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Potential flirtation collapsing during quarantine [pseudo-rant]

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Potential flirtation collapsing during quarantine [pseudo-rant] Empty Potential flirtation collapsing during quarantine [pseudo-rant]

Post by Glides Wed Apr 22, 2020 2:30 pm

OK this is purely me complaining and trying to figure out insights into any of this. So basically I did the thing, and starting talking to someone else, and was probably a lot smoother than usual. Honestly just begin any conversation joking about flirting with people and apparently the success rate is no longer 0%.

Here's the thing: new person reminds me very much of my ex the second we've talked longer than a few minutes. I know all the signs by now that they will Be Like My Ex: they will constantly frame themselves as the victim in any anecdotal story they tell about themselves, they will start by describing themselves very positively, and most particularly, their primary word to describe themselves is "empath." Anyone with half a brain understands that a person cannot BE empathetic, but you can identify with people's situations based on what is going on. I can't ever be an empathetic person, but I can have a friend tell me about something that's going on and feel what they're feeling.

Anyway, you see where this is going: this new person suddenly admits they have BPD and in the space of a week, pretty much the entire conversation collapses and I'm instantly discarded. I had confessed that my previous partner had BPD (and that's almost entirely the reason they were an abuser) and that was the end of it. This person made a lot of comments about being abandoned all the time and how it was everyone else's fault and I would turn out just like them, and the second this kicked off, I knew I wasn't going to be around for long. What they wanted was for me to come rushing back and dote on them and then the pattern would be established. It was how my ex got me. And I know I could never get either of them to understand my point of view. So I didn't do that this time. I was just tired, and felt very betrayed, because I realized yet again someone had fashioned a fake personality for themselves to lure a vulnerable and self-loathing person (me) in.

Honestly I wish BPDs just took acting lessons, they're really goddamn fantastic at it. The venus fly traps of people, really.

Fuck. I don't know if it breaks the rules to make a generalization like that but we're now 2/2 in romantic interests having a cluster B personality disorder (which, might I add, another one is literal psychosis) and trying to manipulate me into a compromising situation.

So slap me on the wrist if need be, but I needed to get it out there. I do not understand how this keeps happening.

Glides

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Post by Enail Wed Apr 22, 2020 4:00 pm

<mod>Yeah, you were right, this is not an okay generalization to make.  BPD may be something that creates patterns in the way an abusive person abuses people, and I think it definitely makes sense to avoid people whose issues, reactions and ways of engaging with people remind you of your abusive ex, but having BPD does not itself make someone an abuser or manipulator, and it's not okay to equate the two. Even if mental health issues or personality disorders can sometimes make it harder to interact with people in safe, healthy, respectful ways, people have choices in how they handle those issues and manage their symptoms, and abuse isn't fundamental to any particular mental health condition - which means both that it doesn't excuse abuse, and that it isn't a marker for abusers.

So, when you know something's probably against the rules, next time maybe check with a mod or take out the unacceptable part first rather than just going ahead and posting, please.</mod>

I'm glad you recognized the pattern and noped out of that, way to go!
Enail
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