How to do a coffee date, and other anxious questions (adv)

[Dannyboy]

Alright, so there's this girl I've been talking to on OkCupid for about a week. She's really cute (probably out of my league) and we like a lot of the same music and video games. Anyway, a couple nights ago I invite her to meet for coffee on Sunday and she said yes.

Now I know that this was a mistake, I should've suggested something more exciting and less interviewy, but I guess I'm a little more cautious since I just recently got back into OLD so I went for the cliche first date. So, my question is, what do I do, what;s expected of me. She I just talk to her about our mutual interests? That's pretty much what we've been doing online? Sould I try to impress her, should I think up a bunch of jokes and stories ahead of time so that I appear charming?

Also, there's another question I had about my situation. So, this whole thing started because she "liked" me on OkCupid and I responded. When I asked her out, she said that she would love to, but asked me if I was okay with her being taller than me. I told her that if it was not a problem with her, then it wasn't a problem with me, to which she replied that she only asked because "some guys have a problem with it". We laughed it off and moved on.

Today, however, I was going through her profile questions and she answered that she'd prefer to have a taller partner and wouldn't date someone shorter than her. So, now I'm all confused, does she not want to date shorter guys? If so, why did she agree to a coffee date with me. Hell, why did she "like" my profile at all. I have no problem with girls prefering taller guys, I won't pretend that it doesn't make me feel a little insecure, but you have the preferences you have and you can't change them. I'm just worried that she's going on this date out of obligation after talking to me, and that she's not interested in a shorter guy, which would mean this whole thing was a big, depression inducing waste of my time. I can't ask her directly about this, because then she'll think that I'm insecure about my height, so I'm asking you guys, what should I think about this?

[Enail]

Not much experience with OLD, so take with a grain of salt, but given that she asked about it upfront, I'd guess she listed a preference for a taller partner because she's had bad experiences with guys who are shorter than her and have a problem with it, and so used the questions to screen out shorter guys who would. And then just likes profiles to signal interest to guys who are shorter but seem appealing and like they wouldn't have a problem with it. Either that, or she most often prefers taller guys but if someone who isn't tall pings her interest, it doesn't really matter to her. I think it unlikely that she's going on the date out of obligation.

I'd say think a bit about some topics of conversation and open-ended questions to have ready if conversation stalls, but don't come in with pre-prepared stories and jokes per se - that seems like it might come off like a performance rather than a mutual conversation.

[Werel]

I think you're worrying waaaay too much about all this:

She's really cute (probably out of my league)

I'm just worried that she's going on this date out of obligation

but

So, this whole thing started because she "liked" me on OkCupid

When I asked her out, she said that she would love to

Don't let your brain try to weasel you out of believing that she's attracted enough to you that she wants to go on a date with you.

For actual date-y advice:

Now I know that this was a mistake, I should've suggested something more exciting and less interviewy

Nah, coffee is good if you're the sort of person who successfully forms relationships by sitting and talking face-to-face. I like to do that, but not everybody likes or is their best at it. What are you your best social self while doing, and what do you actually enjoy doing? Commenting on something you're really entertained by (movies/sports/etc)? Cooperative physical activities? Playing games together (but uh... tread with caution re: competition)? Do that, cause then the person gets to see you actually having fun.

Just go into it excited to get acquainted with somebody who loves a lot of the same stuff as you, and who seems cool to interact with so far. If your online talking has been going well, build on those topics and dynamics as familiar ground to start with. And I wouldn't memorize jokes and anecdotes "to appear charming", because nothing good can come from something described that way.

Re: the height thing, I think Enail has a good read; there's also the fact that people can/often do prefer one type of [physical attribute], but be totally fine with something else if it's packaged with other stuff they like. Also OKCupid questions are dumb and illogical and give you unwinnable binaries like "Prefer taller men" vs. "Wouldn't date shorter men"

[Wondering]

I agree with enail. My take on what you said is that she likely put that as a defense mechanism against short guys who do have problems with tall women. It's just easier for her to date taller guys because they won't have a problem with her height.

But Preference as opposed to Deal Breaker is also highly likely. As is the good old concept of just changing her mind.

[jcorozza]

Honestly, I like coffee/tea as a first date. Unless you're driving far to get there, it's a great option. If it ends up awkward, you can bail after an hour without it being rude. Plus, nice and cheap! And I like that it allows me to get there early, buy my own tea, and not have to have the check dance.

I'm seconding the "preference" vs. "dealbreaker". If it was a real dealbreaker, she would have noticed that you don't fit that, and either not responded or turned you down.

As for expectations, yeah, just talk about the kind of stuff you would online, but maybe more in depth. You're basically testing to see if you have in-person chemistry. If you do, you can plan a more interesting second date.

[Caffeinated]

A coffee date is a good first date. It signals that you want to get to know her. Yes, talk about mutual interests. Also, ask questions about her to get to know her, and talk a bit about yourself to let her get to know you. Be open, as that's how real connection forms.

I think preparing a couple jokes and stories is a fine idea. Maybe the conversation will flow easily and you'll find you never used any of them. Or maybe there'll be a couple moments where conversation will trail off and you'll be glad to have something to say. And maybe knowing you have a couple things prepared will let you feel more at ease in just talking and seeing where the conversation leads.

I'd also suggest preparing a couple questions to ask her. Something that will help you get to know her on a more personal level, beyond just small talk, something to help you connect.

As for the OKC question about height, I wouldn't worry about that in the least. She might have answered that ages ago and not even remember that she ever did. She might have answered it in the immediate aftermath of a bad situation like the one she alluded to, thinking specifically of that situation and that person's bad reaction. But most importantly, you don't have to rely on some silly question on OKC when she already talked to you about the subject. Better to rely on what she said directly to you than try to infer from other stuff.

Last, yay for you going out with someone new! I hope it goes great!

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