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Post by Guest on Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:26 pm

I am really starting to worry since October 4th is my 26th birthday, And I am overdue in every aspect of life, I'm not just a late bloomer, I am an overdue bloomer well past his expiration date, by now I should have a normal life, instead I am lagging behind everyone in everything. Is this a reality for me or am I making an Everest out of an anthill? (The anthill analogy is funny to me since the Municipality I am currently residing in is called "Hormigueros" - literally translated to the Municipality of "Anthill".)
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*hides in a bunker and braces for the inevitable barrage*

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Post by Enail on Mon Sep 21, 2015 8:53 pm

I think the image we get of a linear life where everyone does the same things at the same age is incredibly limited and doesn't really match the realities of many peoples' lives. People take different paths, go on tracks that turn out to be dead-ends and backtrack or strike out in a totally different direction, take loops that take them unexpected places, pause or delay on things they want to progress on by choice or by necessity, or do things in completely different orders. That's what "normal" is, not this one set path and timeline movies and magazines tell us we're supposed to be.
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Post by Guest on Mon Sep 21, 2015 9:10 pm

Enail wrote:I think the image we get of a linear life where everyone does the same things at the same age is incredibly limited and doesn't really match the realities of many peoples' lives. People take different paths, go on tracks that turn out to be dead-ends and backtrack or strike out in a totally different direction, take loops that take them unexpected places, pause or delay on things they want to progress on by choice or by necessity, or do things in completely different orders. That's what "normal" is, not this one set path and timeline movies and magazines tell us we're supposed to be.

Than why do I feel like an inhuman freak? I want to cheer myself up and not worry but this constant pressure and the fact that if I speak up, I am considered a "weak loser" is only driving me further over the edge.

I hate it that society expects me to be perfect! I hate it that men must be the "Mighty Oak" and show no emotion! I hate it that I am branded a loser because I am afraid of people! I hate it that I cant ask for support or at least a reassuring hug without people looking at me like I am a weirdo!

GOD, I HATE THIS ROTTEN MOTHERFUCKING PATRIARCHAL PERFECTIONIST SOCIETY!!! WHY CAN'T WE LIVE IN A UTOPIA LIKE THE FEDERATION OF PLANETS WHERE THE ONLY FUCKING EXPECTATION IS TO BE HAPPY WITH YOURSELF!!!

But no... I live in a society where asking for help when you are down is tantamount to social suicide...

I hate myself and this life...

I need a drink...

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Post by Enail on Mon Sep 21, 2015 10:32 pm

People don't tend to show where they're different from the image we get shown, so it's easy to feel like you're the only one, but so many people feel different or want to speak out but are afraid. It doesn't make it any less painful, but at least know that you're not alone. Nowhere's a utopia, but maybe in the long run, changing venues to somewhere the culture feels like a better fit will make it easier for you.
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Post by Caffeinated on Tue Sep 22, 2015 12:02 am

Birthdays are a weird thing, aren't they? I remember feeling bad when approaching my 26th birthday. For me, it was that my mom had her first child (me) at age 25, and her mom had her first child (my mom) at age 25, and I'd always kind of expected that I'd have my first child at 25 also. But the year came and went without that happening, and I felt really conflicted and sad and scared about turning 26.

Jedi hugs to you. I hope that in this upcoming year you find people (in person) who won't look at you funny for wanting a reassuring hug.
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Post by Jayce on Tue Sep 22, 2015 12:05 am

If you sometimes feel tired out by the outside world its always ok to have some alone time. There are days where I'm just walking by myself in a suburb, doing some grocery shopping, or I'll go by myself to a ramen noodle bar, sit down, and relax. For the majority of my life I never had many friends or knew how to interact much with other people so I always had to learnt to how to keep myself company while not feeling sad about being alone.

Sometimes there aren't other people to help you, I remember that I used to ask for hugs from my friends cause I felt like I always needed their comfort. But my friends had their own lives to deal with, sometimes they are just as bogged down as I am but I didn't know that because I lacked awareness. It takes energy and effort to help other people, at the end of the day, if other people help you, then great. Treat it as a bonus, but you have to know how to help yourself. There were so many days where I'm just crying into my pillow, in my room while my parents insult me again and again from the living room and wouldn't leave me alone. Nobody wanted to help me, my small amount of friends were teenagers just like me, they didn't really know what to say to me. Most of the time we don't even talk much cause I was that bad of a conversationalist.

The only people that could help all the time are yourself and professionals where its their job to help you.

I've had a talk with my best friend once about asking for help, we are both male so we were familiar with the idea of men not being comfortable in asking for help. My friend told stories about his father's mental health along with smoking and drinking habits and how his father never tries to ask for help for anything because of his views on what men were supposed to be. We came to an idea that a lot of men don't ask for help because it feels like its taking away their sense of agency. Men are seen as people that get things done (e.g superheroes, action movies with male leads), men are supposed to be competent and are glorified for it when they are (e.g football athletes). If you ask for help it can feel like you are voluntarily handing in your man card cause you admitted that there's something out there you cannot accomplish.

But the catch is, no one can do everything. This is were I came to something I do- always trying to do what you can to solve your problems before asking for help to see what you can do. If you ask for help you are just admitting that you have done what you could and it wasn't enough, and that's just something very human. It dosen't take away your sense of agency either because you have done something about it, its just that the problem is grander than something that you could have solved alone.

Yes, some people are going to feel like you are handing in your man card and will berate you for it. Just do what you can to avoid those people. There was one time some documents for me going to counselling was on my study table and my father picked it up and immediately he started to say how I'm not male enough, why can't you be more male etc... Because the paper didn't say my reasons of going counselling, he immediately concluded that I've been in a fist fight with another guy and that someone in power forced me to go counselling, and he wouldn't stop asking how I got into a physical fight, until I told him I'm there for emotional help, I'm not obliged to tell you about it, now leave me alone. It never once, occurred to his mind that a male person could be suffering emotionally, or even if you did suffer emotionally you never tell anyone else about it and just keep it in. There were so many times as a kid when I was crying and my father always shouted, keep it in! stop crying! you're supposed to be male!

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Post by WJMorris3 on Tue Sep 22, 2015 12:41 am

Alex, if it means anything to you, I'll be 33 in a month and sometimes I feel the same way.

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Post by Guest on Wed Sep 23, 2015 7:08 pm

Jayce wrote:If you sometimes feel tired out by the outside world its always ok to have some alone time. There are days where I'm just walking by myself in a suburb, doing some grocery shopping, or I'll go by myself to a ramen noodle bar, sit down, and relax. For the majority of my life I never had many friends or knew how to interact much with other people so I always had to learnt to how to keep myself company while not feeling sad about being alone.  

How and why would I spend time with the person I despise the most? I HATE going anywhere alone, I just cannot stand the feeling! It's easy for everybody else but for me being alone anywhere makes me feel less than human.

Jayce wrote:There were so many days where I'm just crying into my pillow, in my room while my parents insult me again and again from the living room and wouldn't leave me alone.

For me there were days when I was crying and screaming for help in my room while my father beat savagely me with a yard long belt, I was 5 years old.

Jayce wrote:The only people that could help all the time are yourself and professionals where its their job to help you.

Correction: The only people that could help all the time are yourself and professionals where its their job to help you.

Jayce wrote: This is were I came to something I do- always trying to do what you can to solve your problems before asking for help to see what you can do. If you ask for help you are just admitting that you have done what you could and it wasn't enough

Me: *trying to carry VERY heavy and large nightvision sight* Hey can you lend me a hand with this?
PFC: What's wrong with you? can't you carry a simple sight? (Sight weighs nearly 200 Lbs)
Me: *hands nightsight with a dejected look, hides while avoiding everyone, including NCO's, for the remainder of the duty day*

Tell me again how asking for help is admitting that I've done all I could, while keeping in mind people expect me to be like Captain America in terms of strength.  Disapproving

Jayce wrote: Yes, some people are going to feel like you are handing in your man card and will berate you for it. Just do what you can to avoid those people.

Correction again: Yes, some people are going to feel like you are handing in your man card and will berate you for it. Just avoid those people everyone like the plague since they treat you like shit.

Jayce wrote: There were so many times as a kid when I was crying and my father always shouted, keep it in! stop crying! you're supposed to be male!

Again, Father beating me senseless with belt while I LITERALLY FUCKING SCREAM FOR HELP!!

And people IRL had the audacity to say all this is my fault.

I need a VERY STRONG drink...

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Post by Bumble on Wed Sep 23, 2015 9:09 pm

Alex1989 wrote:
How and why would I spend time with the person I despise the most? I HATE going anywhere alone, I just cannot stand the feeling! It's easy for everybody else but for me being alone anywhere makes me feel less than human.

You seem like an alright guy. Hating yourself seems a little harsh.

Also not being able to carry 100+ pound equipment around isn't something to be ashamed of. Maybe the PFC was just messing with you.

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Post by Guest on Wed Sep 23, 2015 10:04 pm

Bumble wrote:
Alex1989 wrote:
How and why would I spend time with the person I despise the most? I HATE going anywhere alone, I just cannot stand the feeling! It's easy for everybody else but for me being alone anywhere makes me feel less than human.

You seem like an alright guy. Hating yourself seems a little harsh.

Also not being able to carry 100+ pound equipment around isn't something to be ashamed of. Maybe the PFC was just messing with you.

OK, I might be a little harsh on myself, but I really don't like being alone... Crying

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Post by Bumble on Fri Sep 25, 2015 1:58 am

Did you take a look at that link I sent you about cognitive distortions?

Happiness is a state of mind. It's actually a lot more attainable than you think.

At any rate there has got to be someone on your island who can help you.

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Post by eselle28 on Fri Sep 25, 2015 6:15 am

<mod>This forum isn't equipped to handle posts discussing suicide, even in more oblique, further off terms. Please stop including these thoughts in your posts. Additionally, while victim-blaming when you yourself have been the victim is a complicated subject, blaming people who are the victims of violent acts isn't very appropriate here. At minimum, if you are the victim and have self-blaming thoughts, this is a subject that needs to be discussed at fairly calm points and probably while there are moderators around. I'm sorry you're having a bad night, Alex.</mod>
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Post by Guest on Fri Sep 25, 2015 4:49 pm

Bumble wrote:Did you take a look at that link I sent you about cognitive distortions?

Happiness is a state of mind. It's actually a lot more attainable than you think.

At any rate there has got to be someone on your island who can help you.

no one...

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