handle your fear and pain that will make it easier for you to develop closer relationships with people.

It's stuff that the people on this forum can't do for you (which is not to say we don't want you here as well, just that that's skill and knowledge that only a professional can offer). You might have to see a few therapists before you find one that will be suitable, and I don't think they will give you a magic fix for all your problems, but I think this could be the thing that would help you the most to achieve the things you want in life.
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Waiting for someone to text, call, hang out, etc. also, I am going Machiavellian. ADV and Opinions desperately needed. Empty Re: Waiting for someone to text, call, hang out, etc. also, I am going Machiavellian. ADV and Opinions desperately needed.

Post by Guest on Fri Jun 12, 2015 5:44 pm

Enail wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
Enail wrote:Alex, are you still seeing a therapist? I know it's not the same as a person you have a non-professional relationship with, but maybe it would still feel good to talk to someone you can trust and be open with in person.

To be honest, not anymore... The fact that a therapist is being paid to listen to my problems kind of disheartens me, like if the therapist does not care at all...

That's why I am kind of avoid therapists, I was seeing one because I was ordered to by the company medic.

I prefer someone who genuinely cares about me. not just some person who listens and then tells me I got Borderline Personality Disorder or Bipolar Disorder so he or she can dope me up.

May sound not so nice, but this is how I feel...

So, I think there are things that might be worth paying a therapist for, that are not to get someone caring about you (though that doesn't mean they don't care about you). A therapist is someone you can trust to talk about your feelings and help you sort them out, they can help you process the abuse you've experienced to help move on from it, they can suggest strategies to deal with your reactions when they are overwhelming. But also, something that I think could help you a lot, they can teach you social strategies and help you figure out ways to handle your fear and pain that will make it easier for you to develop closer relationships with people.

It's stuff that the people on this forum can't do for you (which is not to say we don't want you here as well, just that that's skill and knowledge that only a professional can offer). You might have to see a few therapists before you find one that will be suitable, and I don't think they will give you a magic fix for all your problems, but I think this could be the thing that would help you the most to achieve the things you want in life.

And how long will that take? I'm not open to the idea that it will take DECADES to solve this dilemma. I prefer it takes less than 36 months.

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Waiting for someone to text, call, hang out, etc. also, I am going Machiavellian. ADV and Opinions desperately needed. Empty Re: Waiting for someone to text, call, hang out, etc. also, I am going Machiavellian. ADV and Opinions desperately needed.

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