Feel like I'm going nowhere

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Feel like I'm going nowhere Empty Feel like I'm going nowhere

Post by Dannyboy on Wed Jul 08, 2015 11:52 pm

Hello, some of you may remember me from my previous topic, where OI discussed the fact that I have no friends and never had a girlfriend. Well, this is part 2, yay!

I honestly don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I went to a Meetup group a couple of weeks ago, the Feminist one. Everybody was really funny and I made a couple of jokes, but I haven't been able to go to another meeting since due to family reunion events and the such. All of the other meetup groups I looked up either have only old people or only have meetings during the times when I'm supposed to be working. I honestly just feel like I've hit a wall here, and I don't know where I can go from here. Hell, even if I go to another Feminist Cub meeting, will I ever become more to these people than just a worthless tagalog who occasionally makes funny jokes?

Online dating also seems to go nowhere for me. As soon as I uploaded my profile I got messages from two girls that seemed interested in me. Sadly however, one of them faded out on me, and the other well, I've been talking to her intermittently for the past couple of weeks and I think she's grown tried of my hesitation.I recently got messages from three other girls, but I don't know if they're really interested in me romantically or if they just see me as a friendly person on OK Cupid that they can chat with until a hunk comes around too sweep them off their feet. Hell, I don't even know how to switch a conversation from a friendly trade of ideas to an exploration of romantic capabilities.

I fear that I'm going nowhere, and I desperately want to meet people. I want a friend that I can do stuff with, and who I can count on to watch my back when things go wrong. I also want a girlfriend who I can cuddle with, talk about emotional issues with and ...well...someone to have sexual relations with. Part of me honestly feels that if I can't get these things and get them soon, then I'm hopeless and would be better off... non-existent.

Thoughts? Comments? Insults?


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Post by reboot on Thu Jul 09, 2015 3:45 am

It has been what, 1-2 months? Making friends as an adult outside school take time. You will have to go to the meetups you like and start to get to know people on a more personal level. Then suggest hanging out as a smaller group or 1:1 and then with time a friendship can develop. It takes months or even a year.

As for online dating. It is likely not some hunk sweeping them off their feet, but rather you chatting with them for weeks and not asking them out on a date or pitching at least a date/time to meet. Remember, online dating is to find dates and, like you, they are chatting with others, so of course they are going to stop chatting back if someone else asks them on a date since going on a date is the point of the chat. It might be too late for the women you are currently chatting with since weeks tends to drift into pen pal territory, but ask them all to meet in person ASAP. And in the future ask within the first week.
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Post by readertorider on Thu Jul 09, 2015 4:07 am

Dannyboy wrote:Part of me honestly feels that if I can't get these things and get them soon, then I'm hopeless and would be better off... non-existent

If the rest of you starts agreeing with this part or you feel like you're losing ground (or you want to take to someone who actually knows what they're talking about) it's time to start talking to a professional--this is beyond the forums' paygrade. Your school likely can point you in the right direction, but other people here can also help you in that regard if you want to make a post asking for assistance.  

To me, it sounds like the reason you're not making progress is that you aren't doing anything to make progress beyond the initial step. You found a meetup group you enjoyed and who seemed to enjoy your company in return! You are getting unsolicited messages from women (something that is apparently rarer than the fabled magenta elephant dancing under the blue moon)! Both of these things are great and can lead to friendship/companionship--go to more meetups, ask the ladies questions, arrange meatspace meetings/dates--but they're not moving forward so it's time to investigate why.

Possible situations/questions/thoughts:

-You may not have a script for going forward. Lots of times the getting-to-know-you dance is something along the lines of <talk about subject of mutual interest (could even be the weather)>, <find more mutual interests/activities>, <do activity you're both interested in together (watching a TV show, talking about X, going berry picking, joint staring at the wall, IDK)>, <repeat>, and eventually things like their day or your life dreams will become subjects of mutual interest. You see well positioned to start the dance--you have a group with which you share a mutual interest and people who are interested in chatting with you online--but if your problem is not knowing some basic steps that is relatively easy to fix with goodwill and effort.

-These people are not living up to who you pictured when you went looking for companionship and you're not interested in building something with them. It may be that you aren't compatible, but it could be that you're holding out for someone who doesn't exist. This might be worth evaluating.

-You're waiting on other people to make the effort. "She initiated contact, so she'll ask me on a date when she's ready, and plan second date when she's interested, and instigate first kiss when she feels like it" seems to be something that does seem to enter people's minds. Some people are OK with it, but for others it feels like they aren't being met halfway and doing most of the work for a lukewarm response. If you want things to move forward you often do need to do some moving yourself.

-There are other ways to meet people beyond meetups and online dating--cooking/hobby/art classes, volunteering, clubs, etc.

-You can make friends with people who are older than you are.

-You're looking for friends as well as dates, so if you do end up with a friend from the people on OKC who contact you as opposed to a date that's not the end of the world.

I need to get going, but good luck, and I hope you can find some answers with the people here Smile

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