What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by The Wisp on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:20 pm

Sandra and DNL mentioned this on Sandra's podcast, and DNL has written things along these lines before. I understand the gist of what they're saying, but I'm not sure how a straight guy can actually do this in the dating world and not be constantly rejected.

"Owning your sexual desire" seems to contradict a lot of other dating advice I've seen: don't mention sex on your OLD profile, even if you want casual sex; don't mention sex too early in your interaction; don't bring up sex explicitly until you are heading for somebody's apartment; don't compliment the body of a woman you're getting to know; etc. Indeed, many women, even those looking for casual sex, say that mentioning sex in an OLD profile or too early is a deal breaker.

I mean, guys just can't say, mid-interaction to a women, "hey, I want to have sex with you". But, how are you supposed to "own your sexual desire" if you can't actually explicitly bring it up without annoying/creeping out a woman? It seems that what people really mean by that is some high level flirting where you are saying "I want to have sex" without actually saying it. I completely understand why a lot of guys feel like they have to be very coy and indirect and turn into Nice Guys.
The Wisp
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by nonA on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:33 pm

First thing that comes to mind is to not treat any sexual subject matter as taboo. Innuendo is okay, so long as you aren't ham-handed about it. Touch is pretty damned important. Implication and teasing are important skills.

nonA

Posts : 72
Reputation : 28
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Mel on Sat Oct 04, 2014 8:49 pm

I would say that you build how you talk about it the same way you build how you act with a woman you're getting to know. I mean, you wouldn't start groping some woman you just started talking to, and you generally expect there's going to be a physical progression with someone you're dating, not jumping right to having sex when you meet up for your first date, right? Same thing with talking about it. You start out by indicating more-than-friendly interest in fairly subtle, non-intrusive ways, like complimenting clothing, hair, non-sexual features (eyes being a popular one), mild flirting, that sort of thing, and then as you get to know the person better and see whether she's reciprocating interest, you can get increasingly more direct in the way you talk about your interest just as you'll get more direct in how you're physically interacting with her. If that makes sense?

I think the key is to avoid pretending you have no more-than-friendly interest at all, to gradually indicate your attraction, not to be blatant about exactly how much desire you have immediately.

A couple ways I've had guys indicate they were into me romantically/physically early on that worked for me rather than making me uncomfortable (though obviously every woman is different):

-A guy on our in-person first meeting after OLD interactions was just gazing at my face during a brief lull in conversation, I said "What?" and he shook himself out of it and said, "Sorry, it's just, you're really pretty." (And then amended to clarify that it wasn't as if he hadn't thought I was pretty from my photos but it was just more so in person, in a charming slightly awkward way.)

-Different guy, also on a first in-person meeting after OLD interactions, after an hour or so of enthusiastic conversation on both our parts asked if it would be weird if he held my hand (in a relaxed/flirty, not anxious tone) and a little later (after we'd continued to get along quite well) said he'd really like to kiss me. (I said, "Well go ahead then." Wink )

Don't know if that helps?
Mel
Mel
Roving Moderator

Posts : 317
Reputation : 182
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Guest on Sun Oct 05, 2014 4:42 am

I always thought the concept of 'owning' anything first began in your own head; you find attractive what you find attractive and that's something you'll need to live with so accept that fact.

Maybe I'm thinking of desires in a more general way (what particular traits, physical or otherwise, you find attractive) over a more specific interpretation that's rooted in finding a particular person attractive and coping with that fact. I struggle more with the former than the latter, for the record, so that's what jumped out at me first.

I live in a prudish environment that has convinced me what I'm attracted to is pathetic so the former issue is more prudent to myself anyway. For the latter, Mel's answered it well.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:03 am

I'm with HPP and Mel on this one. It starts from saying to yourself "ok, I'm really attracted to this person physically". Don't shy away from that. Obviously, don't jump right to "hey, want to help me test my bed's impact strength". Be honest enough to know what you want and not be shy about it. Don't play it off as just wanting to be friends. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're attracted to someone and acting on that. You still want to take your time and build up. That's not just a question of the other person's comfort level but of making sure that you really are interested. There are few worse feelings than waking up with someone on your arm and wondering if you can chew it off at the shoulder to get away without waking her (or him as the case may be).
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gman on Sun Oct 05, 2014 6:49 am

Gentleman Johnny wrote:I'm with HPP and Mel on this one. It starts from saying to yourself "ok, I'm really attracted to this person physically". Don't shy away from that. Obviously, don't jump right to "hey, want to help me test my bed's impact strength". Be honest enough to know what you want and not be shy about it. Don't play it off as just wanting to be friends. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you're attracted to someone and acting on that. You still want to take your time and build up. That's not just a question of the other person's comfort level but of making sure that you really are interested. There are few worse feelings than waking up with someone on your arm and wondering if you can chew it off at the shoulder to get away without waking her (or him as the case may be).

Now, I have to admit that this is something that confuses me often too. What usually happens to me is that I "Jump the gun" too early, come forward about my intentions relatively early and completely burn any reliable chances I DID have until that point or I "Jump the shark" and I come forward about my intentions way beyond the peak of the tension that was built, because of being burned by coming on too strongly too early. I have especially difficult time measuring when is the right timing.... it's very frustrating. I found out that in general, situations of ambiguity makes me very anxious and nervous and so I tend to state my intentions early on rather than let it grow naturally just to make my anxieties go away (Which, like I said is a problem). My therapist believes that this is my Achilles heel and we are trying to work out something together on how do I deal with my anxieties in these situations.
Gman
Gman

Posts : 233
Reputation : 57
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Dan_Brodribb on Mon Oct 06, 2014 3:09 pm

I think you're on the right track, Gman.

I've come to believe that sexual tension IS a form of anxiety. It just happens to be mixed in with attraction/anticipation. And the better you are at sitting with that tension instead of disspelling it, the more you build it up. At the same time, you don't want the anxiety to build to the point where the other person is so wrapped up in his/her anxiety, s/he can't pay attention to and enjoy what's going on.

So I applaud you for working on your anxiety. The better you become at managing your own anxieties/emotions, the less you'll be blinded by them or feeling the urge to act to relieve them. That will give you more space to focus on where the other person and when you're able to do that, I imagine you'll find it a lot easier to see where they are and your timing will improve.

Good stuff.


_________________
My blogs: Dating: http://thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.ca
Movies, TV, and Videogames: http://thecompassionatedegenerate.blogspot.ca

Dan_Brodribb
Roving Moderator

Posts : 139
Reputation : 99
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Mon Oct 06, 2014 4:08 pm

I said it was simple, not easy. Smile

I'm usually up front in what I guess you could call a step by step way. Now part of that is that even if I could be guaranteed that the other person would go along with it, I don't get wrapped up in people too quickly. Having to chew my arm off a few times taught me better. Basically in any given get together I'm seeing if we have the chemistry to move to the next step. This is largely non-verbal stuff and importantly, its not just about what she will accept but what I'm interested in. It involves a lot of unconscious observation of the type that geeks tend not to be good at naturally. This is one of those areas where rules and text based exposition aren't going to help much because its more about the feel at that exact moment. Does it feel not just like you want to kiss her but the whole world is pushing your faces together? That's the time to make a move.

_________________
Gentleman Johnny
Not John Galt
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by The Wisp on Mon Oct 06, 2014 4:39 pm

Gentleman Johnny wrote:I said it was simple, not easy. Smile

I'm usually up front in what I guess you could call a step by step way. Now part of that is that even if I could be guaranteed that the other person would go along with it, I don't get wrapped up in people too quickly. Having to chew my arm off a few times taught me better. Basically in any given get together I'm seeing if we have the chemistry to move to the next step. This is largely non-verbal stuff and importantly, its not just about what she will accept but what I'm interested in. It involves a lot of unconscious observation of the type that geeks tend not to be good at naturally. This is one of those areas where rules and text based exposition aren't going to help much because its more about the feel at that exact moment. Does it feel not just like you want to kiss her but the whole world is pushing your faces together? That's the time to make a move.

I totally understand what you're saying, but what I really worry about when imagining cases like these is projecting my own feelings onto the other person and actually missing their signals.
The Wisp
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 06, 2014 6:16 pm

The Wisp wrote:
Gentleman Johnny wrote:I said it was simple, not easy. Smile

I'm usually up front in what I guess you could call a step by step way. Now part of that is that even if I could be guaranteed that the other person would go along with it, I don't get wrapped up in people too quickly. Having to chew my arm off a few times taught me better. Basically in any given get together I'm seeing if we have the chemistry to move to the next step. This is largely non-verbal stuff and importantly, its not just about what she will accept but what I'm interested in. It involves a lot of unconscious observation of the type that geeks tend not to be good at naturally. This is one of those areas where rules and text based exposition aren't going to help much because its more about the feel at that exact moment. Does it feel not just like you want to kiss her but the whole world is pushing your faces together? That's the time to make a move.

I totally understand what you're saying, but what I really worry about when imagining cases like these is projecting my own feelings onto the other person and actually missing their signals.

I have this same fear. I've heard the same argument before - you'll know when you feel the moment is right that it is right. However, that's one hell of a vague concept to me. Very hard to trust, as a result. I mean, I don't have any options but to trust it's right but I can't envision myself being able to read that moment, never mind capitalise on it either.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Mon Oct 06, 2014 6:38 pm

It can definitely be tricky. Trying to dissect my own behavior, I'd say I tend to push a tiny notch past what I'm sure about and gauge the other person's reactions. This is crazy hard to describe microsecond to microsecond stuff. When you go in for a kiss, does she respond then back off or does she linger? When you put a hand on her arm, does she go along or smile and press against it? Keep that up until one of you is comfortably as far as you're going to go just then. If you're tuned in enough to be trying this in the first place, it should be easy enough to spot. Like I said, not guaranteed easy but I've found that overthinking it just complicates things. If you overstep, back off, apologize and move on. You should be doing this in tiny increments of escalation, though, so its doubtful you'll have to apologize for much if you're sober. Also remember that missing your cue is far from the end of the world.
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Guest on Mon Oct 06, 2014 8:08 pm

I understand it's hard to describe and I can't fault anyone for not being able to just lay out how it all works - way too many variables, too much thought left to more unconscious processes. All of that.

I'm nowhere near this stage yet so figuring out what to expect makes me freak out less. Anything to tip the scales towards 'not-so-awkward'. Razz

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by The Wisp on Mon Oct 06, 2014 9:21 pm

I understand what you're saying Johnny, and I'm sure I could, with no anxiety and a little experience, pull that stuff off just fine. It's just, you know, over-thinking it + insecurities + inexperience + having bad experiences of projecting my feelings onto others (though in a platonic context) + fear of creeping out/annoying makes it harder to accept it fully.
The Wisp
The Wisp

Posts : 896
Reputation : 198
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Oct 07, 2014 12:11 am

I think you both kind of hit on something here. I've got two modes of operation: at work everything is intellectual, figure it out, forumlaic, scientific method, 2+2=4 stuff. When it comes to dealing with people its more "you can never step in the same river twice" stuff. Thinking about cues, remembering steps and so forth are actually going to get in your way, just like they do in sports. It can be tricky for me to shift gears from one mode to the other. When I don't, I might understand the why of people better but I don't come across as well. I prefer to save the why for after. Analyzing people and understanding people are two entirely separate disciplines.

_________________
Gentleman Johnny
Not John Galt
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Lemminkainen on Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:01 am

Johnny, the sort of thinking that you're talking about doing during social interaction is what the anthropologist James Scott calls "metis" (from an ancient Greek word for cleverness-- Homer describes Odysseus as having it) and some other sociologists have called "tacit knowledge". Situations requiring metis tend to have lots of tiny micro-variations which make describing how to do them with algorithms impossible. These activities include things like riding a bike, shearing sheep, traditional African farming, analyzing literature, performing surgery, and socializing. You can learn some basic principles which will help you, but you ultimately have to learn how to do it through experience.

The good thing is that although touch escalation and talking about sexuality on dates are metis-loaded skills, the consequences for failing individual interactions tend to be small as long as you only escalate a little at a time. At worst, you might not get another date.* Most of the time, the other person will be pretty forgiving of small-scale missteps, and might even find them endearing. (A date who likes you will probably be charmed by you blushing and saying something like "I, uh, just think that you're really attractive and cool and stuff.")


*If you way over-escalate, you could really freak the other person out and give them a lot of unpleasant feelings, which would actually be a significant bad outcome, but if you start small, you probably won't do this.

Lemminkainen

Posts : 143
Reputation : 58
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Oct 07, 2014 2:24 am

I have to laugh because I know just enough Greek that I get the concept of metis fairly well. Its one of those words that sounds simple but its concepts are split over several English words so it takes a lot of space to translate well. Another one I like for that is techne, meaning crafty in both the sense of crafts and n the sense of cunning. They're both attributes that Odysseus was known for and ones that I like to cultivate.

So, I'll give a really simple example. There's this hotel room that six people are in, two per bed. My bedmate and I have no previous physical history but we spent the night before being cuddly. We're already doing that and I put just a bit more pressure in the squeeze of her arm. She responds by pushing into it and rolling back a bit into me. That's a clear sign to continue.

Anyway, getting back to the original topic - the point here is don't be interested and not do anything about it. Own it and get a clear yes or no instead of hiding it and hoping she will just magically notice some day. That way lies Nice Guy territory.

_________________
Gentleman Johnny
Not John Galt
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Guest on Tue Oct 07, 2014 7:05 am

God, if I had Odysseus' social skills I would never worry about dating again. Dude was a BOSS.

Guest
Guest


Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by SomeSam on Tue Oct 07, 2014 9:19 am

"Anyway, getting back to the original topic - the point here is don't be interested and not do anything about it. Own it and get a clear yes or no instead of hiding it and hoping she will just magically notice some day. That way lies Nice Guy territory."

I think that's a very important part. Reminds me of something someone linked to in one of the DNL threads I commented in: ask- and guess-culture-people. Guess culture people will only ask once they're as certain of the reply as they can be. But if you combine overthinking and guess-culture, that's a recipe for analysis paralysis. I don't think that's necessarily nice guy territory, but it may look like that. Problem is: how to start feeling worthy without successful experience in these matters is still a big question mark. Baby steps are usually a good way, but they may take very long to get somewhere.

Also, for me, personally, "owning your/my sexual desire" means, most importantly, accepting it as a part of myself, and - here's the tricky part given that male sexuality is so often equated with being problematic/violent/rapey - as something that is basically good, a source of pleasure for me and my partners, something that I can *give*, not something that only *takes* or something to be afraid of. Finding congruence between the fear of what I've come to internalise about my sexuality and what it actually feels like to me.

Verbally, I can deal with that. Rationally, that's fine. But it's also why I find initiating so absurdly hard. It still basically means that I can only ever really physically accept and own my desire if I don't actually have to bear the responsibility for *owning it*, or running the risk of mistakenly imposing it, and instead wait for the woman to initiate physically. Feeling worthy of desire, to me, seems like the most important part of "owning ones desire" when it comes to acting on it. But it's not easy.

This long and partly rather abstract comment by "DR" is probably the best thing with respect to "owning male sexuality" (as I understand it) that I have ever come accross.
http://clarissethorn.com/2011/04/03/storytime-fear-loathing-and-sm-sluthood-in-san-francisco/#comment-4681

SomeSam

Posts : 1
Reputation : 0
Join date : 2014-10-06

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gman on Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:32 pm

Gentleman Johnny wrote:Anyway, getting back to the original topic - the point here is don't be interested and not do anything about it. Own it and get a clear yes or no instead of hiding it and hoping she will just magically notice some day. That way lies Nice Guy territory.

But you see, this is exactly what's bothering me - If owning your desire means getting a clear yes or no - then this leads me back to my point earlier, as to when to show it. Because I think that I have a problem with this mode of thinking, as I tend to just admit my attraction early on and not let things linger a bit longer for fear that she will lose interest/find someone else/the universe is against me/whatever.
So my question here is how do I handle this? My current thinking is to try and escalte things in "baby steps" when I'm feeling a vibe and see how it goes from there, but I'm not sure. Any other advice people here can add to this?
Gman
Gman

Posts : 233
Reputation : 57
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by kleenestar on Tue Oct 07, 2014 1:44 pm

Gman, I'm going to offer an alternate framing that might help you. What if you thought about it as "own your desire; don't make her own it?" One of the things that can go wrong in building a sexual connection is making the other person feel that they are somehow responsible for your attraction to them in a way they didn't ask for. Slow escalation helps with this because you're only ever offering a small incremental change over the last thing they happily accepted, but it's not the only way to address the problem. Most women have been taught from a young age that it's their job to manage the sexual feelings of the men around them, whether they want to or not, and you can actually address this problem at the source by owning your own desire. For example, you can frame your attraction as being without expectation of her. You can ask her questions in a way that makes it easy for her to say no. You can make clear that you enjoy her (and your attraction to her!) no matter what she chooses to do about it. If this makes any sense I'd be happy to try to figure out some specific scripts or example.
kleenestar
kleenestar

Posts : 289
Reputation : 204
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Oct 07, 2014 3:27 pm

embertine wrote:God, if I had Odysseus' social skills I would never worry about dating again.  Dude was a BOSS.

Well, for some definition of boss. He got all the Achaeans into a war that lasted ten years, salted his own fields and kept getting "kidnapped" by beautiful women while trying to get back to his wife (although apparently not too hard) then committed a mass slaughter of nobles. Granted, as Greeks go that's nearly pacifist and he's definitely more of a social mover than anyone around him.
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Oct 07, 2014 4:44 pm

Was just having another conversation that happens to relate. Here's the gist:
That's the big one I learned in the last year or two. Whatever you're going to do, make it your choice and embrace it. Don't sit and wait because you can't do anything. Sit and wait because its the best option available and damn it you're not going to go rushing into the lion's jaws until your sword is back from the blacksmith.

Don't forget it goes the other way, too. When you are ready to take a chance, charge forward without fear. No one ever grew as a person by staying inside their comfort zone.

_________________
Gentleman Johnny
Not John Galt
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gman on Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:18 pm

kleenestar wrote:Gman, I'm going to offer an alternate framing that might help you. What if you thought about it as "own your desire; don't make her own it?" One of the things that can go wrong in building a sexual connection is making the other person feel that they are somehow responsible for your attraction to them in a way they didn't ask for. Slow escalation helps with this because you're only ever offering a small incremental change over the last thing they happily accepted, but it's not the only way to address the problem. Most women have been taught from a young age that it's their job to manage the sexual feelings of the men around them, whether they want to or not, and you can actually address this problem at the source by owning your own desire. For example, you can frame your attraction as being without expectation of her. You can ask her questions in a way that makes it easy for her to say no. You can make clear that you enjoy her (and your attraction to her!) no matter what she chooses to do about it. If this makes any sense I'd be happy to try to figure out some specific scripts or example.

[ltr]I don't get "own your desire; don't make her own it." Why would I ever do something like that? I'm sorry but that makes zero sense to me. Of course my desire is purely my own, how exactly does someone "makes" someone else own his/her desire?!!?!?!?[/ltr]

[ltr]"You can make clear that you enjoy her (and your attraction to her!) no matter what she chooses to do about it."[/ltr]

[ltr]I think I am pretty much doing that already. Last women I hit on, I basically told her that "I feel that we have a great connection while dancing and I would like to take you out sometime and see if the connection is there also outside of the dancefloor". If that isn't an example of owning my desire, being clear and offering a way to say no, then I don't know what else I can do. [/ltr]


Gentleman Johnny wrote:Was just having another conversation that happens to relate. Here's the gist:
That's the big one I learned in the last year or two. Whatever you're going to do, make it your choice and embrace it. Don't sit and wait because you can't do anything. Sit and wait because its the best option available and damn it you're not going to go rushing into the lion's jaws until your sword is back from the blacksmith.

Don't forget it goes the other way, too. When you are ready to take a chance, charge forward without fear. No one ever grew as a person by staying inside their comfort zone.

Aaaaannnnnddddd were back to square one of the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" perdicament..... :-/ So it's either "wait because it's your choice or go foward because it's your choice", which is basically what was said earlier and yet I'm also being told that being too direct is bad but being too indirect is also bad.... so where is the middle ground in all of this?
Gman
Gman

Posts : 233
Reputation : 57
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Gentleman Johnny on Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:47 pm

When it comes to making a decision, thee isn't. Take your shot and if you miss, don't beat yourself up for it. Apologize and move on. The topic isn't "how do I make my interest known in a way that maximizes my chances of success." This isn't about when the right time is, its about taking responsibility for your attitudes and actions. So as relates to the original topic:
1. Acknowledge that you have sexual feelings for someone to yourself.
2. Decide whether you're going to pursue it or not based on your best judgement.
3. Whatever choice you make, don't be afraid or ashamed of it.

In the long run you're better off trying and failing than not trying.

_________________
Gentleman Johnny
Not John Galt
Gentleman Johnny
Gentleman Johnny

Posts : 555
Reputation : 213
Join date : 2014-10-02

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Mel on Tue Oct 07, 2014 8:49 pm

Gman wrote:
Aaaaannnnnddddd were back to square one of the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" perdicament..... :-/ So it's either "wait because it's your choice or go foward because it's your choice", which is basically what was said earlier and yet I'm also being told that being too direct is bad but being too indirect is also bad.... so where is the middle ground in all of this?

Gman, I think you need to realize that no one has a perfect formula for figuring out what the exact right pacing is for developing a romantic/sexual relationship with someone. I mean, it's basically impossible given that you can't expect to read every thought in someone's head through their body language, and every person you interact with is going to have different preferences, and so on. No one goes ahead without any nervousness or second-guessing about what they're doing, ever*, except perhaps jerks who don't care at all if they make someone uncomfortable. You just do the best you read the other person's comfort levels and interest, and express your interest on a level that fits those, and sometimes you will still be rejected, but unless you're doing something extreme (racing ahead to some "step" that normally has significantly more build-up) or handling the rejection badly, most people are not going to be angry or upset with you, and those who are, that's likely more their issue. Simply being rejected doesn't mean you necessarily did something wrong, only that this person wasn't as into you as you were into them, and/or wasn't the best fit for you, and now you know.

*E.g., When I was dating, I stressed all the time about how quickly to "own" my romantic/sexual feelings. If I was starting to feel serious about a guy, how much should I show it? How soon? Was I calling him too often? Was I accidentally acting too distant? Was I being too forward? Etc. Those sorts of uncertain feelings are totally normal in pretty much all people, especially introverted and/or socially awkward folks. You just learn to live with it and, again, do your best.
Mel
Mel
Roving Moderator

Posts : 317
Reputation : 182
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"? Empty Re: What, exactly, do people mean when they say "own your sexual desire"?

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 1 of 2 1, 2  Next

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum