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Post by Glides on Wed Apr 08, 2020 5:50 pm

Enail wrote:Thanks, all! I suspect I've got it too, but I have so many allergies generally that it's pretty hard to tell the difference when I've got a mild illness. Since I'm stuck isolating even if I don't, it doesn't really matter that much either way, I guess.

I honestly don't know how you guys in the US keep from choking on rage about the whole political thing. I'm glad your state is taking proper measures, KMR.

We choke plenty! We're just not given any options to do anything about it. Quite ironic for the "home of the free and the land of the brave" but it's as American as hypocrisy!

As you can tell, I absolutely hate being an American but don't have the option to go anywhere else. Especially since Bernie dropped out.

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Post by Enail on Wed Apr 08, 2020 5:59 pm

Yeah, that's a real shame, I was really sad to see that. It's definitely a tough time to be an American.
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Post by Werel on Wed Apr 08, 2020 7:16 pm

Enail wrote:It's definitely a tough time to be an American.

I'm just super-duper looking forward to being a citizen of the Western Confederacy of Vancouver-Seattle-SF-LA once the dang second civil war is over. Later, losers east of the Rockies!

(Also choking on rage, sticking pins in voodoo dolls and burning effigies, tearing up my tax payment invoices like "hahahaha yeah sure I'll pay you to steal medical equipment from hospitals and sell it back to them at a profit, watch how fast I pull out my checkbook," etc.)

Our guidelines in Oregon are "stay home, you fools! Please?" with no real enforcement for civilians. But we're one of the only states that seems to have started actually doing that soon enough to have flattened the curve a bit. I specifically moved here after the 2016 election cause I suspected it was one place with good enough local government and a decent enough populace to weather a major crisis relatively well, and I guess that's... right-ish? Shrug

In ranty news, my boyfriend's roommate tested negative for COVID.... aaaand immediately went right back to going over to friends' houses and socializing with bandmates because "well if everyone ELSE is quarantining then there's no harm in me seeing them." Yeah, that's how it works, somebody hosting a party right now is totally somebody who's been strictly following isolation measures. And this person has a small child. The fuck is wrong with people? Bringing SHAME upon Oregon. Disapproving
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Post by Enail on Wed Apr 08, 2020 8:58 pm

Oh no, that's awful! What an asshole! (But glad at least it was negative for the household's peace of mind)
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Post by Glides on Wed Apr 15, 2020 1:53 pm

Two years ago today, I broke up with my abusive partner.

I don't recognize myself any longer.

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Post by Enail on Wed Apr 15, 2020 2:26 pm

I'm not sure what the right word for an anniversary of having done something difficult and important like that, congratulations doesn't seem quite right, but I can't think of a better word, so...tentative congratulations? I'm glad you got out.
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Post by KMR on Thu Apr 23, 2020 5:26 pm

I just have a little bit of writing left on this report and then it will finally be done (aside from peer-editing/revisions), and the part I have left isn't all that difficult and is only mildly stressing me out, and I know I'll feel so much better once it's finished. But that still hasn't stopped me from spending the entire day procrastinating because my anxiety-avoidance cycle has been kicking in at full force every time I even think about sitting down to write. I have managed to eke out a few 10-15 minute work sessions here and there, but can't seem to get myself to push through and just get it done. Could've knocked this out by noon and just enjoyed the rest of my day, but nooooo, we can't have that.
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Post by Werel on Thu Apr 23, 2020 9:05 pm

KMR wrote:I just have a little bit of writing left on this report and then it will finally be done (aside from peer-editing/revisions), and the part I have left isn't all that difficult and is only mildly stressing me out, and I know I'll feel so much better once it's finished. But that still hasn't stopped me from spending the entire day procrastinating because my anxiety-avoidance cycle has been kicking in at full force every time I even think about sitting down to write. I have managed to eke out a few 10-15 minute work sessions here and there, but can't seem to get myself to push through and just get it done. Could've knocked this out by noon and just enjoyed the rest of my day, but nooooo, we can't have that.

Anxiety procrastination solidarity fistbump. Been dancing around my dissertation revisions for like... four weeks? Even though it should be maybe five or six hours of work, tops. It just seems massively difficult to even do the most minor fixes, like reformatting citations. Give yourself some credit for those 10-15 minute sessions, and good luck tackling the beast. Boxing
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Post by KMR on Thu Apr 23, 2020 10:20 pm

Yeah, dissertation revisions are rough. Like, you're already burned out from having written and defended the whole thing and you just want to be done, but there's still more to do, and your motivation is just gone. Reformatting is also a huge pain (I had to adjust my numerous, massive data tables multiple times and it was just the worst). But at least you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck!
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Post by Werel on Tue Jun 16, 2020 4:40 pm

I am so scared and tired, and I am one of the most privileged people in America. I'm a white woman with a doctorate and beltway connections who knows the systems of power, I have enough of a marginal public presence that I would be hard to just disappear, and I am scared as fuck on a daily basis.

I mouthed off to some ICE officers at a protest this weekend. I don't even know if I should call it mouthing off. I stood there not touching the barricade they'd erected, holding a sign, and I told them over and over to their faces that they could still quit their jobs and reclaim their humanity, that they were not young men but there was still enough time for them to resign and get right with whatever God they did or didn't follow, that the money might be good, but there's no money worth putting children in dog kennels and gassing their parents. I looked them right in the eye and addressed them individually and pointed at them. I know my COVID mask did not provide any real protection from facial recognition software, and one of the ICE officers listened to me long enough that he was moved off the line because someone saw his face flicker. I stayed there staring at the remaining men until every other protestor left. I put a target on myself because I kept wanting to tell those men it wasn't too late for them to remove themselves from that system.

Every day I wake up to new footage of people being beaten and gassed and shot in the head with rubber bullets on the streets of my city, or stories about women who look like me being sexually assaulted during arrests or murdered for being "noncompliant" during secluded nighttime traffic stops. I wonder which night I'm not going to get lucky and I'm not going to pick the exact right moment to extract myself from the protest before the munitions and gas start flying. And now I am trying to pull myself together long enough to film a video stating my name, the date, and that I am not and have never been suicidal nor do I have any intention of running away, in case I "commit suicide" for being too loud.

I know this is how other people have lived their entire lives and I don't have any right to complain. But I am scared I'm going to lose my job because I can't manage to focus on anything other than staying alive and trying to keep other people alive. I'm in the streets for the Black woman who raised me and the Mexican man I'm in love with and every beautiful soul the state kills every day, and I can't find the strength of will to think about anything else. I know I need to retain my authority and position and "respectability" in society to be most useful, but it's so hard to do anything but cry, drink, and march.

How are y'all finding ways to act that are sustainable long-term? How are you keeping your wits about you in this death spiral?
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Post by bomaye on Tue Jun 16, 2020 5:31 pm

Stayyyy home. You have shit to lose and you worked a long time to earn it, and your individual white guilt is not in a few weeks going to help overturn something that America's had problems with for a century or so. It's a long game, not a short game.
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Post by Enail on Tue Jun 16, 2020 8:11 pm

I'm not able to protest, so I haven't been dealing with the really hard stuff (and we haven't had the level of anti-protestor violence from police here as you guys are facing), so I can't speak to it on a personal level, I'm pretty in awe of how much you're doing and how courageously you're using your privilege and putting yourself on the line, but to be honest, you sound like you're pushing yourself way too hard and I think it's time for you to change gears right now.

You know this isn't sustainable, and you know that burning yourself out is not ultimately the best use of what you've got for the cause. So, I'm wondering if maybe you're actively taking on risky and emotionally draining work to the point where it's untenable for you because it feels most like doing something, or even if you feel like you have a duty to fight in the hardest, most intense way you can. The adrenaline feels good, that kind of direct, intense, confrontational work can be emotionally cathartic and feel more meaningful to do when the world's on fire and things have to change, but that doesn't mean that direct protest is a better way to contribute than other things you could be doing that aren't putting you at risk of a breakdown or not being able to keep your livelihood or dying under suspicious circumstances. You know that there are other contributions that are just as needed, but just knowing doesn't help, you've got to act in accordance with it.

So, time to rejig your activities - could you change up your time to put more of it into being a behind-the-scenes logistics person or using your privileged white person voice to talk politely to important people over the phone instead - really instead, not just squishing more stuff in to think about for when you get home from the protests - of on the front-line stuff, take on tasks where you're not actively feeling at risk of being tear-gassed or blinded and not imagining your possible murder or assault? You know the behind-the-scenes stuff is needed and important, it's okay for you to put more - or even all - of your efforts there.  Maybe even consider doing something that's at a remove from protest support altogether if even writing emails about police reform or being a one-phone-call jail contact is keeping your mind in danger-mode - voting rights and community food initiatives in poor areas are needed for racial justice too.

And, seriously, man, make yourself spend some time NOT doing anything important and urgent and desperately needed. Even if it's just staring dully at a cooking show or drinking some tea while looking at a houseplant and breathing slowly or having a hot bath while crying a lot, fucking make yourself do something that that's easy in a space that's safe, let your brain and your body have a chance to slow down and breath. Even if things are too intense for you to actually feel relaxed or revived or entertained by it, you still need it.  Take some time off altogether if you need to.  It doesn't matter if other people are doing more or harder or scarier things, if other people have no choice but to experience it every day of their lives, you pushing yourself too far doesn't help them or anyone. You know it, but you've got to act like it's true too. Look after yourself.
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Post by Werel on Thu Jun 18, 2020 3:43 pm

bomaye wrote:Stayyyy home. You have shit to lose and you worked a long time to earn it, and your individual white guilt is not in a few weeks going to help overturn something that America's had problems with for a century or so. It's a long game, not a short game.

You're right, buddy. It is a long game (ain't gonna fix 400+ years of bullshit in a month) and I do have shit to lose, although, paradoxically, having that shit makes me much less likely to lose it. I know you are speaking as my friend in my best interest, so I'll just say that "white guilt" is very different than "willingness to undertake risk while fighting for other people" and not bristle at the phrase - guilt is pretty useless, action can be useful. Wink

Enail wrote: So, I'm wondering if maybe you're actively taking on risky and emotionally draining work to the point where it's untenable for you because it feels most like doing something, or even if you feel like you have a duty to fight in the hardest, most intense way you can.

You're on to something. I've been deploying my privilege and relatively untouchable status on the frontlines because I know my white body is harder to brutalize (and LORD would they have some paperwork to do, given the people I'm related to), and putting myself directly between cops and less-privileged bodies was the quickest way to leverage that shit in crisis mode. But I'm not a warrior, I don't have well-developed mental tools for physical danger of this kind, and I can't be doing that exclusively (or maybe even predominantly). I overestimated my ability to handle this kind of physical danger, because I'm used to being in some physical danger overseas for work - but the psychological cushion of "I can go home in a couple months" is missing when you're fighting in your own town for the foreseeable future, and it turns out that makes a difference. Thanks for the reminder that I have to be smarter about how I'm most useful, and the reminder that downtime has to be built in to any sustainable effort. Enail-level wisdom, as always.
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Post by Enail on Tue Jun 30, 2020 8:08 pm

<mod>Hey folks, since the topic of DNL's post about his inappropriate behaviour was getting more discussion than Rants is really meant for, I've moved it to its own thread here. </mod>
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Post by Werel on Fri Jul 10, 2020 3:54 pm

I'm really going to miss international travel. I wonder if the current state of affairs where Americans can only enter about 20 countries (most of which are in the Caribbean, or other small islands) is going to change within the decade. I thought I might have a liiiiittle more time to go places.
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Post by Enail on Sat Jul 11, 2020 10:30 pm

How the FUCK did I get strep throat when I barely leave the house, am always wearing a mask if I do, see no one, strictly disinfect myself and anything I touched when I come in, sterilize anything that comes near my face.... ?!? (Yes, I got a Covid test, no it's not Covid. Also, I have sooo many rants about our testing situation)
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Post by Glides on Tue Jul 14, 2020 5:19 pm

1. my mother is being forced to go back to work and isn't allowed to work remotely.

2. had a casual conversation with an acquaintance, the conversation went to naya rivera's death and it went as follows on his end:

"ha, isn't that funny that another person from glee is dead, you really hated that show."

"yeah i despise that show with every breath of air in me, but that doesn't mean i wish harm on the people who starred in it for money."

"yeah, it's funny how she killed herself, just like you've tried a bunch of a times."

"yeah. except it was an accident and i haven't succeeded yet."

"lol"

dude's a libertarian and i only hung out with him way back when because he'd give me free weed in exchange for me listening to him rant about the free market and god knows what else.

i'm sure the irony in libertarians giving shit away for free has occurred to you by now.

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Post by KMR on Tue Jul 28, 2020 1:43 pm

I made banana nut muffins yesterday and a bunch of ants got to them overnight so I had to throw the whole batch out. Sad
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Post by Enail on Wed Aug 19, 2020 2:28 pm

Justin Trudeau going all Stephen Harper on us. And when the documents just released about the We scandal actually surprisingly look pretty good for him and show he was pushing for a different organization over We, so it's kind of a wtf move, too, almost makes it look like he just wanted to go on an authoritarian vacation for funsies rather than for a desperate bid to hold onto power.  Or maybe he figures voters are just sick of the constant brushes with corruption to the point that they won't care if he did nothing wrong, so better to hope they forget about it altogether.

Ughh, and I'm really annoyed about the fact that I hope it works, too, because I still think this bullshit is better than an election right now. Or a Conservative government.
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Post by Werel on Mon Aug 31, 2020 12:38 am

Enail, I hadn’t even heard about things going south in Canada. I’m so sorry y’all are having to deal with that.

Everyone in Portland was so tired and battle scarred before last night, but at least the police aren’t able to openly use live rounds on crowds. At least the various threats and attempts of lethal force from the right wing had not killed anyone yet. We watched caravans of armed people drive into our city and prayed they wouldn’t use those guns they bring. Now we are all just terrified. Terrified. The president is inciting revenge killings before we even know who killed that man or why. This is how paramilitaries get their foothold. Every non-white Portlander I know stayed in their house today.
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Post by Enail on Mon Aug 31, 2020 10:42 am

Oh, it's more in the realm of annoying than anything really awful or concerning, I don't think it'll change anything particularly. And I feel ridiculous getting sympathy for that given the massive, terrifying thing happening to both your country in general and to your own city! All the sympathy you sent plus all my own back to you; it's scary from the outside, I can't imagine how awful it must be when on your doorstep.
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Post by JP McBride on Tue Sep 29, 2020 11:37 pm

Not saying anything about men, or their ability to moderate debates, but we didn't have so many interruptions when the League of Women Voters was running things.

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