Re: Stalker problems

[Prajnaparamita]

He texted me again yesterday, offering me money if I'd see him. And then last night he called me fourteen times in row at two am.

FOURTEEN TIMES WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!?!

They're all from "caller ID unknown" so I can't even block the number to stop them from coming in.

Needless to say I've barely slept at all.

[reboot]

My hell, that is terrible. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope he pulls his head out of his ass and leaves you alone.

Would you be comfortable turning off your phone's sound at night? Or maybe assigning all unknown numbers a silent ring tone? Remember to screenshot your call log. You cannot see the number, but if push comes to shove, the police can.

[Enail]

That's awful, Prajna! Much sympathy and hope he cuts it out soon.

[Wondering]

My ex did it. Not 14 times in a row, but usually twice in a row, every night for several weeks, always about 30 minutes after I went to bed.

*hugs* Prajna. No one should ever have to go through this.

[Werel]

Uggghh, that's horrible. I am so sorry he's still doing this shit. Seconding reboot's suggestion to maybe silence your phone/unknown numbers at night--your situation is stressful enough without being sleep-deprived on top of it. Hugs.

[Prajnaparamita]

Unfortunately blocking calls from unknown numbers is not an option--there's a large mental health organization in my town that has their calls set up for privacy's sake as unknown when they come in, and there's a counselor who works there who has been helping me in a mentor-like role, and I need to be able to take calls from her.

So I know you guys are all really busy people with lives of their own, but do you think that any of you might be willing to help look into the process for obtaining a restraining order/no contact order (I can't even tell which one we have) in Massachusetts? I feel so tired and overwhelmed right now, because this needs to be done, well, like yesterday but I can't make sense of any of the information on the web. Thank you so much if any of you could spare the time, I really appreciate all the love and support you've given.

[Enail]

Sure, I can look into it.

[Enail]

Since you only went on a few dates and weren't in a relationship, it looks like what you need is a Harassment Prevention Order.

• Fill out this this form and the affidavit form with it.
  
  
   
  • you can request that he be ordered to stop stalking/harassing you, to stop contacting you, and/or pay for costs relating to the harassment (eg. changing locks).
     
    
  • you can also specifically request that he be ordered to stay away from your home and/or your workplace, but if you do that, he will be told the address. It sounds like he already knows your home address, but if he doesn't know your work address, you might want to skip that part and just stick to the general "no contact" request.
     
    
  • You can request a temporary order without him hearing about it so that you don't have to have him present when you have the first hearing, but they'll then schedule a second hearing within 10 business days and he'll be present at that one.
    
  
  
  
• Fill out the http://www.mass.gov/courts/docs/forms/trial/209a/faha-6.pdf form, which is pretty much just your contact info.  
  
  
• Fill out the Defendant Information form as much as you can, to help them find/identify him.
  
  
• Then, you take them to the courthouse and give them to the Clerk's office (if you need it ASAP while the court is closed, you can go to your local police station and they can get a temporary one). Go to http://www.mass.gov/courts/court-info/courthouses/ to look up your location's District Court, Boston Municipal Court or Superior Court.
  
  
• You'll have a hearing with a judge, where they'll look over your papers and ask you some questions, and they'll decide on it and let you know then and there.  If you requested a delay on him being notified, he won't be there (and you'll have to have a second hearing where he is), if you didn't, he'll have the chance to attend.
  

You can also call SAFEPLAN at 617-586-1340 to talk to someone who can help you through the process and give other advice like a safety plan.

Let me know if anything's unclear or there's something else you need to know, sometimes I can be confusing.

[Prajnaparamita]

Thank you so much for your clear and straightforward summary Enail, I really appreciate it, it helped a ton. Having it all laid out for me like that made it so I could finally clearly look through what I needed to do. Unfortunately...

I don't have a case and there's no way they're going to give me a Harassment Prevention Order. See, now that I've looked it up, harassment is defined by US law as making threats that cause you to fear for your physical safety--psychological damage isn't taken into account. There needs to be a direct cause of worry for your physical safety in order for it to count as harassment, as in the messages must have been:
"intended to cause you fear, intimidation, abuse or damage to property, and
that did in fact cause you fear, intimidation, abuse or damage to property. “Abuse” means causing or attempting to cause physical harm or causing fear of imminent serious physical harm. Fear must be fear of being physically hurt."

Unfortunately, every single message my stalker has sent me has been apologetic, remorseful, full of promises that he'll make it up to me or he won't do this again. Which sounds lovely and all when you read them individually, the problem is that I've gotten HUNDREDS of these messages, all pretty much the same in tone and content, after clearly stating that I do not want to hear from him ever again. So... I don't know what to do. It looks like I can't do anything under the law about this, as he's not making threats to harm me. What do I do now?!

[Wondering]

You fill out the forms and turn them in. Don't give up before you try.

Honestly, my ex didn't do those things, either. He just kept saying he wanted to have closure. And to discuss our ended relationship without all the anger. Heck, there was young woman in the case before me the day I got my order who had less going for her than what you describe and she got a protection order, too.

Don't give up before you try.

[Enail]

Hold up, no. The definition of stalking strangely doesn't qualify, but the harassment one does. Section 43A of Massachusetts' law code defines harassment as:

a knowing pattern of conduct or series of acts over a period of time directed at a specific person, which seriously alarms that person and would cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress,

And they reference that definition in the law about the Harassment Protection Order, so that should be the one they're using.

Hundreds of messages, not to mention suicide threats serious enough to warrant calling the police, would definitely cause a reasonable person to suffer substantial emotional distress. You've got a case.

[Wondering]

Absolutely. You have a case.

Don't give up before you try. Men who do these sorts of things bet on that. On you giving up hope of help.

[reboot]

Thirding. Turn the stiff in and let the courts decide. That is what they are there for. You may not think it qualifies, but you are not the expert here.

On the blocked number, could you explain the situation to the counselor and ask them to call on an unblocked number. Trust me, you are not the first client who has had something like this happen or who needed to see who was calling to prevent fear. They should be able to come up with options

[Prajnaparamita]

Do you guys think that just changing my number would be enough for now? He's not tried to come by my house, the only ways he's attempted to contact me are through OKCupid messaging and calling/texting my number. Without either of those, I can't see how he could continue to keep contacting me.

[Enail]

I don't know much about stalking so I'll leave others to weigh in on that.

But I just want to make sure it's really clear about the protection order if you want to go for it: it's not a case of 'it doesn't quite fit your situation but try anyway.' Your situation does very much qualify for the protection order under the official criteria. I think you were looking at the definition of "criminal stalking," which your case doesn't qualify under, but it does qualify under the definition of "criminal harassment." I'm sure it's a hassle and a stress to do, so it makes sense to consider other options first, but please don't give up on it on the idea that the law doesn't cover this, because it does.

[reboot]

It is hard to say. Changing your number might escalate him or might make him back off. If you can afford it and your phone is unlocked, I would get a second number that is your real number and pop your old SIM (and old number) into a cheapie dumb phone that you never turn on. That way he will not know that you never see his messages or hear his calls, but it will not make him come to your door

[Prajnaparamita]

He just came by my house. My mom told him I wasn't home. He then left and came back again.

[eselle28]

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I am so sorry. Looking at the statute that seems like it applies where you live, I think your case absolutely meets the standard, and I think you should get a harassment prevention order.

[Werel]

Jesus, I'm sorry. I hope you can get that prevention order filed soon. That's the sort of thing the police should know about immediately. Sending you calm support vibes.

[Enail]

Shit. I hope the police and/or the harassment protection order help ASAP. So sorry you're going through this.

[Wondering]

Hon, get down to the police department NOW. And get that paperwork submitted. Given that he's come by your house (twice!), they should issue a temporary order right away (depending on your state, but in my state they did and it wasn't even this serious).

Be prepared for him to continue calling you via blocked numbers and not leaving messages, thinking that you can't prove it's him.

But get down to the police department and get it filled out today. You need to do this now. This is escalating, and we have 1 (2?) holidays next week where the dept and courts will be closed. Don't wait.

[reboot]

Wondering is right. Get down there now. He is escalating. And keep yourself safe+hugs if you want them

[Prajnaparamita]

Thought I'd give you guys an update--I just came back from the police station. The officer seemed kind and understanding, and said he'd write me up a strong report. I'm going to pick it up tomorrow, and then go to the courthouse and file for a Harassment Prevention Order. He said it's just chance whether or not I'll be able to get it--it's sort of up to the moods of whoever happens to be working that day (fuck our legal system should not be working like this) but it's worth a try I guess. Scared and nervous for tomorrow. Thank you everyone so much for your support and your urging, it's what made me brave enough to pick up the phone and call them, and then go in.

Also, thinking about picking up some pepper spray. Mace isn't legal in Massachusetts, but I think some other variations are. I would never, ever want to have to use it, but I think it might help me feel just a little bit more in control, especially as now I have to worry that he's going to be lurking outside my home.

[Enail]

Way to go getting a report from the police, that must have been tough to do after your last experience with the police. And best of luck getting the order!

[sky]

I hope the process for getting the order goes well for you, Prajna. That situation sounds really stressful and scary! More jedi hugs for you, or perhaps jedi lightsabers would be more useful?

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