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Post by Dannyboy on Tue Oct 27, 2015 6:30 am

I'm sorry, before, about making that stupid, "Im Taking a Brek" thread, I should never have been so stupid and worthless and selfish.

I've failed at sobriety, not a week after going to AA and I became so desperate I drank again, and I'm drinking right now. I bet that one person wishes that I would kill myself, I'm so sorry, I'm worthlesss.

I understand if noone here cares about me, I know I sure wouldn't.

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Post by reboot on Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:01 am

Hey, addiction is a vicious asshole. My cousin fell off the wagon, shit, 13?14? times before she was able to successfully quit drinking. And I cannot even remember how many times I failed at quitting smoking before it finally took.

So yes, you slipped. Now you have two choices: 1) give up and continue drinking; 2) try again to quit
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Post by Bumble on Tue Oct 27, 2015 9:34 am

I think you're being really hard on yourself. Did you end up looking for a therapist?

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Post by Prajnaparamita on Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:06 am

Yo--if you're talking about me, I absolutely do not want you to kill yourself. Please don't put words in my mouth. As someone who has attempted suicide twice before (the last time as recently as July of this year), and talked other friends down multiple times before, it's not something I would wish on anyone, ever.

Dannyboy, if you're expecting me to be angry at you, that's also not happening as well; honestly my response was mostly like "yep, I kinda expected this might happen" upon hearing of your relapse. Because you know why? I'm aware that addiction is really fucking difficult and it's an illness that will fight back against being treated every single damn day. Right now it sounds like you've been going at it alone, no therapist or support in your struggle towards sobriety other AA, and that's really hard, impossible even for many.

Look, in my experience around addicts, their addiction gave them +2 INT, +2 CHA, and -5 WIS, and the greatest frustration was watching their lack of self-awareness around their actions, repeating habits over and over again even though they hurt themselves and others, refusing to recognize that there was a problem. But I hope this relapse has helped open your eyes to the fact that that you do have a serious issue, that deserves serious attention. Do you remember your response to my last post, in which I tried my hardest to show you the issue with your drinking that I was seeing?

Dannyboy wrote:I should state that I'm not a violent drunk, I'm actually a very happy one. I've just been drinking too much.

With your response, I could tell that you didn't fully realize the extent of the issue you had, but I hope that perhaps the silver lining of this relapse is that you realize you do have a serious issue with your drinking, and seek out the help you need. Obviously, I never hoped that you were going to relapse like this, I had hoped that you'd go to that AA meeting and hear about the experiences of other addicts struggling with issues very similar to your own and have a revelation and seek out help and treatment immediately and begin the long road to taking back control of your life from addiction. But you know what? Just because that didn't happen automatically, (which it rarely ever does) doesn't mean you can't get up now and start again on that path.

And in that, I wish you well.

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Post by Hirundo Bos on Tue Oct 27, 2015 10:18 am

[mod]Dannyboy, I'm not saying this because I think badly of you – I think you're in a lot of pain, and pain tends to narrow people's perspective. So you might not see this from where you're standing. But it's pretty unkind to someone to assume that they'd want something like that to happen to you. If you're not referring to anyone on this site, please clarify. If you are referring to someone here, please ask yourself in the future if people really need to hear how you believe they are feeling about you. [/mod]
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Post by Enail on Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:15 pm

Seconding everyone else that quitting an addiction is really fucking hard, and it's pretty normal to have some relapses. It's no good beating yourself up for it. You're human, you mess up sometimes; that's okay, and it doesn't make you worthless.

I also want to add, though, quitting drinking isn't something you owe the people of this forum, and drinking isn't something you need to apologize to us for - your job on this forum is to follow the forum rules, listen to mod instructions, and behave respectfully with others, and as long as you're doing that, you're doing what you need to be doing here, whatever struggles you're having in your life. I think I speak for many people here when I say we are really glad that you're working on dealing with your drinking, and that we're rooting for you to succeed, but that doesn't mean you've failed us or that you need to feel guilty on our accounts if you slip up.

Failure is a big part of success.
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Post by InkAndComb on Tue Oct 27, 2015 12:47 pm

Danny, I know I wasn't around much for the earlier part, but as someone from a family of alcoholics and addicts all in various stages of sobriety and recovery, you're not a worthless or terrible person because you fell off the wagon.

I'm not saying you're gonna feel awesome, but you already feel pretty bad; that's actually a good sign, in a way. You don't like what you're doing; that's good. You feeling like you deserve to die and nobody cares? That isn't so good, and you don't deserve that; failing at getting sober doesn't mean that you have less worth or you're not deserving of love, kindness, or consideration by others.

It doesn't matter how many people you "promised" to get better to, you still don't deserve poor treatment. You are worth more than you feel you are, right at this moment.

I know that AA wasn't very helpful for my brother; he struggled with both heroin and alcohol use, and the latter really dragged him down.

Maybe it's time to look into another form of treatment...?

Recent studies have suggested it's not that AA is effective, it's that choosing a program that feels like a good fit *to you*, and sticking to it, is what makes it effective.

If you feel like the mantras, the books, the meetings are not your thing, then that's ok. My brother detoxed with the help of loved ones, and attended group therapy sessions for his depression and other issues. Through those, he was able to conquer his issues with alcohol. Sober 14 years now. He even had a drink at a wedding recently; didn't succumb to getting drunk ,felt pretty good about it.

And you know what else? Extinction bursts will happen; you may fall off the wagon again. But it's still worth it, trying to get back up and doing your best; it's not how many times that fall that determine your success, it's how you push through and how you deal with the failure that determines how fast you recover from it.

You can do this. I honestly believe in you. It's rough and it's not gonna be fun but you got this.
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Post by tomspy77 on Sun Nov 08, 2015 11:10 am

Danny:

Have no clue what you posted before but I'll tell you this:

I just quit smoking pot again for the third time in about three years.

I used it as a Smokey shield to kill all emotion about my multiple problems and issues.

Right now I can't sleep and I've been here before, it's my body saying: "Hey dude, where's that chemical we were using to feel happy?"

Last night I cried my eyes out for about three hours because my security blanket was gone.

I also in the past have beaten drinking to numb the pain and more then a decade ago I quit a heavier drug.

Relapse as others have said is a part of it but you made the first attempt. That in itself takes courage, as does me admitting this.

You've taken the first steps, dont give up and keep on trying. Smile
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