The fear of "Too Late"

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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 3:26 pm

This is a lot of response to take in at once, but one thing really jumped at me

celette482 wrote:
It gives us control.

I've never wanted control. Being in control usually meant someone else failed to be (it drew those kinds of people too), and I had to pick up the slack and stress myself out and everything that goes along with that. Being in control is/was never-ending misery that was hard to escape from.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 3:54 pm

A complete lack of control is not a fun thing either, though.  Part of having power as an adult means that you have more ability to choose what you don't take on, too, or at least to choose the way to deal with things you do have to take on so that it isn't something that causes you misery. It comes with some stresses of responsibility, yes, but it also can give you more freedom to not have to take on  excess stress or other people's problems.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:14 pm

It kind of does, though. Bosses/work/quotas/whatever.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:21 pm

Not all jobs are equally stressful. You can make your career choices with an eye to minimizing that sort of stress. And it's something of a tradeoff, too, you might be taking on some more immediate stresses, but you'll also be reducing some of the more longterm, nebulous worries that you're dealing with right now and building up more ability to deal with problems.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:36 pm

But are you in control now? You are entirely dependent on what your family wants since you cannot self support. With work you are only under someone else's control for 8-10 hours a day. The rest of your time is self directed
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 4:46 pm

Enail wrote:Not all jobs are equally stressful. You can make your career choices with an eye to minimizing that sort of stress. And it's something of a tradeoff, too, you might be taking on some more immediate stresses, but you'll also be reducing some of the more longterm, nebulous worries that you're dealing with right now and building up more ability to deal with problems.

I've always found responsibility is stressful regardless. I've had nights where I've stayed awake all night because I knew the alarm was going to go off because I had to wake up early and do something.

Edit: Or maybe the way to put it, when I've had more responsibility or I know something's upcoming that I have to handle, I end up dreading the mornings and wondering "Oh god, what shit am I going to have to put up with today, I don't know if I can handle this stuff."


reboot wrote:But are you in control now? You are entirely dependent on what your family wants since you cannot self support. With work you are only under someone else's control for 8-10 hours a day. The rest of your time is self directed

That's kind of the point, I don't want to be in control
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:33 pm

----------------------------------------

reboot wrote:You are being a bit too literalist. For you (and 95% of the world), work is how you get money, not a calling or something you expect to wake up being excited to do. So translate interesting into "can I see myself doing this for 8-10 hours a day, 5 days a week for 5 years."

And I agree with her about talking to people, but that seems a bit premature at this point. First go back to the websites and identify some activities/jobs you are "interested in" using the definition above.

I look at things and can't see myself doing them for 8-10 hours a day. I'm not a people person, I'm not a sociable person, I don't handle responsibility and stress very well, so most of these jobs or careers just look out of reach or something no one in their right mind would ever hire me for (I sure wouldn't hire me for anything)


celette482 wrote:
1. Work that mimics what you DO like to do/ plays to your strengths- I'm never going to be the type of lawyer who puts in 100 hour weeks, because I choose not to be, but I still find the work rewarding and fulfilling because it allows me to use the part of my mind that doesn't get much exercise elsewhere. (Note: I didn't say try to monetize your interests: I think that's supremely unhelpful and is a great way to turn your interests into obligations and thereby kill your joy- signed former professional knitter.)

I like to play video games, read random subjects on the internet, and talk to people on the internet. None of those are careers :p


But, part of being an adult is accepting that responsibilities are in fact not dumb. This is where the unlimited support of your family is killing you ever so slowly.

It would've killed me more to try to survive in the world. Maybe literally.

Dumb was poor wording though. I don't mean to say that it's not important, but when it comes down to defining your life by them or taking pride in them or anything, to me they're just things you tick off on a list so that, when the list is complete, then you can do go do the things you actually want to do.


I think you should starting writing down what you think your life would be like if you were independent.

- It would be a lonely life regardless. I could see myself withdrawing from the world even more.
- I'd have to figure out how to have enough to live on my own (not a house, fuck upkeep) and be able to afford things like video games and internet and whatever. About the only thing I'm not doing now that I wouldn't mind doing is taking up swimming again.
- It'd have to be near home, because I'm probably the one taking care of my parents. Being in new and unfamiliar places is extremely stressful, so I'd avoid it if at all possible.
- It'd be routine. Same things done regularly.
- No, I wouldn't travel, no pets, no roommates

It's big and it's scary because I need stability and quiet and as little stress as possible, and responsibility and jobs and having to wake up on someone else's schedule is anything but, especially in today's world.


Last edited by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:04 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:44 pm

I could see you doing something like off hours security/maintenance or something like front desk at a self storage facility. Minimal to no interaction with people, routine tasks, few deadlines, only occasional stress but you usually have backup available to call to fix things.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 5:56 pm

Night security around here can involve bears and driving to remote locations. :p (I had a cousin who actually did this, he fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of nowhere too)


Last edited by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by eselle28 on Wed Jul 15, 2015 6:14 pm

Have you considered working part time at something that's relatively untaxing? Many people can struggle to get full time jobs even if they want them, and something part time might be a way to ease into working. Perhaps there's something you can picture yourself doing for a couple hours at a time that doesn't sound fun, but sounds less bad than alternatives?
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 7:55 pm

I could probably eventually find something in retail or a 7-Eleven or something, assuming someone would hire me.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 8:19 pm

I know that security guard jobs, especially for late shifts demand little beyond no (or atleast not excessive) criminal record and a clean drug test in the US. We have placed people who only have a primary school education ad limited English in those jobs before. Kind of boring because you just walk around and check things and/or watch security cameras all shift.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 8:35 pm

As I understand it around here, they hire a security contracting company to send security people wherever they're needed, and those security people do have to be trained or get a certificate or something. We're somewhat of a retirement community, very few things are open late or are worth needing paid security for (I don't think they even guard our banks ATMs at night), most security stuff is middle of the day patrolling parking lots and shuffling the homeless off, or out in the middle of nowhere making sure someone doesn't mess with logging or construction machinery.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:10 pm

So no warehouses that need a watch person? You all need more crime Smile

But seriously, as far as you know that is how it works, but do you know that through research or by word-of-mouth? You might want to do some fact checking. I know a certification is required here as well, but it is easy enough that my placements can do it for unarmed positions. I think it is all online and takes less than an hour.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:18 pm

My cousin worked security, that's more or less how things were described while he was there.

We don't really have heavy-duty theft around here as much as petty theft. The reason they watch construction and logging machinery too is less about stealing them or stealing parts and more about disgruntled ex-workers or someone feeling destructive deciding to wreck something expensive... and even then, you hear about it happening once in awhile so these companies aren't all hiring security to watch their stuff.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:34 pm

But would it hurt to find out more about the work, if it sounds like something you would not mind doing part time? Things could have changed from when your cousin did it or new companies might we working in the area since he/she last worked it. Things do change, so unless he/she was working in it yesterday, it might not hurt to find out what it is like now if only to rule the idea in or out.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 9:46 pm

I looked at the website of the place he worked at. It's pretty much anything that could require security is available, and they mention something about "Do you have good communication skills" or something :p
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by eselle28 on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:14 pm

Good communication skills can mean lots of things. It does not necessarily mean "good with people." I've sometimes seen it used to mean something like, "Can you actually remember to do something if I tell you to do it?" I also suspect it's sometimes used as a proxy for, "Fluent in English."

You do have good communication skills in writing, so I think it may be worth checking into whether they want someone who can hold a good conversation or someone who will be able to read the employee binder and take instructions.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:23 pm

For a job that doesn't actually call for a lot of interacting with people in the day-to-day, like security, if they're asking for good communication skills, they are probably meaning "speaks fluent English" and "can be polite and clear to a minor small-talk level".  (ETA: or what Eselle said) Job ads often exaggerate what they're looking for the same way people applying for jobs often exaggerate their skills, you've got to read between the lines a little.

You're getting bogged down in defeatism and details again. Low responsibility and low stress are high priorities for you, and possibly part-time, that's the takeaway here, and those are reasonable things to have as priorities. This is all stuff that you were going to come up with later on, so start a list of priorities, write those things down, and you've gotten a good start on another item on the to-do list.


Last edited by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:25 pm

bomaye wrote:

I think you should starting writing down what you think your life would be like if you were independent.

- It would be a lonely life regardless. I could see myself withdrawing from the world even more.
- I'd have to figure out how to have enough to live on my own (not a house, fuck upkeep) and be able to afford things like video games and internet and whatever. About the only thing I'm not doing now that I wouldn't mind doing is taking up swimming again.
- It'd have to be near home, because I'm probably the one taking care of my parents. Being in new and unfamiliar places is extremely stressful, so I'd avoid it if at all possible.
- It'd be routine. Same things done regularly.
- No, I wouldn't travel, no pets, no roommates

Are these things you want or things you think would happen?
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:29 pm

What I think would happen, knowing how I operate and what kinds of things I tend to do poorly in.

Except the parents thing, my sister gets afraid of having to make big-time medical calls if need be and is a little jumpy when it comes to handling the financial stuff, but I saw my Mom do it with my Gramma firsthand (especially when family legal troubles surfaced...) and I'm less jumpy when it has to do with that kind of thing. Also my sister has a condition that may not lend itself well to being physically able to care for aging parents.

This is all assuming they make it to an old age of course, but I'd rather not hinge any bets or life plans on the premature deaths of my parents :p
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:40 pm

I think it might be a good idea to try and come up with some idea of what a good life that is independent might look like for you. Independence will change things for you, and that can be in good ways, not only scary, stressful ones. You have enough wiggle room right now that there's no reason you have to make a plan for the future that ignores what you need to be happy.
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by bomaye on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:51 pm

I don't believe it's possible or likely
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by Enail on Wed Jul 15, 2015 10:54 pm

Okay, but given that you need to figure out something for your future either way, doesn't it make more sense to try and set yourself up for greater happiness rather than totally ignoring that aspect?
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Re: The fear of "Too Late"

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 15, 2015 11:02 pm

Maybe step back from good to "life I can be OK with" Think of some things you want and things you know you do not want.
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