Dealing with stalkers

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Guest on Tue Aug 04, 2015 4:12 am

OK, after reading the thread (at 2 am), here is some quick advice:

1. Decoying him might be a good idea, but it must be really convincing. If he is tech-savvy or has stalked others before, chances are he might see through your bluff, which might exacerbate the situation further.

2. If he is armed with a firearm or any other deadly weapon, and your lives are in immediate danger, DO NOT HESITATE TO USE DEADLY FORCE! I would prefer you 2 NOT being victims of entitlement rage, that being said, if a non-lethal method is available, use it.

3. In terms of social media, make like a Romulan and cloak, make yourself invisible. blackout if you have to. minimize the time online and do not logon unless it's absolutely necessary.

4. Do not be afraid to get the police involved, dial 911 if things get out of control.

That is as much I can give you, I've never been in a situation like yours, so, I can only give common advice.

I hope you 2 are OK... Sad I will be thinking of you, and watching this thread.

I wish I could help you more.

There, there

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by celette482 on Tue Aug 04, 2015 8:20 am

Being able to call the cops on the guy solely for breathing the same air she does will make things slightly easier. I hate to say it, but when cops hear domestic, they aren't always in a hurry, when they hear violation of restraining order or injunction (the AZ version sounds basically like your typical restraining order with different terminology), they know something's up.

If she fakes a move across the world, it MIGHT work. But she is probably going to also have to move for real. He knows where she works right now and might try to get some info from you guys. Even if you guys are a solid front, if he sees her? Game's up. She needs to find a new job if she wants to dodge him completely.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:32 am

celette482 wrote:Being able to call the cops on the guy solely for breathing the same air she does will make things slightly easier. I hate to say it, but when cops hear domestic, they aren't always in a hurry, when they hear violation of restraining order or injunction (the AZ version sounds basically like your typical restraining order with different terminology), they know something's up.

If she fakes a move across the world, it MIGHT work. But she is probably going to also have to move for real. He knows where she works right now and might try to get some info from you guys. Even if you guys are a solid front, if he sees her? Game's up. She needs to find a new job if she wants to dodge him completely.

This where the big plus side comes in. I am friendly with some of the bigger boss cops because I sit on some of their anti-trafficking and DV services task forces and we often help link both up with certified translators. These are the folks I talked to today and they said if she does file they will meet her and walk her through it (I guess you petition directly to the court and do not go to PD? I need to read up more). Cops tend to take something seriously if their bosses put something in a file that says take it seriously.

So we still have the problem of him knowing where she works and getting to and from work. She does not want to quit and I do not want to lose her, especially not over this shitheel. If it has to be to keep her safe, so be it, but we want to prevent it. Shit, maybe hijab and carpool (so he does not see her car) is the way to go? Because of the nature of our work our staff is closed lipped (hence why we think it was the picture in the lobby that clued him in....something we are going to replace with art). We also have good security procedures because we do get bomb threats from various anti-immigrant groups and the occasional bomb.

Do you think being really unavailable for a period right after the injunction is served to him might be a good idea? The trip to Ukraine might be a good idea for his initial storm to pass? She is still not decided on filing because it might fire him up. She is de,finitely waiting for Rooms to get back on Monday (yay!) before doing anything because aside from work, my place is where he knows to look for her and I am likely to know where she went.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Wondering on Tue Aug 04, 2015 1:02 pm

If you're looking into carpooling to disguise her car, would it be easier just to get a new car? That seems simpler than getting a new job, which I hope she won't have to do, or even a new place to live.

It's appalling we have to live like this because some man decided we belonged to him. And here we are all talking about it so rationally. Based on my own similar but much less serious experience, I am internally screaming on her behalf. It's been nearly 15 years for me, and I still find myself figuratively looking over my shoulder every once in a while and have adapted certain behaviors because of it. I can't imagine how this is going to affect her for the rest of her life.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Tue Aug 04, 2015 9:49 pm

Wondering wrote:If you're looking into carpooling to disguise her car, would it be easier just to get a new car? That seems simpler than getting a new job, which I hope she won't have to do, or even a new place to live.

It's appalling we have to live like this because some man decided we belonged to him. And here we are all talking about it so rationally. Based on my own similar but much less serious experience, I am internally screaming on her behalf. It's been nearly 15 years for me, and I still find myself figuratively looking over my shoulder every once in a while and have adapted certain behaviors because of it. I can't imagine how this is going to affect her for the rest of her life.

She has talked about getting a new car, but that is going to require some time since there is this whole unanticipated move thing and she is thinking of setting up a dummy corporation to lease the apartment, car, do the utilities, register the car, etc. It is super easy to do, but once again $$.

And yeah, I am raging on the inside for her. All because some shit for brains decided after a couple of dates that her opinion on being in a relationship was irrelevant.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:28 pm

Update:

Crazy motherfucking day. My mechanic found trackers on both our cars which is (thankfully) not so legal here. Downside is we cannot prove he put them there. We called the cops and they took them. I have no idea if they can be traced/tracked. I assume so since they are transmitting (a question for Rooms). If they can be tracked or I see him in the neighborhood after she moves, I will have my own restraining order.

On the more positive side, some guy in her parent's church manages andbuys real estate in AZ, TX, and NV for some offshore holding company (I smell tax evasion/money laundering) and he is going to let her move into one of their investment properties and let her get utilities in the company name. He is also going to have the company buy her car and then buy her a new one with the money. This sounds kind of crazy generous, but my guess there are some financial shenanigans behind the offer. So plus side, she will be hard to trace, negative side your car and utilities are in the hands of a shadowy, offshore company that may be using you to hide ill gotten gains.

On a personal note, I really like her but really want her in her own place. Having to mind my PS and Qs at home because she is an employee is really stressful.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Werel on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:35 pm

Trackers?? Fucking A, reboot. I am so sorry you gotta deal with this. Sad

And yeah, coworkers in your house, much less living there, is wicked stressful. You're pretty much Hero of the Year for letting her stay with you this long.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Enail on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:35 pm

OMG, trackers on your cars!? This whole thing is so horrifying, so much sympathy to both you and her, and much admiration for your awesomeness. Every person with a stalker would be lucky to have a Reboot in their corner. May she move out safely and soon.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by eselle28 on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:36 pm

Holy shit, trackers? That's terrifying.

And it's completley normal to wish you were back in your old living situation, no matter how much you feel for her and like her.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:40 pm

Werel wrote:Trackers?? Fucking A, reboot. I am so sorry you gotta deal with this. Sad

And yeah, coworkers in your house, much less living there, is wicked stressful. You're pretty much Hero of the Year for letting her stay with you this long.

Enail wrote:OMG, trackers on your cars!? This whole thing is so horrifying, so much sympathy to both you and her, and much admiration for your awesomeness. Every person with a stalker would be lucky to have a Reboot in their corner. May she move out safely and soon.

eselle28 wrote:Holy shit, trackers? That's terrifying.

And it's completley normal to wish you were back in your old living situation, no matter how much you feel for her and like her.

Physics bless Rooms' suspicious mind. He suggested getting the mechanic to look for them. I never would have thought of it. I am just glad the map for my car is home, work, organization, organization, police headquarters, grocery stores, etc and I did not visit any friends. I assume he dropped it some time last week after she moved in. Her car has just been at my place because we are sticking together
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by litterature on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:45 pm

WTF mate, bloody trackers?!! I'm speechless really.
I hope there are no ill effects to his having tracked you! That must be terrifying, wtf. Hope this lets the cops put the bastard out of circulation already.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Wed Aug 05, 2015 10:56 pm

There should not be. He already knew where I lived by either physically following us or remotely. Aside from grocery shopping, which I tend to do at whatever store happens to be closest to where I am when I remember to go shopping, I have not been anywhere that was not work related and my meeting schedules are unpredictable, so knowing I went to the Medicaid AZ headquarters on Tuesday in no way means you will find me there at the same time any other Tuesday.

Physics bless unpredictable schedules
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Wondering on Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:37 am

Holy fucking hell, reboot! Trackers is all kinds of insane.

I hate to say this, but -- trackers is a seriously crazy escalated thing to do -- you might need to consider moving yourself, honestly. Because if she is successful in moving and he can't find her...you're his link to her.

No good deed goes unpunished. Sad

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:52 am

Wondering wrote:Holy fucking hell, reboot! Trackers is all kinds of insane.

I hate to say this, but -- trackers is a seriously crazy escalated thing to do -- you might need to consider moving yourself, honestly. Because if she is successful in moving and he can't find her...you're his link to her.

No good deed goes unpunished. Sad

He may come at me when she MIAs but like hell am I moving. It may be stupid and it may be pig headed stubborn, but that pig fucker is not driving me out of my home. I would rather die than give an inch. Fuck that noise.

(Not that your advice is not absolutely good and definitely suited to those who do not come from a long line of people who are too pig stubborn to back down even when it is the smart thing to do Smile )
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Wondering on Thu Aug 06, 2015 1:03 am

No, I don't disagree with you. No one should have to do this. Ever. At all. Not your employees, not you, not me, not anyone else who's ever had a stalker. We should not have to change our lives because they decided we don't have autonomy. It makes me seethe.


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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by BasedBuzzed on Thu Aug 06, 2015 7:30 am

What are the pros and cons of social media shaming him if he decides to go after primarily you? This sounds like a story that progressive-inclined web outlets would scoop up, leading to a flood of support, but might also cause him to do more radical shit or make you unable to live your life/do your job effectively due to the media attention.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Thu Aug 06, 2015 9:35 am

BasedBuzzed wrote:What are the pros and cons of social media shaming him if he decides to go after primarily you? This sounds like a story that progressive-inclined web outlets would scoop up, leading to a flood of support, but might also cause him to do more radical shit or make you unable to live your life/do your job effectively due to the media attention.

I do not think there are any pros to social media shaming him.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Wondering on Thu Aug 06, 2015 12:39 pm

Yeah, from what I've read about the psychology of stalkers, most of them thrive on attention. The more attention they get, the more they continue or increase their harassment.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Guest on Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:31 pm

Trackers?! W.T.F?

I say you are dealing with a Grade A, certified stalker here.

Like Wondering said, he may use you to lure her out, meaning you are now compromised. Getting a restraining order might be necessary.

I don't disagree with you about not moving, in fact I applaud it. Your place, your terms!

REALLY hoping this situation to be over, still wishing you the best.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboundstudent on Thu Aug 06, 2015 2:46 pm



Reboot you are an amazing person, and I cannot believe the BS you and your employee are going through. I cannot give you enough props.

I agree with the general consensus on getting a restraining order. Hopefully this fucker doesn't escalate anymore and just goes the hell away. It's also helpful to always keep your keys in your hand, with a few between your fingers-should something escalate to violence, that makes it a lot easier to jab the key into someone's eye. The nose is particularly vulnerable, and an elbow (keep your hand open, don't make a fist) to the center of someone's chest (where they tell you to do compression for CPR) is good in close quarters.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Guest on Thu Aug 06, 2015 3:00 pm

reboundstudent wrote:

Reboot you are an amazing person, and I cannot believe the BS you and your employee are going through. I cannot give you enough props.

I agree with the general consensus on getting a restraining order. Hopefully this fucker doesn't escalate anymore and just goes the hell away. It's also helpful to always keep your keys in your hand, with a few between your fingers-should something escalate to violence, that makes it a lot easier to jab the key into someone's eye. The nose is particularly vulnerable, and an elbow (keep your hand open, don't make a fist) to the center of someone's chest (where they tell you to do compression for CPR) is good in close quarters.    
I second rebound, Although... I did not know that could be used in self defense! The more you know.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by readertorider on Thu Aug 06, 2015 9:47 pm

I know you don't want to give this guy any more attention, but in light of the trackers it might be worth giving your other employees and/or the people who park their cars in lots near you or your employee's car a discreet heads up that this guy is lurking and show them a picture of this 'dude' (nothing physical where he could potentially get a hold of it) if you haven't already.

Obviously you want to protect your employee's privacy as much as possible, but if people nearby know that this guy isn't a benign person that lives nearby or wants to use your work services or surprise his girlfriend with flowers or accidentally locked himself out of 'his' car it might make you both (and them) a little safer and give you additional witnesses if you need corroboration later down the line.

Nthing reboundstudent and Alex1989 and everyone else that you do sound like an awesome boss and this shithead deserves a lot of things he probably won't get.
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:19 pm

Sooo.....want to hear about something that will shatter your last remaining shard of faith in humanity?

Apparently people are throwing trackers on each other's cars willy nilly. Wives track husbands, husbands track wives, boyfriends and girlfriends track each other, exes track each other, parents track minor kids, adult kids track elderly parents, and pretty much all stalkers in heavy car culture places like AZ use them according to both my mechanic and the PD.

So what I thought was a scary rare occurrence is nothing too weird. I guess the tech got so cheap and readily available everyone is using it. So people are more awful than I thought, but this may not be as Shiny/thrilled a development as I suspected.

readertorider wrote:I know you don't want to give this guy any more attention, but in light of the trackers it might be worth giving your other employees and/or the people who park their cars in lots near you or your employee's car a discreet heads up that this guy is lurking and show them a picture of this 'dude' (nothing physical where he could potentially get a hold of it) if you haven't already.

Obviously you want to protect your employee's privacy as much as possible, but if people nearby know that this guy isn't a benign person that lives nearby or wants to use your work services or surprise his girlfriend with flowers or accidentally locked himself out of 'his' car it might make you both (and them) a little safer and give you additional witnesses if you need corroboration later down the line.

Nthing reboundstudent and Alex1989 and everyone else that you do sound like an awesome boss and this shithead deserves a lot of things he probably won't get.

I keep hoping he gets eaten by a rabid pack of Phoenix's famous feral chihuahuas.

All the employees know because they need to be on the lookout for him. Unfortunately this is not the first problematic ex (if this one can even be called that) my work has dealt with. But that is great advice!


Last edited by reboot on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:23 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by Wondering on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:22 pm

But who else would have put the trackers on your cars?

And how do you even get a tracker? I would have no idea. Though I totally get tracking elderly parents for safety if the tech is cheap.

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Re: Dealing with stalkers

Post by reboot on Thu Aug 06, 2015 11:25 pm

Wondering wrote:But who else would have put the trackers on your cars?

And how do you even get a tracker? I would have no idea. Though I totally get tracking elderly parents for safety if the tech is cheap.

Apparently like everything else, you can get them on Amazon

I guess, theoretically, my ex husband could have done it? If he was not a Luddite
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