Overweight and dating

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Overweight and dating Empty Overweight and dating

Post by jinxed on Sun Sep 20, 2015 3:08 pm

Hi all Smile

It's a bit scary to post this out in the open Smile

But here it goes: 31 year old woman, virgin, single and overweight. I want a boyfriend, but I am afraid that men won't find me attractive because of my weight, that they would be ashamed,... These kind of thoughts don't help, but it is difficult to tune them out or to counter them with positive thoughts. An other side effect: let's say someone is interested: I would have difficulty believing it, thinking it can't be true, he is trying to prank me so he can shame me in front of his friends ("she really thought I was into her!").

What to do?

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Post by jcorozza on Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:27 pm

Have you tried online dating at all? I'm a fairly overweight (probably in the obese category, though not enough so that people automatically think I would be) lady, and while I'm single now, I haven't always been, and I met my last two boyfriends that way. There are some ways to try to figure out who's likely to care and who isn't.
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Post by Werel on Mon Sep 21, 2015 2:49 am

Hi jinxed! It is kind of terrifying to post this stuff, so props for having the guts. Smile

Looks like you've got two main ideas here: (1) that you would like to date somebody, believe it's not an unreasonable thing to hope for, and understand that there are plenty of people who can be attracted to overweight folks; and (2) that there's a lot of stigma against being overweight in most of the western world right now, and that people can be excessively cruel about not finding overweight people attractive. So, some fellow fat girl thoughts: I think you might pitting these two ideas against each other as opposites:
jinxed wrote:These kind of thoughts don't help, but it is difficult to tune them out or to counter them with positive thoughts.
like you're operating towards the goal of completely shutting out idea (2), and only entertaining idea (1). But if you try to replace all the negative thoughts (about how it can indeed be rough to date [and exist] as an overweight woman, and how people can be huge jerks about it) with Only Super Posi Thoughts (affirmations of your own worth and desirability, reassurance that jerks are just jerks), you're probably not doing yourself any favors-- they're both true, and both need to be given due weight in your thought processes. Idea (2), so that you can be alert for assholes and assholish behavior around the topic of your weight, and idea (1) so that you don't let your insecurities run wild and push away or mistrust people who are legitimately into you (i.e. so you can allow yourself to take yes for an answer). Sounds like you know you need to work on pumping up idea (1), that you're a person worth dating and that some dudes will find you attractive-- maybe that's a good place to start, while keeping in mind that it's fine to acknowledge (and sometimes be sad about) the difficulty of dating while overweight?

jcorozza's OLD suggestion is good, too-- if you've never tried it, or want suggestions on your profile, there's a thread for that!
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Post by Jayce on Tue Sep 22, 2015 1:20 am

I think there are some signs that you can tell when a guy is trying to legitimately get you to like him and one that's just looking to make fun of you. I can't speak for all the guys out there but if there was someone that I genuinely liked I would be a bit more nervous around her, try harder to be cool, interesting, fun and relatable. If we already know each other, next time(s) we meet I'll have my makeup on, do my hair better. When I ask her out, I'll be serious about it.
If he wants to be your boyfriend, he'll show some signs of genuine interest, whatever they may be.

Its rare but once I have met a friend of a friend that have told me they are kind of with a girl because she's fat and easy and his backup plan and he can go to her for easy sex. He told me how annoying he felt when he had to take her on dates, and was glad she brought him a new pair of shoes cause at least he got something out of it, he said she was playing games with him, when she tried to do subtle things like taking the relationship to the next level and told her to stop playing games with him. My best tip to watch out for these people is to see the way they treat you & other people. The one's that will shame you, are in general assholes that say crap about other people too.

The guys that will shame you, or the guys that will think you are easy won't put much effort into wooing you.

Only exceptions might be if they are shy so they are scared of showing interest because you'll reject them, or they are scared that they like you but they think society won't approve.

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Post by jinxed on Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:01 am

Werel wrote:Hi jinxed! It is kind of terrifying to post this stuff, so props for having the guts. Smile

Looks like you've got two main ideas here: (1) that you would like to date somebody, believe it's not an unreasonable thing to hope for, and understand that there are plenty of people who can be attracted to overweight folks; and (2) that there's a lot of stigma against being overweight in most of the western world right now, and that people can be excessively cruel about not finding overweight people attractive.
Yeah, that's sounds about right. Allthough it took me a while to believe it is not unreasonable to hope/wish for a loving partner, but it is something I believe now.

Werel wrote:
Sounds like you know you need to work on pumping up idea (1), that you're a person worth dating and that some dudes will find you attractive-- maybe that's a good place to start, while keeping in mind that it's fine to acknowledge (and sometimes be sad about) the difficulty of dating while overweight?
It's indeed hard to believe someone will find me attractive. And perhaps it is also fear. Fear of being rejected or ridiculed. Trying to accept it will be difficult and that I *might* meet some jerks on the road is something I need to work on, but it will be hard.

I find it also difficult to sense/pick up on vibes on whether someone is interested. How to tell being friendly or flirty apart? How to check without making a fool out of yourself?

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Post by jcorozza on Tue Sep 22, 2015 10:05 am

I am exceptionally bad at that, which is why most of my dating is online, where it's more obvious!
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