reading the old posts again [reflection/pseudo-rant but not like a mean one i swear]

[Glides]

so i lost my phone this morning in my own damn apartment (or somehow it was stolen despite my keys, wallet, car, computer, tv, video game stuff, not being stolen) and i have to get a new phone today and i was freaking out about that.

so i instead decided on a whim to go back as far as i could to read my oldest posts from the account that is now deleted. very impulsively. just get a full look at every ounce of hostility i offered the world and all the shit i said that i wouldn't dream of saying now. i did type all that and antagonize everything. i fixated on losing my virginity and now i just generically want to date and it sucks being single and stuff. i also haven't slept very much today.

i just felt very sad, mostly. just reading it all almost ten years to the day later and seeing the sheer tidal wave of anger i was during that time. on a societal level, that angry person was failed at almost every level.

the majority of the specific examples i complained about are things i don't remember. a lot was said of me reading negative responses in everything and hyperbolizing until something that happened became a very different thing.

one of the people i complained about back in the day was called Her, and i claimed she was telling me these stories of her different partners to spite me, and at the time i believed it, and it is far more likely she just needed someone to talk to about all of it. Ironically, me and Her eventually started talking again a couple years ago. Not all that frequently, maybe like once a month or so, but we just talk and shit and it's vaguely flirty and that's about it. She was going through a lot of shit. Now we just talk and we are no longer teenagers bt just fully adults and we talk. And it feels so anticlimatic to talk to a person my diseased mind once told me was my soulmate and shit.

I am not sure what i would do if me now encountered a person like me at 17. i have no earthly clue. i would not like to be the smart person of the two of us. it just feels numb and cold and dissociating to see all that i said. not like it excuses me, i sure did type the shitty things.

i still dont often tell people when i like them. i've been single since november. i havent been on a date since that one person who told me she wasn't emotionally available. i work at my job and i live in my apartment and i lost my phone today even though i left it right beside me on the bed when i went to sleep.

i don't know if this is right. i don't know how i'll look at this if i make it to 37. i don't feel sad or good, just very tired and very lonely and missing my phone.