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Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

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Reinforcing your closet [Advice] Empty Reinforcing your closet [Advice]

Post by Izmuth Wed Oct 28, 2015 5:11 pm

TW: Pedofilia-related issues
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Last edited by Izmuth on Fri Oct 30, 2015 4:43 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Caffeinated Thu Oct 29, 2015 10:35 am

Your friends were making rape jokes. Their rape jokes made you feel awkward.

I think the way to handle it is to be serious and let it get very very awkward. Tell them that jokes like that aren't funny and aren't ok. They'll probably push back, because that usually happens if a group normally lets them get away with rape jokes but then one day someone calls them on it. Rape jokes still are not ok.

Captain Awkward has a number of posts that relate to this (boundaries, peer pressure, "returning the awkward to sender", feeling pressured to accept jokes that make you feel uncomfortable, etc).

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Post by eselle28 Thu Oct 29, 2015 2:35 pm

Yeah, I think it might just be best to shut down jokes like that when they happen.

If you want to develop a persona that makes people less likely to ask why you're single, the one I've seen that people most respect is I'm Married to My Job (alternately, My Art, My Cause, or My Dissertation).
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Post by Werel Thu Oct 29, 2015 3:20 pm

Married to My Job/Art/Cause is a pretty solid one.

I also don't know how most people would feel about you assuming an asexual identity when you are not asexual--that's a tricky one and might catch me some well-deserved flak for suggesting it--but it would be out-of-the-mainstream enough to explain why you've been dodgy about your sexuality/haven't brought it up in the past, while also aligning with your no-dates no-sex behavior, if not your real orientation. There are troubling questions of impersonation and appropriation there, but if your main concern is to stay well and truly in the closet, faking an orientation that matches your conduct might be worth considering. Shrug
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Post by Izmuth Fri Oct 30, 2015 5:00 am

@Caffeinated, thanks for the tip! I'll browse Captain Awkward to see if I find anything useful. It still complicates things that my first instinct in these kind of situations (where there's a chance confrontation leads to suspicions) is to always blend in and never make waves.

@Eselle: Interesting, I've only tried "Truly Hopeless With Women" in the hopes to dissuade people from prying further. It seems that leads to people seeing it as a challenge. Oh well, the new job comes with a change of scenery/aquintances, so I can try another identity easily.

@Werel, thanks for the suggestion, but due to bigotry that seems (to me) like a very bad plan.
TW: Asexualphobia (is that a word?)
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Post by eselle28 Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:11 am

Izmuth wrote:
@Eselle: Interesting, I've only tried "Truly Hopeless With Women" in the hopes to dissuade people from prying further. It seems that leads to people seeing it as a challenge. Oh well, the new job comes with a change of scenery/aquintances, so I can try another identity easily.
[/spoiler]

Oh, I would definitely not go with Truly Hopeless with Women, especially not if you're looking for long term solutions. It comes across as sad and hurt, and that's something that will get people who are inclined to couple others up involved in trying to both figure out how you could improve and introduce you to potential partners on the premise that these ones are nice and will be gentle.

The benefit of Married to My ________ is that when you're young, it comes across as what young privileged men are stereotypically supposed to be doing - enjoying their careers and the rest of their lives and not worrying about serious relationships. Then there's a period a bit after the age where people usually settle down where you'll get some pushback. Make it through that and, as long as you don't seem like you're asking for help, people will assume this is the way things are for you and will be less inclined to intervene.
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