Frustrated...

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Frustrated...

Post by onlysomeone on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:04 am

Hey there, I'm new here...

Well, what can I say? To be honest, I'm not sure what to expect from this and I may even regret very much posting this later, but whatever...

First of all, I apologize because this will be a very long post even if I'm going to try be as brief as possible.

So, this is the issue: I was in a long-distance relationship for almost a year with a guy who I knew from the Internet. Let's just call him AB because I'm not very inspired today. None of us was searching for a partner, we just start talking normally on a website (which wasn't a dating site) until we realized we had many things in common (including that both of us were really shy and never had been in a relationship before in spite of our ages) and we began to really like each other. Once we told each other about our feellings, both of us agreed that if not were for the distance we may go out.

Well, it doesn't happen much time until we finally could meet in real life. It was awkward at the beginning because I've never met anyone who I knew on Internet before; however, in a short time I started talking with him with the same confidence than I did online. Given that we still got along after having met in the real world, we manage to see each other another couple of times, when we took the opportunity to kiss and hug. We didn't meet as often as we would have liked, but we were sure to took the most of our encounters.

Everything wasn't a bed of roses, though. He was ready to do everything that is commonly expected in a romantic relationship from the beginning; whereas I wanted (for non-religious reasons) to go very, very slowly and was not sure if I ever wanted to do certain activity that couples normally do... We knew this from the beginning and he agreed to wait for me during a certain time, which he regarded it was more than reasonable. However, we soon found arguing a lot about this issue. I also mentioned in those arguments that I felt alienated owing to my beliefs and I got upset every time I heard about people victimising themselves and attacking their more "conservative" partners for being selfish prudes or whatever...

One day, a few days earlier than we met again, he told me that he had gone to see strippers and said he was glad for the experience. Furthermore, hesaid it was not fair that he couldn't satisfy himself with me. Then I got really upset and we began arguing again. I ended up, however, aceppting that he did that again even though I felt an utterly stupid doing it and feared that he would go to a escort the next time. That said, probably I only resigned myself to that situation because he was upfront about it instead of trying to hidden it, everything was legal, it wans't any physical contact involved, and ours was a LDR. Anyway, we met again and things went back to normality.

Finally, we had planned to see each other again a few days back. We had been looking forward to this meeting because it would be the first time where we would be alone in a room and we had agreed to have some intimacy. When there were lacking just a few days for our longed date, we started talking about what we would do there. Long story short, he asked if he could do certain thing and I said no because for me it was already too much for just a day. Then he dumped me saying it would be best for him to just go to a escort and it would not make sense to continue being together when we wanted very different things. Suddenly, I got furious and began to tell him everything I had been bottling up lately. We were arguing for hours, but in the end we made a truce and decided to see each other the agreed day anyway.

I'm not going to lie: the moment he dumped me, I was ready to neither talk nor see him ever again. However, after calling him names and arguing with him for such a long time, I was a bit more calm, well, aside from my tears and sadness, those of which I worked very hard to supress. My mind was still a storm of opposing emotions in regards to our comming meeting, however, I realized then that, at least, I didn't want to lose his friendship too. That is why I decided to see him again, but I told to myself that I wasn't going to cry or show sadness or apologize for nothing in front of him.

So, we met... and despite the awkwardness of the beginning we ended up kissing and hugging each other and talking as normal as was possible regarding the circunstances. Then we did some things more intimate as we had agreed to do before our fight. All the time he asked me if I was okay with that and if I wanted to stop. It last only a few minutes because I got much more nervous than what I had expected and, therefore, asked him to stop. And then, wishing not being such a coward, I said sorry for ending so earlier and he said that apologizes wasn't necessaries.

I quickly calmed down and, so we went back to talking. Then I asked him what he was going to do from now on. He answered me but, seeing by my body language that something was wrong, he stopped and asked me what happened. When I looked at him again, I couldn't restrain my emotions anymore and started crying, apoligizing and, little by little, telling him how I felt and what I feared, while he was comforting me. He told me that I could tell him everything, that I should learn not to bottle up my feellings and tried to convice me that nothing was wrong with me. He even went as far as saying that we could give our relationship another try if I wanted, but I declined. It's not that I didn't want to say "yes" but also that I didn't want that the same thing happen again, either with him or anyone else...

By the end of that bittersweet day, we both agreed to stay as friends. He also said it would be good for me to talk about all what had happened with my friends. Though, I really don't know how talk about this with anyone when almost all people will find my position incredibly stupid, that I'm insane and selfish because of it and think that I treated AB very unfairly and no one desserves what I did to him... In part, that is why I don't know what I'm doing here writing all of this... So, I'm really sorry if I end up losing your time.

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Re: Frustrated...

Post by sky on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:29 am

This really just sounds to me like a story of mismatched needs in a relationship that you both hoped would work out better than it actually did. It doesn't mean that either of you is a bad unfair selfish person, just that being in a relationship together didn't work very well.

It might help you to talk about it with some of your friends, but then again it might not, and that's your decision whether to bring it up or not. Regardless, a position of "I wanted to take things slowly and insisted on having boundaries" is not stupid, insane, selfish, or unfair.

I did notice one thing that you could work on, which is bottling things up until you need to explode.
Suddenly, I got furious and began to tell him everything I had been bottling up lately.
It might help you in general to work on talking about things right when you notice how you are feeling instead of just saving it all until you can't take it any longer. Situations don't tend to get as bad if you are able to start dealing with them while they are still just small problems.
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Re: Frustrated...

Post by reboot on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:31 am

No one deserves to have someone constantly pushing at your boundaries and trying to make you into the bad guy for having them either. That s unfair treatment and AB did that to you. You were upfront with what you were and were not interested in doing. He acted like you "forced" him to go to strippers and would have forced him to go to an escort. Utter bullshit. He should have respected your boundaries, known that they were incompatible with what he wanted in a relationship, and ended it earlier rather than trying to guilt-shame you into something you do not want to do.

What is done is done, and I am sorry this happened to you. Perhaps take it as a learning experience? If someone keeps testing your boundaries, you probably are not compatible as a couple, and it is better to end it sooner rather than later
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Re: Frustrated...

Post by onlysomeone on Wed Dec 23, 2015 12:02 pm

Thanks for your replies.

@sky, yeah, I get it but I'm bad at dealing with conflict. That is the reason I tend to bottle things up.

@reboot, I don't think AB forced me or push me or anything like that. It's true that he could end the relationship earlier if he wanted, but the same could be said about me regarding he also was very upfront in regards to what he wanted. However, we didn't because both of us really wanted to and tried hard so as the things would work. It's just that it was as if we talked different languages every time we touched on that topic. The fact that all our arguments were done by text didn't help much, either. Also he didn't talk about going to an escort until after dumping me and I've never said that he couldn't go to see strippers (mainly because I've never thought of that posssibility until it happened, but well...).

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