Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by Solvi on Fri Jul 24, 2015 9:28 am

Hey, folks.

I know I don't check in here very often, but I'm still dealing with my depression and self-esteem issues; even online socializing is hard to deal with, most days.

Anyway, I had a question that I wanted to run past all of you.  I've been keeping my OK Cupid profile active, and one of the things that's been bothering me is that I just don't feel very attracted to most of the profiles I read on the site.  In the past year, there have only been about 5 or so women whom I've been tempted to message, but they were all clearly out of my league, so I'm not surprised that it all came to naught.

And yet I'm clearly capable of being attracted in the abstract.  I recently started re-reading Keito Koume's Spice and Wolf manga, and I've found myself falling hard for one of the characters in the series (Norah the shepherdess, in case anyone's a fan).  I know that fiction is explicitly crafted to be appealing, and the process by which this happens is one of my primary interests as a media scholar.  But I am starting to wonder if some of the complaints of cultural conservatives like Shintaro Ishihara -- that anime and manga, in particular, are raising a generation of youth so smitten with fictional characters that they've lost all interest in real-life relationships -- might have some merit.

Have anime and manga ruined me in terms of being attracted to real human beings?  I know I'm not consciously looking for dates who resemble fictional characters, but I also can't deny the discrepancy between the intense attraction I feel towards certain characters and the romantic indifference that I feel towards many of the flesh-and-blood people I come across.

I also recognize that I'm in the middle of a deep blue streak, so this might just be the depression talking.  Everything just feels hopeless -- I hardly ever come across real people to whom I'm attracted, and when I do, I can't get past the gap between them and me.  I'm just a stereotypical otaku, so there's nothing I have to offer.

Anyway, sorry if that turned out to be more of a rant than a question.  I'd appreciate any comments or feedback that you all have, though.

Solvi

Posts : 31
Reputation : 4
Join date : 2015-01-26

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by Enail on Fri Jul 24, 2015 11:56 am

I wonder if some of this might be to do with safety. If you don't feel like you can offer anything to a real person and struggle with socializing, it sounds like maybe you don't feel very okay with dating right now, and maybe attraction to a real person feels risky? Fictional characters can be a safe-feeling place to put those feelings.
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3997
Reputation : 2214
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by BasedBuzzed on Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:16 pm

Fictional characters in the waifu animus are living highlight reels and generally go for an everyman protag based on hidden qualities of character that only pop up out in extreme circumstances that are far enough from reality that you can claim you would react like that when presented with a situation. It's a fantasy tailor-made to the ego.

_________________
Pompeii, VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1904: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin."
BasedBuzzed
BasedBuzzed

Posts : 811
Reputation : 267
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by PintsizeBro on Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:27 pm

I see characters like that as emotional Doritos. Doritos (and other such processed foods) were designed by teams of food chemists to light our brains up with as much taste activity as possible.

When I'm in the middle of a deep depression, regular food doesn't taste like anything to me. So I reach for engineered foods like Doritos because that's the only way food tastes like it actually has a flavor.

BB is not entirely wrong, but the appeal is not just to the ego in a sense of over-inflated self-importance. It appeals to the ego in a sense that it's the only stimulus powerful enough to cut through the haze of depression.

PintsizeBro

Posts : 307
Reputation : 233
Join date : 2015-02-13

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by celette482 on Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:37 pm

First of all, nothing can *ruin* a person. Period. Things can make getting what we want harder or easier, but there is no such thing as a ruined person (signed: someone who works with hardened criminals who over and over again turn their lives around once they hit about 35, but that's neither here nor there).

Second, depression is a nasty and insidious thing, and even though it cannot ruin you, it sure as hell is gonna try. There could be a lot of things here: Jerkbrain trying to sabotage your attempts at dating by cutting you off at the knees, a coping mechanism that sends you into a fantasy world where everything is just right and controllable, the natural urge to crush on the gender(s) we find attractive seeking the only outlet it's got..... and on and on.

Yeah, sure you have to let go of the idea that a relationship with a living breathing human being is going to closely resemble a relationship with a fictional character specifically designed to be a romantic partner. Yada yada yada. (Seriously, it's important because other people are real with their own inner lives and trying to force them to fit a narrative is just gonna end badly) But what's more important is that you are not ruined or even *weird* for having fantasy relationships, or even PREFERRING them! Some day, Mr. Darcy from the end of the book not the beginning is gonna show up at my door and we shall go off to Pemberly together. Some day. You can't let fantasy get in the way of reality, either by expecting reality to perfectly match fantasy OR by feeling like fantasy has destroyed your chance at reality.

And depression is gonna latch on to whatever it can to keep you in its grasp. But, I can promise you that everyone has a fantasy inner world, one that is a far-sight better than whatever reality has to offer. That alone is not ruining you.
celette482
celette482

Posts : 168
Reputation : 138
Join date : 2014-10-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by Bumble on Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:50 pm

99% (70%? 80%?) of the people I see on okc seem to have pretty mainstream interests like travel, friends and family, drinking or game of thrones or whatever and I do see what you're saying. I feel like as an anime nerd I don't have a place in these womens' lives, and I'm not particularly interested in them either.

That said word on the street is common interests aren't that important in relationships.

Bumble

Posts : 44
Reputation : 7
Join date : 2014-11-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by litterature on Fri Jul 24, 2015 12:54 pm

Bumble wrote:99% (70%? 80%?) of the people I see on okc seem to have pretty mainstream interests like travel, friends and family, drinking or game of thrones or whatever and I do see what you're saying. I feel like as an anime nerd I don't have a place in these womens' lives, and I'm not particularly interested in them either.

fwiw i'm majoring in a nerdy thing and the male to female ratio is 1-3, and the ratio must be similar in the cosplay community, etc etc. so you might be looking in the wrong place but scarcity is definitely not a problem

also i'm reminded of that article DNL wrote about Jon Finkel, can't seem to find it right now but basically the gist of it was it doesn't matter whether you're a nerd, except to idiots

litterature

Posts : 234
Reputation : 90
Join date : 2015-04-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating? Empty Re: Has romantic fiction ruined me in terms of RL dating?

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum