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Post by Gman on Sun Oct 25, 2015 4:32 pm

So after a rather long summer haitus, I decided to log back in. I decided to do so because I'm still single, had no dates for like 6 months or so, had one last month that went nowhere and I'm feeling a bit down and this forum has always been a safe place for me to vent my thoughts and feelings, so here I am, at it again.

As far as life goes, things are generally going well, minus the romantic stuff. I have a solid but not too intense job, I started the second year (and hopefully the last one) of my M.A. degree, I'm still dancing and all in all I have my stuff mostly under control. I also just met a friend of my I haven't seen in a long time and maybe with his encouragement I might start going to the gym at least twice a week. But we'll see about that LOL, I have a bad reputation when it comes to sticking through a gym workout routine.
Anyway, last night something that I consider highly unusual happened to me. I'm pretty sure that I was sort of "approached" by a woman I know from my dance scene. She basically came to me after we danced and asked if I can give her private dancing lessons. Now this is after dancing with her a few times on several occasions and kind of "catching" her half-staring my way (but she always looked away whenever that happened). Plus, even though I'm one of the veteran dancers in my scene, I never actually instructed a dance lesson before – I don't feel like it's for me, instructing is a completely different set of skills than just dancing.

But the thing is that I'm simply not attracted to her. Like at all. She isn't attractive to me physically and I think she is very socially awkward whenever I'm around her (constantly apologizing when we're dancing, excessively complementing me on my dance, awkwardly smiling towards me and I can swear she was literally ogling me once while we were dancing one time).

This kind of frustrates me. It's just so happens that someone FINALLY is pretty bluntly (relatively to what I'm used to so far) sending signals my way, but I have ZERO attraction to them. On logical level this is easy to understand, but my inexperience anxieties kick in and I just needed to vent here to get these thoughts out and realize that it's ok to also NOT be attracted to someone who seems to be attracted to me.

On the other hand, this is probably the ONLY time I can remember where I have actually begun identifying behaviors that might suggest that someone is into me. Maybe this means I'm beginning to become more socially aware and tuned to these things.
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Post by reboot on Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:07 pm

Welcome to the world of social awareness! Now you actually can get a handle on what people are doing. Unfortunately, sometimes it feels like not knowing would be better Grin

Sorry your first time recognizing attraction was from someone you are not interested in. It can be an awkward feeling, especially since it sounds like you two see each other relatively often.
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Post by Gman on Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:18 pm

reboot wrote:
Sorry your first time recognizing attraction was from someone you are not interested in. It can be an awkward feeling, especially since it sounds like you two see each other relatively often.

Oh it's ok. The only two things I'm concerned about right now are:

1. I'm just wondering how many signals I may have missed from people who I was attracted to in the past and that might have tried to signal to me but I was to oblivious, self-centered, depressed, whatever to notice it back at the time.

2. I hope that me being curt and basically keeping things on a more platonic/friendly level won't cause her to leave the dance scene or something like that, cause she is kind of new and I'll feel pretty shitty about myself if I am part of the reason someone won't continue to practice dancing anymore Neutral .
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Post by reboot on Sun Oct 25, 2015 6:35 pm

1. You will never know the answer to this so do not bother thinking about it. What is past is past and overanalyzing it brings grief and changes nothing. Focus on noticing in the future.

2. Keep things to your normal and be prepared to be friendly but firm if she presses her interest. You may have to end up directly rejecting her, which is never fun, so do it as gently as you would like someone to do it to you. If she quits dance, that is not your fault. Hopefully she will not and any awkward will pass away.
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Post by Jayce on Sun Oct 25, 2015 7:36 pm

I'm in the dance scene as well as a hobby of mine and I'd definitely recommend to make sure to not let your lack of attraction to her get in the way of dancing. Cause when you are dancing, you are kind of getting into character in a way. It's bad for the routine and it feels bad when your partner is half assing it, and it's because they feel repulsed by you and it's getting in the way. I'm do group choreography and in a dance choreo I was supposed to bump shoulders lightly with another guy and make eye contact, but he was very, homophobic I guess, so he would never put any effort into it, or he would do it, and stare away, not getting into character at all. And this wasn't just any class, we practised so we could perform later so it was kind of the real deal.

Otherwise, you don't have to do anything about her possible attraction to you. Sometimes at dance class girls do sneak a look at me or two, and I have no idea whether she's looking at me because of attraction or looking at me cause she didn't remember the routine etc... but whatever it is, it's not your issue unless she brings it up directly.

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Post by reboot on Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:15 pm

Jayce wrote:...
Otherwise, you don't have to do anything about her possible attraction to you. Sometimes at dance class girls do sneak a look at me or two, and I have no idea whether she's looking at me because of attraction or looking at me cause she didn't remember the routine etc... but whatever it is, it's not your issue unless she brings it up directly.

This is one advantage men have thanks to the still present resistance women have to being the approacher. Odds are she will never directly state her interest, so you will never have to deal with it and can plausibly ignore any awkward signaling
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