People who need validation.... Lots of it

Go down

People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:22 am

I am dealing with a handful of staff and some external colleagues who seem to need (to me) a really high amount of validation for their work and (since we are international hires living in a somewhat isolated area and thus socialize a lot) outside of work. Do not get me wrong, they are good at their jobs and fun to be with, but they seem really bothered by the fact that I do not praise their every action.

My problem is that it does not occur to me to praise someone for doing a routine task well every time someone does it. On occasion, like once every few weeks, yes, I will say someone is doing a good job at the routine stuff, but it feels fake to me to make a big deal out of every little thing, like I am talking to a dog or a toddler. Moreover, the fact that you still have a job shows I like your work. If I did not, you would be fired. It feels more natural to praise in the moment actions that are above and beyond and periodically praise overall work quality. Socially I find it even more vexing, because my not saying I like the game you picked/your outfit/your story does not mean I dislike it. It just did not break my praise threshold. I like it, but did not feel "WOW!". My continuing to play the game or laughing at the story should show I like it, especially because everyone has seen me stop doing things I do not like and giving negative opinions of stories before.

Part of the conflict probably stems from me coming from a no praise background (I do not think my parents ever praise or praised me for anything), so I need some advice to balance their needs with my nature in a way that will not tire me out (this is a high stress posting). Trying to remember to praise everyone all day is tiring to me because it is unnatural, distracts me from my work, and takes time I do not have.

Advice appreciated!
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by KMR on Thu Sep 10, 2015 10:40 am

At my job, whenever I turn in a project or at the end of a meeting with my research team, my boss says something along the lines of: "Thank you for your continued hard work." It's simple and effective, and even though it doesn't directly praise the quality of the work, it still seems to imply it (to me, at least). Maybe that kind of phrasing would feel more natural/genuine for you to use as somewhat-regular praise than continually trying to find some variation of "good job."
avatar
KMR

Posts : 153
Reputation : 101
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Enail on Thu Sep 10, 2015 11:23 am

I worked with someone like that in a semi-supervisory role to him, and, similar to KMR's suggestion, I found it helped to just by default say something like "awesome, thanks," when I was checking over or making use of work he'd completed. To me, it felt more like a very cheerful general attitude or a social ritual similar to small talk rather than actual praise (which I also dislike giving constantly), but to him it seemed to read as validation. That seems like it could work in a social situation, too, just some kind of positive inserted into a normal "oh, you chose the game, that works" kind of acknowledgement?

avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3732
Reputation : 1988
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:30 pm

Thanks you two! I am going to try that.

What I am running into is a need for personalized praise. For example, tonight we had our daily staff debrief and I congratulated the group on their amazing work, but the praise was directed to the team, with some individual highlights for people that went above and beyond. 1-2 of the folks that were not individually named asked me for individual praise. I told them they were doing just fine, but I think it bugged them that they were not praised by name in front of the group (3 out of 11 got shout outs because they were super badass today). In my mind, though, they were part of the amazing team, but did not do the extra bit that kicked it to shout out territory. Today, however, they might be named for stellar work and they have had shout outs in the past, including 3 days ago for one of them.

Should I stop publicly acknowledging individuals in team meetings and keep it to the biweekly 1:1 meetings? But part of the reason I do it is so the rest of the team can see the often invisible work that makes everything work better.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Enail on Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:36 pm

Hmm... I would say it's a bit of a shame not to single out deserving people to the group, but I can't see any way around that upsetting the people who want validation every time, it sounds like it'd be a trade-off either way. How is it coming up that they want more validation?
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3732
Reputation : 1988
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 10, 2015 12:53 pm

In the workplace, usually seeking me out after I have praised the work of others And asking how they are doing or asking how they did with something specific. Socially it is somewhat similar in that if I compliment one person, I get compliment fished by the five (3 on my team, 2 in another org) that need validation. It makes it kind of odd in both settings because if I praise them as much as they want, then I will be praising them far more than the rest of the people, which is going to start feeling favoritism-y. And I just do not have it in me to be constantly having to come up with new compliments for everyone all the time to keep everything equal.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Wondering on Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:06 pm

I think these people sound unreasonably needy, honestly. I have never had a boss praise me constantly. I think such an expectation is very odd. I don't think you should stop calling out people individually in group meetings for work that's above an beyond. They deserve that.

Have you thought about having a 1:1 with the needy people and telling them that you approve of their work and they should assume that you do unless you say something to the contrary? Because, in addition to what you've already said, it sounds like it's negatively impacting your ability to get your work done because you're spending time and energy on this.

Just out of curiosity, are these people very young?

_________________
-Nevertheless, she persisted

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:14 pm

You know, you are right, Wondering, I should talk to them and explain my style. I always assume people can pick it up by watching me/experience being with me, but that is a big assumption.

They are all under 30. The youngest is probably 23-25 and the oldest 28/29.

I guess my biggest dilemma is that I do not want to devalue my praise/compliments and make them formulaic platitudes. When I do it, I want to mean it and have it be something other than background noise blah blah.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Wondering on Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:27 pm

I agree. If I had a boss praise everything I did and everything everyone else on the team did, that praise would become meaningless to me.

I also agree that what you're describing seems like how you'd talk to your dog or your toddler. But even with a toddler, you don't constantly praise routine things. When she was 3 months old, we praised our baby for lifting her head. We don't do that anymore. Now it's expected.

I am not surprised by their age. Under 30 is what I was imagining in my head.

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Thu Sep 10, 2015 1:56 pm

To be fair, they are only slightly younger than the ones that are more my praise style. I think the lower age in that group is 25/26 and the upper is 30-33 or so. It did just occur to me all the praise seekers are white and American and the teams are maybe 40% white and 15-20% American, so there might be something cultural going on here. My team back home is a similar age cohort, but maybe 80-90% foreign born, so I do not have too much experience working with native born Americans.

Workplace-wise, I really just want everyone to feel valued because they are all good without feeling like a compliment ATM. Socially, I want the people I like to know I like them so that they can truly destress when we get a chance to unwind.

Anyone have any suggested scripts for addressing this in 1:1 meetings? And should I also address it when I am out of my boss hat and we are socializing? Or will people carry the concept into the social sphere?
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Dan_Brodribb on Thu Sep 10, 2015 3:50 pm

The read I'm getting from you is that to be you want to be a good  that members of your team seem to be looking for more validation than you feel you should have to or have the energy to give them. You also want praise from you to mean something and don't want to devalue it or feel like you are treating them like children. You're also concerned about the the appearance of favoritism. You're also conscious that you come from a low-praise environment and are aware that shapes your thinking. Is that close or have I missed anything?

What I'm curious about is what your team thinks about the whole situation.

For example, in your post about the team debrief, I was unsure if they looking for more praise in general or are they looking for more public praise? What are they looking to gain from the praise? That they are doing their jobs well? Are they seeking reassurance? That others see them as competent? Do they secretly have a betting pool going and are keeping score?

So I'm wondering what their read on things is. Is there a way you could investigate that?

The other thing that strikes me is that while you've outlined your reasons for not wanting to overpraise, it seems like this feedback is coming from more than one person. So a question that might come up for me in your situation is whether this is the case of something with that particular group (they're a clique or they're competing with each other) or if the fact it's coming from more than one person might be a sign that there's room for some self-examination.


* * *

Just to use myself as an example...

I also come from a low-praise background. I have internalized the attitude that "I shouldn't have to praise people for doing things they should be expected to do." I've decided I don't like the results of that attitude either with my relationships or how it affects me internally. I feel a subtle...miserliness. Like I have a finite amount of appreciation and I must save it up only for moments I deem worthy of it less I--I don't know--run out or something.

I also grew up in a family where you were expected to 'earn' any praise you got. But the person doling out the praise got to decide what was praiseworthy and what wasn't. So there was this feeling of constantly trying and failing to live up to someone else's often unspoken standards. I felt like I was never good enough and I still have that feeling.

But even if I didn't like it, I've found it affects the way I seek validation/approval in some relationships (feeling I have to 'earn' everything rather than have someone just care for me) and constantly am seeking feedback for who I am. But I've also noticed that when I'm in the power position, I have that same internal tendency to want to with-hold--be the Approval Judge.

So reading your story, I could relate to your team wanting approval--but I could also relate to being in your position and being resistant to giving it away willy-nilly. Where I come from praise and Approval is Valuable Shit and needs to be dispensed out carefully and I need to monitor how much of it and to who, when, under what circumstances and weigh what one person is getting vs everybody else.

But I don't think that's true and I don't think that type of relationship with giving and receiving praise is doing me any good. So I'm looking for ways to redefine that relationship.

One thing that has really helped  is building the habit of saying "thank you" to people, even for small things. Many people appreciate it, but even going beyond how other people react, it's a reminder to myself not to take things or people for granted. It also reminds me that I am not going to 'run out' of gratitude or appreciation. If anything, it's the opposite.

It's not necessarily an effusive compliment, but people seem to appreciate it. As another bonus I've started to notcie that even in a stressful environment, it's surprising how many things I've found to appreciate or be grateful for, so it's become a helpful  "burn-out buster."

_________________
My blogs: Dating: http://thegatewayboyfriend.blogspot.ca
Movies, TV, and Videogames: http://thecompassionatedegenerate.blogspot.ca

Dan_Brodribb
Roving Moderator

Posts : 139
Reputation : 99
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Wondering on Thu Sep 10, 2015 7:27 pm

I think, Dan, that you've conflated three different things in your response.:Thanks/appreciation, approval, and praise. These are not the same things, and I think it's a bit problematic to treat them as if they are, though I do see them emotionally related and intertwined and understand how that conflation happens.

I think that people should pretty much always be thanked for work they've done. That's not the same, necessarily, as always approving of work they've done, and it's certainly different from praise. Reboot has described these same people who seek specific praise at work as also fishing for compliments in social situations. This isn't just a behavior that's related to work.

Reboot, being the only one of us here in the situation of course, will have to determine if these folks are just looking to be thanked (it doesn't sound like it, but I could be wrong), if they need constant approval (which to me is something that a manager also shouldn't have to give; managers aren't parents), or if they're wanting her to go above and beyond her job (IMO) and praise them constantly for routine tasks.

I have what are likely unpopular attitudes about praise and the praise culture that I feel has developed in the US over the past few decades. I think that people are praised for routine things too often. From childhood. And I think it's led to all sorts of entitled expectations in many younger adults. Such as, when I was teaching college, students expecting an A as the grade for meeting minimum requirements instead of the grade for exceeding expectations. People giving standing ovations at public events for everything, thus taking the meaning out of standing ovations; standing ovations now seem to be the basic expectation instead of standard applause. And, more on the topic of this forum, people assuming and expecting to get a partner for being a basic good person (not a rapist or a creep); an issue that we talk about here and on the blog fairly often. So, when I said earlier that I wasn't surprised at the age range of the people reboot is talking about, this is what I was thinking; it fit my experience.

How she deals with this, of course, is up to her. And I'm sorry, reboot, that I have no script suggestions for these discussions. I am a blunt person, sometimes to the point of tactlessness, and could never navigate the waters of diplomacy that you must in your line of work. I would likely end up asking them if they were concerned about their job performance and assuring them that they didn't need to be just because I wasn't calling them out for special attention every time. I assume you have some sort of performance review process in your job where you do tell folks what they do well and what they need to work on.

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Enail on Thu Sep 10, 2015 9:42 pm

Hmm, this is tricky. I rather agree with Wondering, that what they seem to want is more than it's reasonable to expect you to provide.  

I feel pretty unqualified to suggest any kind of script, since I'm neither very diplomatic nor have much management experience, but I've found that people who are prone to insecurity or neediness tend to respond well to clear statements about what they can expect from you and vice versa, and consistency in following through. So I'd definitely agree with the idea of giving them an explicit explanation of your management style, and especially make it clear that they can rely on you to give them feedback in the moment if there are any problems.  

My instinct leans towards seeing how that goes in the workplace before bringing anything up in the social sphere, since they may carry it over on their own, and seeing how it goes at work might give you a better idea what will be effective socially.
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3732
Reputation : 1988
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by sky on Fri Sep 11, 2015 1:10 am

Enail wrote:... I've found that people who are prone to insecurity or neediness tend to respond well to clear statements about what they can expect from you and vice versa, and consistency in following through. So I'd definitely agree with the idea of giving them an explicit explanation of your management style, and especially make it clear that they can rely on you to give them feedback in the moment if there are any problems.

I second this suggestion. I have sometimes found myself feeling insecure at work and it's almost always been at times when expectations were not clear and/or I couldn't figure out how to gauge how well I was doing. Praise is a clear indicator that I must be doing things right, but having what to expect clearly stated would work equally well (or better, because then I wouldn't have to fish for answers by trial and error.)
avatar
sky

Posts : 97
Reputation : 53
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Fri Sep 11, 2015 9:41 am

Dan_Brodribb wrote:The read I'm getting from you is that to be you want to be a good  that members of your team seem to be looking for more validation than you feel you should have to or have the energy to give them. You also want praise from you to mean something and don't want to devalue it or feel like you are treating them like children. You're also concerned about the the appearance of favoritism. You're also conscious that you come from a low-praise environment and are aware that shapes your thinking. Is that close or have I missed anything?

What I'm curious about is what your team thinks about the whole situation.

For example, in your post about the team debrief, I was unsure if they looking for more praise in general or are they looking for more public praise? What are they looking to gain from the praise? That they are doing their jobs well? Are they seeking reassurance? That others see them as competent? Do they secretly have a betting pool going and are keeping score?

So I'm wondering what their read on things is. Is there a way you could investigate that?


My sense was more public praise at every meeting, since the people talking to me had shout outs in the past week. I can definitely ask them 1:1 what they are looking for, but if it is daily praise in a staff debrief the answer is no.


The other thing that strikes me is that while you've outlined your reasons for not wanting to overpraise, it seems like this feedback is coming from more than one person. So a question that might come up for me in your situation is whether this is the case of something with that particular group (they're a clique or they're competing with each other) or if the fact it's coming from more than one person might be a sign that there's room for some self-examination.

I do not feel like they are a clique, but they are the under 30 Americans in the group, so that might default them into a clique. I supervise 11 people and have 5 American staff. I seem to be doing really well with the other 8. And honestly with the 3 who want more praise it is all good, I just do not know what they are looking for and if I can do it. Self examination is never a bad thing, though, so I will do some.


......redacted for length.....

So reading your story, I could relate to your team wanting approval--but I could also relate to being in your position and being resistant to giving it away willy-nilly. Where I come from praise and Approval is Valuable Shit and needs to be dispensed out carefully and I need to monitor how much of it and to who, when, under what circumstances and weigh what one person is getting vs everybody else.

But I don't think that's true and I don't think that type of relationship with giving and receiving praise is doing me any good. So I'm looking for ways to redefine that relationship.

One thing that has really helped  is building the habit of saying "thank you" to people, even for small things. Many people appreciate it, but even going beyond how other people react, it's a reminder to myself not to take things or people for granted. It also reminds me that I am not going to 'run out' of gratitude or appreciation. If anything, it's the opposite.

It's not necessarily an effusive compliment, but people seem to appreciate it. As another bonus I've started to notcie that even in a stressful environment, it's surprising how many things I've found to appreciate or be grateful for, so it's become a helpful  "burn-out buster."

Oh I thank people for everything. Thank you for getting me the file, thank you for your email, thank you for making that call, thank you for getting my coffee when I left it in the other room, etc.. I also say, " Thank you, you are the best/awesome/amazing " if someone does me a favor

Wondering wrote:I think, Dan, that you've conflated three different things in your response.:Thanks/appreciation, approval, and praise. These are not the same things, and I think it's a bit problematic to treat them as if they are, though I do see them emotionally related and intertwined and understand how that conflation happens.

I think that people should pretty much always be thanked for work they've done. That's not the same, necessarily, as always approving of work they've done, and it's certainly different from praise. Reboot has described these same people who seek specific praise at work as also fishing for compliments in social situations. This isn't just a behavior that's related to work.

Reboot, being the only one of us here in the situation of course, will have to determine if these folks are just looking to be thanked (it doesn't sound like it, but I could be wrong), if they need constant approval (which to me is something that a manager also shouldn't have to give; managers aren't parents), or if they're wanting her to go above and beyond her job (IMO) and praise them constantly for routine tasks.

I have what are likely unpopular attitudes about praise and the praise culture that I feel has developed in the US over the past few decades. I think that people are praised for routine things too often. From childhood. And I think it's led to all sorts of entitled expectations in many younger adults. Such as, when I was teaching college, students expecting an A as the grade for meeting minimum requirements instead of the grade for exceeding expectations. People giving standing ovations at public events for everything, thus taking the meaning out of standing ovations; standing ovations now seem to be the basic expectation instead of standard applause. And, more on the topic of this forum, people assuming and expecting to get a partner for being a basic good person (not a rapist or a creep); an issue that we talk about here and on the blog fairly often. So, when I said earlier that I wasn't surprised at the age range of the people reboot is talking about, this is what I was thinking; it fit my experience.

How she deals with this, of course, is up to her. And I'm sorry, reboot, that I have no script suggestions for these discussions. I am a blunt person, sometimes to the point of tactlessness, and could never navigate the waters of diplomacy that you must in your line of work. I would likely end up asking them if they were concerned about their job performance and assuring them that they didn't need to be just because I wasn't calling them out for special attention every time. I assume you have some sort of performance review process in your job where you do tell folks what they do well and what they need to work on.

I also feel that thanks, approval and praise are different. I am very liberal with thank yous, give approval of doing good work (e.g. good job on that file, that interview went crazy long, well done making it through, bang up research on X), but praise I tend to be more sparing with in public meetings and generally do it only for those who have done more than everyone else and especially those who took on invisible work, beyond their duties, that others might not notice but make everything go smoother. Everyone is working hard, everyone is doing a good job, but some people do more voluntarily. Those are the people I tend to praise. And I would say everyone on the team has had at least one shout out per week.

I also kind of feel the constant praise for daily tasks is overdone, but am very insulated from it in my permenant US workplace (I am on temp assignment abroad right now) because almost everyone I supervise and work with was not born in the US and grew up outside that culture to some degree.

Enail wrote:Hmm, this is tricky. I rather agree with Wondering, that what they seem to want is more than it's reasonable to expect you to provide.  

I feel pretty unqualified to suggest any kind of script, since I'm neither very diplomatic nor have much management experience, but I've found that people who are prone to insecurity or neediness tend to respond well to clear statements about what they can expect from you and vice versa, and consistency in following through. So I'd definitely agree with the idea of giving them an explicit explanation of your management style, and especially make it clear that they can rely on you to give them feedback in the moment if there are any problems.  

My instinct leans towards seeing how that goes in the workplace before bringing anything up in the social sphere, since they may carry it over on their own, and seeing how it goes at work might give you a better idea what will be effective socially.

sky wrote:
Enail wrote:... I've found that people who are prone to insecurity or neediness tend to respond well to clear statements about what they can expect from you and vice versa, and consistency in following through. So I'd definitely agree with the idea of giving them an explicit explanation of your management style, and especially make it clear that they can rely on you to give them feedback in the moment if there are any problems.

I second this suggestion. I have sometimes found myself feeling insecure at work and it's almost always been at times when expectations were not clear and/or I couldn't figure out how to gauge how well I was doing. Praise is a clear indicator that I must be doing things right, but having what to expect clearly stated would work equally well (or better, because then I wouldn't have to fish for answers by trial and error.)

Thanks you two! Our jobs are super specific and detailed in a monster binder. But said binder is written in internationalese and is 500+ pages, so maybe it is not as clear to these folks. In theory everyone is supposed to have read it, but II, for one, have only skimmed.

So I have a 1:1 with one of the three today and will state my style and ask them about what they need from me to feel secure in their job competence. Hopefully we can meet in the middle.

Thanks again everyone! I will update.

avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Tue Sep 15, 2015 9:15 am

OK I waited until I did all three 1:1 meetings. One person seems to be OK now that I explained my compliment style and gets that not getting a shout out does not mean they are not doing a good job, it just means some people went way above and beyond. One has quite bad anxiety and is terrified of not being perfect, so any criticism results im, "OMG!!! I AM GOING TO BE FIRED! I AM A TERRIBLE WORKER!!" and no praise can counteract the criticism. We are going to try and work around this so I can give criticism when needed (because no one is perfect) and she is going to work on hearing my praise and believing it. The last one thinks it is unfair that individuals get praised and believes if I praise one person publicly I should say something about everyone in the group and wants daily, public acknowledgement of his work. This is not going to happen unless he goes above and beyond daily and I told him that. The meeting ended in him just having to swallow my management style, so we shall see if we can come to terms with this praise thing. One thing I have learned as a boss is you can never make everyone happy once a team gets beyond a certain size.

Socially, I am going to just see how things go and how much of it was workplace stuff bleeding into the social sphere.

Thanks for the advice, everyone.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Enail on Tue Sep 15, 2015 12:27 pm

It's interesting how differently they all reacted! That sounds good with both 1 and 2, so I hope the new plans help with, and 3, I hope he gets over himself quickly and comes to accept that bosses aren't in fact paid to be cheerleaders.
avatar
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3732
Reputation : 1988
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Wondering on Tue Sep 15, 2015 2:37 pm

reboot wrote:The last one thinks it is unfair that individuals get praised and believes if I praise one person publicly I should say something about everyone in the group and wants daily, public acknowledgement of his work.

Needy and entitled!

I hope things can at least work out professionally with this person.

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by kath on Wed Sep 16, 2015 2:36 am

I do not think you're doing this ... because it sounds like you are explicitly doing the opposite of this - but I think I had a kind of kneejerk reaction because of how I feel about this at work - we have like a whiteboard where you (anyone) can write up praise for others and then we read out like the most recent crop at all-staff meetings, and that ... doesn't have a good method for recognizing invisible work ...  and it also can get ... weird. But that is really not relevant!

I think your approach makes a ton of sense, and giving people the opportunity to explain how they're feeling is huge ... because all of those people are of course going to require different coaching with it.

I'm hoping the "lavish me in praise" guy will be helped out by some time to think about it. Also since it's a temporary posting, he can probably suck it up for the time being and will learn good stuff from it ... and even if it is an unmeldable break (because he can't just deal with it ... sometimes people should deal with stuff, and they just can't give in that instance, but will still learn from it in future), of all the places to decide you will die on a ridiculous hill and will never make that better ... *shrug* you don't have to keep dealing with it for the forseeable future.
avatar
kath

Posts : 352
Reputation : 159
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by reboot on Wed Sep 16, 2015 8:57 am

Enail wrote:It's interesting how differently they all reacted! That sounds good with both 1 and 2, so I hope the new plans help with, and 3, I hope he gets over himself quickly and comes to accept that bosses aren't in fact paid to be cheerleaders.

Wondering wrote:
reboot wrote:The last one thinks it is unfair that individuals get praised and believes if I praise one person publicly I should say something about everyone in the group and wants daily, public acknowledgement of his work.

Needy and entitled!

I hope things can at least work out professionally with this person.

kath wrote:........

I think your approach makes a ton of sense, and giving people the opportunity to explain how they're feeling is huge ... because all of those people are of course going to require different coaching with it.

I'm hoping the "lavish me in praise" guy will be helped out by some time to think about it. Also since it's a temporary posting, he can probably suck it up for the time being and will learn good stuff from it ... and even if it is an unmeldable break (because he can't just deal with it ... sometimes people should deal with stuff, and they just can't give in that instance, but will still learn from it in future), of all the places to decide you will die on a ridiculous hill and will never make that better ... *shrug* you don't have to keep dealing with it for the forseeable future.

If #3 does not learn from me, if he sticks with this gig, he will definitely learn from someone else because most of the other managers are not American/UK/Canadian/Australian/NZ and thus praise WAY less. And physics have mercy on him if he gets a former Soviet Union boss. We only need to get along for another month or so, and he seems be professional enough to deal with everything not being the way he likes it. I definitely like/respect him a bit less than I did, but I can still give him a good recommendation.

[quote="kath"] I do not think you're doing this ... because it sounds like you are explicitly doing the opposite of this - but I think I had a kind of kneejerk reaction because of how I feel about this at work - we have like a whiteboard where you (anyone) can write up praise for others and then we read out like the most recent crop at all-staff meetings, and that ... doesn't have a good method for recognizing invisible work ...  and it also can get ... weird. But that is really not relevant![/quote,]

That is a weird system and I do not think it is a great way to recognize invisible work since, well, it is invisible to anyone not looking at the functioning of the group/project as a whole. It also sounds like a system a clique could game if they wanted if there was a boss who was not paying attention.
avatar
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: People who need validation.... Lots of it

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum