Is it possible to fix my relationship with my boyfriend?

[dustyteal]

My boyfriend broke up with me because I did something awful. I live in a group home, and sometimes I get delusions. Last week, I was having delusions that I would die if I stayed at the group home, and one day I suddenly decided to move all my stuff into storage and go out on the streets. I made up a story to my boyfriend that I got kicked out because I was afraid he would judge me if I told him about my delusions. He called the group home, found out that I lied, and asked me to explain, which I did.

I apologized for lying. He told me he was frustrated with me, to just give him some time and we would see if we could work things out. The next day, he texted me while he was at work saying that it was too stressful for him and we need to break up, and he won't take it back this time (he broke up with me once before because he wasn't sure if he liked me as more than a friend in the beginning of our relationship).

He said we could talk on the phone later, but I failed at self-control and texted and called him begging for another chance. Then I told him that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and was too messed up to continue living. He wrote back saying, "Please call a suicide hotline! You are an awesome person and will find happiness." I should have done that, but instead I started cutting and stabbing myself and told him I was doing that, and that I was going to jump off a bridge to finish the job. Instead I dropped myself off a cliff near the bridge. I told him I survived the fall and my back was killing me. After that, I lost my phone in the water, so I don't know if he ever replied to those messages.

I went to a psychiatric facility for several days. I tried calling him from there throughout the day on Saturday, a few times on Sunday, once on Tuesday, and once on Wednesday. Since it was their number and not mine, I don't know if he knows it was me. Do you think he realizes it? I never left any messages.

My main question is, is it possible to fix our relationship? If so, how can I go about doing that? I feel really, really guilty about everything I've done. At the time I was telling him about what I was doing, I didn't mean to manipulate him or scare him or anything, but I know intent is not magic, and that's probably what my actions did. I love him very much and would like to patch things up. I got a new phone with a different service provider, so I've been thinking of messaging him saying something like:

"It's Iris. I'm very sorry about everything I have done. I went to stabilization for a few days and had my medications increased. I'm doing very well on them now, and a team of mental health professionals decided I am emotionally stable. Would you be willing to try couple's counseling? A mental health professional could give us the tools to make our relationship less stressful. I love you very much. We were together for over a year, and I think that is something worth fighting for. If you're not up for it, I understand and respect your decision. I hope we can at least stay friends and continue hanging with our friends at Anime Club. Earlier we discussed talking on the phone. If you're still up for talking, you can give me a call. My new number is xxx-xxxx.

What do you think?

[Enail]

Dustyteal, I'm so sorry you're going through all that, it sounds incredibly stressful and painful, and a breakup is a shitty thing to have to deal with on top of that (I'm really glad to hear you're safe now and doing better, though!)

It sounds like he was pretty clear about the breakup, and I think you should take him at his word and assume that the relationship is over. Since the last time you spoke to him prior to the crisis, he had indicated that he was willing to talk again (and didn't say otherwise while you were in crisis), I think it would be okay to call once and leave that message - it sounds like a very clear, respectful message - but only once. If you don't hear from him, that's his answer. Even if he does want to talk, I wouldn't get your hopes up too much that it means he wants to continue the relationship; no matter how much he cares about you, if it's too stressful for him, he needs to do what's right for his wellbeing.

Many good wishes to you, whether for repairing your relationship or for healing from the breakup. Stay safe.