NerdLounge
Would you like to react to this message? Create an account in a few clicks or log in to continue.

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

+18
KMR
Werel
sky
eselle28
ElizaJane
Enail
bomaye
jcorozza
StrangePanda
reboot
Wondering
Jayce
Conreezy
Hae
Caffeinated
Prajnaparamita
The Wisp
PintsizeBro
22 posters

Page 12 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12

Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Fri Sep 17, 2021 4:59 am

It's understandable to be a little hung up on the coworker thing. It wasn't just a rejection, it was feeling abandoned by someone you thought was a friend and not being able to continue the friendship even with dating off the table. I actually value friendship very heavily. Mostly because I do not make friends easily and I am not always the easiest person to befriend; I'm like an alley cat who can go from "get away from me" to "I'm used to you now let's be pals" at an undetermined interval. It's okay to mourn the loss of it in the short term. Ghosting is the path of least resistance to rejecting people and it is possible she did not value the friendship as much as you did, or she may have (incorrectly) assumed things after you asked her out.

Some friendships just kind of wither and die. I remember having a best (male) friend from 6th thru 8th grade, during some of the worst and most bullied years of my youth (which basically impacted my self image seemingly permanently). We went from spending almost all of our school and non school time together for 3+ years to being perfect strangers. The worst part of it was the feeling that he had used me to help him adapt more to American society, since when we met he'd only been in America a few months. Towards the end he once told me, "You taught me how to be cool, and now I'm cool and you're not," when he was actively dating and being more social, as that was his true self once his culture shock ended, while I was still more interested in just a few pals and geeky stuff like watching anime, since that was who I am. For a while I wondered how exactly I taught him to be a "cool dude" who could easily attract women when I never could; was I that good a teacher? But then I realized all I did was help indicate where the social and cultural norms were here, and once he had that down his natural charisma (which I never had) could shine thru. I never regretted the friendship, because it did bring me joy during a dark period and I gained some experience from it. That is usually the best way I can think of to move on from a friendship that ends in an unresolved and disappointing way. Which many do.

Try to focus your memories on the good parts of your friendship, such as the opportunity to be vulnerable and supportive of another woman and how nice that felt, and less on the underwhelming conclusion. The life we get is really just a series of memories in a mental scrapbook and once emotional pain is over we have some ability to order and structure it. That or see them as superhero team-ups, which can also end awkwardly and sometimes never to be repeated. Spider-Man may team up with Wolverine all the time, but NFL Superpro? Only once. I've had many friendships grind to a halt over the years and I always found some way to take something positive from each one with me later on.

I totally understand the idea of not wanting to talk to people just to "practice" due to being an introvert and not having the energy. There was an episode of KING OF THE HILL where Bill is going back to playing high school football just to reclaim a touchdown record (which was undone in an unfair manner), but his body couldn't handle the rigors and he says, "I can train, or I can play. I can't do both." That line stuck to me for matters like this. It took me a long time to realize that I can be drained by too much social interaction, which is why I was usually fine for small gatherings but bad at parties or bars or clubs (beyond the noise). There also can be a sense, at least with myself as an older inexperienced guy, to not want to "waste time" or that finite energy on dead ends.

Talking to anyone who you have more in common with is always a boon. Once you find someone in that tribe, it is always a pleasure to talk to them, even on a platonic level.

I always am wary of mingling my social and work lives, though. I do talk to lady co-workers and there have been some I was attracted to but I have always been most wary of asking any out. Navigating that stuff is hard even for expert daters; "no dating people from work" is a rule for many for a reason. You don't want to risk a misunderstanding on either end effecting your livelihood.

You may see that woman again at the gym and have a second chance. The one advantage of knowing someone into Metroid is that if things do get serious, a double entendre about Samus' "screw-attack" kind of writes itself. I am at the stage in my life where I save puns in a back pocket.
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:52 pm

Yeah, I’ll live. Just needed to get some of that out there about the coworker.

Sure some friendships run their course. Life gets in the way, things happen. We can mourn some, we can let go of others, it’s all relative imo.

And eh, I think I’ll pass on the memories. It’s a bit too painful and just upsets me about what I may have done wrong. Or if I wasn’t good enough and just wonder what happened or whatever. Too much goes through my head, was she only pretending to be nice? I dunno, again, I think too many things.

I feel like Bills circumstances are a little different than mine but I understand what you’re saying lol. Thankfully I’m good at adapting and can get second winds, only the people I know don’t take the energy outta me. Some exceptions but in general it’s everyone else that bugs me.

I’m not super worried about mixing work with pleasure I guess so long as I’m not a gross asshole about it. In our sexual harassment training, it was stated that asking for a date is not harassment. Though repeatedly asking for dates is considered harassment. Plus, i know myself enough to know I wouldn’t intentionally harass someone. Plus, neither I or new coworker are in positions of “power”.

And maybe I will see this gym woman again, I’ll chat them up sooner when they’re not on the floor lol.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by inbloomer Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:51 am

Getting slow faded or ghosted can be hugely painful and I have total sympathy. Though I think it usually is preceded by a period where there were signs this connection wasn't going in the right direction. It may be that you did absolutely nothing wrong and you'd just reached the limit of what you had in common, but the social skill is to see those straws in the wind and back off gracefully, rather than trying once more and once more until you get a more abrupt no.

Do be careful about approaching women in the gym. It's generally a space that women see as "public-private", i.e. they don't want to start conversations with strangers. It's possible that if you keep seeing the same person there regularly, you could start to acknowledge each other and get more friendly, but I wouldn't start firing off random compliments.

inbloomer

Posts : 103
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2017-03-16

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Sun Sep 19, 2021 4:45 pm

I would have preferred an actual no from the get go instead of being ghosted and then floating in an unknown limbo. I know we’re different people but that’s ok. We had good conversations and I felt like we connected well too. Or I coulda been an idiot and it was all a one sided connection. Who knows, it’s over, I need to get over it.

As for the gym woman, I genuinely liked their tattoo. Not many people I see, much less women, with Metroid ink. And honestly that was all that I was gonna say; I liked their tattoo bit if she asked me any questions, I’d answer. Otherwise, that was gonna be the extent of my conversation with that person lol. If they felt uncomfortable or confronted me, I’d apologize and move on. I honestly wasn’t attracted that much to them either, they just had a cool tattoo I don’t see very often.

Remember, I’m a moron who can’t flirt, and if they mistake my genuine compliment for a come on or flirt, that’s their problem. Plus, it’s not just what you say but how you say it too. A casual and friendly “hey I like your samus tattoo!” versus a more sultry tone of voice convey different things, I would think.

Ultimately, like I said, I didn’t wanna be rude when she moved to floor when I was leaving.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail Sun Sep 19, 2021 8:19 pm

Imo it'd be totally fine to make a comment like that as long as you do it at a considerate time and without any expectations of continued interaction or intention to hit on her, both of which it sounds like you've got covered.
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 4674
Reputation : 2750
Join date : 2014-09-22

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Hielario Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:19 pm

Fingers crossed with the gym thing, sounds like a nicer place than mine, where all women my age are either with their headphones or their boyfirends.

Do be careful about approaching women in the gym. It's generally a space that women see as "public-private", i.e. they don't want to start conversations with strangers.
I don't exactly disagree, but I would like to remark that it's also a pretty good place to "show off the goods" without having to worry about making them uncomfortable.


Last edited by Hielario on Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

_________________
Aspie and HATING IT.
Hielario
Hielario

Posts : 262
Reputation : 53
Join date : 2018-03-12

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:40 pm

To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 4674
Reputation : 2750
Join date : 2014-09-22

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:37 am

Hielario wrote: Fingers crossed with the gym thing, sounds like a nicer place than mine, where all women my age are either with their headphones or their boyfirends.
If they do, cool, but I’m not about interrupt someone in the middle of their routine boyfriend or not. Wink

Hielario wrote:
I don't exactly disagree, but I would like to remark that it's also a pretty good place to "show off the goods" without having to worry about making them uncomfortable.
Well, I have no goods to show off, so I’m not worried lol.

Enail wrote:To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.
Precisely. It’s also kind of like exposure therapy in talking to random women too and learning to converse a bit better? I dunno.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by inbloomer Wed Sep 22, 2021 2:29 pm

Enail wrote:To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.

Yeah, I think that sports facilities are quite complex spaces when it comes to approaching people, even in a just being friendly way. On the one hand it's a shared interest and some people absolutely are doing it for a social aspect. But on the other hand, some people see it as their one bit of me time, where they can get in the zone without anyone staring at them or interrupting them. So I'm not saying it can't work, but for general racking up experience in social interaction, I'd recommend something like a tour group, where there's a stronger expectation that everyone will chat and be polite to each other.

Edit: just while I'm thinking about it, I think that in these more complex spaces there's often a "pre-approach" phase, where you want to make a first eye contact that's positive. For example, if she's joking with someone about something and you're kind of between them and can't help overhearing. That might be a foundation to start saying hi when you see her, and then after that a proper conversation. But if the first eye contact comes across as creepy staring from the sidelines, you've basically blown your chances at once. In the simpler spaces where approaching is more expected, people are much more forgiving about the initial approach being a bit awkward.

inbloomer

Posts : 103
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2017-03-16

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Mon Oct 18, 2021 1:09 am

Speed dating sucks.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Sun Dec 12, 2021 11:26 am

Joined a running meetup group of sorts. Ya meet, ya go for a run and enjoy a beer afterwards.

Befriended a couple people, namely one of them, a girl. Don’t want to put the cart before the horse though. She seemed nice enough, talked to me after the run and I even walked her to her car myself. Best part is she’s also a nerd lol.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

inbloomer likes this post

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by inbloomer Sun Dec 12, 2021 11:48 am

That all sounds good - take care your emotions don't jump ahead, though it sounds like you are being careful - but these are the right kind of actions to be taking!

inbloomer

Posts : 103
Reputation : 11
Join date : 2017-03-16

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Mon Dec 13, 2021 4:22 am

The Mikey wrote:Speed dating sucks.

It can. I did three speed dating events; two around 2009 and the last one at a comic con in 2015. They can be exhausting and while it is a good way to see a lot of women who are single, they really have the pick of the litter and it can feel like a job interview. I do think the last time around I did as well as could be expected. I never got a nibble.

I am glad the MeetUp seems to be working out, at least in terms of running and meeting new folks casually. You never know what may come of it!
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Mon Jan 17, 2022 3:03 am

inbloomer wrote:That all sounds good - take care your emotions don't jump ahead, though it sounds like you are being careful - but these are the right kind of actions to be taking!
Way easier said than done. I’m crushing super hard on them, I haven’t been able to ask them out because their attendance hasn’t been super consistent, but I got her number and added on Facebook lol.

Datelessman wrote:
The Mikey wrote:Speed dating sucks.

It can. I did three speed dating events; two around 2009 and the last one at a comic con in 2015. They can be exhausting and while it is a good way to see a lot of women who are single, they really have the pick of the litter and it can feel like a job interview. I do think the last time around I did as well as could be expected. I never got a nibble.

I am glad the MeetUp seems to be working out, at least in terms of running and meeting new folks casually. You never know what may come of it!
Looking back, I think I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder as well as being nervous about it and my head wasn’t really in the game. Hard to describe tbh. I definitely didn’t feel like I was all in. I feel now like I could probably do it better, not sure, I’d have to try again.

Absolutely, I’ll still keep doing the running at least if this girl doesn’t work out.
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Fri Jan 21, 2022 3:00 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Looking back, I think I had a bit of a chip on my shoulder as well as being nervous about it and my head wasn’t really in the game. Hard to describe tbh. I definitely didn’t feel like I was all in. I feel now like I could probably do it better, not sure, I’d have to try again.

Absolutely, I’ll still keep doing the running at least if this girl doesn’t work out.

Sounds like a good plan.

My 2009 Speed Dating experience versus my 2015 one was very drastic. It wasn't just a matter of aging 6 years; by 2015, I had already had about 4 years of call center experience which has drastically aided me in being able to make small talk or condense a lot of info into a few moments. It taught me how to come with "an opener" and so on. That said, Speed Dating doesn't seem to work for most people and while it can be good "exposure therapy" (i.e. "forcing" you to have to speak with a dozen or two women over the course of a few hours), I can't say I have ever heard of anyone having any success with it. It may have worked better in the early 2000's before dating apps and websites really took hold, but these days is kind of a lark.

But it sounds like your challenge is finding women to connect to and make an approach with while also enjoying your best life.
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Hielario Tue Jan 25, 2022 9:02 am

I can't say I have ever heard of anyone having any success with it. It may have worked better in the early 2000's before dating apps and websites really took hold, but these days is kind of a lark.

On the other side, i think you can expect there some of the effort and basic civility that are absent online. Might even make a comeback, since there seems to be a lot of people who are burned out from online dating's false promises.

_________________
Aspie and HATING IT.
Hielario
Hielario

Posts : 262
Reputation : 53
Join date : 2018-03-12

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Wed Jan 26, 2022 7:55 pm

Hielario wrote:
On the other side,  i think you can expect there some of the effort and basic civility that are absent online. Might even make a comeback, since there seems to be a lot of people who are burned out from online dating's false promises.

I haven't heard of speed dating making a "comeback" in terms of relevancy and success rates. Promotors for events still exist; I've continued to receive emails from the one I used twice in 2009 despite it being almost 14 years later. Like with political or blood donations, once your email is in the system it is FOREVER. Covid-19 of course is another factor, but I suppose it could be done virtually without much hassle.

Speed dating can be exhausting and produce burn-out all on its own. After all, as rough as online dating may be, the typical response is nothing. At a speed date, you get to remember all 20-30 something faces who spent 2-3 minutes with you and said, "Nah." And that includes having to dress up and go out and give what can feel like a series of mini job interviews, condensing who you are and what you want into as few words as possible.

Like I said, I did it three times and I really felt that the 2015 one I did at the comic con I was on my game. It is incredibly rare for me to go into any situation alluding to romance and come out going, "It didn't work out but I genuinely gave it my best and I feel good about my performance and improvement," but for that I did. Call center experience actually made it easier to not only chat up random people, but sense when I had lost them so I knew how to keep things merciful for both of us. On the downside, I imagine half the room heard my "opener" before I got to them. I doubt I would do it again.

Maybe MeetUps are a more platonic evolution? People with shared interests meet up at a designated date and time, sometimes with activities to make interaction easier, with the pressure of trying to land a date or get a number (theoretically) off the table? I don't know.


Last edited by Datelessman on Thu Jan 27, 2022 12:52 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Clarity)
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail Thu Jan 27, 2022 1:08 am

Hey, Datelessman, can you try not to make assertions about what things look like from a woman's perspective about stuff like this? You're showing some definite skew there, in a way I find a bit problematic.
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 4674
Reputation : 2750
Join date : 2014-09-22

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Thu Jan 27, 2022 12:51 pm

Enail wrote:Hey, Datelessman, can you try not to make assertions about what things look like from a woman's perspective about stuff like this? You're showing some definite skew there, in a way I find a bit problematic.  

Sorry. I'll edit it accordingly to remove that segment, so that way there's no risk of anyone replying regarding that part and this goes further into the weeds.
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Enail Thu Jan 27, 2022 2:38 pm

Thanks!
Enail
Enail
Admin

Posts : 4674
Reputation : 2750
Join date : 2014-09-22

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Mon Mar 14, 2022 9:21 pm

Small lil update, I managed to ask out that girl from my running group. Turns out she had a boyfriend already. I don’t wanna sound like an asshole, but I’ve had to wonder how true that is since never once in our conversations did a bf ever up in passing. Sad A friend of mine when I told her this too, she offered up the notion that perhaps Runner Girl has a life outside of her relationship as well and doesn’t do this particular activity with her partner. Which is totally plausible too! I took it at face value regardless and I felt. . . numb. Or maybe it was my way of shielding myself from crying in my car.

That week too I managed to get another girl talking to me while at a location for work at a diner, she was the host. I asked her for a coffee and then she started chatting me up, which almost never happens. So, I obliged her and chatted and I even said I’d go again when she was there. I did, I slipped her my number the next time I saw her and actually got a text days later. I expected her to toss my number out but she texted me anyway. Turns out she had a girlfriend.

Of course that would happen to me. No

It’s been a month almost and I’ve been struggling to get on with it. I was worried more about the Running Group girl not coming back to the run group because of me. She hasn’t. Whether it’s because of me or her knee (she fell the day I asked her out during our run), I feel it’s probably because of me she hasn’t returned. Happy tears

Sigh. Now my confidence and some other things has been in tatters since then. Two L’s in a week were not good for my mental health, but I did manage to cop a pair of Air Jordan 1s that week too!
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Tue Mar 15, 2022 12:32 pm

I know it has been rough and I don't want to just lob a platitude at you, but it is admirable that you are keeping an open mind and taking opportunities in your everyday life while doing things you enjoy. That is not easy to do, especially when you're not the most experienced or confident. I know I haven't made consistent efforts as you have for various reasons in at least 5-10 years.

For what it is worth, as I got older I try not to focus so much on whether or not a rejection is "genuine," i.e. "whether or not she really had a boyfriend." I do agree that most people, though not all, will mention a significant other if you chat with them enough even in casual conversation. That said, even if she "made up a boyfriend" to let you down gently, it doesn't change the reality. There's no "Dating Court" where you can catch someone committing perjury and issue a "Coffee Date Injunction." The best you can do is handle it with dignity and grace, which it sounds like you did. And that someone who, at worst, wants to let a guy down gently is at least not mean spirited.

It is okay to take some time to mourn the rejections and get your head in the game. Like DNL says, even if I often have issues with it, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all have our own journeys. Despite it all you keep trying at your own pace, trying to apply what you've learned and live your best life as your best self. That is admirable and something worth recognizing even amid the defeats. Take your time to recover, and when you're ready or life presents another opportunity, you'll be in the right mood.

Hope you enjoy the Air Jordan's though! Just make sure they're not Hal Jordan's, which you have to recharge every 24 hours. Wink
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by The Mikey Tue Mar 15, 2022 9:11 pm

Datelessman wrote:I know it has been rough and I don't want to just lob a platitude at you, but it is admirable that you are keeping an open mind and taking opportunities in your everyday life while doing things you enjoy. That is not easy to do, especially when you're not the most experienced or confident. I know I haven't made consistent efforts as you have for various reasons in at least 5-10 years.

Hey thanks, two chances presented themselves and I did my best to keep a promise I made to myself and make a move. So I did that, I just wish I was doing it a bit more consistently and with more women. I have a couple options at work, one that split from her now ex I wanna ask for a beer and another who’s still a senior at a local university. I’ve just been a bit shy in talking to either for a bit lol.

All in all, don’t feel bad, these are the first women I’d ask for dates/hit on since last summer. Before that, it was… probably a solid four years I’d asked for an actual date. So, I’ve not been super consistent either.

Datelessman wrote:
For what it is worth, as I got older I try not to focus so much on whether or not a rejection is "genuine," i.e. "whether or not she really had a boyfriend." I do agree that most people, though not all, will mention a significant other if you chat with them enough even in casual conversation. That said, even if she "made up a boyfriend" to let you down gently, it doesn't change the reality. There's no "Dating Court" where you can catch someone committing perjury and issue a "Coffee Date Injunction." The best you can do is handle it with dignity and grace, which it sounds like you did. And that someone who, at worst, wants to let a guy down gently is at least not mean spirited.

No I know, I’m trying not to, but it’s been extremely difficult. It’s been difficult because her and I got on so incredibly well and again, there was no mention of a partner at any point at all. That’s what makes it confusing to me and breaks my heart even more is if there were a mention, well, at least I’d know and it’d spare me any further heart ache and keep me from looking like an idiot.

Personally, it’s fine if she’s not interested or attracted to me, but I appreciate and value honesty the most. Will I be upset, yea, of course I will be. Only they spoke to me long enough to know I’m still friendly or I would be. I don’t mind still being pals unless they don’t want to be in which case, then that feels worse and assumes all the worst things about me. I’m not gonna try again if you already told me no. If you change your mind and I’m not seeing anyone, I may be open to it.

I’m not looking for an injunction or anything like that lol I just want there to actually be a boyfriend. Or i dunno. I dunno what I’m saying anymore, I’m not feeling well.

Datelessman wrote:
It is okay to take some time to mourn the rejections and get your head in the game. Like DNL says, even if I often have issues with it, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and we all have our own journeys. Despite it all you keep trying at your own pace, trying to apply what you've learned and live your best life as your best self. That is admirable and something worth recognizing even amid the defeats. Take your time to recover, and when you're ready or life presents another opportunity, you'll be in the right mood.

It’s been over a month now, I should be over both rejections by now, but I’m not. I still feel awful. Of course I’ll still keep trying but I these really suck the wind outta your sails. I think I need to cry, I don’t think I’ve actually cried about it tbh. Or maybe just try for one of my coworkers.

I need to really get up and get out there. I’ll put Jocko Willink’s “Good” on loop for a bit.

“When things are going bad, there’s gonna be some good that comes from it. […] If you can say the word ‘good’, guess what, it means you’re still alive. It means you’re still breathing and if you’re still breathing, well now, you still got some fight in you.”

Datelessman wrote:
Hope you enjoy the Air Jordan's though! Just make sure they're not Hal Jordan's, which you have to recharge every 24 hours. Wink

Yis, thanks. They’re nifty shoes, I want more. Razz
The Mikey
The Mikey

Posts : 50
Reputation : 8
Join date : 2018-07-17

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Datelessman Wed Mar 16, 2022 3:40 pm

The Mikey wrote:
Hey thanks, two chances presented themselves and I did my best to keep a promise I made to myself and make a move. So I did that, I just wish I was doing it a bit more consistently and with more women. I have a couple options at work, one that split from her now ex I wanna ask for a beer and another who’s still a senior at a local university. I’ve just been a bit shy in talking to either for a bit lol.

All in all, don’t feel bad, these are the first women I’d ask for dates/hit on since last summer. Before that, it was… probably a solid four years I’d asked for an actual date. So, I’ve not been super consistent either.

Trying to capitalize on opportunities that come your way in an appropriate time and manner is the best anyone can do. The fact that it may be harder to do with less confidence and/or experience means that it's especially good that you took the shot. Many people in your situation or worse never do.

Workplace "options" are rough. You definitely don't want to risk violating any company protocol or risk making things awkward with a coworker if it goes wrong. For a lot of people, dating coworkers is more "advanced level" for that reason; it takes more social calibration. I've had a few workplace crushes but I never went anywhere with them for those reasons. At best I'd say start off with something casual, like a cup of coffee (which plenty of same sex or platonic chums do) and if/when the vibes are good, try asking for anything further later on. But it can be very tricky, and I am no expert. I'm hardly a novice.

No I know, I’m trying not to, but it’s been extremely difficult. It’s been difficult because her and I got on so incredibly well and again, there was no mention of a partner at any point at all. That’s what makes it confusing to me and breaks my heart even more is if there were a mention, well, at least I’d know and it’d spare me any further heart ache and keep me from looking like an idiot.

Personally, it’s fine if she’s not interested or attracted to me, but I appreciate and value honesty the most. Will I be upset, yea, of course I will be. Only they spoke to me long enough to know I’m still friendly or I would be. I don’t mind still being pals unless they don’t want to be in which case, then that feels worse and assumes all the worst things about me. I’m not gonna try again if you already told me no. If you change your mind and I’m not seeing anyone, I may be open to it.

I’m not looking for an injunction or anything like that lol I just want there to actually be a boyfriend. Or i dunno. I dunno what I’m saying anymore, I’m not feeling well.

Trust me, I can understand the sting of seeming to really connect with a woman and then to have it vanish like a burst bubble over something like that. Around 2005-2006 when I was still in college I was taking an elective sociology course (where two researchers wrangled a class to help them with a local study, essentially) and I wound up really connecting with a young woman. Usually when I crush on someone, it is one sided; they usually never knew I existed or if they did, never saw me as a viable romantic option outside of a dare. That was not the vibe I got from this woman; we got along very well, she shared my geeky hobbies (at a time when they were less mainstream), and she even initiated physical contact in casual conversations (i.e. touching my leg if we were seated next to each other). I genuinely got the feeling I had an actual for real chance with her, which was the first time in my life that I ever got that vibe. So when after a couple of weeks during our routine walks after class to where she got her bus, my heart almost ripped in two in slow motion like Ralph Wiggum when she finally divulged (still in casual, non date-asking conversation) that she was living with her fiance. Later on when we had to meet her fiance's mother to help in a project (don't ask), she introduced the lady as "my future mother-in-law." I went from "If I ask her out there is maybe a 50% chance she'll say yes" to "Dating DOA" very fast. I handled it maturely (I stayed in the class and we remained casual associates until the end of the semester, because I still liked talking to her), but it took me a while to get over it internally. So I totally get it.

Again, while I agree that most people do at least allude to a significant other in their lives with enough casual conversation, not everyone does and it can take time. As in my case above, weeks and many hours of chat time. Circumstances and how people share info about themselves are factors.

I also get that you "value honesty" and all that, but I am sure you know as well as I do why a woman might (key word being might) be less-than-honest about the reasons for rejecting someone for safety or social purposes. Even a man who a woman has gotten to know for a little while as a casual acquaintance is still a relative stranger and many men do not take blunt rejection well. On the other side of it, some women may not want to hurt anyone's feelings more than needed and claiming to have a boyfriend is a lot easier than, "I am just not into you." And would you really want women who rejected you to be brutally honest about why? Would it really soften the blow and emotional pain to be told you're not someone's type versus a (possible) little white lie? I mean in the example above, as rough as it was to learn my crush was living with her fiance, I could at least blame the universe for being unlucky, like when I miss a bus. If she had said, "By the way, I hope you're not about to ask me out because you are SO not my type" it would have hurt worse and felt more personal.

Just meaning in general. It is totally possible that she just never got around to mentioning a boyfriend to you sooner. It happens. But the heartache is the same even if the reason may or may not be 100% honest. Take however long you need to properly mourn it and ease yourself. There's no quota to rebound faster than you need.

It’s been over a month now, I should be over both rejections by now, but I’m not. I still feel awful. Of course I’ll still keep trying but I these really suck the wind outta your sails. I think I need to cry, I don’t think I’ve actually cried about it tbh. Or maybe just try for one of my coworkers.

I need to really get up and get out there. I’ll put Jocko Willink’s “Good” on loop for a bit.

“When things are going bad, there’s gonna be some good that comes from it. […] If you can say the word ‘good’, guess what, it means you’re still alive. It means you’re still breathing and if you’re still breathing, well now, you still got some fight in you.”

There is no set timetable on healing -- especially emotional healing. If you need to cry somewhere private, cry. Sometimes that is a healthy release of emotions and men are ridiculed and trained to never do it, unless Uncle Ben dies and they're about to become Spider-Man. I've certainly cried over being lonely and single when I was younger, and burying things too much isn't healthy. I found I couldn't cry even recently with my mother almost dying in the hospital of cancer because I bury that stuff so deep.

By all means, "try for your coworkers," but there's no shame in taking the time you need to emotionally recover so you can be your best self. Don't force yourself before you're ready, if only because whatever approach you do will come off better when you're in the right headspace. Take it one day at a time. Sometimes that's the best we can do.
Datelessman
Datelessman

Posts : 341
Reputation : 120
Join date : 2017-06-29

https://datelessman.wordpress.com/

The Mikey likes this post

Back to top Go down

High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc] - Page 12 Empty Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

Page 12 of 12 Previous  1, 2, 3 ... 10, 11, 12

Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum