Taking a break

Go down

Taking a break Empty Taking a break

Post by Dannyboy on Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:14 am

Hello, its me again, DannyBoy. You might remember me from a bunch of other pathetic and whiney threads, lol.

Anyway, after my double rejection last week and playing a game called the "The Beginner's Guide" I decided to delete all of my online dating profile and take a break from online dating. This decision was based on several factors: 1. because I was bummed out by my failures in online dating. 2. Because I had been putting off studying for the GRE so that I could go to grad school and get my MLS 3. I realized that, as a person, I am pretty damn pathetic. I have no friends, still live with my parents, have only a part time job, and I have no incredible, super amazing skills like playing guitar and such.

When I initially started getting dates with girl in OLD, I believed that they were actually attracted to me. I now believe that I was wrong and foolish. There's nothing about me that people would find a attractive, I'm a short, bay-faced nerd, and if these girls were actually attracted to me, I'd actually have a relationship now. No, I've come to believe that the only reason I ever got dates was because of pity. I've actually earned a lot of things in life through pity: my good grades in high school and college, the praise of teachers, sometimes even free meals. But pity is no basis for a relationship.

Thus, I've decided that before I try dating, I need to become someone thats actually wort dating, which is no small thing. I need to have friends, which is why I went back to Meetup and joined a classic books club and a bad movie club. Hopefully, I'm not too repulsive and get some freinds. I also need to continue my education, which means getting over my anxiety and studying for the GRE, then finding a suitable program for my MLS. Finally, I need to excel in something sexy, though I don't know what.

The only problem with this plan is I still feel an undeniable desire for a woman. I want to kiss a girl on the cheek, want to hug one, want to feel their breasts. Is there anyway of repressing this desire until I actually have a chance to fulfill it?

Also, I've thought about going to a therapist to see if they can help me come up with a plan for my life, or at least help me to become more socially competent. The only problem with that is that I'm uncomfortable making an appointment, because I'm not actually suffer from any mental illness at the moment, I'm just lost and lonely.

Anyway, there's my new plan. Thoughts? Opinions?

Dannyboy

Posts : 124
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2015-06-04

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by BasedBuzzed on Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:31 am

"playing a game called The Beginner's Guide"
Do not take cues from popular culture for insights into your life, especially not when you're already down.

You're free to take a break, but someone's bound to come in with "ha, X number of rejections is nothing." Therapy is a good solution(seriously, how would you react if a person close to you told you about feeling worthless and then added a line about not being worthy of therapy?), and you should really address the need for external qualifiers in order to feel good about who you are as a person. Because even if you get your own job, pad, car, pals and GF, that false notion that you don't deserve it and you only have it out of pity is not going to go away unless you attack it at the root.

_________________
Pompeii, VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1904: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin."
BasedBuzzed
BasedBuzzed

Posts : 811
Reputation : 267
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by eselle28 on Wed Oct 07, 2015 4:37 am

I think your initial assumption is both incorrect and not a terribly healthy pattern of thinking to get into. I can understand the thought process that places a lot of importance on getting first and second dates and assumes that everything after that should come easily if you're dating material, but that's not how it works for most people. It takes some time for many of us to find someone to have a relationship with, and I think it's unfair to your dates to assume they had no other motives beyond pity. Frankly, online dating is enough work that it's sort of insulting to your dates to assume they have so little going on in their lives that they have time for pity dates.

That being said, taking a break from online dating is often a reasonable response to burn out. Concentrating on making friends and applying to grad school seem like worthy goals, and going to a therapist isn't a bad idea either if you're so inclined - they're definitely not just for people with diagnosable mental illnesses.
eselle28
eselle28
General Oversight Moderator

Posts : 1994
Reputation : 999
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Prajnaparamita on Wed Oct 07, 2015 5:32 am

Hey Dannyboy, I'm not exactly sure it's the case you don't struggle with any mental health issues at all. I'm not really sure how to say this is a way that you can hear it, but... Honestly confession is, I've often found myself reading your posts and I would find myself angry at you for some reason I couldn't pin down, I couldn't tell what it was about or where my irrational umbrage came from, until I finally put the pieces together--my previous relationship was with a man who was a "functional" alcoholic like you, and his substance abuse tore our relationship apart, and emotionally tore me apart as well. And, reading your posts about your struggle with alcohol abuse but noted your unwillingness to stop drinking, and then reading your posts in which you described throwing yourself into dating, I found myself filled with rage, seeing an easy target for all the hurt and pain I'd felt with my ex but couldn't allow myself to feel towards him. I don't blame my ex for the way that he treated me, I recognize alcoholism as a disease, a disease that warps and twists the personalities of the people who struggle with it, but it still hurt the ways that he would lash out at me, the way that he would be so kind and caring one day, and cold and remote the next, the way that he would make me feel that every time he hurt me, it was because it was my fault. And I took all that rage and pain and resentment and projected it onto you, because you reminded me of him in some ways. I would read your posts and my emotional mind would get all worked up from it, thinking things to myself like "How could he be so selfish?!" (The exact same words, in fact, that my ex would often use to describe his friends who had ended up addicted to heroin.) Now of course I wasn't actually getting that from anything you had actually written, but from my own experiences with my ex, the way that he would reject all help with his drinking, and refuse to admit the extent of the issue despite people around him expressing their concern, the way that it would continue to fester and sap the connections he had as a result. I was angry at you, because I saw in you my ex, and I imagined for you a future where you engaged in the same behavior that he did, in which you would form emotional connections with these women that just felt so good, because you were just so smart and charming and empathetic and listened and made them feel special, and then just tear them apart because between them and the alcohol, the alcohol came first.

Yeah... I projected. I projected a lot. This is why I never said anything to you Dannyboy, because I was always afraid my emotions would get in the way, and I would be unfair to you. But the thing is, I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with an addict if the addict is still using and not in treatment of any kind. That isn't to say I don't think you can have relationships with addicts! I've met addicts who are sober and who are in treatment who are absolutely lovely people, kind, caring, empathetic and wonderful to be around. But while they're still using, and before they seek help, I think it's near impossible to have a healthy relationship at that time.

Dannyboy, the reason I confessed all this to you is that I know you're an empathetic person, who would never want to willingly hurt anyone else. Often when I could put aside the misdirected rage from my previous relationship, I would think to myself "I really really wish I could help him see that he needs to seek help, and break this cycle of hurt." I don't want to see anyone else struggle alone with addiction, you don't deserve that, you deserve to thrive and be able to like yourself and form close, healthy bonds with others and not have to carry this weight around anymore.  

Please get help. You don't need to live like this.

_________________
Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita
Prajnaparamita

Posts : 404
Reputation : 234
Join date : 2015-02-05

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Caffeinated on Wed Oct 07, 2015 10:13 am

My first thought on seeing the subject line was that you were taking a break from the forums, and feel sad because I'd miss you. Then I saw that you meant a break from online dating, and I thought sure, everybody needs a break from that sometimes, but I'm selfishly glad you're not taking a break from us.

The part about these women going on dates with you out of pity? Nope. That's one of the silliest things I've ever heard. Absurd. Something that only happens in the movies or on a bad sitcom. See, one of the more toxic messages women get is that we have an expiration date, that after a certain age (and that age seems to be a moving target, but I've heard 29, 25, 30, 39, and even 23) we're no longer attractive or dateable or worth the oxygen we're breathing. Now, a person with a healthy mindset will fight those ugly messages, but it's still a thing we're aware of. What I mean to say is that no woman feels she has the time for things like pity dates. If she's going on a date from meeting someone online, it's because she's attracted enough and likes him enough to want to know if there's a spark in person.
Caffeinated
Caffeinated

Posts : 455
Reputation : 273
Join date : 2014-12-08

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by reboot on Wed Oct 07, 2015 10:33 am

Caffeinated wrote:......The part about these women going on dates with you out of pity? Nope. That's one of the silliest things I've ever heard. Absurd. Something that only happens in the movies or on a bad sitcom. See, one of the more toxic messages women get is that we have an expiration date, that after a certain age (and that age seems to be a moving target, but I've heard 29, 25, 30, 39, and even 23) we're no longer attractive or dateable or worth the oxygen we're breathing. Now, a person with a healthy mindset will fight those ugly messages, but it's still a thing we're aware of. What I mean to say is that no woman feels she has the time for things like pity dates. If she's going on a date from meeting someone online, it's because she's attracted enough and likes him enough to want to know if there's a spark in person.

Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, feels sorry enough for an internet stranger to waste their time going on a date with them to make said stranger feel better about themselves. They could be doing a billion other things like going on dates with people they are interested in, seeing friends, doing hobbies, reading, streaming Netflix and eating potato chips, flipping a bottle cap to see how many times they can get it in a cup, sorting socks. I mean, seriously dude, do you think these women have nothing better to do with their time than go out with you on "pity dates"? Do you think their lives are so empty? Grin

It sounds like you need an online dating break. You have been quite successful getting dates but are getting burned out by the quite normal fact that most online dating relationships do not get past date 5, if they even go that far. That is a feature, not a bug. You sound like you need some time to get out of the mindset where you expect the dates to go anywhere.
reboot
reboot
Moderator of "Other Relationships" and "Gender, Identity and Society"

Posts : 2514
Reputation : 1005
Join date : 2014-09-24

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Wondering on Wed Oct 07, 2015 2:09 pm

eselle28 wrote:I think it's unfair to your dates to assume they had no other motives beyond pity. Frankly, online dating is enough work that it's sort of insulting to your dates to assume they have so little going on in their lives that they have time for pity dates.

More than sort of insulting in my book. Downright insulting. And kind of to women in general, not just the specific women you dated. Because your operating assumption is that any woman who would go out with you is doing so out of pity, regardless of what she actually feels on the matter. You're telling her what her feelings are, before you've even met her.

I agree that taking a break from dating is a good idea for now. There are other things for you to concentrate on, like grad school and expanding your social circle. But you need to do all that for your benefit, because you want to for yourself, not just to make yourself someone worth dating so that you can stop believing women are only dating you out of pity. If that's the only reason you're doing it, I don't see it helping in the long run.

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Dannyboy on Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:10 pm

Prajnaparamita wrote:Hey Dannyboy, I'm not exactly sure it's the case you don't struggle with any mental health issues at all. I'm not really sure how to say this is a way that you can hear it, but... Honestly confession is, I've often found myself reading your posts and I would find myself angry at you for some reason I couldn't pin down, I couldn't tell what it was about or where my irrational umbrage came from, until I finally put the pieces together--my previous relationship was with a man who was a "functional" alcoholic like you, and his substance abuse tore our relationship apart, and emotionally tore me apart as well. And, reading your posts about your struggle with alcohol abuse but noted your unwillingness to stop drinking, and then reading your posts in which you described throwing yourself into dating, I found myself filled with rage, seeing an easy target for all the hurt and pain I'd felt with my ex but couldn't allow myself to feel towards him. I don't blame my ex for the way that he treated me, I recognize alcoholism as a disease, a disease that warps and twists the personalities of the people who struggle with it, but it still hurt the ways that he would lash out at me, the way that he would be so kind and caring one day, and cold and remote the next, the way that he would make me feel that every time he hurt me, it was because it was my fault. And I took all that rage and pain and resentment and projected it onto you, because you reminded me of him in some ways. I would read your posts and my emotional mind would get all worked up from it, thinking things to myself like "How could he be so selfish?!" (The exact same words, in fact, that my ex would often use to describe his friends who had ended up addicted to heroin.) Now of course I wasn't actually getting that from anything you had actually written, but from my own experiences with my ex, the way that he would reject all help with his drinking, and refuse to admit the extent of the issue despite people around him expressing their concern, the way that it would continue to fester and sap the connections he had as a result. I was angry at you, because I saw in you my ex, and I imagined for you a future where you engaged in the same behavior that he did, in which you would form emotional connections with these women that just felt so good, because you were just so smart and charming and empathetic and listened and made them feel special, and then just tear them apart because between them and the alcohol, the alcohol came first.

Yeah... I projected. I projected a lot. This is why I never said anything to you Dannyboy, because I was always afraid my emotions would get in the way, and I would be unfair to you. But the thing is, I don't believe you can have a healthy relationship with an addict if the addict is still using and not in treatment of any kind. That isn't to say I don't think you can have relationships with addicts! I've met addicts who are sober and who are in treatment who are absolutely lovely people, kind, caring, empathetic and wonderful to be around. But while they're still using, and before they seek help, I think it's near impossible to have a healthy relationship at that time.

Dannyboy, the reason I confessed all this to you is that I know you're an empathetic person, who would never want to willingly hurt anyone else. Often when I could put aside the misdirected rage from my previous relationship, I would think to myself "I really really wish I could help him see that he needs to seek help, and break this cycle of hurt." I don't want to see anyone else struggle alone with addiction, you don't deserve that, you deserve to thrive and be able to like yourself and form close, healthy bonds with others and not have to carry this weight around anymore.  

Please get help. You don't need to live like this.

I'm going to go to AA this next weekend. Hopefully, last night's beer will be my last. I should state that I'm not a violent drunk, I'm actually a very happy one. I've just been drinking too much. I'm sorry about what happened to you.

As for the rest of the responses, I didn't mean to insult anyone by saying that girls were dating me out of pity. I was trying to be intelligent and humble. I've spent my entire life trying not to be that stereotypical creepy nerd who thinks that he's really all that even though he scares off all the girls he meets. I desperately need to keep my ego down, which means I have to assume nobody is actually attracted to me, that nobody actually likes me. Its more comfortable and more realistic to have such views.

Dannyboy

Posts : 124
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2015-06-04

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Enail on Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:20 pm

Dannyboy wrote:
As for the rest of the responses, I didn't mean to insult anyone by saying that girls were dating me out of pity. I was trying to be intelligent and humble. I've spent my entire life trying not to be that stereotypical creepy nerd who thinks that he's really all that even though he scares off all the girls he meets. I desperately need to keep my ego down, which means I have to assume nobody is actually attracted to me, that nobody actually likes me. Its more comfortable and more realistic to have such views.

What makes you think that's more realistic? It seems like you've just jumped to the opposite extreme, assuming nobody is attracted to or likes you even in the face of evidence to the contrary, to the point that it causes you to make rather unkind assumptions about your dates. And extremes are rarely terribly accurate. It sounds more like you're going for what's comfortable over what's realistic.

I hope your AA meeting goes well, btw!
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 3997
Reputation : 2214
Join date : 2014-09-22

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Wondering on Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:25 pm

Yeah, that's either/or thinking: That things could be only be one extreme or the other. It's not realistic, as truth is murky and grey and usually somewhere in the middle. In fact, back when I taught English and covered logical fallacies to avoid in writing, Faulty Either/Or was one of them.

Good luck with AA!

_________________
-Nevertheless, she persisted

Wondering

Posts : 1117
Reputation : 436
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Prajnaparamita on Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:32 pm

Dannyboy wrote:
I'm going to go to AA this next weekend. Hopefully, last night's beer will be my last. I should state that I'm not a violent drunk, I'm actually a very happy one. I've just been drinking too much. I'm sorry about what happened to you.

Hey Dannyboy, I'm really happy to hear that's the case, and I really hope that you find AA useful and it helps. I just want you to know though that AA doesn't work for everyone, (as it's just a fact that there is no one thing that works for every single person ever) and there's no shame in trying alternative treatment programs or even just seeking out another AA group that fits you the best. Let us know how it goes?

And my ex was not a violent drunk either, rather he would cut with his words, picking fights, throwing out insults, gaslighting me... He never looked like your idea of a typical drunk, he was a very good student and hardworking at his job but when he drank he drank A LOT and drinking was his first coping mechanism whenever anything difficult happened or he was having another depressive spell.

Dannyboy, I don't know you, and I've never met you, so I can only speak from my own experience here from having dated my ex and having hung around addicts in recovery during my time in the psych ward and various partial programs, but one commonality I've heard and seen was an inability to see how much the substance was affecting their lives while they were using, and only finally being able to recognize the true toll it took once they had been sober for some time and had a plan for maintaining it. I realize I come from a place of real bias having ended a relationship with an addict that wasn't pleasant, but I honestly think that getting sober and finding a way to commit to being sober would be the best thing to prioritize in your life right now, and let the questions of friends and hobbies and dating wait until your sobriety is something you have confidence in. But once again, I don't know you and I don't know much about your life right now, so I can only speak from my own personal experience.

Once again, I hope that AA is something that you will find helpful.

_________________
Foster! It saves lives! And kittens! People will just give you kittens! For free!
Prajnaparamita
Prajnaparamita

Posts : 404
Reputation : 234
Join date : 2015-02-05

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Hirundo Bos on Wed Oct 07, 2015 9:39 pm

Thing is, humility and self-deprecation are rather different things. Humility has a less to do with exaggerating your flaws, more to do with knowing yourself, flaws and strengths both. Listening to how others view you is also a big part of it.
Hirundo Bos
Hirundo Bos

Posts : 572
Reputation : 333
Join date : 2014-10-01

View user profile http://abouthirundo.blogspot.com

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Jayce on Wed Oct 07, 2015 11:04 pm

On the whole pity thing, I've never dated before, but I was at a friend's party once where I started a conversation topic with someone because I knew that they did knitting as their hobby. She literally shut me down directly by saying no one is ever possibly going to be interested in knitting at all and I'm only starting the conversation topic with her cause I'm pitying her cause she had boring hobbies, and sitting in the corner not talking to anyone. That did not feel good at all, because I was not pitying her, I didn't know what to talk about after our really long conversations on writing sci fi and the recent avengers movie died out, last time we met she told me she knitted so I knew she knitted, I know next to nothing about the hobby so I talked to her about it. It did not feel good to be shut down and being told that I'm thinking this and that especially when I haven't even expressed one single opinion on knitting at all yet.

Dannyboy wrote:

As for the rest of the responses, I didn't mean to insult anyone by saying that girls were dating me out of pity. I was trying to be intelligent and humble. I've spent my entire life trying not to be that stereotypical creepy nerd who thinks that he's really all that even though he scares off all the girls he meets. I desperately need to keep my ego down, which means I have to assume nobody is actually attracted to me, that nobody actually likes me. Its more comfortable and more realistic to have such views.

I like to use "I don't know, I can't read their mind, not Charles Xavier, man I wished I had those superpowers" as an answer whenever my jerkbrain says anything stupid like "you are an ugly, social skill lacking idiot, why would they like you?", or if my jerkbrain goes the other way and assumes too much, "see, she's looking at you, she must be into you!. It's the most realistic checkpoint I can think of because I do have no idea what they are thinking.


On some days I face a hard point in my desires. I want to kiss somebody, I wanna, I really wanna, I want to go on a date, ehh why am I feeling so horny today?, why am I fantasising what going on a date will feel like while singing happy Taylor Swift songs in my head today?. It's quite hard to get rid of it, so the best I do is distract myself with other stuff, or remind myself that I'm improving myself and even if I really want all those things, its not going to happen right at this moment, and I get back on improving myself. Also reminding myself to practice patience helps. I tell myself that I'm being too impatient.

As for sexually relieving yourself, I have nothing good for that, its something I struggle with and I don't have the best ways to deal with it. I don't watch pornography so on some days where I'm way too curious about sex I'll play with my fleshlight or learn to put on condoms, or fantasise about sexual stuff in my head to relieve myself sexually. One thing that has worked for me though is that on some days I'm way too tired to touch myself, so when I go to bed I just fall asleep really fast, and when I wake up the next morning I don't feel horny enough to touch myself anymore.

Jayce

Posts : 211
Reputation : 66
Join date : 2014-10-03

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by lonelyoffices on Thu Oct 08, 2015 12:13 pm

Hirundo Bos wrote:Thing is, humility and self-deprecation are rather different things. Humility has a less to do with exaggerating your flaws, more to do with knowing yourself, flaws and strengths both. Listening to how others view you is also a big part of it.

I think this is right on target.

Regarding taking a break and maybe refocusing, that sounds like a good idea, Dannyboy. You seem to have a lot riding on your success or lack in dating, probably to an unhealthy extent. I get the impression that you feel as good about yourself as the last bit of feedback you got from a date. That puts a lot of pressure on you and the person you're dating, and leaves you vulnerable. And when dating is your main and almost only focus, you have nothing much to fall back on when it doesn't go as hoped.

As an aside, I took your comment about "pity" dates as being directed toward you, and not an opinion about the people you were dating. But as others have said, it's not necessary or helpful to move to that extreme. Lots of people struggle with dating, and eventually end up in good relationships or as good "daters". Or not, sometimes. It's easy for a very fortunate few, and some level of pain in the ass for most of us.

On that note Uh-oh , I do wish you luck.

lonelyoffices

Posts : 31
Reputation : 32
Join date : 2015-04-23

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by jcorozza on Thu Oct 08, 2015 9:54 pm

Also, if you aren't into AA - I know they tend to have a faith-based undertone - there's also this thing called Smart Recovery meetings, too, which use more CBT/therapy based approach, and they have meetings all over the country (and sometimes online).
jcorozza
jcorozza

Posts : 460
Reputation : 191
Join date : 2015-03-08

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Dannyboy on Fri Oct 09, 2015 7:53 pm

Well I'm all set for AA on Sunday, thanks for all of the support guys, I don't deserve it, but thanks you.

*sigh* I have a confession to make. Last night I remade my OKC account, despite telling myself that I would wait until I was at least back in school. I guess I'm just really, really lonely. I got such a high out of getting responses on OKC, even after the failures and rejections, because it felt like I actually had a chance at a non-familial relationship, even if it was just a friendship. (I know, I shouldn't think so far ahead with these things). I've continued trying Meetups, but meetings are so far between eachother it feels like it takes an eternity to get to know someone even a little bit.

And now I'm whining on the internet again. I swear I'm not like this in real life.

On the bright side, I found out most Library schools don't require a GRE score if you have a high enough GPA (if I'm good at one things, its gets good grades, I guess). I also emailed a therapist, though its looking like their hours won't work for me.

Dannyboy

Posts : 124
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2015-06-04

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Taking a break Empty Re: Taking a break

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum