Confused and frustrated outburst

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Wed Oct 21, 2015 9:55 am

My sense of frustration is flaring up, of general sexual and social frustration, so that's where I'm writing from now. I get these flares sometimes, this time is probably a combination of shorter days, little sense of progression, and the soon approaching nine-years anniversary of the last time I had physical, other-person sex. And I'm not even sure why I want sex, what kind of sex I want, what kind of sexual relationship I want, I feel I have so little of a clue about what I want it wouldn't be fair for me to start anything even if I knew anyone to start something with.

And I don't know where to put my feelings of frustration, longing (for what exactly?), even anger (at myself? the universe?)... how my pain from loneliness is different from the entitled lashings out by Those Persons I Don't Want to Be? Or is it? Maybe I am That Person after all?

It feels like I’m putting a lot of restraints on myself, when I interact with others, in the form of heuristics I’ve made to compensate for social limitations... and I think I'm right to, because it has to do with other people’s boundaries and subjectivity (now if only I understood those concepts better, at a deeper level, not simply as heuristics). But how do I know which behavior rules are necessary? Which ones I’ve outgrown the need for? Which ones I never needed in the first place?

As with the self-work I believe I’m doing. I find myself revisiting old themes. How do I know if I’m coming at them from a new place, rather than just going in circles? How much of my sense of progress is really just illusion? (I know there are some objective measures, but in frustration flare-mode, I just don't feel like I can trust them.)

This is likely to be frustration flare talking, but I feel I don't really know myself at all – I'm more confused about myself than in a very long time. What I want, where I stand, where my capabilites are.

I've been moving into my apartment for close to seven months. I'm enjoying it a lot. But it seems to never end, all the small things I have to do, I have this fear that I’ll be perpetually moving in, just like I've lived on a perpetual temporary government allowance since early 2008. Just like I’m working on myself as a perpetual self-improvement, with ”the ability to have sexual relations” dangling out of reach, as an oversimplified, overdramatized goal.

I... don't know what I'm asking with this thread. I don't know really anything. Advice? Compassion? Correction? I just... I don't know, wanted it out there. It'll probably blow over in a few days, that's how it's usually gone in the past.
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:30 pm

So, one thing I can pull out of my head:

I feel like there's something wrong with most of the things I want, or maybe line there's a very fine line between having and healthily expressing desires and being selfish, entitled, and/or boundarypushing about it.

I kind of feel like the above feeling is selfish and entitled in itself, but I do recognize that it originates within me. It's a matter of calibration: The line between healthy and entitled seem so thin because I don't understand either concept well enough to know the nuances, the great space of alternatives inbetween.

I think it's like that with a lot of things that seem like a very fine line – lack of familiarity makes me miss the nuances, the inner workings. I think it's the same for many other people – perceived fine lines are really lack of familiarity.

One of the reasons I can't get a grasp on what I want is that when I try to think about it, I run into a thing that can potentially go wrong with it, and then steer myself away from that line of thought.

The not-quite-circle I'm in: I can't really get familiar with these things if I don't let myself think about them, but I have a hard time thinking about them because of the imaginary thin line that comes from lack of familiarity.

There are probably many ways to work myself out of this (that I don't see because lack of familiarity), I just don't know where to start. There are so many things. They all see connected. Like pulling on one end makes a greater mess of everything else.
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Post by reboot on Wed Oct 21, 2015 12:39 pm

Well, I mean obviously wanting things for ourselves is selfish, because.... well.....wanting it for yourself alone. Everyone wants things/experiences, so some degree of selfishness is normal. It only gets problematic when we allow our desires and pursuit of them to demand of others things/actions they are reluctant to give/do. Entitlement comes in when you feel you are owed those things.

Asking for a piece of candy from a friend is selfish but not bad. Demanding one and manipulating to get one is bad, especially if they say they do not want to share. Saying I deserve one because I am me and I am owed is entitled.
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Post by Werel on Wed Oct 21, 2015 3:36 pm

Yeah, what reboot said. Also:
Hirundo Bos wrote:One of the reasons I can't get a grasp on what I want is that when I try to think about it, I run into a thing that can potentially go wrong with it, and then steer myself away from that line of thought.
Is this a common thread in all your thinking--when considering doing a thing, the minute you identify a potentially negative outcome, you scrap all consideration of doing that thing? That's going to screw you. Do you ever stay on the negative-outcomes train of thought long enough to consider how bad the negative outcome would actually be? "If I do this, someone might make a rude remark to me." Rather than proceeding to ABORT ABORT, can the next thought be "okay, someone makes a rude remark. Lame. I have survived and can continue working towards whatever goal the action was in service of"? Or maybe you already do this, and I'm misunderstanding?

Either way, sorry you're having a rough patch.
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Thu Oct 22, 2015 5:17 am

Thanks for the replies. Head is less murky at the moment, mood less of a gloom-shaded apathy. I think part of the problem is I have so many things in it, my head that is. I have so many works in progress I keep track of – things to do in the house, things to do change about myself. I made a list the other day if "things I ought to get done soon" and it came to over a hundred items... the other thing is the seasonal thing. When day and night are unevenly balanced, I get... usually not that affectively... uhm, affected, but my cognitive capabilites tend to drop a few levels. I get less able to concentrate, less aware of my surroundings, less able to summon willpower.

So. Reboot: That's... a pretty good explanation. And a good example. I read it with a mental "huh, I kind of knew this but haven't thought of it before".

In the candy example, I suspect that "always asking for candy, never bringing any myself"' is another breed of bad-selfish, and it's another thing I'm wary of about myself... It's not something I do cynically, but it's something I might do, and think I sometimes do do, because bringing candy doesn't cross my mind, or because I'm not even aware of the things I'm being given. (Socially, emotionally.)

And then there's the feeling I'm trying to shake that accepting candy from someone obligates me to give back anything they ask for, even the most expensive pieces, at times when I can least afford them. (Emotional processing takes a lot of energy for me, and sometimes I need to withdraw absolutely.)

When it comes to ask for things people are reluctant to do, pushing or manipulating to get my way, I've done both of those things in the past. Sometimes with a sense of entitlement added, of the type "I am the way I am and am tired of adapting to oppressive social norms." One thing I've learned from this place more than anywhere else is why it's worth the effort to relate to certain social norms, why it really is on me to be mindful of other people's comfort sometimes, mindful of other people's perspective...

but I realize, just as I'm writing, that this might be one the things I haven't quite digested yet, where my self-regulation may be poorly calibrated... I think I operate at present from the notion that it's solely on me to adapt, or adapt as far as I'm able to... which may be why I identify so easily with others that have their entitlement called out. I look at what they said and think, well, I could have said something like that too, and react with a sense of defensiveness, bit of anger ("well, why shouldn't I") but also fear that next time I'm going to be that person.

So... calibrating my sense of when to keep my impulses in check, vs. when it's okay to relax a bit and be more of myself.


And then there's the theory of mind-thing. I am generally pretty good at taking other people's perspective, but some specific aspects of it I handle poorly. I don't know clearly what they are... but I do have some problems grasping the concept of agency, and I don't trust myself to know when someone are reluctant to give me candy but not explicit about it.

Which brings me to Werel... I'm not exactly sure how I generally deal with the prospect of negative outcomes. I've taught myself to face rather than flee the things I have boiling, panicky anxiety for, but I'm still getting a handle on the edge-of-awareness, whispering anxiety thet tells me it's too much effort to even go into this. It's the anxiety of avoidance, which is hardly experienced as a feeling at all, because I rarely get close enough to the feared thing to activities feelings about it.

With what I've been writing about here, it's not so much fear of negative outcomes, or fear about what people might do to me... More the fear of doing wrong myself. Or even thinking wrong... it's those thoughts I'm so afraid of that my mind goes ABORT before I even know I have them...
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Post by Hirundo Bos on Thu Oct 22, 2015 8:44 am

Ok, when housework is not only enjoyable but clears my head as if I've just had the perfect nap, it's a sign I may have been a bit understimulated before.
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