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dating as competition

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dating as competition Empty dating as competition

Post by Glides Mon Mar 08, 2021 2:32 pm

very glad i got out of the PUA/wannabe incel circuit pre-Gamergate but what I've kept from it is the idea of dating as competition. Your partner is competition towards everyone else's partner and the one most approved of by society wins. It's a fucked up way to view the world and informed the people I dated and why I let them absolutely demolish me in every possible adverb you can imagine. I tolerated so much that I otherwise wouldn't because I understood single people to be the very bottom of the food chain. Single people were classified as people who were unable to find someone even to hook up with.

It's such toxic thinking, and it absolutely destroyed me in terms of relationships. Now I want to leave the one I'm currently in because there's not a single competitive aspect to it. I'm bored senseless at how little this person wants me to constantly be terrified they're going to leave me. It's an open relationship and they're dating a bunch of other people and I'm not dating anyone else. I honestly don't care if it's monogamous or not. I just want to compete with them. I want more partners than them so I'll be "better" than them. That's the only reason I've ever developed attraction for anybody and now it's far too ingrained in my system.

I still look at the rest of my friends and how easily they meet people but what if it's so easy for them because they put no importance on it whatsoever other than monkey brain "me like this" instinct? Which would be the ultimate joke as why I'm bad at dating now. I was bad at dating then because I couldn't pull and now I'm bad at dating because I can't connect without trying to get every person I know to think I am the Best At Dating, which is a quantifier that nobody worth having around cares about. Nobody really cares anymore that I have the least amount of sexual experience out of everyone. People are more disgusted by people who constantly brag about it. Congrats, I win, nobody is judging me for being inexperienced anymore and I'm still miserable.

And I have a partner, and I'm bored senseless, and I feel so awful and sick for being bored by them. I stay because I don't want to be Single so I'll just stay with a person who bores me and doesn't challenge me, because they won't hurt me. Someone said somewhere that some people become more attracted to the safety of a person than the person themself and I am doing this. They are safe. They won't hurt me. They're so concerned with not hurting me that it fucking bores me. I was never bored by the people who hurt me. Not once. I'm not saying that's healthy, I'm just saying that's where my masochistic monkey brain takes me.

Like fuck, when will I grow out of this competitive shit I'm guaranteed to lose? Why can't I just accept love and instead go through this complicated process to make as many people as possible love me? Why must I spend every waking moment envying my friends because this part of life is so fucking easy for them? it's not even that I want their partners, I just want to easily attract people the way they do. I want to Win more than anything else and I can't even quantify anymore what Winning is.

This is all there is, I think. It's just dating and discovering that even if I get a person to like me, I will be bored by every person who likes me and delirious over every person who doesn't. This is the rest of my life. I should've been a virgin for life, this hurts so much worse than that ever did.


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