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Rage. Empty Rage.

Post by Glides on Mon Apr 25, 2016 8:26 pm

Hello dear forum,

I've mentioned before a girl that I was romantically interested in back in the day, who I messed things up with and ruined all potential chances with. I was convinced that I was in love with this girl.

While we have started talking again, this is not about how to win her over or anything, that's not my concern right now.

Today she calls me in the middle of work telling me that she went on a date, and said date proceeded to drug her, have his way with her in her sleep, take pictures of her naked body, and send them to as many people as he could.

I had just enough sense to remind her that she had done nothing wrong, that there was nothing to blame herself about, how the only one at fault was this sadistic rapist fucker, but that was all.

The problem, beyond not exactly knowing how to comfort her in her time of need, is to manage to calm the new feelings of absolute rage and hate that have been flowing in me for the past several hours. All I want right now is to find whoever did it (she won't tell me his name or show me a picture so that I may find him) and hurt them badly. I want to hurt them to the point where they'd be horribly scarred after, so they'd never forget it was me who hurt them. I know such sadistic tendencies are wrong and that I am wrong for feeling them, and for wanting to hurt another person so badly.

So I'm not sure how to process things. This isn't the first time I've had to deal with this, but I didn't deal with things in a healthy way the last time this happened and I want to make sure not only am I communicating with her properly, but also dealing with myself and my newly acquired sadistic tendencies.


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Post by Enail on Mon Apr 25, 2016 9:23 pm

Shit, I'm sorry that happened to your friend. It's natural to feel rage when someone hurts someone you care about, and I don't think it's wrong to feel a desire to hurt someone, as long as it stays as a feeling. It sounds like you're being a good friend by managing to set that aside to support her, and I think you realize that tracking down and hurting her rapist would probably be more harmful than helpful to her, and be making her awful experience all about your feelings. And further awesome points to you for realizing you need to look after yourself and find ways to deal with your emotions around it as well, because supporting people through trauma is hard.

But all the awesome points in the world doesn't help with the fact that anger you don't have anything to do with suuuuucks. I find that physical activity is one of the most helpful things for me, preferably something violent like punching bags or really intense like running flat out until you can't run anymore. Loud, angry music is good too. Also, ranting to third parties, but in moderation - sometimes you've got to get that stuff out there, but there's a fine line between letting it out and just working yourself into more anger.

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Post by BasedBuzzed on Tue Apr 26, 2016 5:51 am

Anger is understandable, but the question is how you translate such anger into a productive response. There is a dinstinct possibility that the perp will not get punished until much later because the survivor will need time to process things, or there needs to be a cascade of similar occurances until one survivor goes to the police and the rest will follow, or she might not even want to go to the police because possible reactions from her family. Or she might decide to go to the police after all.

I'd say in either scenario: check local revenge porn laws, plus possible contacts of lawyers specializing in these cases. Write down as many of the details as you remember, including names of the people who this was distributed to, possibly contact them in order to get screencaps with proof something happened (play the part of the confused friend). Read up on the do's and do not's of aftercare and how to emotionally take care of yourself. Keep an ear to the ground to see if this asshat has done similar things in the past. In such a case, no matter what decision she decides to take, you have a batch of back-up info in order to support her.

Needless to say, only do as much as you can handle and as she desires herself (I do not know where the balance lies between offering a helping hand and retraumatizing by inadvertently pressuring to take action, but you know her better than me and you might estimate better where the balance lies).

Pompeii, VIII.2 (in the basilica); 1904: "O walls, you have held up so much tedious graffiti that I am amazed that you have not already collapsed in ruin."

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