Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

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Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Tue Jul 07, 2015 6:30 pm

There's no real way to keep this from being somewhat graphic, so... general trigger warning for both sex and blood.

so, I've got a physiological problem that has made PiV intercourse impossible, until a few weeks ago (yay, for being a married virgin for 9 months). But now we're able to have intercourse with me on top. It's still something of a production: I have to use a dilator first to stretch my muscles out and I have to try insertion a few times before I get comfortable. So yeah, sex... it isn't very sexy.

Then, once we're all set, I have a very short duration before I start experiencing pain again- I have been in physical therapy and I won't get discharged until this goes away, most likely. Until then.... I kinda need Mr. Celette to finish faster than he is. We actually had one time where it took long enough that all our lubrication was gone and then he literally rubbed me raw. Nothing like bleeding sores to kill the mood. Obviously that time we stopped. It was something of a setback, because I need to go through the exercise of insertion several times a week, but I can't do that when I am actively healing from an injury.

So, I guess I'm wondering if there are ways you guys know to finish faster? Maybe hand/blowjob first? Other problem, I can't use birth control because hormones are what gave me the problem in the first place, so sometimes we have to use condoms and Mr. Celette says they make him desensitized. Mr. Celette says that he's okay with stopping whenever I get uncomfortable, even if he isn't finished. But that's not really the full solution either, because I need to be working on my own mindset and calmness to get through it at all and I can't also be judging whether I can make it a few more strokes or not. (Yes, I basically dissociate during intercourse, but this is a pain management and muscle relaxing technique and I'm fully consenting ahead of time.) I'm also up for any other advice people might have about physically difficult (the pain has become much more manageable these days) or.... mechanical sex (we basically have a doctor's prescription for sex several nights a week).
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by reboundstudent on Tue Jul 07, 2015 6:57 pm

Not a guy, but hopefully can offer your lady-parts advice?

Equally graphic: I have a similar "rubbed raw" problem, plus.... okay gentlemen, really, truly, sometimes having a large dick can actually be detrimental to sexy fun times. Anyway, I've found that having me orgasm first helps with lubrication a lot. My body may work differently than yours, but the act of simulating and then finishing gave me a lot of extra, natural lube, which didn't seem to dry out as fast (plus helped relax my muscles and make penetration easier.) He can maybe help himself out while you finish, which can ease things along a little more.

I've also found that inter cutting sex with blow jobs helps. Like, a really sloppy, maybe 10-15 second blow job when you're feeling a little dry. 1) It can be a nice switch-up simulation for him, thus maybe helping him finish faster and 2) more natural lube to help you out.

Also, it..... might not be terrible to consider the pull-out method IF your cycle is fairly regular. There are certain times of the month where you're a little more barren, and where pulling out may be a not-that-unsafe option. I think right after ovulation, right before a period, is considered the "least fertile" time. That, used together with a pull-out (so you can avoid condoms and birth control) maybe once or twice a month might be okay? 

Hope this helps a little!
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by eselle28 on Tue Jul 07, 2015 7:03 pm

Not a guy, but I've dealt with lubrication and...let's call them anatomical mismatch...issues that have resulted in some of the same goals if on a much milder scale.

It sounds like you've already found the answer that I've found to be most helpful. A blowjob or a handjob (perhaps with some talking during it) beforehand are both pretty effective at this, as is any sort of foreplay, really. It might be helpful for him or for both of you to spend some time exploring what turns him on besides intercourse in general. Anything that gets him more excited is likely to make intercourse faster. It sounds like you've got your brain full at the moment already, but if he has erogenous zones other than the obvious, he might want to engage in some self-stimulation to those areas during intercourse as well.

As for mechanical sex, all I've got is the usual advice to make sure that there's something pleasurable about it for each person every time, even if that's a makeout session or a backrub. It can be trying on a night when "get it over with" is the order of the day, but it does seem to keep some of the resentment from creeping in.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds challenging.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Tue Jul 07, 2015 8:14 pm

Thanks! It has been challenging (years of no tampons is also challenging). Luckily it means Mr. Celette and I are well-versed in alternative methods of sex and quite satisfied with those. And we've long worked out the resentment issue, since, again, years of dating without sex and months of marriage on top of that. I'm always orgasming first, for the lubrication issue and because it helps with the pelvic floor relaxation.

I haven't tried stopping mid- PIV for a blow job. And I'll ask him if there are some fantasies or something that might help speed things along. honestly, engaging in some sorts of fantasies might help me relax more too.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by Conreezy on Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:14 am

Guy here. I'll echo the suggestion to have lots of oral/manual foreplay. It might just be the way my body works, but physical stimulation brings along an orgasm more quickly than situational/fantastical stimulation alone.

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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed Jul 08, 2015 5:55 am

Fapping but not finishing beforehand might help too, which is extra easy since the horizontal tango has to planned in(also can be made part of the foreplay).

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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by Hirundo Bos on Wed Jul 08, 2015 6:35 am

I'm a guy, and I've sort of trained myself to control the timing of my orgasm by... ehm, okay, masturbating with a timer besides me once in a while, where I can see it counting down. Being the nerd I am, I use a random generator to get a number between 5 and 30, and then keep at it for that amount of minutes. I try to pay attention to my body on the way. And I don't stop, even when I'm about to come, but I do slow down.

The purpose was originally to prolong rather than speed up, but the end result is that I can come at the appointed time... don't know if others can train themselves this way, but it's a suggestion at least... and in a couple-situation, I suspect the training can be even more fun?
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:18 am

Hirundo Bos, that actually might work. What I've been having to do is learn how to read myself and get back in touch with my body. I had to learn to listen to it. (my myriad of issues arose both from birth control, which causes atrophy of the vulvar vestibule... basically felt like being set on fire any time someone or something touched my inner labia, and from sexual trauma, which led to vaginismus, the involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor at attempted insertion, be it q-tip, tampon, finger, speculum, or penis). My therapy has been a mix of the therapist massaging my pelvic floor...from the inside (not sexy) and biofeedback, which is basically what you're describing.

I've spent a lot of time reintegrating my whole self, after 27 years of complete separation between Celette and Anything Sexual Celette. But whole Celette is a lot less jumpy and less inclined to shy away from any physical contact (separated Celette hated being touched from behind, even in a nonsexual context, because it led to very unpleasant memories). And I know a lot of people are separated like I was, maybe for different reasons. Mr. Celette could definitely benefit from mindfulness and getting in touch (ha) with himself, because he's so cerebral he sometimes acts like he has no sexual needs at all.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:51 am

I have a friend who really dislikes PIV for a variety of reasons but her husband values it a lot. Her workaround is to get him just on the edge of an orgasm orally/manually/combo and then start PIV for the finale. It usually ends up being rather short and has worked for them, although they do not have to do as much prep prior to penetration.

At what point do you need to use the dilator? Right before PIV? Or can the effects last a bit?
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by lonelyoffices on Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:59 am

I don't know if this has been mentioned, but a man's masturbation habits, including what he does physically and mentally to make things happen, can have a real impact on PIV sex. The more difference there is between alone time and together time, the more likely that together time may lag. May not be relevant, but it's worth considering.

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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Wed Jul 08, 2015 2:40 pm

I can leave the dilator in for a while if I have to.

As far as I know (I'm hardly policing him) he has cut down on his masturbation habits for this purpose already.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by Izmuth on Wed Jul 08, 2015 3:44 pm

Just... throwing this out there as an off-the-wall solution, because you're likely to have tried the on-the-wall solutions: if your husband is circumcised, you might want to look into foreskin restoration procedures.
Basically, the skin that's left gets stretched more and more stimulating growth of new skin.

Foreskin acts as a natural lubricant helping you, and *might* increase sensitivity to his glans so he can use condoms (I've not been able to find data that doesn't rely on self reporting, so... YMMV).

If Mr. Celette doesn't value PiV that much, he might also just try a vibrator to do the job until you're healed. No risk of pregnancy, still participation of him in your sexy time, and you still get regularly penetrated to help with your issue with something you can vary the thickness of.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Wed Jul 08, 2015 5:32 pm

He is circumcised but I know he likes himself that way (figure out why I've had that conversation, because I can't remember)

I was discharged from physical therapy today, and one of my therapist's last bits of advice is that for many women the first months of sexual activity can be uncomfortable, so this might be less my problems flaring up and more just standard issues. It's definitely not pleasurable yet (everything that happens beforehand is great, mind) and I doubt it'll every be orgasmic. Sometimes I worry that we're just turning this into "A problem that must be solved" which isn't the same thing as the fun sexytimes we were having before. a brief history: we discovered that this was an issue but didn't have a diagnosis a long time ago. mutually agreed to put all PIV on hold until marriage because my family had long history of birth control babies and the pain issue.

so we spent years having delightful mutual masturbation and oral sessions with no pressure and a great deal of silliness- we still do that first and more frequently, but then the silliness and sexiness switches off and it's for-serious time. Part of it is that I have to be more focused, part of it is that I've spent several weeks with a stranger in my vagina and that is just a dissociating thing [therapy: it's great and then it's soul-suckingly awful if you think about it too hard], and part of it is that he KNOWS it hurts and that is just killing him. but we both know it will get better over time, it's just this period that's tough. And we wanna have Celettelets, and this is the cheapest way to do that.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by reboot on Wed Jul 08, 2015 5:40 pm

It does sound like there is a lot of pressure on you as a couple to "fix" this which is a great way to make something harder and less fun. Top it off, he is in the position of knowing he is causing you pain, which might be making finishing harder since hurting someone is not sexiness making for most people.

Perhaps do not even try to have PIV for more than 5 minutes at a time and stick with the fun you know best? As you get more comfortable, increase the duration, but for now have it as a side dish. And let him know that you will signal stopping when things have gotten too uncomfortable so that he is not stressing about hurting you.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by Dan_Brodribb on Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:19 pm

I was really excited to see a thread on sex because I love talking about it and then disappointed to see everybody has already talked about the things I would have mentioned Sad

One thing that has nothing to do with sex at all that has been coming out at me over the course of your posts, Celette, is that it sounds like you're in a transitional phase both physically (ending physical therapy) but also towards the future (the possibility of having kids).

Things are a possibility now that weren't a possibility before (More frequent PIV, pregancy, etc.). And my experience with stuff like that is that even if its good change, it can feel a bit overwhelming.

Our bodies and what they can or can't do are a big part of how we see ourselves and our relationship with the world and others and so changes can feel like....I dont' know...like you're having to redefine your identity or your sexual relationship all over again as this new person.

You also mentioned having a great sex life before, but now it's for-serious time because of the focus required and such. I don't know if this is similar, but when I first started learning shibari, I had some anxiety around the same thing. Because things were good before, and now I had to concentrate and stop and think and fumble around...it felt awkward, frustrating, and self-conscious compared to what we had before. But once we got over that initial learning hump, it was so much better. We basically had a whole new color in our sexual spectrum to play with that we could integrate how we wanted when we wanted.

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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by celette482 on Wed Jul 08, 2015 7:53 pm

Actually Dan that's a really good point. Random example, I have no problem performing oral, but I *hated* experiencing it. Now I know it *might* have been because of the vulvar vestibulitis, so what was supposed to feel really good was actually quite excruciating. So I'm having to re-evaluate the things that I do and do not want to do, because it's like learning all over again. Which is exciting and fun but also scary and disconcerting, especially in the context of a relationship where the sex life was already copacetic and awesome. (but then it wasn't because there was this thing we both wanted to do-being on the same page about children- and we couldn't)
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by Izmuth on Thu Jul 09, 2015 3:34 pm

And... what about just doing PiV sex in the middle but beginning and ending with oral?

Since you know mr. Celette will not be able to finish in the time that's comfortable for you, condoms aren't really necessary (as long as he hasn't come recently before he tries penetrating you again, there might be some sperm "leaking out" otherwise), which also will help with the chafing probably.

It might remove pressure from you both knowing he doesn't have to finish.

EDIT: And of course, when you really want to have kids you can try if sex works already better after the practicing, and you still don't need condoms because you want to have kids.
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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

Post by FormerlyShyGuy on Wed Jul 22, 2015 6:53 am

On the point of condoms desensitizing for me at least on all condoms are equal for that. There are condoms designed to delay ejaculation and there are ones marketed to be as sensitive as possible.  The ones designed to be very sensitive are for me are close to the same as wearing nothing.

Sorry I am commenting on dormant thread.

celette482 hope things are going well.

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Re: Seeking sex advice, particularly from the guys [adv]

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