Terrible, horrible, hilariously awful dating advice

[reboot]

My aunt just sent me this link which has to be some of the worst dating advice I have seen in a long time. I particularly love for their utter horribleness:

* Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
* Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
* Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly

Scariest thing is someone out there is following this advice...

Anyone have some other shining examples of badness?

[Stumbles]

Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practice on a mirror if you have to

...what? Call me ridiculous, but practicing on a mirror? I fail to see how that makes you a better kisser.

It's about communication and what kissing type you like...or am I doing it wrong?

[Guest]

To be fair, I wouldn't call this actual 'advice' per se, but it's certainly terrible, horrible and hilariously awful all the same:

when a boy tells you he loves you, doubt him. narrow your eyes and look at him with suspicion. stop talking to him for three days and stop answering his texts. see if he grows tired of you. or bored. if you find him making a phone out of tin cans and string, that means he’s trying.

on your first date, wear a lace bra and see-through shirt and see if he treats you like a body instead of a person. see if he can even look you in the eyes. see if he talks more than he listens.

take him to a bar and watch what he does when he thinks you aren’t looking. see if his eyes undress every saint and sinner in the room.

see how patient he is. use your lips and your hips and your hands. bring him within an inch of lust and take it away. see how he responds.

when a boy tells you he loves you, ask him how much. if he tells you in texts of size 12-point font, ask him to tell you again in person because you’ll want to remember this moment. you’ll want to know how his voice falters and shakes, how he fumbles for words. you’ll want to remember the exact rhythm of his heaving chest when he tries to explain that pieces of you have made a home in his lungs.

and so if he arrives at your door, and throws the words in your face, deadpan, you’ll know that not even god could bring them back to life.

In other words, deliberately fuck with his head. Because that's a totally mature thing to do.

[nearly_takuan]

snip

If he fails any of these tests, he sees you as an object. If he passes, he's a Nice Guy™ and therefore dangerous.

[nearly_takuan]

Took me a while to track it down again, but a friend and I had a good laugh over this when he found it:

In SIX days ... the HOT period will begin.

Allow me to give you a break down on the period from January 2nd till February 14th:

1) January 2nd - January 14th : the beginning of the HOT period All the single ladies will have felt the STING of being alone for Christmas (or whatever other December holiday they celebrate) and alone during New years eve. It's a DOUBLE WHAMMY of despair and being alone.

During this period, many single ladies will be a LOT more open to a guy coming up to them IN PERSON and asking them out. HOWEVER, be aware that there defenses are still up a huge percent, so they are not as vulnerable as they would be during the LATER parts of the hot period.
In other words, while you may want to start talking to girls during this phase of the HOT period, wait until phase 2 (SCORCHING HOT period, from January 15th - February 1st) to start asking them out as their defenses will be MUCH, MUCH lower.

Also, while I do NOT recommend dating sites for most of the year, during this HOT period, sign up for dating sites. I HIGHLY recommend setting up a dating profile (try FREE sites like Okcupid and Plenty of Fish during the HOT period ONLY). But do NOT message anyone yet. Just spend January 2nd till January 14th polishing your profile and carefully selecting your best pictures (or getting pictures taken)..


2) January 15th - February 1st : SCORCHING HOT period
Okay,
So during this period, the single ladies who were alone during Christmas and New Years are realizing "Oh, crap, VALENTINES day is coming!!!"

During this phase, the time to strike would be during this phase. You must STRIKE and start approaching as MANY girls as possible.
As for the online dating, STRIKE and start sending e-mails like a mad man during this phase.
The time to strike is during the SCORCHING HOT period!!!!

Show no mercy!!! ASK OUT AS MANY GIRLS AS YOU CAN!!!

3) February 2nd - February 13th: SUDDEN DEATH HOT period

During this phase, some girls will already be eyeing someone that they meet during the SCORCHING HOT period.
HOWEVER ...
Some of the more pickier girls have begun to realize that "Holy crap, Valentines is coming. What will I do???" and defenses will drop dramatically!!!!
If you didn't find a girl during the SCORCHING HOT period, there is a good chance you will during the SUDDEN DEATH HOT period

You might want to consider talking to the Columbian girl and Facebook girl again during this phase if you did NOT find another girl during the SCORCHING HOT phase

HOWEVER, keep e-mailing girls on those dating sites and asking out OTHER girls in person like crazy. Take no prisoners!

4) February 14th: NUCLEAR BOMB HOT period
Still don't have anyone? Go for the final strike during the night at a club, bar, or mall and ask out any girls who clearly do NOT have any guy with them.
Defenses are near non-existent during this phase.
But be aware that your choices will be limited since most girls will have dates during this night

Do note this was just some random idiot in one of the worst forums I've ever seen, not (praise the small mercies still left in this reality) a professional advice-giver.

That said, the comment immediately following it said "^ Awesome, great advice."

[Barretts_Salt]

I haven't seen this little gem for a while -- but maybe I just haven't been reading the right (?) magazines?

"For better sex, pick a fight with him.  He'll be angry and passionate -- and the sex will be so hot."

Or words to that effect.  ISTR that was vintage Cosmo advice

[eselle28]

snip

Wow, that is some bad advice. I'm curious whether the person giving it has actually tried it. I mean, he does start with one accurate statement. There are lots of new people on dating sites in the early months of the year. I don't think it's so much the "single at the holidays" thing as that November and December can be inconvenient times to date because of holiday obligations and that a lot of people who've been thinking about trying online dating will finally get around to it in January.

But the idea that people are trying desperately to find dates in the first two weeks of February seems so odd to me, given that holidays are always incredibly awkward when you've first started dating someone. I'd also say that when I've gone out with female friends on Valentine's Day, there's been much more of a, "I'm just here to dance with my friends!" mentality than on a typical night. But maybe this person knows very different women.

[reboot]

So I just hit up some of my friends to send me their bad dating advice and here is a "winner" from Steve Harvey

Some o_O

"Men have an agenda. According to Harvey, another thing women need to understand is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."

When a man approaches a woman, Harvey says, he already knows what he wants from her, but he doesn't know what it will cost. "How much time do you want from me? What your standards? What are your requirements? Because we'll rise to the occasion no matter how high you set the bar if we want to," he says. "The problem is women have stopped setting the bar high.""

Whoa boy.....

[eselle28]

For women:

* Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday. This rule doesn't just apply to first dates, either. If your fiance gets some free concert tickets from his buddy at work on Thursday, you should still tell him you're busy on Saturday. If he wanted you to be available for spontaneous things on Saturday nights, he should have already had a standing date with you.

For men:

* Something something negging. (Really, anything that involves negging.)

For both:

* Any of the strict, universal, time-based rules, especially if they involve the number three. Waiting three days to call is probably a bad move in this day and age, and the third date rule simultaneously puts up a false barrier between people who've already decided they like each other and want to have sex, pushes people who'd rather wait longer to feel like they have to have sex or their partner has to agree to it, and puts a ridiculous amount of emphasis on PiV while leaving lots of other things murky. Some people do need to use time limits to curb unfortunate dating tendencies, but all the ones I know that are useful for people were tailored to them specifically.

* Someday, it will just happen, probably when you're not looking for it. Uh, no. Sometimes people absolutely need to take a break from dating or looking for dates, but it works best when people go into it with clear reasons rather than flimsy excuses. If you're already struggling to find dates, deciding not to look for awhile will give you a break, but it's unlikely to result in someone perfect showing up on your doorstep.

[eselle28]

"Men have an agenda. According to Harvey, another thing women need to understand is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."

What a charmer. How could any woman resist?

When a man approaches a woman, Harvey says, he already knows what he wants from her, but he doesn't know what it will cost. "How much time do you want from me? What your standards? What are your requirements? Because we'll rise to the occasion no matter how high you set the bar if we want to," he says. "The problem is women have stopped setting the bar high.""

This does not sound like the statement of someone who's dated a man, or for that matter, any other human being.

[nearly_takuan]

Other obviously bad forms of advice, in general:

Anything about not needing to change anything, when the recipient has obviously not seen any success as-is. Also includes remarks like "you'd be a great match for (person who has not given their opinion)."

Anything specific about what $group wants. Bonus antipoints if it's an exact match for an existing stereotype pretty much everyone is already aware of: "Women want signs of commitment." "Men want to know they're going to get sex out of the deal."

[caliseivy]

"Men have an agenda. According to Harvey, another thing women need to understand is that every man has a plan. "Men don't come up to you to just talk. We come up to you with a plan," he says. "We're looking across the room at you, and we don't care about your hopes and dreams. We don't care about what your future holds. We saw something we wanted."

What a charmer. How could any woman resist?  

Harvey was thoughtful enough to write a whole book of gems like this. Then he made a movie that's essentially based off this book so full of win.

The only bad advice I can think of right now is as a female don't pay for (or offer to pay for) any portion of the check because it set a precedent of the guy always mooching off of you or because paying your own way will damage his ego or intimidate him and scare him away.

Don't eat while on a date (for women, obviously). Something about actually eating was some kind of turn-off or lowered his impression of you. It was something along those lines.

[eselle28]

Don't eat while on a date (for women, obviously). Something about actually eating was some kind of turn-off or lowered his impression of you. It was something along those lines.

I've actually heard the opposite advice being given more recently, that a woman should make a point of ordering something inexpensive and relatively high-calorie like a cheeseburger to demonstrate that she's low maintenance. (I'm crossing my fingers that the next trend in ordering advice is to opt for something you actually feel like eating on that particular day.)

[Robjection]

I can only assume that the person behind that "don't eat while on a date" advice once dated someone who made a point of showing him the chewed-up food in her mouth or something. That's currently the only thing I can think of that might make the act of eating some kind of a turn-off.

[caliseivy]

Don't eat while on a date (for women, obviously). Something about actually eating was some kind of turn-off or lowered his impression of you. It was something along those lines.

I've actually heard the opposite advice being given more recently, that a woman should make a point of ordering something inexpensive and relatively high-calorie like a cheeseburger to demonstrate that she's low maintenance. (I'm crossing my fingers that the next trend in ordering advice is to opt for something you actually feel like eating on that particular day.)

I might have read it on some site. It's been quite awhile since I saw that advice anywhere, but this is the first time I've seen what you mentioned.
Wow, I'm much farther out of the dating world than I thought I was.

[eselle28]

Oh, I remembered some other great ones, also from The Rules:

* Break up with a man if he doesn't buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentine's Day. Romantic gift preferably means jewelry, but could also mean candy or flowers. Electronics and books are specifically on the list of things that are too practical to be given as gifts. And, no, it doesn't matter if you love electronics and reading, but never wear jewelry and are allergic to flowers. Someone who actually stops to think about your tastes is shopping with his head, rather than his heart.

* Many men will be angry if you don't sleep with them on the first or second date because they're used to being spoiled by other women (the "right" time to have sex is somewhere between a month or two and marriage). That's a good thing, though! It indicates interest, and that man will probably call you to ask you out again. No consideration of whether a woman should want to continue dating a man who reacts to sexual rejection with anger.

* When you do have sex, don't give a man any suggestions on what to do. Don't suggest incorporating porn or sex toys. Oh, and like the other Rules, this one applies through engagement and after marriage.

[Gentleman Johnny]

I'm crossing my fingers that the next trend in ordering advice is to opt for something you actually feel like eating on that particular day.

Oh, yeah, because suggesting that you enjoy yourself when out doing fun things with someone is going to happen! Any dating advice guru who says that is good for exactly one book ever. Its like shooting yourself in the foot after running a marathon.

[Guest]

I watched a segment on Steve Harvey's show where a women mentioned not being successful at finding and keeping men she liked.

His response was to say, "Date an ugly man". Because apparently, said man will treat you like gold by virtue of being ugly alone.

How can someone with that level of influence spout such tripe?

[Lemminkainen]

Any dating advice which conflates people's numbers of lifetime sexual partners with the number of sexual partners that they have at a given time. Yes, there is a group of guys who have significantly more sexual partners than other guys do. But concluding, as people like Heartiste do, that those guys are also the sex partners of like 80% of women at any given time is absolutely ludicrous. Most people with a high lifetime number of sex partners have a lot of one-night stands or are high-turnover serial monogamists. In real life, harems are rare.

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