A rejection reassurance thread

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Post by Mel on Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:36 pm

Something we've see people worrying about pretty regularly in the forums and blog comments is the idea that there's a "right" way to approach/ask out someone, and that if you approach/ask out someone and they reject you, you must have done something "wrong." I think it's really important for everyone trying to date to realize that there is no right way that guarantees the person you approach/ask out will be interested in you, and that there are many reasons a person you approach/ask out may be uninterested that do not reflect badly on you as a person at all. As long as most people you're approaching/asking out aren't reacting with hostility, fear, or some other extreme reaction, you're probably behaving just fine and it simply wasn't the best time, person, circumstance, etc.

To illustrate that, and reinforce the idea that rejections don't need to be taken as a criticism of your worth, I'm hoping we can all share stories of people we've turned down (or who've turned down us, if you know the reason for sure) who definitely hadn't done anything wrong and were perfectly decent human beings, just... not the best time, person, circumstance, etc. Smile

I don't have many stories because I can count the number of times I have been approached and/or asked out on my hands, but a couple to start us off:

-There was a guy I went out with a few times who I met through an OLD site. I found him physically attractive, we had lots of common interests, I enjoyed talking with him... but after the second date I realized there just wasn't a spark there. I wasn't excited about the idea of seeing him again. I might have found him attractive objectively speaking, but I wasn't feeling any desire to get physical with him. I gave it a third date to see if that might change, and it didn't. Totally cool person, I'd have been happy to have been friends with him if he hadn't been looking for more, not a single thing he did "wrong," just some random chemistry thing didn't happen.

-There was a guy who started talking to me while we were waiting for a bus one time, who was excited to see the book I was holding because it was one of his favorites, and ended up asking to exchange contact info after some enjoyable conversation. The only reason that didn't lead anywhere for him? I already had a boyfriend. If I'd been single, I totally would have been up for seeing him again.

Your turn!
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Post by Enail on Sat Oct 04, 2014 1:56 pm

My wife. I found her attractive, and we got on awesomely well, but I had too many new things going on at the time and the idea of trading in a friendship I valued for something different and more uncertain (I know, you don't actually trade in the friendship if you start dating the person. But I didn't know that then!) just seemed stressful.

Obviously we landed up getting together later on, but I solidly turned her down at the time, and she was cool about it (which did help later on when I started reconsidering).
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Post by Gman on Sat Oct 04, 2014 2:18 pm

Well I have a recent attempt that failed and I was mostly like "whatever, it's cool": 

- There is this one women in my dance scene, that is simply an amazing dancer. Whenever we dance, I always feel an undeniable energy and passion that we share. She has absolutley zero problems getting a bit closer in the dance with me and I just feel this amazing "energy" flowing between us through the dance. I decided to contact her through facebook (because we don't live in the same city) and told her that I think we have great chemistry in the dance and I would love to go out with her sometimes and see if this chemistry exists outside of the dance floor. She responded that she is flattered but she usually doesn't go out with men from the dance scene and that she is already seeing someone else.

A thing that happened a week later is actually making me worry more than being rejected: I accidentally tagged her in a facebook photo of me and some women who kind of looked like her, but wasn't her! She sent me a message that it wasn't her and I apologized, but still. Now that's what you call AWKWARD!  Embarassed
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Post by IHaveToes on Sat Oct 04, 2014 2:51 pm

I asked this one guy in one of my classes out to get coffee. We sat there and had the most awkward chat. It was pretty clear after the first 10 minutes that there wasn't much in common and we were just trying to be polite and not hurt the other person's feelings. I wish one of us had just said "Hey, I need to be going. This was nice, see you around." It dragged on for two hours. I feel so bad for not mercy killing the date a bit earlier. At least classes were over by that point and we didn't have to see each other again.

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Post by Autumnflame on Sat Oct 04, 2014 6:21 pm

Gosh, can't count the number of times I've been rejected - usually a soft rejection, of the kind where they didn't show much interest in continuing to talk after I complimented them or chatted them up a bit, or said they were busy with something else, or just never responded to texts, and I took that as a sign to gracefully fade away. (Or not so gracefully. At one point I asked a guy, "Hey, I think you're cute, mind if I hit on you?" [Please note THE COMPLETE LACK OF SUAVE I possess. Sigh.] He responded with, "I'm just here to talk to people," and I said, "I don't know what that means, is that a yes or a no?" [Soft rejection: *whoosh* over my head.] He was gracious enough about continuing to chat there and later that night, but avoided me in the following days of the convention. Grin;; ] Another time it was a matter of not being interested in the responsibilities of a relationship, though he was enthusiastic enough about sex. Yet another time, she said she liked making out with ladies, had a tendency to get super-snuggly and affectionate/emotional with people she was seeing, but didn't think she could date a woman long-term and didn't want to lead me on.

Of the times I've rejected, it's usually something as simple as not being attracted - can happen even with friends I like to spend time with and find good-looking in an objective sense, but just don't turn my gears. Most of the time it's people I don't know that well, so really can't make any particularly judgment on them as people.
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Post by KMR on Sun Oct 05, 2014 1:03 am

I just found out today that my current boyfriend (whom I met online several months ago) had actually messaged me when I first started online dating five years ago. I have no idea why I didn't respond to him back then, but it was clearly nothing personal.
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Post by Jayce on Sun Oct 05, 2014 11:32 pm

The most common rejection I get is "I have a boyfriend" and in most cases they actually have a boyfriend (like I see facebook photos of them, or I've later on seen them around their boyfriend, or I later see her talk to other people about her boyfriend)

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