form of a blobfish! -- rebounds and not feelin' it

[fakely mctest]

So, as you guys may remember from my month of cruddy luck, I'm relatively newly broken up.  Ex-BF and I dated for almost a year, were in love, got along great, sexually compatible, etc. etc. but we're at different life stages (he's late 20s and I'm mid-30s) and ultimately see our futures differently.  He'd never dated much (FWB and ONS stuff mostly) and went to undergrad and grad school abroad, which, for him, precluded serious relationships.  I was basically his first serious girlfriend, so things that I would call minor differences (the "nice to haves") loomed larger for him: I'm very neat, he's extremely messy (related to his ADHD I think); he hates/may be some level of phobic of cats, I have 2 cats; I need things planned more carefully to manage my anxiety disorder, he finds advance planning anxiety-provoking; he may be getting a job with a top secret security clearance and therefore he would not be allowed to talk to me about what he does unless I also have a top secret clearance.  That last one definitely falls under "DC problems."

(Semi-tangential aside: He DID start using the calendar on his phone to keep track of things when we were dating and I was just unreasonably tickled by that.)

Anyhow, he and I are still on good terms.  For various values of "good terms" that include hanging out and may involve sex on occasion.   The latter is something I am gradually backing away from.  He's still conflicted about the breakup and wonders if he made the right decision, but I've said that he needs to figure out what he wants to do for himself and that coming on to me isn't very nice or fair.

I recently reactivated my OKC account although I'm still feeling a bit tender.  I can't tell whether potentially directing my attention elsewhere is healthy/fair to those guys.  Like, on the one hand, I want to date in good faith because I hated it when I'd go out with a dude and it was super obvious that he wasn't over his ex and he was looking for someone to "fix" that.  On the other, I'm not sure that holeing up in my apartment and binge-watching Netflix until I'm certain I'm over this completely is a great solution either.  

What do you guys think?  My overall emotional reaction to online dating right now is: MEH, but maybe if I make myself do it it won't be that bad?  Or maybe if I just focus on lower emotional impact sorts of things.  I've been volunteering and going to plays mostly.  There are some classes I might want to check out, and I'm planning on going back to my usual Sunday night social club this weekend.  Haven't felt like doing much with that for a while.

The OLD thing might be a moot point, since all the guys I've matched with are…really into Bukowski and city biking, which makes me wary anyhow. I just don't know how to tell the difference between "you are still getting over this, just take it easy" vs. "even in a great state of mind this is a lot of work so just get on with it."

[nearly_takuan]

Didn't totally know/believe it until someone I talked to got me to say it, but it seems obvious now that I have potential to bring some at worst toxic, at best annoying things into any relationship I might try, and the amount of time it may take before that's no longer the case is undefined. So I guess a similar thing has been on my mind recently.

Not as an excuse, but as a consideration when making a decision: everyone's got some nonzero amount of baggage on them, or so I've read. So regardless of where you're at in life, it's important to be able to manage that for yourself and for others. Just having that issue isn't enough to make you automatically a shitty partner, but making them deal with the consequences or otherwise forcing them to share your burdens is a crummy thing to do.

So right now, I have some awareness of what the biggest problems I might cause are. In a way that makes my job of managing them easier: I know what to watch for. As long as I never decide that those things being "part of who I am" is justification for expressing them in shitty ways to people I care about, it's...probably fine?

So much of being an adult is playing by ear.

I would say your case is similar: you know that right now, you still have feelings about your ex. You also know what effects that can have on an attempted relationship, in terms of problematic behavior. So check yourself sometimes. And then find people you can trust to correctly signal you if you're hurting them, so you don't have to worry as much about reading yourself wrong.

Good luck...

[eselle28]

I very much endorse the playing by ear suggestion. You're actually aware of the potential issues affecting your dating, which gives you a whole set of tools and opportunities for tinkering than most people trying to sort out breakups and exes and seeking new relationships.

When you interact with your ex, I think it's a good idea to check on how you're feeling. Is it huge high when you see him followed by an equal low when he leaves? Are you slipping back into old relationship patterns despite the supposed status change? Or does it feel fun and not too intense, and is he respecting the (very wise) boundary you set about him figuring out things for himself?

I'd say all that applies even more strongly to online dating. I think it's worth fiddling around with it for a couple more weeks. If, in that time, you're still feeling or even just about the guys there, I think you can take it as a message from your subconscious that you're not really up for dating yet. There are times when I think it's worth it for people to really intentionally put themselves out there and go on dates even when they're not super excited about the process, but immediately post-breakup isn't one of those times. If, on the other hand, you see someone who really fascinates you, then I don't think the fact that your life isn't completely simple should be a barrier. I'd be sort of surprised if every single person you might interact with on OkCupid has a completely simple life.

[kath]

I think the social club is a great idea, and maybe finding a special interest one to check out, or one of the "try fun things in real life" clubs. In my city there's a meetup group where it's aimed at singles, but you go out to events and I think they pair you up (I've never done it, they're coming to the Adult Night which I plan at the science centre I work at, so that's how I found out about it).

I think volunteering and classes feel a little different than "I'm just checking out this fun thing with some other people I am varying levels of familiar with" - because you are Doing a Thing, and I can find it hard to focus on socializing when I have responsibilities. And with plays, I guess it depends if you're going alone, with people you know well, or some other combo of people (or if you go to plays alone in a place where you are somewhat likely to run into an acquaintance at the play).

Er, that's not to say don't online date at the same time.

[Gentleman Johnny]

Fakely,
I remember DC problems! I just don't miss them. My favorite one is the naivete of outsiders in assuming that there's one set of directions to get from point A to poitn B that doesn't vary with day of the week, time of day and weather conditions!

Anyway, on the dating front, I have two thoughts. First, the "fuck yes theory of dating" based on an article of the same title. Ask yourself if you want to date a guy on OKC. If your response to that particular guy is any less than "fuck yes!", don't bother. That way you know you're doing it because of actual interest in a person not just to avoid sitting at home watching Netflix. Second, set your profile to "short term dating" and "new friends" only. You don't necessarily have to come out and say "I'm kinda on the rebound and not ready for anything serious" but don't give people any reason to think you're on the hunt for your last partner, either.

[fakely mctest]

Ahhh. I seem to be in a period where I drop a question on you guys and then run out of steam emotionally for responses. Sorry!

Went to a concert last Saturday and met a guy: that's good.
Stayed over at his place: all is well.
Planned for a date today: okay let's do this, especially as he made reservations (which the guys I date never do. Ugh I get so tired of planning sometimes. )
Text yesterday evening: "I'm a mess, my life is in a bad place. I can't do this, I fucked up. Sorry."

Meanwhile, I went to my ex's birthday thing at a bar. Nice people. Ran into a friend(?) -- very acerbic, hard to tell -- I hadn't seen in a while. Got the ex home safe and he's drunkenly telling me how much he loves me. So: bittersweet. But he seems to be allowing for the possibility that things could change once he gets this job (lengthy background check in progress) and moves into a new place.

I am trying to decide how much weight to accord this. Mostly I have a couple OKC prospects in various stages of meet-up planning. I seem to have reached an age where I am contacted most frequently by:

a) married dudes
b) clothed dudes with no-head pictures (AKA PROBABLY MARRIED)
c) naked torsos that took a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ended up on OKC not Fetlife (they are always ALWAYS doms as well, which gets the side-eye as I suspect some of them are looking for subs who aren't as experienced in boundary setting)

I am going to dig a hole in the bottom of the sea and crawl into it. Perhaps!

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