When the world doesn't want you in it

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When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Guest on Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:09 am

I'm repeating a lot of stuff I've said here before, but I really need to get this out.

I'm about as lonely as a person can get. I have no friends. Zero. Zip. Nada. I have nobody I can talk to or spend time with. Nobody to visit. Nobody to have lunch or a drink with. Nobody to call or text.

My relationship with my family, including my emotionally abusive parents, is beyond repair.

I'm a joke to pretty much everyone I know. I've been told to my face before that the only reason I'm kept around at my job is so that everybody has someone to laugh at.

Whenever I meet new people, there's always someone in the group who figures out really quickly that the easiest way to impress everyone else with how funny and clever they are is to make fun of me. It works. You can see the conflict in people's faces. You can see them thinking "I know I shouldn't laugh at this. I know I thought I was the kind of person who wouldn't laugh at this sort of thing. But I can't help it, it's just too funny".

I've been in therapy in one form or another since I was 15. I'm now 32. Nothing works. Nothing helps.

What would you do if you lived in a world that simply didn't want you in it?

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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by jcorozza on Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:43 am

First of all, jedi hugs! And second of all, if you get to the point where you're so down about this that you're having suicidal thoughts or anything, please, please, please call a hotline, go to a hospital, or if you find it more helpful, reach out to folks here.

All that being said...these coworkers and people you know...these are adults? They're behaving like middle schoolers. Now, unfortunately, it's pretty unlikely you'll be able to change all of them and their attitudes. Toxic family? You can cut out of your life. Coworkers are a bit harder. Now, you mentioned that people have told you to your face that you're the butt of your jokes - have they told you why? Is there a personality mismatch with your community? Are they just nasty people who need a scapegoat for their nastiness, and they saw you as an easy target?
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Guest on Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:51 am

I'm not suicidal, but I am in a lot of pain.

It's not everyone who's said things like that to me at work. There was one person who said the thing about the company only keeping me around so everyone has someone to laugh at. There were two other people (neither of whom is there anymore) who said they need to start a spreadsheet so they'll have an up-to-date log of all the stupid shit I say. There was another time when I was obviously in pain and another coworker asked me what was wrong, and I was honest about the fact that I'm a joke to everyone, and his response was (and I quote) "Well, at least you know where you stand"

So yeah, four people who have been that mean to my face, but I don't fit in with any of the other people there. My social skills are basically non-existent. I'm weird and awkward and bad at talking to people.

The stuff about meeting new people and becoming the butt of jokes in order to impress other people comes from my experience with MeetUp groups. I just don't have the social skills to fit in there, and without them I'm just too much of a target. When others don't see you as a person, they'll feel no obligation to treat you as one.

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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Guest on Sat Aug 01, 2015 9:14 am

The family you're born into and the family you choose aren't necessarily the same.

I echo the sentiment that those people you mention are being turdtles. And unfortunately, turdtles gon' turd. You can't change them, but you can try changing your reaction to them.

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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Caffeinated on Sat Aug 01, 2015 10:27 am

If all the people I met were cold and unfriendly, I might get a dog or cat. Many people prefer the loyal and affectionate nature of animals over the company of other humans.

I'm sorry you're so alone.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by jcorozza on Sat Aug 01, 2015 10:48 am

Ooh, yes, pets are really great for company. When I was feeling lonely and depressed, I would go to the shelter and play with the puppies. Even having my pet rats helps.

Meetups can be kind of a mixed bag - what kind did you try?
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Enail on Sat Aug 01, 2015 11:13 am

Seconding/thirding/whatevering that your coworkers are total shitbags, and also that animals are pretty great for providing company when you're lonely.

Do you think you might be interested in trying to find some safe ways to improve your social skills a bit? It might not be a quick fix, but in the long run, that's probably the thing most likely to help you change things.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by bomaye on Sat Aug 01, 2015 2:04 pm

If it was me, I'd probably say mean things back to the coworkers, with nothing off limits.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by reboot on Sat Aug 01, 2015 2:07 pm

bomaye wrote:If it was me, I'd probably say mean things back to the coworkers, with nothing off limits.

Me too. Not yelling or anything, but very cold and cutting and more than a little cruel
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Enail on Sat Aug 01, 2015 2:29 pm

I probably would too, but I do think that can be a risky choice if one doesn't have the social skills to navigate it, though - socially skilled bullies are more likely to be able to judge what they can say or do without social or professional consequences than the person they are bullying. Being more assertive is a good idea, but it might work best if you give some thought to the most effective way to do it or run it by people here to see what they think.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by jcorozza on Sat Aug 01, 2015 2:56 pm

I think it is also less risky to be assertive/forward/even aggressive if you can go home and tell your friends and family/have support in other places. And it can also make the situation even more heated.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by bomaye on Sat Aug 01, 2015 3:11 pm

Here's an easy one:

Stare'em down until they look away first. It's a subtle dominance thing.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Guest on Wed Oct 21, 2015 3:20 pm

Enail wrote:Do you think you might be interested in trying to find some safe ways to improve your social skills a bit? It might not be a quick fix, but in the long run, that's probably the thing most likely to help you change things.

What do you mean by "safe ways" exactly?

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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 21, 2015 4:21 pm

I'm thinking situations where it's socially acceptable to engage in limited social interactions and where people will be likely to be reasonably friendly and polite if you stick to the accepted limits, but where it's separate from the rest of your life so anything that goes badly won't affect your life too much. It would depend on what aspects on interaction you think you need to work on, but it could be things as small as saying "nice weather" to the cashier at a store. One of the things that helped me most with small talk was practicing with the hairdresser when getting haircuts, because it was expected, but also it didn't get too weird if I couldn't think of anything to say and just let the conversation die down for a while.

I know you've had some truly awful experiences with therapists, so I understand if you wouldn't want to try this, but group therapy or support groups might be a good place to practice in a more ongoing but still contained way. If it's guided, that might be easier than free-form conversation, and a decent leader should keep things respectful and squash anyone inclined to mockery, and also there might be people who get where you're coming from and have similar challenges with social skills.

If the purely verbal aspects of conversation are a challenge for you, you could also work on that part by participating in lighter topics on this or other forums if you don't much already. Of course, the pacing is different and it's stripping out a lot of the really tricky parts of in-person interaction, but sometimes it's good to strip things down and focus on just one aspect of something you want to work on.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

Post by eselle28 on Wed Oct 21, 2015 4:44 pm

Caffeinated wrote:If all the people I met were cold and unfriendly, I might get a dog or cat. Many people prefer the loyal and affectionate nature of animals over the company of other humans.

I'm sorry you're so alone.

I wonder if even a caretaking responsibility that's not a larger mammal might be helpful. I'm seeing a lot of loneliness in your posts, Pagliacci, but I also see a thread running through them of you not feeling like you're valued by anyone around you. If a dog or a cat sounds beyond your capacity at the moment, you aren't able to have one where you live, or you just don't like them, you might want to think about getting a smaller, lower-maintenance pet. I've had both betta fish and hermit crabs in the past. They don't counteract loneliness in the same way as a more interactive pet does, but during very down periods it helped me a bit to remember that I was needed, even if it was by small creatures.

An alternate way of feeling needed might be service work. Not everything you can do to be of aid to others requires much in the way of socializing. I don't know if you have a car, but many charitable groups like Meals on Wheels or your local animal shelter need people to transport things. Is there anything that you enjoy doing, or feel you're better at compared to the other things you can do? There are some team-type things that are done mostly by email or online, and participating in one of those might feel a little safer than venturing to a Meetup Group.
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Re: When the world doesn't want you in it

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