My story so far... (Warning: very sad...)

[Alex1989]

OK... this is gonna be very painful to write... I had a SECOND psychiatric hospitalization, it's been almost a week since I got discharged and the initial buzz is already gone... the thoughts are coming back, the self hatred and the desire to cease to exist is coming back...

I believe at this point I am a lost cause... The meds don't work anymore and the therapists I've seen are less than empathetic. I still feel hollow and hopeless, I've begun to self isolate again, no one calls me, no one visits me... not even a "hello" from Whatsapp...

I have an appointment tomorrow at the VA... there is a possibility that I might get booted from the Army... basically the end of the world for me...

I am now 28 years old... still single, still depressed and lonely. while everyone else around me get ahead socially with little effort, I get stuck in a bottomless black pit. I am literally calling for help... but no one is listening... and if they are they don't care... no one cares.

Maybe I should have gone through with my wish to die...

[Enail]

<mod>Alex, I'm sorry you're hurting so much, but this forum is not a place where you can talk about suicidal thinking, so I'm going to ask you to steer clear of that in the future. We're happy to have you here and to hear how you're feeling, but those specific kinds of thoughts are things you need to talk to mental health professionals, not to a forum of internet loudmouths who don't have the ability to help with that. Please give a call to a helpline or go to the hospital if you need to to keep yourself safe. </mod>

Speaking as me now, I'm really sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. Please try to  remember that you've been able to find help and ways to keep your depression in check before even though things have been really bad in the past, and even though there are ups and downs, and even though this sounds like a particularly hard down, things can get better again. Remind yourself of how you managed to have fun and talk to lots of people at that Con, remind yourself of all the great work you've been doing to help with the hurricane recovery; you've come so far and done so much, and I'm sure you're going to do lots more if you keep it up, no matter what happens with the VA.

Do you have a team who's following up with you after the hospitalization? It sounds like it would be good to check in with someone who knows what you're dealing with. If you can't reach them for a while, can you find a kitty to cuddle with and/or call a help line to hear a friendly voice?

[Werel]

Alex, I'm sorry to hear this is such a rough time for you. I really want to second Enail in saying that you've gotten through incredibly rough times before--this community has seen you pull through some of them, and we're rooting for you.

I've also lived with depression which was better or worse managed at different times of my life, so I really feel where you're coming from. The hopelessness feels real. The interminable misery feels real. But it's not hopeless, and the misery is not forever. You are strong enough to hang in there until things change, which they will. Remind yourself of all the good you're doing in this world, the enjoyable times you've had, and the enjoyable times which are still to come (they are. Really). And do check in with your care team as soon as you can, and please let us know how you're doing.

[littlebluedove]

Hi Alex, I've dealt with some mental health professionals who I didn't feel enough warmth from, either, but that got better for me. I hope that you can hang in there and keep trying until you find someone you connect with. Good luck.

[ReploidArmada]

As someone who still deals with mental health issues to varying degrees, has dealt with suicidal thoughts before, and is currently dealing with some *very* bad news from a few days ago: I second Enail's advice of finding a nice, warm, cuddly kitty to spend time with. If memory serves, kitty purrs are at a very helpful frequency for helping us humans heal and recover, and the kitties themselves are also usually very soft and warm to pet

If you're not a kitty person, then find a puppy! Or some other animal that helps you feel better. The key is to find something, anything, to help distract your mind from the negative and destructive suicidal thoughts. They will pass with time. You should also speak with your mental health professionals for perspective, and just to have another caring, soothing person to vent to, if you need it.

Remember: Suicide is a permanent "solution" to an ultimately temporary problem. I fully understand how hopeless things can seem in one's life, and with what's been going on for me recently, I've been feeling kinda the same way. But... Never forget that there are people in your life who want you to keep fighting. Even if they're just a "forum of internet loudmouths."

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