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High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

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Post by Datelessman Fri Sep 17, 2021 4:59 am

It's understandable to be a little hung up on the coworker thing. It wasn't just a rejection, it was feeling abandoned by someone you thought was a friend and not being able to continue the friendship even with dating off the table. I actually value friendship very heavily. Mostly because I do not make friends easily and I am not always the easiest person to befriend; I'm like an alley cat who can go from "get away from me" to "I'm used to you now let's be pals" at an undetermined interval. It's okay to mourn the loss of it in the short term. Ghosting is the path of least resistance to rejecting people and it is possible she did not value the friendship as much as you did, or she may have (incorrectly) assumed things after you asked her out.

Some friendships just kind of wither and die. I remember having a best (male) friend from 6th thru 8th grade, during some of the worst and most bullied years of my youth (which basically impacted my self image seemingly permanently). We went from spending almost all of our school and non school time together for 3+ years to being perfect strangers. The worst part of it was the feeling that he had used me to help him adapt more to American society, since when we met he'd only been in America a few months. Towards the end he once told me, "You taught me how to be cool, and now I'm cool and you're not," when he was actively dating and being more social, as that was his true self once his culture shock ended, while I was still more interested in just a few pals and geeky stuff like watching anime, since that was who I am. For a while I wondered how exactly I taught him to be a "cool dude" who could easily attract women when I never could; was I that good a teacher? But then I realized all I did was help indicate where the social and cultural norms were here, and once he had that down his natural charisma (which I never had) could shine thru. I never regretted the friendship, because it did bring me joy during a dark period and I gained some experience from it. That is usually the best way I can think of to move on from a friendship that ends in an unresolved and disappointing way. Which many do.

Try to focus your memories on the good parts of your friendship, such as the opportunity to be vulnerable and supportive of another woman and how nice that felt, and less on the underwhelming conclusion. The life we get is really just a series of memories in a mental scrapbook and once emotional pain is over we have some ability to order and structure it. That or see them as superhero team-ups, which can also end awkwardly and sometimes never to be repeated. Spider-Man may team up with Wolverine all the time, but NFL Superpro? Only once. I've had many friendships grind to a halt over the years and I always found some way to take something positive from each one with me later on.

I totally understand the idea of not wanting to talk to people just to "practice" due to being an introvert and not having the energy. There was an episode of KING OF THE HILL where Bill is going back to playing high school football just to reclaim a touchdown record (which was undone in an unfair manner), but his body couldn't handle the rigors and he says, "I can train, or I can play. I can't do both." That line stuck to me for matters like this. It took me a long time to realize that I can be drained by too much social interaction, which is why I was usually fine for small gatherings but bad at parties or bars or clubs (beyond the noise). There also can be a sense, at least with myself as an older inexperienced guy, to not want to "waste time" or that finite energy on dead ends.

Talking to anyone who you have more in common with is always a boon. Once you find someone in that tribe, it is always a pleasure to talk to them, even on a platonic level.

I always am wary of mingling my social and work lives, though. I do talk to lady co-workers and there have been some I was attracted to but I have always been most wary of asking any out. Navigating that stuff is hard even for expert daters; "no dating people from work" is a rule for many for a reason. You don't want to risk a misunderstanding on either end effecting your livelihood.

You may see that woman again at the gym and have a second chance. The one advantage of knowing someone into Metroid is that if things do get serious, a double entendre about Samus' "screw-attack" kind of writes itself. I am at the stage in my life where I save puns in a back pocket.
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Post by The Mikey Fri Sep 17, 2021 9:52 pm

Yeah, I’ll live. Just needed to get some of that out there about the coworker.

Sure some friendships run their course. Life gets in the way, things happen. We can mourn some, we can let go of others, it’s all relative imo.

And eh, I think I’ll pass on the memories. It’s a bit too painful and just upsets me about what I may have done wrong. Or if I wasn’t good enough and just wonder what happened or whatever. Too much goes through my head, was she only pretending to be nice? I dunno, again, I think too many things.

I feel like Bills circumstances are a little different than mine but I understand what you’re saying lol. Thankfully I’m good at adapting and can get second winds, only the people I know don’t take the energy outta me. Some exceptions but in general it’s everyone else that bugs me.

I’m not super worried about mixing work with pleasure I guess so long as I’m not a gross asshole about it. In our sexual harassment training, it was stated that asking for a date is not harassment. Though repeatedly asking for dates is considered harassment. Plus, i know myself enough to know I wouldn’t intentionally harass someone. Plus, neither I or new coworker are in positions of “power”.

And maybe I will see this gym woman again, I’ll chat them up sooner when they’re not on the floor lol.
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Post by inbloomer Sun Sep 19, 2021 9:51 am

Getting slow faded or ghosted can be hugely painful and I have total sympathy. Though I think it usually is preceded by a period where there were signs this connection wasn't going in the right direction. It may be that you did absolutely nothing wrong and you'd just reached the limit of what you had in common, but the social skill is to see those straws in the wind and back off gracefully, rather than trying once more and once more until you get a more abrupt no.

Do be careful about approaching women in the gym. It's generally a space that women see as "public-private", i.e. they don't want to start conversations with strangers. It's possible that if you keep seeing the same person there regularly, you could start to acknowledge each other and get more friendly, but I wouldn't start firing off random compliments.

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Post by The Mikey Sun Sep 19, 2021 4:45 pm

I would have preferred an actual no from the get go instead of being ghosted and then floating in an unknown limbo. I know we’re different people but that’s ok. We had good conversations and I felt like we connected well too. Or I coulda been an idiot and it was all a one sided connection. Who knows, it’s over, I need to get over it.

As for the gym woman, I genuinely liked their tattoo. Not many people I see, much less women, with Metroid ink. And honestly that was all that I was gonna say; I liked their tattoo bit if she asked me any questions, I’d answer. Otherwise, that was gonna be the extent of my conversation with that person lol. If they felt uncomfortable or confronted me, I’d apologize and move on. I honestly wasn’t attracted that much to them either, they just had a cool tattoo I don’t see very often.

Remember, I’m a moron who can’t flirt, and if they mistake my genuine compliment for a come on or flirt, that’s their problem. Plus, it’s not just what you say but how you say it too. A casual and friendly “hey I like your samus tattoo!” versus a more sultry tone of voice convey different things, I would think.

Ultimately, like I said, I didn’t wanna be rude when she moved to floor when I was leaving.
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Post by Enail Sun Sep 19, 2021 8:19 pm

Imo it'd be totally fine to make a comment like that as long as you do it at a considerate time and without any expectations of continued interaction or intention to hit on her, both of which it sounds like you've got covered.
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Post by Hielario Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:19 pm

Fingers crossed with the gym thing, sounds like a nicer place than mine, where all women my age are either with their headphones or their boyfirends.

Do be careful about approaching women in the gym. It's generally a space that women see as "public-private", i.e. they don't want to start conversations with strangers.
I don't exactly disagree, but I would like to remark that it's also a pretty good place to "show off the goods" without having to worry about making them uncomfortable.


Last edited by Hielario on Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:43 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Post by Enail Mon Sep 20, 2021 10:40 pm

To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.
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Post by The Mikey Tue Sep 21, 2021 2:37 am

Hielario wrote: Fingers crossed with the gym thing, sounds like a nicer place than mine, where all women my age are either with their headphones or their boyfirends.
If they do, cool, but I’m not about interrupt someone in the middle of their routine boyfriend or not. Wink

Hielario wrote:
I don't exactly disagree, but I would like to remark that it's also a pretty good place to "show off the goods" without having to worry about making them uncomfortable.
Well, I have no goods to show off, so I’m not worried lol.

Enail wrote:To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.
Precisely. It’s also kind of like exposure therapy in talking to random women too and learning to converse a bit better? I dunno.
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Post by inbloomer Wed Sep 22, 2021 2:29 pm

Enail wrote:To be clear, I don't think the gym is a good place to hit on women; Mikey sounded like he was just being friendly rather than intending to flirt, which is why I said I thought it was fine.

Yeah, I think that sports facilities are quite complex spaces when it comes to approaching people, even in a just being friendly way. On the one hand it's a shared interest and some people absolutely are doing it for a social aspect. But on the other hand, some people see it as their one bit of me time, where they can get in the zone without anyone staring at them or interrupting them. So I'm not saying it can't work, but for general racking up experience in social interaction, I'd recommend something like a tour group, where there's a stronger expectation that everyone will chat and be polite to each other.

Edit: just while I'm thinking about it, I think that in these more complex spaces there's often a "pre-approach" phase, where you want to make a first eye contact that's positive. For example, if she's joking with someone about something and you're kind of between them and can't help overhearing. That might be a foundation to start saying hi when you see her, and then after that a proper conversation. But if the first eye contact comes across as creepy staring from the sidelines, you've basically blown your chances at once. In the simpler spaces where approaching is more expected, people are much more forgiving about the initial approach being a bit awkward.

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Post by The Mikey Mon Oct 18, 2021 1:09 am

Speed dating sucks.
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