Not sure if I did something good or bad?

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Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by Jayce on Sun Oct 25, 2015 8:57 pm

So two days ago it was my younger sister's birthday, and well in my family, all of us are very distant to each other because we are dysfunctional but we all live in the same house because it's a lot more harder to live by yourself. We never celebrate anyone's birthday, do Christmas, or any kind of anything really, most of the time it's just like people living under the same roof and thats it. So to provide some context, my parents never divorced, they used to argue with each other all the time, and they used to be abusive towards me. But from five years ago to now, we just all decide to call it quits, and so we all basically kind of just do our thing and not get in any other person's way as best as possible. However the relationship between my parents is still not good, any time a minor issue occurs, it gets blown up between them and things get bad between them, I'm just glad they are mature enough to not take it out on me any more.

Anyway my sister is young, 13 and well she wanted to celebrate her birthday, so she asked and my parents said yes, so on the day they were planning to go to a restaurant. But on the day my parents got into a bit of an argument over something petty,which was my dad forgot to cook rice for lunch, ok so at first it's just a minor issue, no big deal, but my parents both made it a big deal, blew up emotionally, and bickered with each other the entire day, it started with housework, lead to financial management then it lead to this and that and all of that and so they forgot about my sister's birthday entirely and they didn't care.

So anyway, my sister is still young and she dosen't get it so she ended up crying in her room. I didn't see her but I could hear her cry. I'm quite distant with my sister because, well everyone in our family is distant towards each other and also she used to insult me a lot and repeat the mean things my parents would say to me cause she didn't know any better, and also because my parents never taught us anything about empathy.

I felt sorry for her, because I still remember when I was eight and I asked my parents to buy me a birthday cake, they did it, maybe reluctantly cause I think I was annoying them enough, but on the day they kept arguing with each other, and they trashed my birthday cake, and my birthday celebration basically didn't happen. So I felt empathetic so I ended up buying my sister pizza (cause I know she likes to eat pizza). I don't have a lot of money on me to buy a really good birthday cake or anything, it was the most I could do and the first thing I thought of. So I got her pizza, but I realised today, who in the world wants pizza for their birthday and that's it? Maybe it might be insulting? And I don't have a good idea because I've never celebrated my birthday before, so I would be pretty happy if anybody got me anything at all, even if it's a card or something. In comparison, my sister celebrates most of her birthdays with her friends and she gets birthday gifts from her friends all the time.

Maybe I should have done something better like write a card? Or maybe I shouldn't have done anything? She got gifts from her friends on this birthday anyway and already celebrated her birthday with friends, so it was probably a, she was sad at that moment kind of thing?

I'm not the best with knowing whats appropriate to give at birthdays at all, for all my friend's birthdays I never get them gifts cause I'm either not good enough friends with them, I don't financially have a lot of money as a university student, I wouldn't know what to get, so I just buy them shots or cocktails at the bar, spend time with them. Luckily my friends seem to like it well enough and do appreciate the gesture.

Since I'm really really distant with my sister I have no idea whether she thought it was stupid, maybe it wasn't cause she did say thanks so I just took it at face value. But then again my sister does have a really long history of not being sincere with me, like sarcastic remarks in most of our interactions, lots of insulting comments, being mean etc.

What do you all think? Would you find it stupid if someone brought you pizza for your birthday?

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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by Enail on Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:17 pm

I've never been in a situation like that, so I don't know, but I'd think she'd be happy that someone in the family was thinking about her and cared enough to do something for her. Especially since you're quite a lot older than her, it seems like it could mean a lot for her to receive gestures of affection from you. Even if she has a lot of friends celebrating her birthday, family is different, and I think everyone wants their family to care, no matter how bad a time they've had with them.  

Since your familial relationships are so fraught, it's not impossible she might take it the wrong way, but even if she did, I don't think that means it was the wrong thing to do, just that it could take time to develop a level of trust between you sufficient to take interactions at face value.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by reboot on Sun Oct 25, 2015 9:17 pm

No way! Buying her a pizza is very nice and thoughtful. If I was her I would appreciate it, especially if I was feeling sad and hurt.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by kath on Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:01 pm

I think she probably appreciated it! Brother buys pizza is way better than parents are jerks and no one does anything.

I also want to say, she may have gotten it completely and still have gone and cried in her room. That sounds like a 100% reasonable response to me.

I'm sorry you two are in that situation. If you can be there emotionally for each other, that's ... way better than having nothing.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by reboot on Sun Oct 25, 2015 11:31 pm

kath wrote:....
I also want to say, she may have gotten it completely and still have gone and cried in her room.  That sounds like a 100% reasonable response to me.
.. .

So true. If you are disappointed and a situation is emotionally charged, reacting with tears when someone does something nice for you is pretty common. Doubly so is you are 13.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by jcorozza on Mon Oct 26, 2015 1:17 am

Ugh, that is a shitty situation. I think it sounds like a sweet gesture, and that at least someone in the house cares enough to do something to make her at least a little happy.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by Caffeinated on Mon Oct 26, 2015 10:53 am

I agree. What you did was a good thing.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by eselle28 on Mon Oct 26, 2015 2:20 pm

You did a good thing. Your sister wanted her birthday to be recognized. Your parents dropped the ball on that. You did something that acknowledged the day.

She might very well be too wrapped up in being disappointed with your parents to say anything appreciative to you, but your gesture was kind and I suspect she'll appreciate it later, if not immediately.
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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by Jayce on Thu Oct 29, 2015 5:58 am

My sister is not overall nice to me and we almost never interact, so she will never say anything appreciative to me, but that's ok. Anyway, I just had to ask for other opinions because I know birthdays are a big deal and I'm not sure if small gestures are appreciative or actually insulting, Well, I did the best I could, and I meant well, so in retrospect I think that's good enough for me, whether she appreciated it or not.



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Re: Not sure if I did something good or bad?

Post by PintsizeBro on Thu Oct 29, 2015 2:14 pm

I will nth the others in this thread. You did a nice thing. Even if she doesn't appreciate it now, she will when she's older.

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