What's the right thing to do?

[Andrew Corvero]

Hello forum! I'm back.

And there's a problem you might help me with.

I was planning a second date with a woman I've been to a good, fun first date with, when I met my ex. She told me she's single now and would like to meet me and have a chat. We've been together for three years (in a very chaotic relationship), I'm still very attracted to her and I think she's still attracted to me. At the very least she wants to see me and she's single.

At the same time I've been out on a date with this other woman and while there's nothing serious between us for now I'm also attracted to her and I'd like to see her more.

I'm torn because they both seem to show some interest in me, I'm attracted to both of them and would love to see both of them more. I realize I can't see both of them at the same time without telling them, it would be very dishonest and it would hurt them, and I care about both of them and I don't want to hurt them. I don't think that I can go out with both of them and tell them that I'm also seeing someone else, it would look like I don't care about them as persons but only as easily replaceable "possible relationships". So...what should I do?

[Robjection]

The first thing that springs to mind is, what were the issues in your relationship with your ex that prompted the two of you to split up? And then, how do you know that those issues won't come up again?

[reboot]

Um, cart before horse here. No one is asking you to commit to anyone. You are planning a second date with one woman and your ex just wants to talk, not get back together as far as you know. Why are you trying to choose now?

[Andrew Corvero]

The first thing that springs to mind is, what were the issues in your relationship with your ex that prompted the two of you to split up? And then, how do you know that those issues won't come up again?

Basically we didn't want to commit to each other because we didn't believe in commitment. We didn't want to become "like everyone else". I think we've both grown past that.

Um, cart before horse here. No one is asking you to commit to anyone. You are planning a second date with one woman and your ex just wants to talk, not get back together as far as you know. Why are you trying to choose now?

That's true. I guess I'm pretty anxious about this situation. I feel out of my element and I'm afraid I'll do something to mess everything up for one reason or another.

[reboot]

You are not at a crossroads here. Date the woman, see the ex, and see what happens. The woman or you might decide that this is not working. You might see the ex and she asks you to fix her up with one of your friends. Or you might see her and remember exactly why you did not work the first time. Or she will tell you she is gay. Or something.

No need to make any decisions at this point.

[Andrew Corvero]

You are not at a crossroads here. Date the woman, see the ex, and see what happens. The woman or you might decide that this is not working. You might see the ex and she asks you to fix her up with one of your friends. Or you might see her and remember exactly why you did not work the first time. Or she will tell you she is gay. Or something.

No need to make any decisions at this point.

You are right. However I'm worried that the woman I'm dating might learn that I'm seeing my ex from someone else and decide that I'm not really interested in her and just playing around. Should I tell her that I met my ex, or is too soon?

[Guest]

You are right. However I'm worried that the woman I'm dating might learn that I'm seeing my ex from someone else and decide that I'm not really interested in her and just playing around. Should I tell her that I met my ex, or is too soon?

Well, define "seeing"? Because meeting up with your ex over coffee and talking isn't really "seeing" them. I mean, yeah, you're physically looking at them but you aren't exactly dating, you're just talking. It's also a matter of perception, if you ask me. I'll hang out with a D&D buddy of mine who happens to be a tall full-figured blonde girl. People might THINK we're on a date but appearances can be deceiving, we're just two people chillin' at the tide pools.

I think maybe it's too soon, you're not official with this other woman and you're merely going to be hearing out your ex and what she's gotta say. I think reboot's got it right, it's waaay too early to tell if this woman wants to go out with you again (although it seems like she does so that's cool). The way I see it is, you also have a right to reject people, you can tell your ex "No", but again still REALLY early to know if you wanna stick to this woman. Besides, people casually date other people all the time until they make it explicitly clear that they want to be exclusive. At least from what I've heard and read. Shit, for all you know, the woman you're seeing now might have two other dudes in the back burner.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's still really early, So why not see both and decide later? Others may disagree but, hey, that's what dating is about, right?

[rj3]

You are not at a crossroads here. Date the woman, see the ex, and see what happens. The woman or you might decide that this is not working. You might see the ex and she asks you to fix her up with one of your friends. Or you might see her and remember exactly why you did not work the first time. Or she will tell you she is gay. Or something.

No need to make any decisions at this point.

You are right. However I'm worried that the woman I'm dating might learn that I'm seeing my ex from someone else and decide that I'm not really interested in her and just playing around. Should I tell her that I met my ex, or is too soon?

If she gets angry or defensive if you simply chat with your ex, you shouldn't be dating her. That's controlling behavior and creepy as hell. Someone you've been on a few dates with doesn't get a veto on your social interactions.

[PintsizeBro]

It sounds like you're nervous because you're in a new and unexpected social situation. That's normal. Where you're veering off course is you're taking that nervousness as evidence that you're doing something wrong. It makes sense on the surface, after all if you were doing everything right there would be no reason to feel nervous, right? So you must be doing something wrong. But that is brainweasels talking. This situation could, in theory, become difficult in the future, but that's pretty far off and by no means guaranteed.

Reboot is right, you're putting the cart before the horse. Nothing has happened yet. See your ex if you want to see her, don't see her if you don't want to. I'd recommend you try to make the choice you would have made if you hadn't gone out with this new woman.

[Andrew Corvero]

Reboot is right, you're putting the cart before the horse. Nothing has happened yet. See your ex if you want to see her, don't see her if you don't want to. I'd recommend you try to make the choice you would have made if you hadn't gone out with this new woman.

OK, then I'll meet her. After all, as reboot pointed out, she could be simply asking to meet me for whatever reason, so let's just wait and see what happens. Thanks for the advice!

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