Jealous of my boyfriend's best friend?

[Prajnaparamita]

Context: I met this guy, let’s call him Mark, on OKC back in my slut phase where I decided that really all I wanted to do was sleep around with a lot of men and find out what I enjoyed in regards to sex. For six months he was a regular friends with benefits type partner of mine, about every week or so we’d hang out, have sex, watch anime and such. Pretty early on in that he expressed a desire for a committed relationship with me, but I made it clear I was interested in no such thing at the time. Eventually after six months he got the message and ended our hookup buddy thing for a relationship with another woman, at which point I really realized how much I missed him and what a stable, comforting presence he had been in my life. Anyway, things with his new girlfriend didn’t work out, he was single again, I asked for him back and we’ve been in a committed relationship for over a month now and really happy. He treats me well and makes it clear that he really enjoys being with me and I’m the best girlfriend he’s ever had.

Anyway, what I’m wondering about is the crush that he has on his best friend, Sarah. (He’s a pretty quiet, mild-mannered guy, and for that reason he’s always had predominantly female friends his entire life and often finds he doesn’t really relate to men his own age, and as a result doesn’t have any male friends.) He’s mentioned being really attracted to her from the very first time we hooked up, but every time I’ve asked why he’s never pursued it he said that the two of them are “romantically incompatible”. (No I’m not really sure what that means, but it’s what he says every time I ask why in all their years of friendship nothing has happened.) Rationally I don’t think this should bother me, Sarah is currently in a long-term committed relationship and doesn’t seem to have interest in leaving it for Mark (I mean if she did she surely could have done it a long time ago). But it still does anyway and I’m not sure what to think about this. He hangs out with her a lot, many evening they go for a long nighttime walk together after they get off work, he’s told her all about his kinks and fantasies and sex life (I mean, nothing that he hasn’t told me as well, but it seems like a little weird to talk about with a friend you’re nursing a crush on) and yeah… And then there are other little things too, like last time he was over he said her name during sex. I feel really weird about the way I feel about this. I know that people in relationships have crushes, and there’s nothing wrong with that, crushes are just a common human thing to do, but the level of closeness and the continuing attraction he has to her… I don’t know. I absolutely do not want to police his friendships or who he spends time with—they’ve been close friends for many many years, going back to high school, and I think that’s really wonderful thing to have. I mentioned to him when we first started dating feeling a little weird about him spending so much time with the best friend that he’s attracted to and he told me that I have nothing to worry about and nothing is going to happen, and I haven’t mentioned it again really since then because I didn’t want it to feel like I was putting any kind of pressure on him about who he can hang out with or be close to.

I guess compounding my feelings of confusion is that he’s long wanted me to meet Sarah, and so tonight her and her boyfriend are coming over to my place to hang out, and I guess I’m struggling with feeling like when I see her there will be this urge to blurt out something like “Hello woman who my boyfriend is very clearly fantasizing about while having sex with me, what the hell is going on with you two?!” And just like yeah… I don’t know what to think. Any advice or insight?

[Guest]

No advice. Just some commiseration (If you want it).

Rationally I don’t think this should bother me...

Pfft, fuck being rational.

No seriously, you're only human. I'd ask you to not beat yourself up for worrying about your beau, but we both know that's pointless. Also:

and yeah… And then there are other little things too, like last time he was over he said her name during sex.

I confess I chuckled at how fucked up this is.

Oh Mark, Mark, Marky-Mark. Do me a favour and smack him upside the head for me, please? I won't pretend to understand how much this must've hurt.

And lastly, good luck for tonight. You'll get through this.

[Prajnaparamita]

No advice. Just some commiseration (If you want it).

Awwww thank you so much Hermit, this was really sweet and validating to hear!

Rationally I don’t think this should bother me...

Pfft, fuck being rational.

No seriously, you're only human. I'd ask you to not beat yourself up for worrying about your beau, but we both know that's pointless.

Haha yeah you're completely right, my feelings are my feelings, they're real and valid and I'll have them, and that's not necessarily good or bad. I guess what I'm more wondering is if there is anything I can/should do about these feelings that I have and what is appropriate here

and yeah… And then there are other little things too, like last time he was over he said her name during sex.

I confess I chuckled at how fucked up this is.

Oh Mark, Mark, Marky-Mark. Do me a favour and smack him upside the head for me, please? I won't pretend to understand how much this must've hurt.

And lastly, good luck for tonight. You'll get through this.

Haha thank you, yeah, I do kinda find it amusing too. In the moment I was very much like "oooooooookay just gonna pretend that didn't just happen..." I guess it just kinda taps into my insecurities a little bit in that I know I'm not really the body type he's attracted to (I'm kinda chubby and pretty flat chested) and I can't help but wonder going into tonight if she's gonna be a big-boobed barbie doll or something and that's why she's his continuing boner fuel...

[Guest]

I guess what I'm more wondering is if there is anything I can/should do about these feelings that I have and what is appropriate here

Mm, personal experience tells me that the best option would be to just...ride 'em out (Not comforting, I know). Like a fever, it'll just have to burn itself up without you having to do anything. Maybe.

I guess it just kinda taps into my insecurities a little bit in that I know I'm not really the body type he's attracted to (I'm kinda chubby and pretty flat chested) and I can't help but wonder going into tonight if she's gonna be a big-boobed barbie doll or something and that's why she's his continuing boner fuel...

Oh, that sounds so fucking hard.

[Enail]

Prajna, that sucks, and I think almost anyone would feel at least a little jealous and insecure in that situation. It's 100% reasonable that it would bother you (saying her name during sex, holy shit!)

Of course, people in relationships crush on other people, and people in relationships get to have friendships and all that, so some of this just seems like a thing you'll either have to deal with and manage your feelings about, or that you can't deal with and want out. But I'm really wondering why you're receiving so much information that makes you insecure about it, in such a short period of times (6 months of 1x/per week plus 1 month of dating!) - why did he mention it the first time you hung out? why do you know he's not attracted to your type? why the fuck is he saying her name during sex!? (okay, yeah, mistakes happen, but eesh) Why is this subject coming up so freaking much? Your comments give me the impression that he's bringing it out an awful lot, in one way or another, all over the place.  I'm having a hard time fathoming how he's been dating other people while nursing a crush this intensely and this loudly.

He gets to have whatever feelings he has, including crushes, but he should be managing them in a way that's kind and respectful to you, and it doesn't sound to me like he's doing that right now. Maybe it's time to have a talk about how he can stop making his crush your problem? And, I kind of hate to say this, because I hope it's not that kind of situation, about whether he's actually at a place with this crush where he can put those feelings on the backburner enough to be in a relationship with someone else.

[Prajnaparamita]

Prajna, that sucks, and I think almost anyone would feel at least a little jealous and insecure in that situation. It's 100% reasonable that it would bother you (saying her name during sex, holy shit!)

Okay okay okay, I think it's only fair to him that I give some more context about this incident. So he's had a long time fantasy of having a threesome with two women, and while that's not happening anytime soon and I'm not even sure I'd want to do that, I am totally down with doing verbal roleplaying around it during sex (because hey, if it gets him off and it's what he enjoys during sex, then yay!) So I was, you know, teasing him and doing some foreplay while talking about what we'd do in a threesome and that's when he blurted out her name. So yeah, there was at least somewhat of an explanation for why he'd be thinking about her, and I doubt fantasies about having a threesome with your girlfriend and your female friend are that uncommon for dudes so like yeah... Certainly I wasn't talking about Sarah then but I guess that's where his mind was going...

But I'm really wondering why you're receiving so much information that makes you insecure about it, in such a short period of times (6 months of 1x/per week plus 1 month of dating!) - why did he mention it the first time you hung out? why do you know he's not attracted to your type? why the fuck is he saying her name during sex!? (okay, yeah, mistakes happen, but eesh) Why is this subject coming up so freaking much? Your comments give me the impression that he's bringing it out an awful lot, in one way or another, all over the place.  I'm having a hard time fathoming how he's been dating other people while nursing a crush this intensely and this loudly.

1. It came up the first time we hooked up because I asked him about his kinks and fetishes and after a long hesitation he told me one that is a little unusual and unconventional. I asked him, because of his reaction, if he had ever told anyone else and he said I was only the second person, after his best friend Sarah. I thought to myself "huh that's a little odd" and asked some more about this friend of his, and that's where I heard first the whole thing about his attraction but their romantic incompatibility.

2. I know what he thinks about my body type because awhile back he was dealing with an emotional conflict with a friend and came to me for advice on what to do. He's the type who often struggles to communicate his emotions and feelings, and so to try to explain to me what was going on as best he could he showed me a diary entry that he'd written on the topic as he felt it was the clearest way to communicate. I read it, gave him my advice as best I could, and then he told me he wouldn't mind me reading the rest of it if I liked. Which I found really sweet and it was a really interesting insight into his thought process and emotions because he's the type to not really express those sort of things as much externally, but of course while I was reading I found the entry about me and our first hook up and some of the less than flattering things he had written as well (obviously not intending at the time for anyone to see his private diary entry) about my body. Also I've asked him about his taste in porn just in a general trying to get a sense of what he's into (given that his kink is pretty unusual and even then he goes for a pretty unusual form of it)

3. As I said, roleplaying a fantasy threesome, which I guess makes it a little more reasonable that you might say someone else's name? But like I hadn't been talking about her or anyone else at all at the time...

4. I'm wondering if this subject coming up so much isn't my own damn fault though... I have a kind of "curiosity killed the cat" type personality, often to my detriment and I know I struggle sometimes with just letting things go. I imagine there's plenty of this that I could never have found out about if I hadn't felt the need to ask, with the knowledge that he's the type who will always be totally blunt and honest.

5. I really don't know!!! He's had another long term girlfriend, who he was with for almost two years during the time that he's been friends with Sarah and I guess it wasn't a problem to him then? If I understand correctly, this crush isn't really anything new, he's found Sarah hot and wished he could sleep with her from when they first met I think? He says he's really strictly monogamous and couldn't ever do a poly or open relationship but he still seems to be able to maintain this crush? I don't even know...

He gets to have whatever feelings he has, including crushes, but he should be managing them in a way that's kind and respectful to you, and it doesn't sound to me like he's doing that right now. Maybe it's time to have a talk about how he can stop making his crush your problem? And, I kind of hate to say this, because I hope it's not that kind of situation, about whether he's actually at a place with this crush where he can put those feelings on the backburner enough to be in a relationship with someone else.

I can't help but wonder if I'm the one making this a problem though, I'm the one who keeps on asking questions trying to figure out what the heck the deal with her is and just getting more confused and I probably should just not think about it or bring it up anymore. As for him putting this crush on the backburner, despite how long and consistent it's been, it sounds like he has, or at least he's been in other relationships so it isn't a problem for him. But I'm generally just feeling really confused so I don't even know...

[Enail]

Oh, okay, that makes a bit more sense. It sounds like maybe you're going to need to put a lid on your curiousity a bit not to drag that insecurity down on yourself, but I do still think it seems like he needs to be a little more mindful about how much he brings his feelings about her into your relationship. (And I find it rather inconsiderate to give you access to his private diary with unflattering comments about you that casually.)

Maybe try for a little while to keep from bringing up things about his crush on Sarah, and see if that helps or whether he's got an ongoing case of mentionitis? That might be a concrete thing you could ask him to tamp down on that could make a difference.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to talk about the fact that it made you uncomfortable that he was bringing the idea of a specific woman who he has a crush on and spends a lot of time with into your threesome talk. If he seems willing to focus on more neutral or imaginary third parties in roleplay and sexy talk, no problem, but if he's reluctant to not use her as his fantasy third or gets defensive about it, that might be a sign to consider whether her being a(n imaginary but important) part of your sex life is something you can be okay with or not.

[Werel]

Oh jeez, the meeting of Sarah is probably happening RIGHT NOW , so hope it's going well!

First, yikes, I am so sorry you had to 1) hear his best friend's name during sex, roleplay context or not, and 2) read unflattering things about your own body in his diary. Both of those sound like they'd be more or less shredding depending on what kind of person you are, but probably some degree of shredding in every case. That sucks.

And sure, undue curiosity can sometimes turn up information you'd rather not know, but he was the one who invited you to read his diary-- and who the heck could say no to that? I agree with Enail that you might want to contain your Need to Know impulses around Sarah, but it was uncool of him to present you with a diary that contained hurtful content.

Anyway, the Mark scenario sounds a liiiittle bit similar to my male best friend; I have been in Sarah's shoes, in that we were also very close, long nighttime walks, frank discussion of sex lives, me in committed relationship while he cycled through other partners, etc. BUT, and this is a huge but: AFAIK he never nursed a long-standing attraction to me. He's said (years later) that when we first met, he would've hit it, and once in a while would make joking comments like "GIRL DAT ASS," but after ten years I'm 99% sure he has no desire to bone someone who's been his BFF so long that we're like siblings. Same here: I thought he was cute at first, but after being friends for a while it diminished to "eh, sure" and finally "oh god no that'd be weird." That is the sort of normal, fades-with-time crush that can cohabit peacefully with other relationships, IME.

So the key thing that jumps out to me is not "why is he so close to this female friend," because that seems normal and fine. The thing that makes me go "Prajna, you are not nuts to be weirded out here" is that his feelings for her never seem to have resolved or changed. Seems like if it's a manageable, just-sexual crush, it would have diminished in intensity after all these years; maybe he'd still think of her occasionally for masturbatory fodder, or look appreciatively if she were in a sexy outfit, but not to the extent where she's the immediate go-to for threesome fantasies and he's telling brand-new sex partners how attracted to her he is. But who knows! Different people manage their attractions different ways, and maybe he's just the kind of dude who can hold a torch for someone indefinitely while still being entirely invested in another relationship. You gotta trust your gut on that one, after assessing the situation in person with Sarah and her partner.

I can't help but wonder if I'm the one making this a problem though, I'm the one who keeps on asking questions trying to figure out what the heck the deal with her is and just getting more confused and I probably should just not think about it or bring it up anymore.

If it's eating at you, you have two options:

1) Seek info from him that will make you stop worrying. Can you actually envision a piece of information that would put your mind at ease? What could he say, in Perfect Answers Land, that would let you quit feeling so uneasy about Sarah? Do you think he could possibly change your understanding of the situation by giving you new data?

2) Leave it be and trust that he'd rather be with you than her ("take yes for an answer"), because he is with you now. If the answer to the first question in 1) is "no," this is probably the way to go.

But I agree with Enail that you'd be 100% reasonable to talk to him about your discomfort before you attempt to put it away/live around it. If he keeps bringing up things which needle that insecurity, that's on him, and is not nice behavior at all. Part of being in a relationship is learning when to not say things that would cause unnecessary, pointless distress to your partner, and "my/your good friend gives me a massive boner but I don't plan to act on it" is usually one of those things.

Jedi hugs. Insecurity is one of the shittiest experiences because you get to feel bad and ashamed of feeling bad all at once ("DON'T BE UNCOOL," shrieks society in your ear). Sounds like you're handling it really well, and being respectful of his longtime friendship and desire for intimacy with people he's close to-- just don't forget to be equally respectful of your own feelings.

[Prajnaparamita]

Hey guys, so I met Sarah and well... I feel a lot better now and a lot more confident in myself and my relationship. Mostly because well, and this is kinda silly, but upon meeting Sarah I immediately noticed how similar we are--similar body type (short, kinda chubby), similar personality and temperament, and similar way of relating to Mark. I imagine that some people might find that weird but honestly it makes me feel a lot more reassured about my relationship with Mark. If a woman like Sarah is the type of person who he wants to have in his life for years, who he greatly enjoys the presence of and who he finds sexually attractive, and I'm really similar to that, well I can understand a lot more why he would choose to be with me. Thank you everyone so much for your replies, I'll read over them tomorrow when I'm free, and I'll be thinking a lot more about how to manage my insecurities and difficult feelings in my relationship, as that has been a consistent issue for me.

[Enail]

Awesome, Prajna, glad it went well!

[Werel]

Maybe the best possible outcome! HOORAY!

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