i went on a date

[Glides]

very inexplicably. off of tinder. second time in six years i have ever gotten a match and then an interaction that led me to meeting a person in person. hadn't updated my profile in years so it was hella outdated at this point. we got to talking, then texting on and off for a minute, then i was impulsive and asked to see her for coffee. neither of us got coffee. she was half an hour late. didn't really matter though. i wore the socks my ex had bought me last year, that was probably petty. i was v nervous at first. still pretty nervous the whole time.

she texted me this morning and i've been too nervous to respond, but it's pretty innocuous. ok i just responded. the work is also not to put this person on a pedestal and fuck it all up. she's aware vaguely of past trauma and has alluded to it herself. she knows i'm enby. she knows i'm chronically ill. she wants to take things v slow. i'm scared she's going to ghost but obviously i am not going to say that to her. nothing physical happened cuz she already seemed v wary (understandably so) of boundaries and i didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

anyway there's no analysis here. i'm just sharing as if sharing here is some kind of good luck charm so i can see this person again. i like her.

[Enail]

Awesome! Hope things keep going well. Don't forget to pay attention to whether you like her and the way she treats you, not just to whether she likes you!

[Datelessman]

Congrats on landing a date! It is all about putting one foot in front of the other or getting back on that horse, or whatever cliche you like. Hopefully she texts you back, but if not, just landing a date again is progress.

[Glides]

don't worry everyone, i knew the universe would punish me for something good happening. she has almost certainly ghosted me. i would rather just have someone tell me they didn't like the date then pulling this bullshit. i'm not trying anymore. fuck this. fuck it all.

like jesus christ why don't people understand it hurts so much fucking more when you don't just say "actually i'm not interested and actually you have no redeemable qualities"

[Enail]

Sorry, that sucks.

[Hielario]

I'm sorry to hear that, friend. I've been there a lot of times.
Like, come on, is it so difficult to say "Hey, sorry, but I'm not feeling this"?!

[Datelessman]

I am sorry to hear that. We all know the reasons why people ghost, but I know that doesn't numb the pain much when it happens. I hope you do find happiness sometime soon.

[Glides]

ok so im gonna type out the last text she sent after i made this post (with her personal info omitted) and try to interpret this in real time because it's almost certain a breaking off point:

"hey im really sorry for my lack of responses. i feel really bad about it. ive had a rough week and ive started to realize lately than when i hit burnout or just hit my emotional limit that i tend to withdraw from people. im not sure why ive begun to do this or if its a good thing or bad thing for me at this moment. but i do know its not fair to you and i dont think you should have to wait around for someone to be emotionally available. i just want to be transparent with you and let you know that. and im sorry it took me so long to come around to that conclusion."

so my translation, translating it from Neurotypical: "you're a boring wet noodle of a person who bores me and i don't want you to cry if i told you that so i'll pretend to blame myself instead."

anyway, feels good to be back. i was getting too optimistic for a second.

[Enail]

Nope, that's a ridiculous interpretation. There is literally has nothing in the text that would actually suggest any of that even in the most tenuous way. So basically you've just decided that it's gonna be the reason you feel like it should be no matter what evidence to the contrary. Come on, Glides, you can do better than that!

Have you never had a bad period where you've withdrawn from people you liked or not been able to handle new or intense connections? I'm pretty fucking sure you have. So why can't you believe someone else when they're telling you they're experiencing the same thing? If the reason was that she thought you were boring, she probably would have said something like "you're a great person, but I don't think we're compatible, good luck out there." (Not that "I don't think we're compatible" is most often that meaning, just that it's a very broad phrase that can mean a lot of things, so people will also use it to not be too harsh).

It sounds like she might be open to staying in touch, though probably in a very casual, low-key way. So if you'd like to keep texting from time to time and can do that without it making you unhappy you're not dating her or that she's not reliably going to respond, you could let her know you understand and would love to hear from her if she ever feels like chatting in a low-pressure way. But only do that if it's not going to make you miserable or keep you hoping for more endlessly, and if you can enjoy the connection as a platonic thing, b/c it sounds like she might not be in a space to be romantic even casually right now.

[Glides]

Nope, that's a ridiculous interpretation. There is literally has nothing in the text that would actually suggest any of that even in the most tenuous way. So basically you've just decided that it's gonna be the reason you feel like it should be no matter what evidence to the contrary. Come on, Glides, you can do better than that!

Have you never had a bad period where you've withdrawn from people you liked or not been able to handle new or intense connections? I'm pretty fucking sure you have. So why can't you believe someone else when they're telling you they're experiencing the same thing? If the reason was that she thought you were boring, she probably would have said something like "you're a great person, but I don't think we're compatible, good luck out there." (Not that "I don't think we're compatible" is most often that meaning, just that it's a very broad phrase that can mean a lot of things, so people will also use it to not be too harsh).

It sounds like she might be open to staying in touch, though probably in a very casual, low-key way. So if you'd like to keep texting from time to time and can do that without it making you unhappy you're not dating her or that she's not reliably going to respond, you could let her know you understand and would love to hear from her if she ever feels like chatting in a low-pressure way. But only do that if it's not going to make you miserable or keep you hoping for more endlessly, and if you can enjoy the connection as a platonic thing, b/c it sounds like she might not be in a space to be romantic even casually right now.

i mean, in my defense, i texted her within a few hours of that text, it's been over a week, and not a peep. so that just is not the case. my suspicion is that the second she meets someone else, that emotional unavailability will fly right out the window and she'll be very surprised at how available she suddenly is. the right person will make all your supposed "need for space" just dissipate within seconds. every rejection is the other person's fault. every time i've rejected someone else has been because i don't find them attractive. and i have explicitly stated that i just don't feel those feelings instead of beating around the bush the way this person did. and that means we're not a good match anyway if she thinks i'm so delicate and fragile (i mean, i am delicate and fragile, but this hurts far worse and if i have any positive trait, it's taking the near constant sea of rejection far better than some).

but also, considering i experience a mental breakdown every time i experience rejection in any way (with my positive trait being i take it out on myself instead of other people), i just don't feel like it's medically healthy for me to date people. i have spent the past couple weeks in a mental tailspin after one rejection. every time i dare to build my ego back up, one rejection just shatters me on a molecular level. rejection is the single worst possible experience to me. i live in just all-consuming fear of it. every rejection will always feel like a personal insult, like the other person saying "you don't deserve to be alive." and yes, it's very unhealthy to make your reasons to live involving other people's approval. i am still very much on the self-sabotage train and the universe will keep punishing you for being unable to stop self-sabotaging yourself because you don't know how to love and if someone offers it, it will be broken. if this person was magically available and we started dating, i'd find a way to fuck it up. it's what i've done in every relationship. so far, the pattern is pretty set in stone. i don't know how to date a person without doing that. so maybe it is for the best, and she spared me a lot of heartbreak, and i'm being ungrateful. but then again, i have literally been on some form of this forum for ten years and here we are.

[Enail]

The fact that she hasn't replied doesn't mean that she was therefore lying to be nice. Not responding is entirely consistent with not being in a state to be available. Like, what on earth else would you expect that 'unavailable' would mean if not that she doesn't necessarily reply?!

It might have been nice if she were up for staying in low-key contact, but even if she's not it doesn't mean she didn't like you; staying connected with a new person is one of the harder things to do when you're out of social energy, ime - I landed up having a couple of new potential friendships fade out when I was dealing with health problems, just because I didn't have it in me to try and build those connections at that time, even though they were both people that I was really enthusiastic about potentially becoming friends, so I am very confident that is a thing.

And yeah, at another moment or another person might land up being someone she can find the emotional availability for, but even that doesn't mean that it's because she just liked the other person so much she could overcome it whereas she didn't like you enough for that. Different people are easier to fit into one's life at different times; again with friendship but the same concept applies to dating, I think: I have several friendships that wax and wane depending on what our lives are like, some friends are great when you need emotional support but are too intense for when you're burned out, some are the opposite, and all kinds of reasons both practical and personal factor in. So it'd be entirely normal to really like two people but land up dating the one that fits better into her life and mental state at this particular time.

And there's absolutely no reason to go constructing a whole structure of reasons you don't know and situations that don't exist that will make you feel maximum bad about yourself. All you actually know here is that she didn't feel she could date you now, every single other thing you've said about this is pure fantasy. It's natural to be hurt when someone rejects you, but what feels true isn't the same as what is true.

I'm sorry rejections are so devastating for you, that's incredibly rough. If you feel like it's too damaging to date and risk rejection right now, there's nothing wrong with putting a stop on it for a while while you focus on stabilizing yourself, and reconsider down the road if you feel a little more able to handle it; it doesn't have to mean forever. Especially given how hard the last few years have been on you with the pandemic, you might just need some recovery time for it to be a doable thing.

I know you know it in theory, but just to hear it from an outside voice: you deserve to live, and you have worth intrinsic to you, that is untouchable by other people's approval or disapproval.

[Hielario]

I could write a mammoth refutation of all your logic, but lately I suspect my pills are making me too argumentative and angry, so I'll skip to something more substantive:
I get it, okay? I get it. Every rejection is just a reminder we're worthless and insignificant and unlovable and no matter how much time passes or how much you work, it keeps hurting. But the thing is...you have actual proof you can be wanted. Remember the relationships you've had. Remember the women who have wanted you. Even if things turned out badly, even if they were horrible people who hurt you, even if they abandoned you, they loved/wanted/lusted you, at least for a while. You have been wanted before, and therefore it can happen again. They can want you. The possibility EXISTS. Hold onto that and use it against the pain of having been rejected once again.

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