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Update on my situation and advice about current crush

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Update on my situation and advice about current crush Empty Update on my situation and advice about current crush

Post by litterature Tue Apr 12, 2022 5:09 pm

Hi everyone!

I've been on HRT for 6 years now. I've had SRS and all. I don't pass well, especially not now that I'm temporalily bald due to chemo, but people like my style, so I guess that's something positive about my physical presence!

I got an autism diagnosis, which made me understand many things about myself (why people spontaneously bullied me during my childhood, for one). I've learnt resources on how to successfully interact with others and strive to unlearn masking as much as I can (in safe environments anyway), which has made me become a much bubblier and happier person overall.

I'm now part of the local punk scene and have made lots of good friends - my friends are virtually all women and mostly gay or bi, and I'm so happy about that! I couldn't believe I managed to pretend I was a straight guy for so long. Trying to form friendships with other straight guys was so exhausting because everything we shared was built on my masking and pretending, so eventually I always reached breaking point and ghosted my "friends". I'm sorry about that, but on the other hand they tended to be raging mysogynists so maybe running away was the smartest course of action.

I'm friends with some of my favourite bands and we even talk about wanting to form a side project together, which I'm so excited about! I currently make electronic punk songs on my own, which I can show you if you're interested.

One of the friends I've made on the scene is this amazing music journalist who works for a lot of cool outlets.

I have a massive crush on her, but I don't know how to proceed.

First of all, we are really affectionate to each other. We walk hand in hand and say stuff like "I love you" or "you're so full of light" or "you're in the world to make it brighter". I wonder if she would be that affectionate if she knew that I'm attracted to her. I'm scared that we might grow apart if I tell her or she realises, but on the other hand I guess it's something I have to risk if I want to be sincere as a friend? Also, I think she's an extremely affectionate person in general, so if I actually get closer to asking her out someday I don't know how to evaluate her interest. Maybe there might be other ways of knowing? I mean, I literally met her because she walked up to me and began touching my face and gushing about how pretty my skin is, but I've slept at her place and we slept in different beds, so I know that's not it. Although back then she was in a relationship. My other IRL friends say they're afraid she might be fake or superficial in her effusiveness, but I think it's because they're more hardcore punks and they see her as a hipster, which I'm a bit angry about. Personally I trust her and see her as someone who wouldn't hurt me. For example she gave me a copy of Stone Butch Blues as a birthday gift and wrote a really heartfelt note on it, which I found touching. I think she's a solid friend but I don't know if she'll ever be interested in me otherwise.

Then there's the fact that I'm going through cancer right now. I'll be ok - it's a Hodgkin's lymphoma and they caught it early, so it's totally not serious in the scheme of cancer stuff, but chemo messes me up. I spend like a week in bed after each session, and my stomach is upset all the time, which sounds minor but gets to you after a while. Maybe it's not the best time to attempt dating?

Another thing that I'm worried about is that she broke up with her main partner about a month ago. I know now is not the time to ask her out, but I don't really know how to gauge when the occasion will be right, and the prospect of actually doing something about my attraction makes me anxious - see, I've been serially crushing on unavailable people for ages so I'm not used to actually having a chance (but maybe I don't after all). How do you even ask someone out, especially someone you're already close friends with?

Also, she's just so busy all of the time. I'm ok with not seeing her a lot, and at least I think I'd be ok with it even if we were dating, but maybe she's not looking for a relationship at all if she doesn't have the time? It's not like I can know without asking her, but I feel like it can be such a faux pas if I entertain this idea of something that's wildly out of place.

What do you think? I'm sorry my post came out so disorganised. I'm not too good at writing in English and I had so many things to say I didn't know how to structure my post. Thank you for reading through it. I trust your advice!
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Update on my situation and advice about current crush Empty Re: Update on my situation and advice about current crush

Post by Enail Tue Apr 12, 2022 5:47 pm

Damn, you're up to tons of cool stuff, though I'm sorry you're having to deal with cancer/chemo, that sounds awful. Glad it's not too serious, and hope you feel better soon. The board's very quiet these days, but it's good to see you!

From what you're saying about your crush, how open and affectionate she is, that she sounds comfortable in both her (I assume - afaik Stone Cold Blues isn't a common gift among the straights, but what do I know about the straights Razz ) and your non-straightness, and that she's some form of polyamorous, which all point to being pretty comfortable and non-awkward with love and relationships, I'd say it'd be pretty safe to ask her out without it being too likely to create distance or discomfort between you even if she's not interested.

Timing is tricky after breakups, but as long as she doesn't seem to be still upset or processing it too actively, it's probably okay?
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Update on my situation and advice about current crush Empty Re: Update on my situation and advice about current crush

Post by Datelessman Wed Apr 13, 2022 12:16 pm

Congrats on all of the positive steps you have made in your life, especially when dealing with cancer. My mother was diagnosed with a different kind of cancer last year, had major surgery, and is considering chemo options, so I know it is a lot to deal with. I hope all continues to go well for you.

I've been caught in a situation similar to yours many times. A close friend is between relationships and you have a crush on them, but you worry about affecting the friendship or it seeming "too soon" either in your eyes or your pal's. And from my personal experience, every time I didn't make a move or be honest with the friend, I regretted it later. Usually because someone else -- who either didn't know about the recent breakup or didn't care -- swept in and the friend turned out to be perfectly willing to be swept. As in I literally have seen someone go from "I am done with men or trying to date friends" for 2 weeks in DM to "I'm dating this perfect guy who I've known since grade school" within 24-48 hours.

I can't give advice on how to best do this, though; sorry. But you know your friend and it sounds like you two are already very close. DNL also says that a lot of how someone reacts will depend on how you react if the feelings are not mutual (i.e. if you treat it as no big deal if she doesn't feel the same way and continue acting as the same friend you always were, because you still are) will help keep things smooth. I think so long as you are respectful and tender about it and choose an appropriate time and place, it should go alright no matter what if you are that close. All I do know is you may regret never trying at all later on.
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Update on my situation and advice about current crush Empty Re: Update on my situation and advice about current crush

Post by Hielario Fri Apr 15, 2022 12:38 pm

I am of the same opinion than Datelessman here: I think a month is more than enough and you need to get a move on as soon as possible. I have had  similar experiences once or twice: a female acquaintance I really like breaks up with her boyfriend, I don't do anything because I think it's too soon, and then, poof!: she has a new boyfriend. I think pop culture gives us an exaggerated idea of how much time people need to recover from a breakup.
In general, it's better to regret what you did than to regret what you didn't do.

EDIT: You are right in thinking that your illness and her job might complicate things a lot. But it's the kind of thing that can be solved through careful organizing. Combing through your schedules for a morsel of time you can spend together can be a headache, but I think it's worth the hassle for someone you really want to be with. Time is more malleable than space.

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