[vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by The Wisp on Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:53 pm

So back on topic, then.

[Hermit, I hope some of this rings true with you. If it doesn't please feel free to correct me. I want to know if I've made the wrong assumptions!]

HermitTheToad wrote:I just feel like there're more cons than pros when it comes to porn? Like how there isn't a real way to deal with 'escalation' where your threshold for arousal keeps rising (which also makes me uncomfortable as I realize that sexual attraction can often be amoral. I mean, I don't want to explore all of the dark sexual corners of the internet). Like how your mind acclimates to instant gratification?

What is wrong with escalation? It seems to be a pretty common effect. Indeed, many BDSM kinksters will have rules against doing any act that wasn't consented to beforehand, even if the partners change their mind during the act. You can control yourself and not go to "the dark corners of the internet" if that is what you want. Also, you may want to explore whether some of these things are just kinks of yours, which there is no shame in having (well, unless it's like child porn or something).

As for getting used to instant gratification, I'm not sure what you worry with that is? Unless you are generally an impatient person I wouldn't worry about this.

How ethical is it that I don't really care about these women outside my own pleasure and I grow tired of the same videos/ pictures I watch?

I wonder what, precisely, you think is wrong with this? You can derive pleasure from watching a music video without caring about the members of the band as individuals, no? What is the difference between that and porn, in your view?

Similarly, I'm not sure there's anything wrong with growing tired of the same videos/pictures. Presumably, you have limits for how much you consume of even your favorite non-pornographic media. If your worry is that you're training yourself to grow bored of real women, then I think you are making a false comparison. A pornographic movie does not change; it is exactly the same every time you watch it. Of course you'll grow bored with it! As Mel said, real women are deep and complex and you will have many reasons to have sex with them, and the sex itself will be more varied and deep and complex than any pornographic movie. It's comparing apples to oranges.

What if this attitude bleeds into my interactions with women IRL?

If by 'this attitude' you mean objectifying women and seeing them as objects of your pleasure, well I have a few things to say about that. First, that you're worrying about it makes me far less concerned that you will have any major changes in your views of or behaviors towards women. Second, because I think it needs to be said, it's okay to be attracted to real life women. It's okay to appreciate a random woman on the street that you aren't interacting with for her body. It's okay to see some women as pleasurable sexual objects, even those you interact with, as long as you don't see them as merely sexual objects. Indeed, I think people like their partners to view them as sexual objects some of the time.

How many other harmful generalizations of women have I passively internalized?

Probably none. If you are worried that you have, you can consult women you know in real about it. Also, I'm sure if you had and mentioned it here, you'd be called out on it. No need to be constantly paranoid about it.

What if I grow disinterested in hypothetical woman I've slept with?

There are many many reasons this could happen, and most don't have to do with porn. You could realize that, after the honeymoon period, you and your partner are not as compatible as it seemed earlier. You could have sex with a partner a few times and realize that you're not sexually compatible. Your partner's personality could change. Your partner could cease to be investing much energy in your sex life. You know what you do in these situations? You communicate it with your partner, and/or go to counseling if they're a long-term partner, and/or break up. These are normal things that happen to good people. It wouldn't reflect poorly on you as person.

Also, as Mel said, sexual attraction ebbs and flows in a long-term relationship, and that's okay, too.

I feel like porn doesn't exactly help with appreciating your average woman.


Nope. But do you find a reasonable number of real life women your own age attractive? If so, then don't worry about it. If you suddenly find you're only attracted to models, then you can worry.

I don't know if this is just a function of my tendency to believe in the worst Hermit I can be.

It's not that I lay the entirety of blame on porn for my insecurities. It's just that my dormant insecurities and anxieties about sex and my attraction to some women bubble to the surface once the endorphins wash out. That, and I feel pathetic on some days like I'm not supposed to masturbate.

So, first of all, there is a phenomena of feeling anxiety after orgasm is not uncommon. The same chemicals that cause you to feel tired and uninterested in sex also can make some people feel anxious or depressed for a short time. The best way to deal with it? Realize it is a chemical reaction and remind yourself of it in the moment. I've found that I've slowly eliminated post-orgasm anxiety and depression this way.

However, I think there is more going on here. I think you are feeling shame for watching porn. I think you feel shame for your sexuality as it relates to women as well. You seem to be paranoid that your sexuality will lead you to be inconsiderate and hurtful towards women, as if it must be kept on a short leash or else it is damaging.

There are a lot of negative messages about pornography in our culture. Men who watch porn are desperate, sexist, immature, objectifying, and brutish. Male sexuality is also seen as barely restrained barbarism, only desirable and safe if tightly regulated and watched, and even that might not be enough.

If you will forgive me for my bluntness, I think you are ashamed of your sexuality for those reasons. You've internalized implicit messages about male sexuality that our culture is awash in. All those concerns you listed? Those, to me, feel like ex post facto rationalizations for your shame. Some of the concerns are legitimate. Some people are negatively impacted in those ways. Yet, though I don't know you in real life, you don't strike me as the kind of man who needs to worry about these things in yourself. You strike me as an honest, thoughtful, introspective man. The shame is irrational. Fight it! I know it is hard, I struggle with similar shame, but it is worth it. (Straight) women love (straight) male sexuality, and some women will want to enjoy their sexuality and your sexuality together. They won't want you to feel ashamed. They will want you to be happy about it and revel in it with them!

And when you just need to get off alone, don't worry too much about the porn.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by SarahGryph on Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:00 pm

While I agree with the other's comments about porn and that it can be consumed and enjoyed in healthy ways...since it's bothering *you* I also have to respect that. Have you considered taking a month or two off and seeing how it goes? If it's very hard for you to step away, that might tell you useful things about why it's important yet uncomfortable for you. And whether it's hard or easy that might help you sort out your feelings without being right in the middle of them, so to speak.

It's only a thought and to be taken with a grain of salt. Your initial post sounded to me (and I could be wrong) like you're partly concerned that you feel a need for it that's only there because you're used to it; and if you're not ok with having that sense of need then I don't think there's anything wrong with stepping away for a bit to see if that helps you get a different perspective?

Like I said, I'm 100% not disagreeing with everyone challenging ideas about porn - just if what *you* want is to get some space, there's always the option to just do so for a while and see how it goes for you. Maybe view it as an experiment instead of a be-all-end-all decision?

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Lemminkainen on Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:16 pm

Back to topic:

@Hermit:

It seems like you have a fairly well-defined set of values which determine how you want to act towards women. If you're worried about how watching porn might affect your relationships with women, I would recommend turning back to the same set of values which informs your concerns and use them to watch critically. If a clip you're watching seems wrong to on a values level (depictions of nonconsensual sex do this for me--they deeply squick me out), you can stop the video, close the tab, and switch to something else. If you find that all the porn you encounter squicks you out or triggers your "WRONG" sensor, you should probably stop using it. There are ways to deal with sexual energy which won't make you feel immoral or uncomfortable.

I also think that it's worth noting that normal porn use won't put you into bad threshold-of-arousal escalation issues.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by trooper6 on Mon Oct 06, 2014 1:20 am

Some thoughts:

Try watching feminist porn or reading erotica.
Or...try separating masturbation from porn. Try masturbating without watching port but using only your fantasies and getting in touch with your own body? Give yourself some loving. Luxuriate in your own body. Enjoy yourself!

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:16 am

Lemminkainen wrote:If a clip you're watching seems wrong to on a values level (depictions of nonconsensual sex do this for me--they deeply squick me out), you can stop the video, close the tab, and switch to something else.  If you find that all the porn you encounter squicks you out or triggers your "WRONG" sensor, you should probably stop using it.  There are ways to deal with sexual energy which won't make you feel immoral or uncomfortable.

Seconding this. It also doesn't matter what it is that squicks you - if something makes you uncomfortable, get out of there. Non consensual has me running, but so does simple blow jobs, as an example of a real, 'normal' thing that just wigs me out.

It took me ages to learn this because I was infused with the 'porn is bad and makes you feel bad' mentality, yet found myself watching it and making myself physically sick with guilt.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:57 am

Thanks all, for the responses and suggestions. Trying feminist porn and/or literotica might take some getting used to and my imagination well has been dry for a long time now...

I think Mel makes an important point about desensitization and unconscious conditioning. I've seen things that at the time aroused me and yet when you engage your rational brain and look at them from a distance, they seem quite disturbing (eg. stereotypes relating to racial fetishes etc.). This is why I keep thinking about amorality and sex. Hasn't anyone thought about why some people engage in racial fetishes, bestiality, paedophilia, necrophilia etc.? Surely you can desensitize yourself to the point where your gratification takes priority over 'annoying cock-blocking' morals?

In any case, I do think I need to cut back on porn and the type of 'entertainment' I consume. They take up too much space in my life, and I wish I had more ways to deal with my anxieties.

@SarahGryph: "It's only a thought and to be taken with a grain of salt. Your initial post sounded to me (and I could be wrong) like you're partly concerned that you feel a need for it that's only there because you're used to it"

Yes, I worry that I won't be able to successfully fill the void left by my hypothetical abstinence. My past efforts at abstaining haven't lasted obviously (I'm pretty spineless). In fact I came back stronger with a particular aspect of my activities. I keep thinking about this quote from the Bible: "When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it.  Then it says, “I will return to the house I left.”  When it arrives, it finds the house swept clean and put in order.  Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there.  And the final condition of that man is worse than the first."

@TheWisp: I guess I'm just a newb when it comes to conversations of sexuality and sex in general. I come from a conservative Christian background where these topics are discouraged and taboo. My prescribed life-plan was that I'd participate in an arranged marriage once I became financially stable. Since I'm not interested in experiencing my parents' fate, I need to learn about dating culture and deal with the associated anxieties about attraction and desire, if I don't want to spend my time as a celibate. It's just a phase, I suppose...

I am concerned about my spectrum of what I'm attracted to, physically speaking. I can't afford to be picky, not with this body.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:50 am

trooper6 wrote:Some thoughts:

Try watching feminist porn or reading erotica.
Or...try separating masturbation from porn. Try masturbating without watching port but using only your fantasies and getting in touch with your own body? Give yourself some loving. Luxuriate in your own body. Enjoy yourself!

This might be just me, but apart from the improvement in how women are actually treated respectfully in those, those videos tend to make the suggestion that sex is only fun if you're unbelievably attractive. I mean, so does every other porn video ever unless it's like a fat person/virgin fetish video (there's a fetish for everything, man). But ironically, the non-feminist porn videos are so blatantly fake that it's hard to get insecure about those, even if they're misogynistic as hell.

So that's basically the trade-off: all porn that respects women will actually hire unbelievably sexy men for them with gigantic penises and make you feel even more insecure (if you're a man), or watch that sexist shit and either laugh your ass off or feel really terrible about yourself because it is sexist. Thus why I haven't watched porn with any serious sexual intent since high school. But that's another issue for another day.

HermitTheToad wrote:


@TheWisp: I guess I'm just a newb when it comes to conversations of sexuality and sex in general. I come from a conservative Christian background where these topics are discouraged and taboo. My prescribed life-plan was that I'd participate in an arranged marriage once I became financially stable. Since I'm not interested in experiencing my parents' fate, I need to learn about dating culture and deal with the associated anxieties about attraction and desire, if I don't want to spend my time as a celibate. It's just a phase, I suppose...

I am concerned about my spectrum of what I'm attracted to, physically speaking. I can't afford to be picky, not with this body.

Ah yes, that does put the Bible quote in light. I was born and raised an Orthodox Jew for the first part of my life, and while I wasn't there as long as you have simply because I'm younger than you are, the same shameful attitudes about sex were definitely there even as early as elementary school. Sex was bad and you shouldn't have it until you're married and never for pleasure, just for procreation. And protection was the work of the devil (yes, Orthodox Jews have one of those too, it's called Yetzer Hara in Hebrew, basically meaning "evil impulse").

But your anxieties sound pretty much standard for someone who was basically brainwashed as a kid. Give yourself a bit of slack in knowing that it doesn't really have anything to do with your flaws as a person. You're basically a victim of psychological trauma, it takes a while to accept.

Still better to be alone then to settle. I have settled before, it ends up making you feel worse. You're only with the other person out of desperation. Don't do that.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Enail on Mon Oct 06, 2014 12:53 pm

Glides wrote:
So that's basically the trade-off: all porn that respects women will actually hire unbelievably sexy men for them with gigantic penises and make you feel even more insecure (if you're a man)

Just gonna put this out there: lesbian porn.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:58 pm

Glides wrote:
So that's basically the trade-off: all porn that respects women will actually hire unbelievably sexy men for them with gigantic penises and make you feel even more insecure (if you're a man)

Most male porn actors aren't that ugly anyway(depending on how aesthetically pleasing you find the arcehtypes of buff gymrat, hipster nerd and well-groomed businessman).

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Dan_Brodribb on Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:31 pm

I don't see any specific problem with porn. I also think it's normal to have anxiety about sex, attraction, or desirability. I have anxieties around those things, whether I'm having sex or in a relationship or not, and from people I've talked to, you and I aren't alone.

There were a couple things in your original post I wanted to comment on:

HermitTheToad wrote:I'm not really sure if I'm looking for specific advice. I've just been feeling this way for some time now, so here goes:

I wish I didn't have to deal with my sexual feelings, because I then wouldn't need to immerse myself in porn. I can't really tell if I'm purely dealing with my libido or my conditioned cravings (I have a feeling it's the latter). Some days I wish I never found porn. At least then, I wouldn't have to deal with varying degrees of regret after I've had my 'fix'.

I'm of two minds when it comes to letting go (and when I say 'let go' I mean completely abstaining from masturbation, ever). On the one hand I don't want to let go, because doing so means that I won't be able to indulge in something that gives me relief, excitement and a sense of euphoria, to an extent. I won't have a means to take a break from the background noise that is my nervousness, anxiety and worry.

On the other hand, letting go would mean that I'd be happier. Letting go means having a chance at recovering from whatever damages I've accumulated over the years thanks to my habits. Maybe then, I could cut down on the number of times I'd have to deal with anxieties about sex, attraction and desirability.

You talked about the euphoria and excitement of masturbation/porn to give you relief from anxiety, worry, and nervousness. You talk about 'wishing you never found porn' as well as regret for using it. You also said you believe you'd be happier letting go of porn/masturbation.

Generally when we're using something, regardless of what that something is (it could be porn, it could be video games, it could be volunteering at a homeless shelter), to AVOID feelings, especially if we're feeling guilt, regret, or shame about it afterwards, it's worth taking a closer look at it.

So I think your intuition is right about wanting to take a closer look at it and I'm really glad you posted.

What I might suggest is stopping the porn for a week and seeing what happens. If you find yourself feeling better, that's good. If you find yourself feeling WORSE, that wouldn't be a surprise, but it might be a nice opportunity to learn a little more about your anxiety. And if you find that you CAN'T stop--or find that you are telling yourself and others that you CAN stop but AREN'T stopping ("I'll do it tomorrow," "I've had a bad day, I'll just treat myself", "Whatever, I'm not really hurting anyone") , that is REALLY good information for yourself to know.

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by trooper6 on Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:05 pm

Enail wrote:
Glides wrote:
So that's basically the trade-off: all porn that respects women will actually hire unbelievably sexy men for them with gigantic penises and make you feel even more insecure (if you're a man)

Just gonna put this out there: lesbian porn.

Can I address Glides's assertion that all the guys in feminist porn are unbelievably sexy and also elaborate on entail's point?

1) Glides, don't conflate feminist porn with porn made for women. There are lots of "porn made for women" that are full of "unbelievably sexy" men...since it is after all a woman's sexual fantasy. Though women's sexual fantasies don't always involve gigantic penises. But most of that "porn made for women" isn't in the same category as the genre "feminist porn." Some circles like to make fun of feminism, but one of the things that feminism cares about is diversity. This follows that feminist port also cares about diversity in bodies. So not all dudes in feminist porn look like Fabio. If you look at the web site that sponsors the Feminist Porn Awards (http://www.goodforher.com/feminist_porn_awards), you'll notice this description of what makes feminist porn:

What makes a movie a Feminist Porn Award winner?

In order to be considered for a Feminist Porn Award, the movie/short/website must meet at least two of the following criteria:
1) Women and/or traditionally marginalized people were involved in the direction, production and/or conception of the work.
2) The work depicts genuine pleasure, agency and desire for all performers, especially women and traditionally marginalized people.
3) The work expands the boundaries of sexual representation on film, challenges stereotypes and presents a vision that sets the content apart from most mainstream pornography. This may include depicting a diversity of desires, types of people, bodies, sexual practices, and/or an anti-racist or anti-oppression framework throughout the production.

And of course it must be hot!

Overall, Feminist Porn Award winners tend to be movies that consider a potentially female or trans viewer from start to finish. This means that you are more likely to see active desire and consent, real orgasms, and women and/or trans folk taking control of their own fantasies (even when that fantasy is to hand over that control).


So having only Fabios to make you feel inadequate would not be the point of feminist porn (as opposed to porn for women which may well be only Fabios). Now some dudes to look like Fabio and some people think Fabio is hot. Some dudes do have gigantic penises and some people are size queens. Within a feminist ethos, those people should also be able to have erotic fantasies that work for them, but they should not be the only people catered to. You can go to the website and look over past winners and see which films or companies might appeal to you.

2) Enail says lesbian porn. I'd modify and say Queer Porn. "Lesbian Porn" tends to be porn made for straight men with women who may or may not be lesbian. "Lesbian Porn" tends not to have a lot of diversity. Queer Porn is made by queer people for queer people and has a lot more diversity in it. So, I'd look up Queer Porn....a lot of which is represented in the Feminist Porn Awards.

So, try masturbating without porn just exploring your own body.
Try masturbating to the written word.
Try masturbating to pornographic audio.
Try masturbating to feminist porn.

Find out what works for you!

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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Enail on Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:16 pm

Well said! Tbh, I actually just meant porn that features women only, (whether made for men or the "real thing") as a possible solution to feeling insecure about depictions of men, but it was a flippant answer and I agree with you that queer porn is a more useful suggestion, both for stuff without men and stuff with more diverse men.  And it responds to the concerns about how depictions of women in porn might affect his attitudes.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Izmuth on Wed Oct 08, 2014 4:57 am

HermitTheToad wrote:This is why I keep thinking about amorality and sex. Hasn't anyone thought about why some people engage in racial fetishes, bestiality, paedophilia, necrophilia etc.? Surely you can desensitize yourself to the point where your gratification takes priority over 'annoying cock-blocking' morals?

TW: Bestiality/Pedophilia in white text underneath me, highlight to read. If anyone wants to respond, please do not quote my post, since then it gets visible for people who have me hidden because of triggers, and consider making the relevant part of your post white too with an added trigger warning.


I'm hardly an expert, but other paedophiles I have spoken to confirm that it wasn't outside influence that made them pedophilic. We were not abused and we didn't engage in hardcore porn "desensitizing" us from normal sexual orientations. Of course, in contrast to that, there's some research that abused children have a higher chance of abusing other children, but research into pedophilia is always complicated because you're dealing with a subset of a population that broke the law, not the whole population you want to study. Wanting to extrapolate data from pedosexuals (who act on their urges) to pedophiles (who are "merely" attracted to children) is a bit problematic IMO.

Plus, there's some evidence that legal child pornography reduces child abuse, instead of increasing it if extreme porn would make you attracted to children:
Diamond M et al (2010). Pornography and sex crimes in the Czech Republic. Archives of Sexual Behavior. DOI 10.1007/s10508-010-9696-y

I can't make any broad statements about bestiality, because I haven't spoken to other bestiphiles.

Have you tried watching animated porn, to see if you like it? That's what I personally exclusively use (also for adult porn) to know for certain I'm not an accomplice in exploiting anyone for porn.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Nerdator on Wed Oct 08, 2014 5:37 pm

HermitTheToad wrote:I'm not really sure if I'm looking for specific advice. I've just been feeling this way for some time now, so here goes:

I wish I didn't have to deal with my sexual feelings, because I then wouldn't need to immerse myself in porn. I can't really tell if I'm purely dealing with my libido or my conditioned cravings (I have a feeling it's the latter). Some days I wish I never found porn. At least then, I wouldn't have to deal with varying degrees of regret after I've had my 'fix'.

I'm of two minds when it comes to letting go (and when I say 'let go' I mean completely abstaining from masturbation, ever). On the one hand I don't want to let go, because doing so means that I won't be able to indulge in something that gives me relief, excitement and a sense of euphoria, to an extent. I won't have a means to take a break from the background noise that is my nervousness, anxiety and worry.

I don't think it's right to consider porn to be the fix part (well, unless you get off on watching), wanking's the fix. Porn is only the facilitator. It helps you get the fix quickly, smoothly and with less frustration. So that it's mostly relief, and not stress, and so that little time is wasted – and you can go and do something worthwhile.

Cutting porn out, you'll just make your life worse: it's unlikely to change your sex drive much, and it won't significantly change the way you see others or others see you. But masturbation will become a more laborious and annoying procedure.

It's like cutting your mobile phone out. Hey, you won't be getting your 'convenient instant communication' or 'reading an e-book in public transport' fixes, but everybody, everybody knows that you can communicate and read without the pesky thing.

HermitTheToad wrote:On the other hand, letting go would mean that I'd be happier. Letting go means having a chance at recovering from whatever damages I've accumulated over the years thanks to my habits. Maybe then, I could cut down on the number of times I'd have to deal with anxieties about sex, attraction and desirability. I could indulge in willful ignorance and not remind myself of the number of beautiful people out there.

What are the exact damages? Maybe it's better to do a little accounting. 'Has this made your winkle fall off? Has this turned you into a slimy monster who lurks in the shadows and becomes annoying when he doesn't get his "precious"?' are the kinds of questions you should be answering.

I can relate to the feelings of being reminded of the 'beautiful people out there', but it's a matter of managing your preferences, and people have been making good suggestions.

Also, make this about yourself – if it helps with your jacking off, why the hell should you care that you aren't going to join what you see? There is no one looking over your shoulder (or is there?) and scoffing at you for your choice of porn. Be pragmatic – use what works.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by InkAndComb on Tue Nov 11, 2014 10:41 pm

May I start this off by saying, I feel you Hermit.  I struggled a lot with my feelings on porn, masturbation, accepting my own sexual urges vs fighting them. Deciding whether or not these urges are healthy, deciding whether my fetishes are healthy, where their roots are from.  Deciding on if viewing material was affecting my life outside the porn-box.  I went from a Catholic-shame attitude to a pretty open kinkster, so take this with my grain of opinion salt.

May I humbly suggest amateur porn done by couples, as an example of a 'average body/healthy setting' type of porn?  Usually it's two+ people who are passionate about each other (enthusiastic consent!) but not necessarily camera savvy (poses comfortable for their actions, lighting set for the mood but not the cam). Also, you know that nobody is getting paid by the hour to make sexy O-faces; if it was bad sex, they probably wouldn't have posted it At least, this is my experience. In addition, you see many "real/unaltered" bodies; there seems to be less make-up, there is definitely more of the "average joe/jane/genderundefinedbutsexy" population vs very fit persons, or those with conventionally attractive figures.   Downside; you do have to sift through what your personal preferences are (I strongly suggest watching out for age issues or kink!squick, they are not always appropriately labelled).

On another note, I'm surprised nobody has suggested this (or did I miss it?); if you are currently seeing a therapist,  have you floated some of your concerns past them? Do they feel like you are allowing your sexual life to interfere with your personal relationship(s)? There are criteria for behaviors being addictive, but I am not seeing that from your posts.  Maybe if you said "I am masturbating so much that I am neglecting my chores, outside relationships, and going to work, also I am chaffing,", I might see a few flags.
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Re: [vent] Inconvenient sexual feelings.

Post by Guest on Thu Nov 13, 2014 2:35 am

InkAndComb wrote:
May I humbly suggest amateur porn done by couples, as an example of a 'average body/healthy setting' type of porn?  Usually it's two+ people who are passionate about each other (enthusiastic consent!) but not necessarily camera savvy (poses comfortable for their actions, lighting set for the mood but not the cam). Also, you know that nobody is getting paid by the hour to make sexy O-faces; if it was bad sex, they probably wouldn't have posted it  At least, this is my experience. In addition, you see many "real/unaltered" bodies; there seems to be less make-up, there is definitely more of the "average joe/jane/genderundefinedbutsexy" population vs very fit persons, or those with conventionally attractive figures.

I dunno. The irony here is that, you'd think that the people most likely to put up amateur videos would be on the upper end of 'average'.
And for the record, I am already interested in amateur videos.

(I strongly suggest watching out for age issues or kink!squick, they are not always appropriately labelled).

I don't think I understand. Could you clarify further?

On another note, I'm surprised nobody has suggested this (or did I miss it?); if you are currently seeing a therapist,  have you floated some of your concerns past them? Do they feel like you are allowing your sexual life to interfere with your personal relationship(s)? There are criteria for behaviors being addictive, but I am not seeing that from your posts.  Maybe if you said "I am masturbating so much that I am neglecting my chores, outside relationships, and going to work, also I am chaffing,", I might see a few flags.

That's because they know I'm not seeing a therapist. I don't know if my habits are 'addictive', although I wouldn't be surprised if the official word was that I was addicted. It feels like I'm doing a lot of it, which is a bummer because I experience those relief/shame cycles a lot. And I sometimes force orgasms even when I'm not particularly restless (to get away from boredom), like it's a reflex now, which probably is unhealthy.

The contrast between how I feel during and after my episodes is amazing. I had something of a revelation some days ago: I don't enjoy feeling horny and restless because the feeling isn't too far removed from a kind of anxiety.

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