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Post by LEOGfan on Sat Aug 22, 2015 6:52 pm

Hello my Fellow nerdlovers!!! , I was wondering if I could get some help here about something ,please comment if you have any opinion on the matter , because i really need your feedback in this situation because I don’t really want to ask it on reddit haha
So I’m a 21 year old virgin male and don’t have much experience in the dating area , my friend who had the same predicament downloaded tinder and got laid out of the blue , so a year later I have downloaded the app and I’m getting plenty of matches (more than my friend in fact, and prettier girls) but the thing is that I see my friend get into a more sexual conversation pretty fast with the girls and while I’m getting to know pretty well a lot of this girls I’m not getting to the place where i want. So my questions are : am I too nice? Am I wrong to be interested in my matches and should go straight to see if they wanna bang? If so , what would be subtler ways to get the conversation and relationship to a more sexual place? And finally, how do I tell wich girls are more down to have sex than others ?
Please comment if you have ANY opinion on the matter , I would really like to know what to do .thanks

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Post by nearly_takuan on Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:31 pm

First: what are you trying to do? Are you looking for quickies, casual sex partners (aka "FWB") or the whole dating->sex->relationship->etc escalator?

I don't believe the problem is being "too nice". But your behavior should match what you're looking for. It sounds like what your friend is looking for is just sex, and for that pretty much anyone with lady-parts will do—provided what they are looking for is "pretty much anyone with man-parts". And in that case, his tactic of skipping to the sex talk works, because it quickly filters out the women who aren't looking to have sex with him and identifies the ones who are.

So, that also answers how to tell which girls are more down to have sex than others: the ones who respond well to "wanna bang?" are down to have sex, and the ones who don't aren't. Takes all kinds.

If you care about what kind of person they are, though, and you're looking for someone who will care about what kind of person you are, you'd want to continue to signal that by asking interested questions and talking about interesting things. And that's harder and leaves a lot more room for screwing up or finding out partway through that you aren't as compatible as you'd like, so things will go slower.
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Post by Guest on Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:57 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:First: what are you trying to do? Are you looking for quickies, casual sex partners (aka "FWB") or the whole dating->sex->relationship->etc escalator?

I don't believe the problem is being "too nice". But your behavior should match what you're looking for. It sounds like what your friend is looking for is just sex, and for that pretty much anyone with lady-parts will do—provided what they are looking for is "pretty much anyone with man-parts". And in that case, his tactic of skipping to the sex talk works, because it quickly filters out the women who aren't looking to have sex with him and identifies the ones who are.

So, that also answers how to tell which girls are more down to have sex than others: the ones who respond well to "wanna bang?" are down to have sex, and the ones who don't aren't. Takes all kinds.

If you care about what kind of person they are, though, and you're looking for someone who will care about what kind of person you are, you'd want to continue to signal that by asking interested questions and talking about interesting things. And that's harder and leaves a lot more room for screwing up or finding out partway through that you aren't as compatible as you'd like, so things will go slower.

In my experience with Tinder it's all been bots preying on lonely and nobody looking for hookups. Maybe one or two women I've matched with were actually real but I don't know how to escalate or they drop off the map or immediately unmatch.

I just don't wanna end up on some creepers of tinder tumblr or whatever, so I know what not to do based off other tumblrs like that, but not really.

As for OP, he's lucky he's getting any matches at all.

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Post by LEOGfan on Sat Aug 22, 2015 7:59 pm

Getting laid would be nice , but I don't want to be the asshole that asks to fuck immediately after they match either haha , is there a more subtle way to know if they're down?

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Post by LEOGfan on Sat Aug 22, 2015 8:03 pm

The Mikey wrote:

In my experience with Tinder it's all been bots preying on lonely and nobody looking for hookups. Maybe one or two women I've matched with were actually real but I don't know how to escalate or they drop off the map or immediately unmatch.

I just don't wanna end up on some creepers of tinder tumblr or whatever, so I know what not to do based off other tumblrs like that, but not really.

As for OP, he's lucky he's getting any matches at all.

Actually , so far I got 25 matches with real women haha

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Post by Enail on Sat Aug 22, 2015 8:08 pm

<mod> Mikey, please give the Forum Guidelines, the Basics #7 a read. If someone's posting with a problem, they don't need to hear that they're lucky to have that problem. Thanks!</mod>

I don't think "being too nice" is ever a problem, and seeing nice and more sexually forward as opposites seems like an attitude that might be getting in your way. I doubt just straight-up saying "wanna fuck" first off is likely to be effective, though. If you give us an idea how you're currently starting off, it might be easier for people here to give suggestions on how to move things in a more sexual direction and to leave room for the other party to give you an idea if they're interested in that.
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Post by LEOGfan on Sat Aug 22, 2015 8:23 pm

Hey man!! I remember you from the old forums , it brings me back haha . I usually start asking what do they study , or making a comment about something in their bio if they have one. I've mostly matched with artistic types (actress, fotopgraphers, gamers, movie buffs) so I can pretty easily make a conversation about interest on what they like , then as the days go on I ask about their day and shit hahah

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Post by Guest on Sat Aug 22, 2015 9:47 pm

Enail wrote:<mod> Mikey, please give the Forum Guidelines, the Basics #7 a read. If someone's posting with a problem, they don't need to hear that they're lucky to have that problem. Thanks!</mod>

I don't think "being too nice" is ever a problem, and seeing nice and more sexually forward as opposites seems like an attitude that might be getting in your way. I doubt just straight-up saying "wanna fuck" first off is likely to be effective, though. If you give us an idea how you're currently starting off, it might be easier for people here to give suggestions on how to move things in a more sexual direction and to leave room for the other party to give you an idea if they're interested in that.

Ah, I'm sorry. I was in Eeyore mode and didn't realize it.

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Post by readertorider on Sun Aug 23, 2015 10:42 am

Since you're asking for any thoughts/opinions Wink:

-Since you and your friend are presumably in the same demographic (same age, same location, similar background, etc.) the fact that you're seeing different women makes me think that your profiles/pictures are signalling different things. My blind guess is that you're presenting as someone interested in dating and your friend is presenting as someone interested in one night stand type situations. There could be a host of other reasons (I know nothing about either of your profiles) but if your friend's pictures tend to focus on his uncovered chest he's doing a lot to signal "has abs/penis looking for breasts/vagina" which affects who self-selects into his Tinder-pool and likely what type of chatting they're open to.

-Please don't message anything which mentions a person's specific body part and what you'd like to do to that body part. Not as a first message and not later without explicit invitations. Maybe 1 in 10 people would respond well, but 9 others would probably feel uncomfortable and please don't be a person that is OK with other people feeling uncomfortable as long as it doesn't impact you.

-Meet up in person soonish if you can. Invitations back to your place or kissing or whatever are clearer in person when everyone has a chance to read everyone else's body language.

-I'm guessing that people do have a basic "what I'm looking for section"--let that guide you in who you pursue.

-When escalating things over text I personally would prefer something like "can I ask what you're wearing?" if I mention getting ready for bed or a particular event because there are a lot of optional responses--if I want to make things sexy I can describe underwear/nude, if I want to ignore the subtext I can, if I want to tell you about some aspect of myself as it relates to something I'm wearing I can do that, if I like you but am not ready to acknowledge your interest in my body I can be ridiculous. (Actually I'll probably be ridiculous anyway because that's how I'm wired and I'm not that great at thinking up pick-up lines). Obviously everyone is very different, but I think the key is to show you're open to more explicit conversation without forcing it on the other person (for a penis picture for instance there's only so many responses that can't be covered by "Gross/inappropriate", "Yes!", and "<medical/scientific question/observation>").
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Post by eselle28 on Sun Aug 23, 2015 1:16 pm

Even though Tinder has a reputation as a hookup app, it's actually a mixed bag. Some people there are looking for dating, some are looking for sex, and others are just there to look at pictures and profiles. The fact that your friend found one of the women looking for sex and that you have not doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong - sometimes that's just the odds.

I think that talking about sex right off the bat can work for some men, especially ones who are either comfortable sexting or who are using sexting as a screening device and are okay with the fact that it will turn off some of their matches. If you're not comfortable sexting, then I'd suggest you not skip right to that. Instead, I'd say you might want to make conversation for a few messages and then suggest meeting in person.
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Post by LEOGfan on Sun Aug 23, 2015 2:28 pm

eselle28 wrote:Even though Tinder has a reputation as a hookup app, it's actually a mixed bag. Some people there are looking for dating, some are looking for sex, and others are just there to look at pictures and profiles. The fact that your friend found one of the women looking for sex and that you have not doesn't necessarily mean you've done something wrong - sometimes that's just the odds.

I think that talking about sex right off the bat can work for some men, especially ones who are either comfortable sexting or who are using sexting as a screening device and are okay with the fact that it will turn off some of their matches. If you're not comfortable sexting, then I'd suggest you not skip right to that. Instead, I'd say you might want to make conversation for a few messages and then suggest meeting in person.

Hey I remember you too from the old forums (: , thank you for your advice . Specially cause I really think the odds are on my friends favor , cause he always like : yeah my new tinder match is a really slutty chick and she talks about how many guys she banged on the weekend and I'm like : Where do this girls come from?!!! , he doesn't even get that many matches , i probably got double the number !!
Sorry for this mini rant , it's just that my friends always put me down cause I say stuff like : yeah that girl is pretty cute instead of : look at those tits!! And for not really think like a misogynistic dick. And since im the only virgin in the group it only enforces that mentality , I wanna prove that you can be a nice guy and still get laid dammit!!! Haha

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Post by jcorozza on Sun Aug 23, 2015 10:26 pm

LEOGfan wrote:cause he always like : yeah my new tinder match is a really slutty chick and she talks about how many guys she banged on the weekend and I'm like : Where do this girls come from?!!!

Um, your friend sounds like kind of a dick.
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Post by LEOGfan on Mon Aug 24, 2015 3:04 am

jcorozza wrote:
LEOGfan wrote:cause he always like : yeah my new tinder match is a really slutty chick and she talks about how many guys she banged on the weekend and I'm like : Where do this girls come from?!!!

Um, your friend sounds like kind of a dick.

He kind of is , but really he is just a product of our society , he can be a genuinely good person when has to be

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Post by Perlandra on Fri Aug 28, 2015 12:43 am

If he only acts good when he has to be, it doesn't sound genuine. Sad

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Post by Caffeinated on Fri Aug 28, 2015 10:51 am

Perlandra wrote:If he only acts good when he has to be, it doesn't sound genuine. Sad

I've run into a certain category of dudes that are totally fine, good people, etc, in almost every circumstance that has to do with other dudes, but have the one glaring exception when it come to the ladies (or at least when it comes to women who are in their perceived romantic/sexual interest group, they're mostly fine with mom or grandma or whoever).

It's a weird thing, but I've seen it enough to think it's a common cultural tic.
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