I went out with a fat chick and im embarrased, what to do?

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Post by LEOGfan on Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:39 pm

Hi , right off The bat i wanna say I'm sorry for the click bait tittle , but I really think it's necessary so that you guys can really give me the online punishment I rightfully deserve, but first I wanna tell the story :

I was on tinder for like a week and I matched with this gorgeous photographer with a geeky look and I was so happy , I somehow managed to hit it off with her and got her number , we texted for 3 weeks and I really managed to get her to open up to me and talk about her problems and we connected and I reaaally like this girl,2 days after I got her number I checked her Instagram and I saw she was heavier than she looked I her tinder pics , but you could only tell in like one or two pics but I didn't mentioned it to her cause I didn't care , I just wanted to be with this cool girl that I met online , then the subject came up and she said she has a thyroid problem but she is under treatment and she told me that although she has like 400 matches in tinder after guys find out she is fat they stop talking to her , but I told her I didn't care , and we skyped , and you could see how happy she was that I didn't t cared about her weight . So I set up a quick meeting cause I really wanted to see her face to face , and she told me It didn't matter cause once I saw her in person I would never talk to her again but I was sure I wouldn't care ....

But I saw her , and she was sooo fat , I'm talking bordering on beating Melissa McCarthy , she looked 5 times heavier than any pic , and I did my best in trying to not show my disappointment and I think she didn't noticed , and we walked and I saw a guy I know , not a friend by I knew him and I thought thank god he didn't saw me , and then it hit me : I was embarrassed to be seen with her ,she was as tall as me and was way wider than me and I'm a big guy , I was fat but than I went to the gym , lost aloot of weight and gained a lot of muscle , so that saying something and she was really cool and than she told me that out of everybody she met on tinder she has only seen 4 guy in a person , including me and two friends of her from childhood which meant I was special

So I really need everyone in this community to tell me what a piece of shit I am , cause I feel so fucking guilty that I'm not man enough to suck it up and held hands with this amazing girl cause she is soo fucking heavy and I'm really pissed , why can't I get past it , why did she had to be like this , I was so happy that I found her and I don't even care overweight girls but she went way over the limit , and I was really fat too and she is in treatment and in boxing and dieting so she will probably lose the weight eventually and looked like the beautiful girl on her pics , but if cant be seen with Her when she is obese I don't think I'll deserve her when she loses the weight , and I wanted to prove that I could be different than the guys that simply stopped taking to her without notice and now she really likes me and I'm to much of a pussy to make her feel bad
So please insult me all you want , I deserve it , I want it , I need it
And if you guys are baning me , let me know in advance please

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Mon Sep 07, 2015 1:59 pm

Stop self-flagellating. This isn't any different than not being attracted to someone because of a haircut or crooked teeth or whatever(fatphobia is a part of lookism, after all). You're allowed to be shallow provided you don't throw a hissyfit if people reject you for shallow reasons in return. You didn't make an asshole out of yourself, and you don't know how much of this shit is social conditioning or simply not having sexual chemistry in person. I've dated an overweight dudette whose weight I didn't really react to in any positive or negative way, while being yucked out by muffin tops on gals who had a much more conventionally attractive fat ratio, for lack of a better term. If this becomes a pattern, then you can start working on the dating-at-other-people issue.

Just cut it off. You don't need to give a reason, but have a clear one that is truthfully part of the equation just in case(timetables, better matches, if a woman would use it to cushion a man's ego, it's valid). The fact that you're treating this as a referendum on the worth of your personality has already tainted the whole process: I certainly wouldn't want to date anyone who is trying to prove something to him/herself by dating me. Maybe if you met in meatspace circumstances after knowing each other for a longer period of time that would fly, but this is OLD, not Shallow Hal. Discomfort can be productive in examining if your preferences are prejudiced, but we treat these moments as a spectacular insight on their own instead of only noteworthy if they're part of a pattern.

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Post by Guest on Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:08 pm

Huuuoh.

Well.

I think it's worth noting that you're aware of your own bias. It's hard for me to say you were being a jerk when clearly you were super cool to her. So, if you want my advice get to know her more and don't be embarrassed by her because THAT is fucked up. On the other hand, don't string her along if you don't like her, that's also cruel.

As far as I'm concerned, doesn't sound like you were being too much of a jerk.

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Post by Enail on Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:11 pm

If you're not attracted to her, then you shouldn't date her.  No one deserves someone who is only dating them for some possible future version of themselves, and no one deserves to be with someone who is embarrassed to be seen with them.

It sounds like she's trying to date as that 'possible future self' by using picture that don't reflect her current appearance, and it doesn't sound like it's working out very well for her, but you will not make it better by sticking around while being ashamed and unattracted to her, and that wouldn't be something you would owe her even if it would.

I agree with BasedBuzzed, let her down kindly, as you would for anyone else.

BTW, LEOGFan, using "pussy" as an insult is kind of insulting to women, since it's equating female genitals with cowardice. Could you please avoid that in the future?
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Post by eselle28 on Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:31 pm

1. You met someone you'd only known online, she didn't look as you'd expected her to, and you weren't attracted to her. That's fine. It happens all the time, sometimes even when people look exactly like their pictures. The gracious thing to do is to politely let her know you don't see things working out between the two of you and move on. She deserves to date someone who's interested in her, even if that means she'll be looking for a long time, and you deserve to date someone you're interested in, even if that means the same for you.

2. I think that when you're feeling a bit more steady, you might want to do some thinking about the shame aspect of this, because I do think there's often some bias in that in a way that goes beyond a lack of attraction. One starting point might be to think about whether you'd be embarrassed to be seen in the same situation with a platonic friend or a woman who was interviewing you for a job, and if your reaction is different, what the differences in how others perceived you might be. Going back to my first point, you shouldn't do this work while you're in contact with her. Move on and let her do the same, and do any consideration of your feelings after the fact.

3. In the future, could you try to phrase your posts a little more neutrally? We have lots of threads where people describe a situation and ask what to do, but when it gets phrased as a request to be yelled at (or to otherwise be made to feel a certain way) it's asking other people to take a lot of responsibility for your feelings.
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Post by LEOGfan on Mon Sep 07, 2015 2:47 pm

Ok enail and eselle, im take your suggestions on my phrasing of the words and posts next time

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Post by LEOGfan on Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:17 pm

Ps: I didn't really said I wasn't attracted to her , but ashamed to be seen in public with her wich is why I think I'm a piece of shit

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Post by Werel on Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:28 pm

First, this monologue, especially from about 3:40 on the shame aspect:



That embarrassment to be seen with her? Yeah, that's shitty, and you know it. It takes a lot of work to get past it, and a lot of that work is about (see above monologue) not feeling overly protective of your place in the imaginary sexual hierarchy. If you were able to own your choices--to say to anyone you know, "yeah, I like this girl, and that fact is not reflective of my own value in any way*" and mean it--you'd be most of the way there.

*Because giving yourself props for liking/dating a fat girl is just as bad.

But I agree that it's no big deal to meet someone on OLD, meet up, and find there's no physical spark. The right thing to do would be to say thanks but this isn't going anywhere, move on, and let her find somebody who's interested in her as-is. And I think you're not wrong to feel a little bad--not because you're shallow, or doing something wrong, or otherwise at fault, but because feeling a little bad after rejecting someone (for something which they suffer for mightily every day of their lives, and which you yourself can identify with the pain of) shows that your empathy unit is in working condition.

I do want to do a little chin-stroking about this bit:
LEOGfan wrote: I really managed to get her to open up to me and talk about her problems
I'm wondering why you took that approach-- when you're getting ready to meet somebody for a date, and you're not sure if you'll even like each other, why is your tactic to "get them to open up" so early? Why are you fishing for her problems as one of the earliest topics of conversation? In a worst-case reading, it almost sounds like an insurance policy: she's now emotionally vulnerable to you, and you've got some dirt on her soft spots, which gives you a little upper hand in the eventual meeting. If nothing that sinister, it seems like a reflexive safety tactic by somebody who feels iffy about what they've got to offer: "hey, I may think I'm a piece of crap, but any piece of crap can be a crying shoulder! I am creating a situation where I have value!" I may be way off and you just really enjoy talking to people about their problems, but diving right into it that fast, with somebody you think you might want to date, seems like a choice worth poking at a little.
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Post by LEOGfan on Mon Sep 07, 2015 4:52 pm

@Werel
I love that episode of Louie and I thought:"I don't think I would react that way in that situation , I would be brave like Louie at the end" so I re watched that monologue last nite to see if I think that way know .

The problem stuff just sort of came out because I'm genuinely interested in getting to know people and sometimes that get people to open up to me independently that if want them to or not , but bu no means is that a dating approach, it just came up

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Post by jcorozza on Mon Sep 07, 2015 11:53 pm

LEOGfan wrote:Ps: I didn't really said I wasn't  attracted to her , but ashamed to be seen in public with her wich is why I think I'm a piece of shit

So, as a fat woman (not loving "fat chick"), this is...a big fear for me. I think there are a lot more guys out there find heavier women attractive, but you wouldn't know because they are afraid of what people will say if they date one (or of being seen, etc.) When surveyed about what people's biggest anxieties on a blind date were, women were afraid of being killed/raped, and men were afraid the woman would be fat. So, this is pretty common. They'd have to be seen at a restaurant with a fat woman. Which would be THE WORST.

I think it's good that you're trying to examine this, because it is very different than just "I'm not attracted". Something to think about: what is it that you think others are thinking about you if they see you on a date with a fat woman?
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Post by lonelyoffices on Wed Sep 09, 2015 2:23 pm

You're being self aware in questioning where your feelings are coming from and whether they mean what you think they mean. Nothing shitty about that so no need for anyone here to give you a hard time.

I think you may find it useful to look at your use of language here for a possible clue as to why, or how, you find it embarrassing to be seen with a woman you, on some level, are comfortable thinking of as a "fat chick". Your references to women and to sex in both threads you've started have been pretty inconsiderate in my opinion. I don't get the impression that you're being a dick (well, you kind of are, but maybe without knowing it), but I wonder if you simply don't carefully consider what you say about women and the impact your words might have on them. If that's true, knowing why would benefit you, and being more thoughtful about the language you use would be a good idea.


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Post by reboundstudent on Wed Sep 09, 2015 4:40 pm

jcorozza wrote:When surveyed about what people's biggest anxieties on a blind date were, women were afraid of being killed/raped, and men were afraid the woman would be fat.

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Post by LEOGfan on Thu Sep 10, 2015 2:10 am

@lonelyoffices

Hello, could you tell me what on the previous post came across as me being a dick? I would like to know , and me saying fat chick is two things : 1 . English is not my native language and sometimes i just use idioms I find in TV shows and movies and 2. I wanted the tittle to be flame bait worthy , to receive the punishment I deserv

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Thu Sep 10, 2015 4:03 am

The problem with flamebaity language is that it affects more people than just you. Especially it affects the people you describe, the very people you're ashamed about shaming. The same goes for the pretty colorful way describe the way your date looks.

Now, you posted about this hopi g to change your behavior, and if you're interested in looking into yourself (which is harder, but more productive than receiving punishment), one thing to consider might be if you're maybe making this thing that happened more about you and your shame about what happend and less about the other people affected? Another question is if maybe your reaction isn't 100% about being seen with that person – the way you describe her might suggest your have some own ideas about her looks as well.
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Post by lonelyoffices on Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:03 pm

LEOGfan wrote:@lonelyoffices

Hello, could you tell me what on the previous post came across as me being a dick? I would like to know , and me saying fat chick is two things : 1 . English is not my native language and sometimes i just use idioms I find in TV shows and movies and 2. I wanted the tittle to be flame bait worthy , to receive the punishment I deserv

In your first thread, your friend said something like, "I'm finding all these slutty girls on tinder who talk about all the guys they bang", and your thought was, "where are these girls?" Now really, since you're looking to have sex and you're apparently open about that being your goal, there's nothing dickish about the content of what you said. But your use of the word "slutty", even when it's the language your friend used, caught my attention. If you're not aware, the word "slut" gets used to put down women who are sexually active. At least for me and I suspect other people here, that word jumped out from the page. You could have made your point by saying that your friend is finding all these girls interested in having sex.........the words matter. Especially here, where the active commenters are at least 50% women.


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Post by Fraulein42 on Fri Sep 11, 2015 11:20 am

I'm going to be blunt.

If you ARE attracted to her, and the *only* issue is that you are "ashamed of being seen in public with her"

Then yes, you're an asshole. No one else has said it, I'm going to say it.

If there's no attraction that's one thing, but the idea that you really like this girl, ARE attracted to her, but would reinforce the very fears she entrusted you with knowing because of other people is really shit.
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