Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing

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Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing Empty Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing

Post by Misericorde on Fri Sep 25, 2015 2:53 pm

Hi all - I've been reading the main site for a while, but finally thought it might be interesting to ask for someone else's perspective on things. I'll try to keep this short: I'm conflicted over how much effort it would take to establish and maintain a relationship over my current state of "contentedly single, but would like someone around who cared that deeply".

At this point, it feels to me like I have very little to offer in a relationship.

  • I'm wary of the responsibilities of deeper commitment (heavy responsibility-to-family upbringing gave me an almost pathological fear of obligation to others), while simultaneously wanting someone else to be committed to me. Once I get close enough to someone, I don't view being there for them as "obligation" as much as something I enjoy, but it's difficult for me to reach that point.
  • I'm mostly asexual and uncomfortable with even being in an attraction-based relationship, out of fears that my personal boundaries will be constantly nudged and pushed "because sex is what people do in relationships". ... But I would like non-sexual physical affection.
  • I'm relatively private and prefer independence over a lot of social activities/"together time". Most of my hobbies (art, gaming) are singleplayer.

What I'd really like is a "partner" to share my interests with, geek out with, and be comforted by the thought that they're there for me - but I'm not sure how to even broach the subject in a traditional dating scenario, since I'm pretty sure the response would be, "You won't offer sex, guaranteed commitment, or even togetherness? Why would anyone commit themselves to you?" I do have very good friends who fit this criterion, but I'd also like someone whose time and attention I can... "expect" to be devoted to me every so often. I'm just not sure where or how I would even find such a person.

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Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing Empty Re: Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing

Post by reboot on Fri Sep 25, 2015 3:08 pm

Do you desire all the non-physical, lovey dovey, romantic things? I am asking because what you describe could be filled by a very close friendship (or even multiple ones) , but if it is the "hearts and flowers" part you are interested in, the advice will be different.
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Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing Empty Re: Want a partner, but afraid of obligation/changing

Post by Misericorde on Sat Sep 26, 2015 2:31 am

I do, yeah. Not necessarily hearts and flowers, but I would like a partner who's interested in me romantically as well as platonically. To the point of something like... "you're special to me".

Admittedly, quite a few of my reasons for wanting an exclusive romantic relationship are pretty selfish - I want someone who I can trust to be there for *me*. I have a few very good friends, but I've found it difficult to get them involved in sharing my own interests, as opposed to just me being open to sharing theirs. I've also often felt like I was the one who cared "more" in the relationship with them, as they're my closest friends, but maybe I might not be theirs.

I admit there's a heavy dose of insecurity and anxiety here (that I'm working on!) coloring my judgement of how much my friends care about me, and communicating this to them more clearly is something I should do as well. But, I would still be interested in having a romantic partner who I could sort of rely on (by dint of having that label of exclusivity) to be as devoted as I am to making things work, sharing interests, etc. Maybe this is unrealistic, but I'd like to get out of my own head for a bit on this and see what others think.

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Sat Sep 26, 2015 10:46 am

As I'm reading, it looks to me like your insecurities about friendships and your worries about future relationships are somewhat related... that they both have to do boundaries and communication, about what you feel expected of you, how to say no to things you're not comfortable, how to ask for things when you want to? Does that make any kind of sense? In that case, maybe continuing your work on friendship insecurities will help a little with relationship insecurities as well?
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